5 Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say31 May 2008 09:38 am
By The Wiz
1. Sleeping past 5:30 a.m. is just a waste of life. I don’t see how anyone does it.
2. This dish could use a touch of cilantro.
3. You know what this family needs? A cat.
4. You know what else this family needs? Some sort of smelly small rodent in a cage that will die soon.
5. Skydiving? I’m IN!
Your turn.
Yes you can buy a motorcycle
and I totally agree with you on #3,4&5
Comment #1 by moddyMay 31st, 2008 at 9:56 amI LOVE doing dishes!!
Comment #2 by randajoyMay 31st, 2008 at 10:06 amDitto, Ditto, Ditto!
Completely agree!~
(why do people spend good money & put themselves at risk, just to be SCARED?) I’ll never *get* it-
Comment #3 by Lisa MMay 31st, 2008 at 10:13 amNo darling, don’t help me with dinner. Just sit there and RELAX.
Comment #4 by maraliseMay 31st, 2008 at 10:20 amI don’t enjoy taking a shower without kids knocking on the door.
Comment #5 by RachelleMay 31st, 2008 at 10:22 amFolding laundry is pure bliss!
Comment #6 by cherylMay 31st, 2008 at 10:53 amNo really, cleaning out poopy underwear is fun DD, so poop in then all you want. (She’s nearly 3 and is just not getting it!)
I love the smell of urine on my couch.
You know what I want right now? Something spicy.
I love dog hair getting all over the furniture and my clothes.
I could really go for a beer right now.
Comment #7 by LaceyMay 31st, 2008 at 10:57 am1. Go ahead and make all the noise you want during dinner, I don’t need peace and quiet.
2. Curfews are for children who can’t be trusted - go ahead and stay out past midnight dear teenage daughter. In fact, why don’t you have an all night date.
3. No, really, I enjoy doing all the mind numbing household chores on a daily basis, it makes me feel, well, fulfilled, complete and boosts my self-esteem.
Comment #8 by AbbyMay 31st, 2008 at 11:33 amThis made me laugh because I agree with you wholeheartedly!
*I don’t mind doing the dishes. I know that I cooked dinner, but it’s all right, you just relax.
*No offense, but…
*I don’t really like kids.
*I hate watching TV.
*I don’t like dessert.
Comment #9 by Barb @ getupandplayMay 31st, 2008 at 11:56 amMmmm…. do I smell liver?
Comment #10 by meemsMay 31st, 2008 at 12:07 pm1. I look forward each day to a relaxing hour of doing the dishes.
2. “Oh your kids have the stomach flu, bring them on over.”
3. My favorite show for the kids to watch is Barney
4. I hate chocolate
5. The air conditioning is broke, no problem.
Comment #11 by SarahMay 31st, 2008 at 12:25 pmNo, honey, you just sit while I do everything.
Yes, let’s watch Law & Order again!
I think I’ve lost too much weight.
Mmmmmm… steak!
Let’s go camping!
No, child, you didn’t use ENOUGH toilet paper.
Mom doesn’t need any alone time, come one, come all!
My closet is too big.
Whining is music to my ears.
Really, fall on the floor again and scream.
Five months of unemployment has been such a blast!
Medical insurance is overrated.
Boy, I’ll just be so lost once my kids are all out of diapers…
Comment #12 by Tracy MMay 31st, 2008 at 12:26 pmHmmm…. guess I got a little carried away.
Comment #13 by Tracy MMay 31st, 2008 at 12:27 pm1. I’m attracted to men who drive with their windows down and their music cranked, especially when the bass is really thumpy and the wind is blowing through their chest hair.
2. No thanks, I’m on a diet.
3. These? Oh, I just had implants put in!
4. No anesthesia, please. I prefer to feel as much pain as possible.
5. Sure, go ahead, scribble on the walls that I just repainted. I can just repaint again.
Comment #14 by Mrs. MMay 31st, 2008 at 12:34 pmOh yeah! “Let’s go camping” ain’t coming out of my mouth either. Nor is “mmmm….liver” - that cracked me up.
Comment #15 by The WizMay 31st, 2008 at 12:36 pmGo ahead without me; I haven’t put in enough time blogging today.
No, no, that’s okay. You’re going to use all this research for your book to be published by BYU, so of course I don’t expect to be paid.
Hand me that shoe — it’s MY turn to get the spider.
I sure miss the days when the kitchen sink used to get clogged all the time.
Come here, my little tomcat; you haven’t humped my arm yet today. Niiice kitty. Oh, yeah.
Comment #16 by Ardis ParshallMay 31st, 2008 at 12:40 pm“No, child, you didn’t use ENOUGH toilet paper.”
That is perfect comedic timing, since I just asked my wife to teach our youngest daughter “Butt Wiping 101″. I’m tired of buying a roll per day just for her non-existent bottom. (5-years-old, MAYBE 40 lbs.)
Comment #17 by RayMay 31st, 2008 at 12:45 pm“Yes, honey, those clothes DO make you look fat.”
“No more chocolate for you!”
“Would you other parents mind if I drove to early morning seminary EVERY day?” (starts at 5:30 here)
“You’re right; high school football practices should be held on Sunday so they don’t conflict with college football games on Saturday - and since kids go to church on Wednesday. They don’t REALLY need to be in church on Sunday.” (from my days in the Bible Belt, no less)
“It’s OK; I don’t need to blog today.”
Comment #18 by RayMay 31st, 2008 at 12:49 pmI love ants. They’re so cute and cuddly.
2 hours of sleep a night is PLENTY.
This doctor’s office is just so homey. Did you re-do the window treatments? Ah, that must be it.
I find these little hospital gowns to be very becoming. The green matches my eyes.
Of COURSE you can come in and clean my carpets to give me a demonstration of your vacuum. I’ve heard such LOVELY things about Kirby Salesmen.
Comment #19 by Heather O.May 31st, 2008 at 1:29 pmEven though you earned a C+, I’ll give you an A- because you’re absolutely right–your life will end if you don’t get into business school this year.
By all means, please send me the same whiny email multiple times a day. I get lonely when I don’t hear from my students frequently. Bonus points for indignant follow-up emails inquiring why I have not yet responded.
[Sigh. It’s been a really bad teaching semester.]
Comment #20 by ZD EveMay 31st, 2008 at 1:37 pmI’ve got another one:
I just really appreciate it when you comment on my mothering skills. No, really, the suggestions for improvement are PROFOUND and I think long and hard about what you say, because I am positive your comments are meant in the most loving and Christ-like way, and not at all intended to make you feel better about your own crappy mothering. And I find self-righteous indignation absolutely delightful. Please, keep it up.
Comment #21 by Heather O.May 31st, 2008 at 1:42 pmTell us how you really feel, Heather.
Comment #22 by RayMay 31st, 2008 at 2:22 pmThat subwoofer is smokin’! I love feeling the base in my chest! Can you turn it up louder?
Wrangler Butts drive me nuts!
Please, keep whining! It’s music to my ears!
Comment #23 by themotherboardMay 31st, 2008 at 3:04 pmI forgot one:
Comment #24 by themotherboardMay 31st, 2008 at 3:08 pmI love having endless meetings with you where we discuss nothing of importance! Can we have another one tomorrow, and can you tell me again how awesome you are and how I need to be more involved in church? Cause you are right. I DO have too much time on my hands since I love to blog.
Yes, please buy my kids those loud noisey toys that don’t have a on/off button and to get to the batteries I have to destroy the toy. Better yet why not buy them the toys that contain a million pieces so that if one gets lost it doens’t work right and then I can listen to them cry and whine about it for weeks.
Comment #25 by moddyMay 31st, 2008 at 3:12 pmNO please don’t buy my kids books, they hate them
Please honey, not another sweater from Anthropologie! I just can’t take it anymore.
I hate relaxing.
No let me do the grocery shopping PLEASE?
My ideal vacation? Boot camp.
I love having my kid sit on my lap while I poop–it’s just so BONDING.
Comment #26 by MiggyMay 31st, 2008 at 3:32 pmIt’s so funny when the kids open all my Tampax and pretend theyr’e dynamite.
Comment #27 by Tracy MMay 31st, 2008 at 3:34 pmOh and…
I TOTALLY think we should get a gaming system so you can play video games in all your spare time. Good idea Honey!
Comment #28 by MiggyMay 31st, 2008 at 3:55 pmI wish Lisa would win Top Chef. I really love her attitude.
I know energy prices are up here in Arizona honey, so I think having the house temperature at 81 degrees is a great idea. Especially since I’m pregnant.
I think pedicures are a waste of time and money.
Coloring your hair is so much more fun at home than at the salon.
“Lost” is a terrible show. That 2 hour finale was so boring.
Comment #29 by ZinkaMay 31st, 2008 at 3:58 pmDog pile on mommy!
Can I please do your chores for you again today?
Thank you, Nosy Neighbor. I don’t know what I would have done without your input on my incompetence.
I’d love to talk politics with you, my Beloved Bircher In-laws.
You know what? I think your right: I am maiming my children for life by homeschooling them.
And as a bonus: Do you have some hot sauce that I could put on this?
Comment #30 by JamiMay 31st, 2008 at 3:59 pmCan I have capers with that?
Comment #31 by JamiMay 31st, 2008 at 4:00 pmSure, spend $5,000 and go fishing in Alaska with your friend for a week. What’s money, and who cares that you hate to eat fish.
Comment #32 by MelMay 31st, 2008 at 4:14 pm1. No thanks, I’m tired of backrubs. Don’t need one tonight.
2. Chocolate? I’ll pass.
3. You know, I’m not really sure about all that birth control stuff, which is clearly why I have a 20 month old and another due in a month. Could you please explain it to me?
4. Nah, I’m not hungry.
5. I’ll get up with the baby again. You just sleep.
6. I’d really prefer to stay home and cook a meal myself than go out for dinner. Thanks for the offer, though.
Comment #33 by StarababaMay 31st, 2008 at 4:23 pm#27 - Stop it, Tracy. I can’t stop laughing.
Comment #34 by RayMay 31st, 2008 at 4:39 pmYes, Bean, get up on the counter and eat sugar right from the cannister.
I would love a couch on my porch!
Yes, let’s go fishing!
Going to Disneyland for five days with my 2 and 4-year olds and my newborn, without my husband, with my mother and siblings is something I really look forward to trying again!
I love my Kirby.
Sure, mom, whatever you want- your approval is so much more important than my soul.
(Uh-Oh, I better stop… the bitterness has gone from “slowly seeping” to “fully percolating”…. )
Comment #35 by Tracy MMay 31st, 2008 at 4:44 pmYou’re right! If all the world would just read their scriptures and pray no one would have depression.
I’m POSITIVE my child’s allergies are due to the fact that I don’t make homemade wheat bread every other day.
Guilt? Never heard of it.
Please continue to put all your clean clothes in the dirty clothes, I enjoy laundry that much.
Comment #36 by jendoopMay 31st, 2008 at 4:59 pmWhy yes, I did get everything done today that I had even the vaguest desire of doing.
No, honey, I’m not tired. You go ahead and sleep in after going to bed early, and I’ll just finish up feeding our child who has been up for half the night, and then I’ll spend the next hour getting him to go to sleep. I promise I’m not bitter that he’ll wake up half an hour after that when your alarm goes off just as I’m falling asleep again.
I think I’ll go get myself a new summer wardrobe, because I need one after having a baby, and we can totally afford it.
I love the texture of runny egg yolk.
Please turn your podcast up a little louder, dear, I can’t quite hear what they’re saying.
Let’s move the same weekend we have the baby again!
Comment #37 by kaduseyMay 31st, 2008 at 6:17 pmYes in-laws, I’d love to go camping with you for a week in your tiny trailer!
Let’s have fish for dinner tonight.
Thank you for pointing out that we’ve been married for 8 years and don’t have children. If you hadn’t mentioned it I guess I never would have noticed!
Comment #38 by SeekerMay 31st, 2008 at 6:19 pmI just can’t sleep any longer.
I’m not in a hurry. Let’s just stay in this really long line even though the other lines are moving faster.
Stay up as late as you want, kids, even though your behavior is so awful that it’s clear you are exhausted.
You don’t need to wear that incredibly expensive retainer if it bothers you, son.
Let’s go window shopping. All day. With a large group of women.
Comment #39 by hawkgrrrlMay 31st, 2008 at 7:38 pmSorry, I have a headache.
Comment #40 by RayMay 31st, 2008 at 7:57 pmMrs. M. - You’re hilarious!!
*No really, I love having a useless degree!
Comment #41 by Carole G.May 31st, 2008 at 7:57 pm*I don’t mind being in debt, money’s SO overrated!
*Who wants free-time when you’ve got a house to clean?!
*Privacy? Why would I possibly want privacy?
*Oh, don’t feel bad, people ALWAYS think I look ten years OLDER than I really am, it doesn’t bother me AT ALL!
My children play so well together that they never want or need to be apart.
Could you turn the TV on or make some kind or pointless noise? It’s just too quiet in this house.
I would love some more bread!
Do you think I’m too thin?
I have enough shoes and bags.
How many times do I have to tell you, honey? Stop cleaning the house while I’m reading!
I hate “The Office” and refuse to watch it.
I’m bored. I think I’ll do laundry.
Comment #42 by mellocelloMay 31st, 2008 at 7:59 pmI so glad I didn’t wear my ratainer in college and now I have a HUGE space between my two front teeth.
NO, your only five…you can pee in your pants every time if you want!
No I don’t mind answering the same question again since your brother just asked that exact thing in those exact words.
Please scream again, it’s music to my ears.
If you whine I promise you will get out of being in trouble.
Comment #43 by AprilMay 31st, 2008 at 8:07 pmAh, Ray, it took me a minute, but I got it. Thanks for representing the male population on here, as that would definitely appear on my dh’s list, too, and possibly never on mine.
Comment #44 by StarababaMay 31st, 2008 at 8:10 pmRay, that’s a good one. Taht’s also one dh would never say, plus this: I’m just too tired tonight.
Comment #45 by mellocelloMay 31st, 2008 at 8:26 pm:)
And this: More tools and tech gadgets? Nah, I ‘m good.
Yes, please, bring ALL your dogs onto my lawn — it’s delightful to clean up after them.
No, I’m not pregnant, but I’m so pleased you thought I was.
No, thank you. It’s raining too hard and I don’t want to get your car seat wet by accepting a ride.
ANOTHER trip to Paris? Can’t we ever go to Schenectady?
Pearls are so old-fashioned — I’d rather have red plastic.
Of course your 2-year-old and 28 of his best friends are welcome to have the birthday party in my living room. Be sure to give them chocolate ice cream and red punch.
Comment #46 by Ardis ParshallMay 31st, 2008 at 8:45 pmI wish my husband was the scoutmaster.
Comment #47 by JillMay 31st, 2008 at 9:15 pmGee, my hair is just too thick.
I wish my skin would tan less. It just gets so brown, so fast.
I wish I had three mortgages. The more, the merrier, and SOMEONE has to keep those lenders in business.
No, honey, my feet don’t need rubbing tonight.
[and I just have to say, you all are FUNNY. Ray, you crack me up. Ardis, I’m sorry, but the tom cat thing? Holy cow, I spit DP out my nose, and red plastic is so much better than pearls, I pray that someday you understand that truth. Tracy, sell your Kirby on ebay. SOMEBODY wants that piece of crap.]
Comment #48 by The WizMay 31st, 2008 at 9:35 pmOh Ray, your comment is so funny it almost shouldn’t be allowed!
Comment #49 by Heather O.May 31st, 2008 at 10:10 pmI don’t think this room is messy enough. How about we fling some food on the floor and do a little dance.
I love beet greens.
You never need to fix the kid’s shower. We can use one bathroom forever.
I don’t have enough holey t-shirts.
I love heels.
Comment #50 by LaceyMay 31st, 2008 at 10:15 pmNo, I love getting our three pre-school-age children ready for 9am church by myself.
I adore pregnancy — losing so much weight in the first two trimesters is the best!
Of course you can use my computer!
I just love earwigs — their little pincher claw thingies are so cute!
No, no, let ME change that stinky diaper.
Comment #51 by KerynMay 31st, 2008 at 10:16 pm*Gee I wish I were den mother.
Comment #52 by Alison WonderlandMay 31st, 2008 at 10:23 pm*The baby didn’t wake up enough times last night.
*No, I got too much sleep.
*I hope I don’t get a raise (oh and don’t bother paying me time and a half for coming in on call, straight time will be plenty.)
*The kids are off track? WAHOO!!!
Are you sure you don’t want me to pick up some pads while I’m at the store?
There’s one I want to share so badly that deals with an alternative to what we normally wear night and day, but I’m not sure if it is over the line of acceptability. I’ll let your imaginations take over.
Comment #53 by RayMay 31st, 2008 at 10:31 pmI’m sorry, my
noisiestkid can NOT spend two nights in a row at your house.Sure kiddo, I’d love to drive across town to bring you your lunch that you forgot even though I asked you to make sure it was in your backpack before we left and again when you were getting out of the car!
Of course we can go to the pool in December, that’s the best time!
No, I don’t mind telling you the time again. It’s 25 seconds later than the last time.
Will you please stop buying me flowers?
Comment #54 by SallyGirlJune 1st, 2008 at 2:38 amNo, really, when you begged for a big family party, I didn’t mean you had to help to get ready….go ahead and keep making those messes. I love being sweaty and red in the face when my guests arrive because I’m the only one cleaning up those messes. Don’t give it another thought….keep spreading those legos and dirty socks all over the living room floor!
Use the trash can? Why would you do that when you can shove your wrapper down the side of the couch?!
Go on, keep fighting with your brother–it’s music to my ears!
And there a soooo many that other people posted that I could totally relate to!!LOL
Comment #55 by BJune 1st, 2008 at 6:29 amSoundgarden sucks.
Comment #56 by Susan MJune 1st, 2008 at 8:26 amOf course I did all the laundry and put it away today. Who takes more than one day? Or worse, who never puts the laundry away but instead just dresses their children out of the laundry baskets? Certainly not me.
Comment #57 by NancyJune 1st, 2008 at 11:38 amSure we’ll buy you your own DS. We’ll pick up a Wii too while we’re at the store.
Why yes, thank you, I buy all my clothes at Ann Taylor.
We don’t like driving cars off warranty, so we get something new every three years.
This is definitely his last surgery.
What kind of a ward activity was that? I could do much better myself!
Comment #58 by ResearcherJune 1st, 2008 at 12:06 pmIt doesn’t bug me when I use “your” when I should have used “you’re.” I’m kind of easy-going that way.
Comment #59 by JamiJune 1st, 2008 at 12:40 pmI’ll let your imaginations take over.
Ray, I wish you hadn’t.
I can’t promise never to say anything. Chances are I would say any given thing at some time, unless they outlawed sarcasm.
“Oh please, outlaw sarcasm!”
Comment #60 by madhousewifeJune 1st, 2008 at 4:14 pmThere are only 3 more weeks of school! If each of you brings a movie, then we can just do that until the last day!
Comment #61 by LisaCJune 1st, 2008 at 4:44 pm1. I love my stretch marks! I especially love that I’ve never had kids but I look like I’ve had many (look like I’m having one now if fact).
Comment #62 by LyndseyJune 2nd, 2008 at 5:39 am2. You’re right, I don’t have kids so I don’t understand… ANYTHING. I’ll just stop commenting in RS all together, as it is just for married women with children.
3. Marriage is easy and fun all the time.
4. Yes, let’s move closer to your parents. Heck why don’t we just move it with them, they would love that.
5. I’ve never wished that Mormons had a mardi gras to do whatever we want and not have to feel bad about it, I don’t dream about it even. I mean, sinners never have fun, right?
I was so busy, I just forgot to eat!
Comment #63 by djinnJune 2nd, 2008 at 3:58 pm1. I think I have too much quilting fabric.
2. No thank you, I’ve had enough chocolate for a lifetime.
3. A quilting retreat sounds boring.
4. Another spa certificate? Honey you shouldn’t have!
5. Diamonds are a girls best friend.
:)
Comment #64 by MollyJune 2nd, 2008 at 4:40 pm[…] 5 Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say from Mormon Mommy Wars caught my attention. Her list: 1. Sleeping past 5:30 a.m. is just a waste of life. I don’t see how anyone does it. 2. This dish could use a touch of cilantro. 3. You know what this family needs? A cat. 4. You know what else this family needs? Some sort of smelly small rodent in a cage that will die soon. 5. Skydiving? I’m IN! […]
Pingback #65 by I Rarely Comment on other’s Blogs but I had to on this one…June 2nd, 2008 at 4:58 pmSure, bud…..you can play the XBox again. By all means, you haven’t played for 13 whole minutes now.
Why aren’t there any wet towels on the floor?
Why haven’t I heard any fighting today?
I secretly like the food designs you’re creating on the kitchen walls. Here’s some more applesauce, Monet.
The gum in the hidden pocket of my purse is just for you.
I love Sports Center, Justice League, 2 1/2 minute sex and emptying garbages.
Just decided that foot rubs are a waste of time…..who needs them?
Comment #66 by KrisJune 2nd, 2008 at 5:28 pmI have actually said “this dish needs a touch of cilantro.”
But I would never say:
“Tivo isn’t worth the extra $5 a month. Let’s save the money instead.”
“Don’t get up honey–let me get you a drink.”
“McDonald’s sounds great.”
“Massages are overrated.”
Comment #67 by LindsayJune 2nd, 2008 at 5:45 pmMy insurance company is simply wonderful.
Comment #68 by Tammy and ParkerJune 2nd, 2008 at 7:22 pmMaids are so overrated.
Comment #69 by LaceyJune 4th, 2008 at 5:01 pm[…] Ok, I know this isn’t that funny, but in deleting spam, I came across an old post of 5 things you’ll never hear me say. I still stand firmly by those 5 things. Cilantro, cats, and skydiving are all OUT. […]
Pingback #70 by Mormon Mommy Wars » Never say Never, I guess.January 1st, 2011 at 1:57 pm