This is a guest post by melmck, a mom who lost her son Gus to SIDS not long ago.  We are humbled that she would choose our forum to tell her story, and we hope that her story will help her through the grieving process, as well as give support to other parents who have suffered the loss of a child.  You can read more from melmck at http://www.gracielueandno2.blogspot.com/.

I suffered with Post-Partum Depression when I had my first daughter, Gracie. I wanted to wait at least a year before we had any more but when she was 10 months old, my husband, Robby, and I felt that it was time for another child. I became pregnant right away and had a very difficult pregnancy: admittance into the hospital more than once, contractions every day and weekly doctors appointments.

At 37 weeks, my water broke and my son, Gus, was born on June 22, 2007. I felt an instant connection with him and it was much different than my first labor and delivery experience. After about a week, the PPD struck again. I’ve had depression since I was 15 but PPD is much worse and impossible to reason with. My mom, who lives in Utah, came down to Arizona to help me and we decided she would take both kids until I could figure out how to manage my PPD. They left July 25th and went to San Diego to visit my sister and her kids.

On the night of August 1st, my husband got a call from my dad, who is a family physician. I knew something was wrong right away. He said they’d found Gus in his crib not breathing and he’d been taken to the hospital. They had all tried CPR but could never revive him. My dad said he knew right away Gus had died. Robby and I started frantically packing and making plans while we waited for someone to give us any information.

Finally, a nurse from the hospital called and told us that Gus had passed away and the cause was SIDS. I collapsed. I did not know what to do and could not believe what was happening. After several minutes of sobbing, Robby got off the phone and we held each other and cried. He was in complete shock and I’d never seen him that way, so I decided not to think and just do what needed to be done. I packed us, loaded our car, and drove to the airport while scheduling a flight on the way. I was more worried for him than myself and that must have been the only way I managed, even though we sobbed intermittently the entire trip.

When we met with my family in San Diego, we all cried together and prayed together. The next day, we viewed Gus’ body and it was completely surreal. It did not feel like it could actually be happening. The guilt had set in and I was sure the whole thing could have been avoided if I’d just been a stronger person and a better mother. My family and I drove back to Arizona together and we had his funeral the next week. All our friends and family were worried about how I was handling the whole thing and I was only worried about them. As I stood over his little body in his little casket, I lost my strength but my loved ones were surrounding me to hold me up. I wanted it all to be over so I could get back to my regular life.

I soon found out there is no regular life after losing a baby to SIDS. Reminders are everywhere. Hearing about something similar happening to someone else brings back the stinging and pain in my chest. Seeing babies around what his age would be now sinks my heart. SIDS babies are not just a statistic. They are sons or daughters of parents who deal with the grief everyday. Gus was 5 weeks old when he died. He was a very real person and I loved him every second he was with us. I coped with his death by living in denial. I would not let myself think about him or what had happened. I kept up one picture of him but put everything else that reminded me of him away. I stopped journaling and avoided talking about him at all costs. I couldn’t hold or look at other newborn babies, either. If I did allow myself to think about Gus, I would slip into a deep depression and couldn’t do anything for about 3 days.

I find the most comfort in my daughter, Gracie. She became my main priority and when I needed a hug, she’d always be there for me. I also find a lot of comfort searching the scriptures and quotes from apostles to find answers for why this type of thing happens and what my Gus could be doing now.

Time is the only healer of traumatic events like this. I’ve tried so many times to tell my story and each time I’ve failed. It’s been almost 6 months since I’ve lost Gus and somehow I’m able to find the strength inside me to reveal all we’ve been through. I only hope this reaches parents who have lost a child by miscarriage, stillbirth, or SIDS. Each of these events can change a family. I know that while it’s extremely difficult, it can change a family for the better if they cling to each other in times of need.

One last thing that really helped me through the hardest times was thinking about Christ. While Robby and I were on the plane to San Diego, I imagined Christ sitting next to us, comforting us, and saying, “I know how you are feeling and it is hard.” Realizing that He knows and can comfort us in that way has been something I think about often and continues to bring me comfort.

To those who know someone who has lost a baby from SIDS, my advice is to tell them you will be there for them whenever they need you. Offer your help and comfort every few days but let them come to you. They will talk when they are ready. And most importantly, continue to pray for them. I know I never would have made it through those first two months without the support and prayers of others, not to mention the continue prayers. I’m eternally grateful to those who have been there for our family. I hope this story helps people better understand what it’s like to lose an infant.