Never go to the library and check out 10 books for your child right before you give birth to another child.  You might forget that you ever went to the library, and that you have any books due at all until you get the nasty notices from them.  And you might have to pay almost $30 in library fees.

Never put a DVD you think is entitled “Blue Planet” in it’s Netflix sleeve and get it ready to mail before 8am.  After the mailman comes (and your contacts are in), you might notice that the “Blue Planet” DVD is still around, but you are missing a disc from your “Planet Earth” series.

Never take your vet’s advice and feed your dog canned beans mixed with her dog food to help her lose weight. You might conclude that flatulence is just not a good trade off for having a skinny pet.  Let her stay fat, happy, and quiet instead.

Never buy a house that has wallpaper in it.  You might be stripping wallpaper, repairing walls, and repainting until your marriage is strained, your downstairs is covered with a fine dust from the sanding, and your child tries your patience by saying, “Why didn’t we just leave the bathroom the way it was?  I thought the walls were pretty.”

Never try to make Naan bread with 100% whole wheat flour.  You might have to eat bread shaped hockey pucks for dinner.

Never put hot ash in a trash can labeled DO NOT PUT HOT ASH IN CAN. You might tick off your significant other with the subsequent flames.

Never nurse your baby right before you have to get up and lead the music in church.  You might not have tucked everything in properly, giving people a reason to pay attention in a way they never have before.

Never put your arms around a woman at church who looks like your wife from behind.  The RS president might not appreciate a gratituous nuzzle in her neck from a man who is not her husband.

Never toss a frozen gravy packet in the microwave because you don’t have time to thaw it.  The ensuing explosion might make your dinner guests nervous about the quality of the food they are about to be served.

And finally, never leave a toilet seat up when a parakeet is around.  She might be more depressed than you know, and commit suicide. (Sorry to bring it up again, but I still feel like I’m paying a kharmic debt on that last one.)