By Tracy M

1. I’m sorry to hear that the unemployment woes are continuing. It does suck. My dad was out of a work for a long time (longer than 6 months). My father-in-law has had periods of unemployment. It’s a very, very difficult thing to go through.

   I do have one piece of advice:

   Realistically, job hunting isn’t going to take 40 hours a week. It would be great if that was the case, but it normally isn’t. Now obviously, what would be great is if your husband would be super disciplined and use the other time to help around the house, brush up on skills and reading that would be of direct value to his profession, etc. But it can be a difficult thing to do, especially if he’s the type of person who does best in a structured environment.

   I suggest, then, that your husband become engaged in volunteer work. Something that’s not super time intensive and is flexible (so he can go to job interviews, etc.) and that he can disengage from when gets a job. Some nonprofits/government agencies would probably prefer somebody who can make a regular commitment, but I know there are places where 10-20 hours a week would be greatly appreciated, even if it only happens for a month.

   This accomplishes four things:

   1. It gets him up in the morning and showered.
   2. It gets him out of the house and out from under your foot.
   3. It gives him mental, social and physical stimulation/effort that isn’t just job hunting.
   4. It makes him feel like he’s doing something worthwhile with his time off.

   Both my father and father-in-law have had periods when they did this sort of thing, and it was a huge help.

   Comment #1 by William MorrisJune 1st, 2008 at 6:16 pm

2. The company where my husband has worked for the last five years collapsed a few days ago. His last day of work will be friday. So I don’t know what you do. I hope it doesn’t drag on. At what point do you really just need any job and start temping or something? I will be reading what ever advice other people post.

   Comment #2 by MarieJune 1st, 2008 at 6:30 pm

3. Someday this will all seem like a bad dream. I will now use my magic time ball to skip ahead to that time.

   Comment #3 by The WizJune 1st, 2008 at 6:38 pm

4. […] Tracy: Unemployment Sucks (send moral support her way) […]

   Pingback #4 by Virtual Oases, June 1 « The ExponentJune 1st, 2008 at 6:40 pm

5. I’ve been through it and it is hard.

   You’ve my best wishes.

   Comment #5 by Stephen M (Ethesis)June 1st, 2008 at 6:41 pm

6. Wow. Been there. Been there for a loooong time. So long, in fact, hubby changed careers paths…not a little, but sold our home, retrained, spent ALL our money to make the change. And ya know what? It took frm Oct. 2001 until Dec. 2003. We had to move cross country and I was 8 1/2 months preggers with number four while I drove across the ENTIRE country to meet him. Ya know what else? It was all worth it.
   We took a huge step down..no more six bedroom house on a golf course, stones throw from the beach. We moved into a duplex on a busy street down the road from a halfway house. We cried, we laughed, we struggled, we swallowed our pride, we grew ultra close and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, that it was worth all the pain.

   I would cry it out in the shower because I knew his self esteem was tanked. I was honest with him, but let’s face it…he can only watch me cry so many times in a day before he starts to feel like a complete failure. Stay close to girlfriends. Come here and vent if you have to. Get it out, pray, and fake it around the kids. Not, like lie, fake, but get them to the park when all you want to do is pout. draw pictures when you don’t feel like it. My biggest regret is that I cried through my oldest childs entire kindergarten year. That doesn’t come back.

   This sounds mysogonistic(sp?), but take care of hubby. No one else can comfort him like you can, Let your girlfriends take care of you. No one loves you like a girlfriend.
   And, in the end, which is where I am now, I have a husband who looks at me and knows how much I gave up for him; how much I struggled with/for him. He thinks the world of me…and I deserve that. You do to.

   Here’s my advice I gave to a bff in between where you are, and where I am. I literally copy and pasted this:

   Hard times bite, but eventually, it will be different. Just keep getting up. Ocassionally, shower. Even less often, shave something on your person. When it works, flirt with your husband. When it doesn’t work, ask him to write you a love letter. Pick up a harmless bad habit (diet coke, entertainment tonight, the Hills). Escape into day dreams. I do it all the time….it passes the time very nicely.
   You are awesome. Greg is awesome. Your kids are awesomely young and just need to have a happy home. When you can’t be happy on your own, crack open a cold diet coke and pretend you are strong enough to endure, even if you’re not sure. It will carry you thru until you are. Trust me!!

   Keep us all posted! I’m thinking about you, even though I don’t even know who you are….

   Comment #6 by Can't say...yetJune 1st, 2008 at 6:42 pm

7. OK, edit on my post….Not Oct 2001 to Dec 2003. I wished It took ’till Dec 2004. Ouch. But it is better now then before.

   Comment #7 by Can't say...yetJune 1st, 2008 at 6:45 pm

8. Sorry to dominate…I’m just an expert in this field.

   Another copy/paste from an email with bff:

   When we get married and go through life together, we struggle together, through one anothers refinement. By standing by Greg and supporting him, you are and will be the most glorious thing to him. I know this from personnal experience. No one can replace me in Bryan’s eyes. So, who cares if I could stand to lose a few pounds. I am wonderful and safe to him. He comes home to me and knows I have cried because of some of his choices. He knows I’m all in, and so is he. Really, what else matters?

   Comment #8 by Can't say...yetJune 1st, 2008 at 6:49 pm

9. Temp. Your dh, I mean.

   It can actually turn out to be a great neworking tool. One day this will just be something you talk to your kids about when they’re struggling with something. My husband worked through the temp company for a long time and even got a bonus from them at the end of the year. He has recently been hired at an amazing job that he started out temping for. It’ll get better. It really will. And you’re learning so much right now. I’m truly grateful for the knowledge I’ve been given as a result of our experience. What’s that expression? I wouldn’t take a million dollars for the experience, and I wouldn’t pay 40 cents for it either.

   Comment #9 by HeidiAnnJune 1st, 2008 at 6:53 pm

10. I might have already shared some of this with you, but I can’t remember so…

    Your hubby needs to do what others have said –he needs to do temp jobs (like mad) and treat finding a job like an actual job. I’m not saying your hubby isn’t doing all he can –but you mention feeling lack of confidence, etc. That is sooooooo normal. My husband was devestated when he lost his job and his confidence was shot. But then he got the best advice (that I just gave you): Treat finding a job like a job.

    He set it up in his office. He would go down at 9AM and network like crazy, crazy. Emails, phone calls, resume updates, phone interviews, applications, etc. He’d come up for lunch, and then go back down until 4PM or so. Short day, yes (it has already been mentioned that you can’t do that type of thing 40 hours a week, and it’s true), but it worked.

    My husband took temp jobs within his field –even things he felt were “beneath” him (which irritated me at first because WHAT? ANY MONEY IS BETTER THAN NO MONEY!!) and it worked out well –it got us by for a while. It also helped with future opportunities and he was able to get some great contacts out of it.

    Once, we got a job offer that looked good. We were about 5 1/2 months into the unemployment scene and we were excited. Until he got the actual written offer. The Spirit screamed at us to refuse this perfectly wonderful job.

    That was so hard. Damn hard.

    When the job we finally took showed up almost 7 months into our unemployment, we seriously had been humbled to the ground. Those 6 1/2 months were torture, and yet looking back (yes, hindsight rocks the world), it was the best thing ever. We learned humility, faith, and trust –and we learned not to fight about money.

    You will get through it. But don’t let it ruin your marriage; it’s not worth it. And if your hubby wants it or can take this advice, pass it along. Because I know it won’t do you any good just sitting in your head –he needs to hear these things, too, eh?

    Good luck. Seriously, you will be okay –you’ll get through it. The best part of the Gospel? Honestly? Knowing the big picture –knowing, that no matter what happens, it’s gonna end up okay. Because we’ve been promised that it will end up okay. It might be a while before it does, but Holy Cow, it will happen!

    (Here’s a hug comin’ your way…)

    Comment #10 by cherylJune 1st, 2008 at 7:08 pm

11. P.S. His “office” was in our basement.

    Comment #11 by cherylJune 1st, 2008 at 7:09 pm

12. I don’t know how to express and give advice on something so personal but I’ll try. We had no lee way, AT ALL. So making it through.
    It’s not only dh’s self esteem it’s yours as well that takes a hit. He feels like crap because the men feel it’s their place to support the family. I felt like crap because I felt that I was failing him in trying to be supportive but man was I getting frusterated with everything, myself most of all. For some reason I felt that his lack of self esteem was my fault, that somehow I had failed him. When I reached about bottom several things happened at once and it turned around. NO our situation didn’t improve temporally but the atmosphere in the house did.
    One day the scripture story of Lehi’s family in the wilderness came to mind. It was when Nephi’s bow broke and they couldn’t get food and everyone was getting really hungry. Nephi went and made his own bow and arrow then went and asked Lehi where he should go to get food. It wasn’t the getting food part that struck me it was the asking Lehi part. He treated his father the with utmost respect even though Lehi was complaining and everything. It was then that I started thinking how much I thought ill of dh, and blamed him, maybe not conciously or intentionally for the hardships we were facing. I imagined how Lehi felt, his family was hungry and he probably felt that he had failed them because he led them into the winderness and his self confidence took a hit. It was someone believing in him that gave him confidence to be his best again. In thinking of that I realized that the same situation was taking place in my family. K was losing self confidence in himself because he felt that he had been the cause, however unjustly, of our situation, AND taking a cue from him I also started feeling the same way. That when I decided that something needed to happen where I not only needed to give him his confidence back. I needed him to know that regardless of anything that happened or would happen I loved him and that even though we were going through a rough patch I believed in him. I needed to act like Nephi and give him back his confidence. I needed to treat him like the leader of the family even though he didn’t feel like it.
    Everytime I started feeling frustrated with him I would take a huge breath and go hug him. I told him I was scared and that I needed to feel protected so I needed him to “cover me up”. What that entailed was cuddling but he would completely encase me in his arms. WE’d lay like that for a long time. After a few minutes I really would feel better, more confident because physically I know nothing could harm me when he was near. It had nothing to do with the situation we were in but it helped me feel calmer. I would then thank him and tell him how it made me feel better and that it made me feel protected and like I could handle things better when he did that. It was something little but it helped. It was also at that time when my kids learned the song “mother tell me the sstory” in primary. I know you didn’t go to primary so the words constantly came to mind when I got frusterated.
    Mother tell me the stories that I love to hear, tell me of heaven and why I came here. MOther tell how you love me AND GENTLY SPEAK and then I’ll go to sleep. Um yeah the guilt of everytime I started to raise my voice and have the song come to mind of gently speak… um yeah. HOWEVER I started to rely on him holding me when I needed to feel comforted. It took about a week then he started holding me when he was struggling. It was only then that we really started to work together to help each other. We became more in tune with what each other needed as far as emotional support for each other. I know it was at that time when people said struggles bring couples closer together that Kevin and I became closer.

    So with that PAY YOUR TITHING, PAY YOUR TITHING, PAY YOUR TITHING. Somehow no matter how hard things got our needs were always met when we paid our tithing. I know it was often like the womean with the handful of meal and the few drops of oil that fed elijah. Our oil never failed and our food never ran out.

    I know after this time our financial straights got a lot worse but it didn’t matter because I knew if I had to live in a tent I was going to do it with the person and the things that mattered the most to me, my family. Everything else found into perspective. everything else didn’t matter. I think at that time I decided it didn’t matter. I had my family. I also made it a point to tell K that. I’m ok with whatever happened, I would follow him anywhere and do whatever it took to make him understand how incredible grateful I was that he was in my life.

    So that’s about it. Make him believe that you are behind him and holding him up through everything and pay your tithing.

    Comment #12 by NestleJune 1st, 2008 at 7:10 pm

13. So I told K what I wrote and he said to make sure you understood that taking care of the family is the core of manhood. Men NEED to take care of their families.

    I told him that I told you how I could live in a tent as long as I had them… he said “and we learned to tollerate you… hee hee”

    then I read him the whole handful of meal and drops of oil and still having enough to eat he said “yeah look at my waistline.. hee hee”

    love that man.

    Comment #13 by NestleJune 1st, 2008 at 7:31 pm

14. I’m not the hug you and tell you uplifting things kind of person. But I am a professional worker, and know a lot about job hunting.

    1. Make sure he uses www.LinkedIn.com! My company won’t even look at someone who isn’t on Linked In. Make sure he signs up for it, and then leaves comments on his previous co-workers. In return, they will leave comments about him. Companies searching for new employees will see both of these comments, and judge him based on them. These are make or break comments. Also, reading what your old co-workers say about you is a very positive and confidence building experience.

    2. Use head-hunters! Companies that hire head hunters are serious about getting the right person, and want to hire NOW.

    3. As friends to review his resume. What a friend sees will be totally different from what your or he sees in it. Asking someone else to read it will really help discover what you want others to know about you.

    Good luck.

    Comment #14 by ErinJune 1st, 2008 at 7:54 pm

15. Tracy,
    I have been keeping track of your story…it’s very similiar to mine and we share similar feelings. What do I say to DH when I already know how badly he feels (even when I don’t feel like he’s doing everything he could be doing)? What do I do to keep the children happy and feeling semi-normal? I have a teenage son and I want him to have a hard working provider as an example…is he getting the wrong message at a very critical time? We have been going through this for a very long time now (almost 2 years). Literally the hardest thing I’ve been through. All I can do is exercise my faith. I know eventually I will learn from this what I need to. I never imagined this period of our lives would last this long. I frankly I wonder how much longer I can take it. But I also know that I’m stronger than I think I am…and somehow we’ll manage. And maybe one day I’ll be able to give a young mom some advice about being in this situation…just when she really needs it most.

    Comment #15 by anon in CAJune 1st, 2008 at 7:55 pm

16. The best advice on handling a stumblingblock you know no way of getting around is the ancient biblical injunction that some things come not out but by fasting and prayer. The Book of Mormon adds that great power comes by fasting and praying many days. Do that in faith and you will be blessed.

    Comment #16 by cadamsJune 1st, 2008 at 8:26 pm

17. When we were going through this recently, I just kept needing a “plan.” There was no plan. It was killing me. He had my permission to have a pretend plan and there was still no plan. I just had to wait it out. And beg for a living.

    It was humbling to put it mildly. We fasted. We prayed. He worked temp jobs. I wanted to get a job, any job, but I was very pregnant and couldn’t have gotten even the lowest job. The misery has passed. He’s working again.

    Even though love is wonderful, and families are forever, and the gospel is true, and Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers, it was really hard. To be completely honest with you the only thing that helped at all was medication. I wouldn’t have made it without medication. Or without the bizillion people who prayed for our family.

    I wish I had the magic wand to make it all better. Still praying for you.

    Comment #17 by JamiJune 1st, 2008 at 10:43 pm

18. Well, I dealt (and continue to deal) with our financial problems by eating myself into a coma. Not sure it’s all that great of a strategy, quite frankly.

    My DH has a job now, but we are still recovering from some serious financial blows and it’s stressful. Sometimes we’re BOTH just so frustrated. You can turn on each other or turn to each other.

    Sometimes when I’m so upset and I’ve just got a feeling like something is gnawing on my insides, I look at DH and can see he’s feeling the same way, and there’s nothing we can say that will make it better. So we just hug each other and then we both feel comforted. LOTS OF HUGS. Sounds very lame, but it helps so much. Kind of this reminder that we’re in it together, on the same team, fighting the same battle - together.

    I’ve learned that it’s o.k. for the kids to be aware of what’s going on. They need to know that sometimes hard things happen. The key, I think, is to make sure that they know even when times are hard, we still love each other. Even if we argue, even if we’re stressed.

    P.S. I’m sure he’s already looked here, but just in case - tell him to check out TheLadders dot com. Very high level ($100K plus) management jobs at reputable companies.

    Comment #18 by SueJune 1st, 2008 at 10:54 pm

19. My father has dealt with unemployment for the past 3 years. My Dad treated finding a job like a job and also mmediately began temping just so they’d have money in case they didn’t find something right away. He did well and found good temp jobs within his field. At times he made more money temping then he did at a regular job. My parents learned to save and put aside money for the times my Dad was in between temp jobs. The last temp job my Dad had helped him get hired for the permanent job he just got a couple of weeks ago. The last temp job even hired out of their own pocket extra training so my Dad could do a better job for them and it will be invaluable for him in his new job. He also was there for a long time (1 year) and gained valuable training working with other people around him. Without temping my Dad wouldn’t have gotten the job he has now and it is the best job he’s ever had in his entire career, he makes significantly more, and it’s one he’ll be able to retire from.

    My husband is also unemployed, his job was eliminated 2 years ago, right after we got married. I had quit my job right before and was planning on starting a home based business when we got home from the honeymoon. Nothing worked out. I stressed out, cried, yelled, screamed, and pretty much fell apart, which in turn stressed out my husband to the point of having a severe colitis attack and having to be hospitalized. (don’t do that!) I had little patience with my husband in the beginning. I felt he could have been doing a lot more to find a job and it was frustrating to see him not treating getting a job the way my Dad had. I decided then to postpone having children and starting a business and I went back to school to finish my degree. I had to learn to stop stressing out so much because I was making both my husband and myself sick with worry. Prayer has helped me immensely. For me, I couldn’t do anything without thinking about the job situation, I didn’t get much sleep because I was freaking out. I felt like I had a recording in my head that constantly dwelt on not having money and paying bills. That didn’t get me anywhere but put on high blood pressure medication. I know how stressful it is to not have a job and not know where the money is coming from, but don’t get too overwhelmed or stressed out with worry. My health has suffered because of it. Things happen to us in life to teach us lessons. I have learned to rely on the Lord more than ever before, pay what I could in fast offerings even when it pinched, pay tithing on sporadically made money even though I don’t know when or where the next money will come from, show love for my husband when I don’t feel like it, and do what I can to make the situation better. I know that doing something and keeping busy instead of just thinking about the problem helped me greatly. My husband is now working sporadically, I can’t say he has a regular income and we’ve had to swallow our pride and ask for help a few times. However, I know the Lord is mindful of us. So, try to keep busy and stay positive even if your husband seems to be watching too much tv. Perhaps your husband could take the kids out while you looked for jobs for your husband, emailing them to him to review.

    I graduate in two weeks and I’ll be searching for a job as well. I plan on searching everywhere I can for a job, my brother says linkedin.com is the best website to find a job. You can call a head hunter, (My dad has had good luck with them) call the ward employment specialist, and talking about jobs and job hunting with everyone you know. (I have a friend who found a job by just telling people she needed one and a friend of ours worked at a place where they were hiring. The job was almost everything she was looking for and has worked out well.) A lot of times having contacts is the best way to find a job. Praying is essential as well.

    Good luck, we’ll all be cheering you on.

    Comment #19 by HoneyJune 2nd, 2008 at 2:59 am

20. My husband was unemployed for only 5 months, but it was after taking 2 years off for school. What helped us a TON was collecting unemployment. Those checks took so much of the burden off of what we thought would be an incomeless span of time. I was amazed at how much we got! The interesting thing is that I could still have kept collecting in whenever I was unemployed as an actor, but we felt like that would be taking advantage of the government….I wish more people thought that way, maybe our country’s debt would go down…but when we really needed it, our Government was there for us.

    Aside from that…it was just about encouraging and supporting each other every day we went out there…and we also planned a lot of affordable outings….then that space in between today and that outing propelled us forward and those times distracted us from our fear and anxiety.

    Comment #20 by KageJune 2nd, 2008 at 5:04 am

21. I’ve been where you are as well. I know it is hard. You can make it though it will take work.

    I’m the ward employment specialist in my ward now and I have helped a number of people in your situation. If you haven’t already make sure that your bishop knows about your situation. Try getting help from the ward/stake employment specialists or employment centers at the bishops storehouse. Sometimes they will have workshops that can be helpful. Sometimes these programs are helpful and sometimes they are not run very well.

    I highly highly recommend both you and your husband reading the book “48 Days to the Work You Love” by Dan Miller. Check it out of the Library, buy it used online–borrow money if you have to buy it. If you follow the recommendations in this book it will help you help give you and your husband the confidence and the skills you need to land a job.

    You can make it. It will take work and prayers, but you can make it.

    I read a lot of resumes. If you would like me to read and critique your husbands resume, I would be happy to do it.

    Comment #21 by rkJune 2nd, 2008 at 5:20 am

22. This may be some unpopular advice, but when DH was unemployeed and underemployed for about a year, we applied for food stamps. It took a lot of stress off of us knowing that our children would have enough to eat and it enabled us to use our cash for rent and other necessities. You have paid into the system and if you need to use it, don’t feel ashamed. The most important thing is that there is food on the table.

    Comment #22 by CDJune 2nd, 2008 at 8:01 am

23. My husband lost his job suddenly after working for a company nearly 30 years. I went back to work so the financial pressure was gone but I really struggled watching him job hunt.
    One thing that was surprisingly helpful for him was the church employment services. No, they did not find him a job but they did help him understand how the interview process has changed. My DH was getting to the interview stage, going on the interview, feeling good about it, waiting to hear, then always hearing he was number 2. This does nothing for the self esteem and makes job hunting feel futile. I also encouraged (stronger work probably more appropriate) him to temp. It wasn’t much money but it got him out from under my feet and dressed.
    All the best.

    Comment #23 by staceyJune 2nd, 2008 at 8:20 am

24. I just have to say, I would have thrown the swiffer at him, too.

    Comment #24 by Richelle FJune 2nd, 2008 at 8:47 am

25. Also, maybe you could start freelancing Tracy? I work entirely from home as a writer and make a pretty good income. Feel free to email me if you’d like some info abou good places to look for freelance work.

    Comment #25 by SueJune 2nd, 2008 at 8:54 am

26. I will be praying for you and your family. We have never been out of work, but dh’s dad was unemployed a lot when dh was young, and it sounded very difficult.

    Maybe you or dh could take small jobs if tepming doesn’t get you very many hours. Things like mowing lawns or doing contract work on just the weekends (when job hunting usually isn’t so busy) might help you get a little more cash and make more contacts.

    I agree with the other posters about talking to everyone you know. You just never know who might know someone else who knows someone who is hiring. A lot of companies try to hire internally first (from people who already work for that company but are looking for a change) but they will interview people outside of the company IF they have a reccmondation from someone that works there. This is the case with Dh’s company. He also stared working there nine years ago as a temp.

    Hugs to you!

    Comment #26 by mellocelloJune 2nd, 2008 at 10:07 am

27. I’ve posted this before, but in our 8 years of marriage we’ve had 3 layoffs. The last one was almost 8 months. I don’t know if this helps, but you and your husband are reacting in a perfectly normal way. It’s miserable and I wouldn’t wish unemployment on a worst enemy. Have party nights. Borrow a movie from someone, pop popcorn, make cookies or something and just make it a fun evening for the family. It really helps.

    My husband helps people update their resumes to match what companies are looking for. Also, he has lots of contacts with recruiters. If you’d like, you could send me your husband’s resume and he can pass it on to the recruiters and/or review it to see if there could be improvements.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know how terrible it is. I agree with everyone who says he should temp and/or do volunteer work. That also looks better on a resume than a blank spot. Plus it gives some structure to the day and if temping, it gives extra cash. Usually not enough to cover the bills, but enough to “slow the bleeding.”

    Comment #27 by SeekerJune 2nd, 2008 at 10:25 am

28. I have a question. I am a convert who is full time employed, with a non-convert husband who does not assist with housework, child rearing, cooking, money management, or anything… so my time is VERY limited. I am reading as much as I can about food storage. Where can I find information and ideas on what to store for the working mom? For example, there is no way I’m going to be able to bake my own bread in my current lifestyle frequently enough to rotate whole grain (although I would hope that upon world wide apocalypse I’d be excused from a day or two of work). I can’t even make pie crust, Ladies, although I hear its pretty easy. So what do I do instead? Where are resources for me?
    Thanks!

    Comment #28 by Wrong TurnJune 2nd, 2008 at 11:37 am

29. That’s a good question, and I am probably not the one with the best answer, but I have a disease which makes it impossible for me to EAT any wheat (therefore I do not make bread or use wheat in any recipes) and our year’s supply consists mostly of rice and beans, water, powdered milk and canned fruits and veggies, which you can live off of for a long time. You should have 3 months of food stored that you LIKE to eat (stuff that you eat regularly and can store: pasta, tomato sauce, canned veggies and friut, etc, etc.) Then the rest of your storage (totaling one year) should be food that you would need to survive (for most people, this is wheat, powdered milk, legumes, rice, pasta, etc). I am working on getting a lot of canned protein (chicken) for our food storage since bread has fat in it. Fat that I will not be getting since I don’t eat it, but the chicken should help with that. This is a very individual thing, and you should really think about what your family needs. You are exactly right though…In my opinion, if you don’t think you would cook it, or don’t have time, then you probably shouldn’t get it for food storage. Others may have something different to say, and I know there is a post on this webstie about food storage (or several) that maybe one of the contributers could point you towards.
    Hope some of that is helpful!
    Sorry for the thread jack!

    Comment #29 by mellocelloJune 2nd, 2008 at 11:56 am

30. Goodness, I am so sorry you’re still going through this. I know how tough it is; it has been exactly one year since I graduated college with a degree that I’ve subsequently found is utterly useless. I have been on a job search, yes for that long, to no avail. Like you and your husband, there have been a couple of things that have popped up but sadly none of them have worked out due to scheduling, etc. It is so frustrating, I know. I’ve contacted the Bishop (a long time ago) and have been working through LDS Employment Services but all they’ve been able to help me do is revamp my resume, which I am very grateful for, but it’s done me no good thus far. I apply for at least a dozen jobs a week and 99.9% of the time, nothing develops out of them. I have asked friends, family, and even strangers and no one has been able to come up with anything. The thing is, folks like us have really got the short end of this stick because of the economy - it’s officially the worst time to be unemployed.
    I sure wish I had some advice for you. Even the well wishes at this point don’t sound as sweet because it’s just so stressful and trying. We too have done our best to keep the fighting out of the earshots of the children; we’re lucky to have a pool at our complex so that adds a lot of fun to their days and distracts them from their other wants.
    Just keep on keppin’ on, is all I can tell ya. I really am wishing you the best and rooting for you and your family!

    Comment #30 by Carole G.June 2nd, 2008 at 12:47 pm

31. No advice - just hoping for the best for you and your family.

    Comment #31 by AbbyJune 2nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm

32. First off - Tracy I am so sorry this is lasting forever! We have kept you guys in our prayers and hope things change soon.

    mellocello - do you have celiac? If so would you email me. I have some questions. Thanks!

    Comment #32 by chroniclerJune 2nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm

33. Chronicler– I do have celiac. I checked out your blog, but I didn’t see your email. Let me know. I would love to answer any questions you have.

    Comment #33 by mellocelloJune 2nd, 2008 at 1:48 pm

34. mellocello - foodchronicles at yahoo dot com

    I apologize for the thread jack guys!

    Comment #34 by chroniclerJune 2nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm

35. To those who are unemployed: what kind of job are you looking for? If you don’t mind relocating you can network with the people on this blog. The economy in the state I live in is doing really well and the cost of living is good. I can give you any leads I know about.

    Comment #35 by rkJune 2nd, 2008 at 2:35 pm

36. I was out of work for many months. Thank God for tithing. We received those wonderful, completely unexpected cash infusions (such as the proceeds of a insurance claim from so long before that it had completely slipped our minds) at just the right moments. After months of hunting for work, we came to the conclusion that going back to finish my degree was the way to go. One semester for the B.A. turned into two years for the M.S. and a completely new career path.

    One year during this time my mortgage interest totaled $5,500 and my total annual income came to $9,800 (mostly from internships and part-time positions in my chosen field of study). After awhile we stopped balancing the checkbook because the numbers just didn’t reconcile with the fact that we had food, utilities, and gas in the car.

    Looking back it seems like such a short period of time, but at the time it was endless. The most important things we did was support one another when one faltered, lean on our faith that we were doing the right thing, and communicate to doubting extended family that our children were not starving or deprived.

    Comment #36 by eTiggerJune 2nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm

37. Tracy, I’m sorry. We’ve been looking for a year, ever since we had an idea of when he would defend his dissertation. We have the degree in hand now and we’re still looking … I just wanted to thank you for having this discussion. I don’t really have any new advice, but it helps to know I’m not the only one capable of chucking household cleaning items at my husband as he sits on that blasted couch …

    Comment #37 by JennyWJune 2nd, 2008 at 3:20 pm

38. Sounds like your dh could be depressed, which, from experience, makes it pretty difficult to do anything, like getting off of the couch. Do you still have insurance? Could you see about getting him some antidepressants? I have taken them, don’t like them, but, for me they made the difference between being functional and laying down at 9:00 am in bed with my shoes on. Might give both of you some breathing room.

    Comment #38 by djinnJune 2nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm

39. I remember when my husband was out of work–thankfully only for 10 weeks–and he said that he would clean the house while he was home. Never happened. Ooh that made me so mad! Especially since I was working full-time at the time.

    I am in favor of a hands-on approach. Talk to everyone you know, and even people you don’t know, and let them know your husband is looking for a job. I found my husband his last two jobs–he was the one that interviewed, but I found the openings and nudged him to apply. Seriously, you can actually find jobs via Monster.com. And even look at jobs that might be a little above what he is qualified to do–you never know. There is nothing wrong with a wife helping her husband look for jobs–sometimes the unemployed person doesn’t have a lot of ambition, and the longer time goes by without work, the less ambition they have to find a job. My brother-in-law has been out of work for over 6 years, and isn’t even looking anymore. He needs a smack upside the head with a swiffer!

    And cut every single expense that you can now, except for internet access, because you’ll need that to help with the job search. Someone looking for a job should spend at least 3 hours a day doing something related to the job search. 8 hours a day isn’t realistic, considering most people are bummed and want to spend the day watching tv, but something needs to get done every single day.

    And definitely contact a headhunting firm. They are in the business of placing people for jobs, and have contacts with a lot of companies. They will help you find the perfect fit, which is how they get their money.

    Comment #39 by LindsayJune 2nd, 2008 at 5:38 pm

40. Tracy,

    I have so much to say, I’m going to have to keep myself to a handful of bits.

    In the last several months two business ventures of ours haved failed, and we have been left with nothing and no source of income. There is no unemployment insurance, nothing. It has been, for me, a nightmare of the first order. A lot of my assurances I’ve had about myself have been difficult to maintain: that I’m capable, desiable. We are no longer driving a car that is comfortable and nice - we drive a beater that, at first, was frankly embarrasing to me show up to church in. We have had to go to the church for help, which was difficult enough, - but more recently have had to go to the state for help, something that, frankly, I just didn’t believe ever _could_ happen to me. This is just the kind of thing that happens to some other kind of person. To say that it has been humbling doesn’t nearly say it.

    I have tried hard to find meaning in everything that has happened. That hasn’t been easy. It seems to me, a big part of the test is in discovering what you are when all the trappings that we use to create and maintain our identity in our own eyes and for the benefit of other people go away. When I realized that, I started seeing my situation in a new way.

    What happens if we DO lose everything? If we are forced to live in the basement of someone we barely know, or worse. You know, what if we are living in a van down by the river. Who am I and where do I find joy if _everything_ goes. It is something we have come very close to. After months of stress, I have broken, but have found something at bottom. I am no longer stressing over maintaining my identity to myself and others. If people pity me because of the car I’m forced to drive, this is not my problem. What is the worst that can be done to me? What will be left for me? Instead of capable and generous business owner, loved by employees and customers alike, I am a person that breathes, perceives, communicates and loves. I am a Son of God. This cannot be taken from me. Even if my family became homeless - this thing that I deeply and essentially AM will remain. I can’t say how I got here - but somewhere confronted the fears of losing those things I _most feared to lose_ and foud those fears emptier than I would have imagined possible. And, suddenly, the stress is laregly gone. I can sleep, I can _act._ I begin to see that this time in my life may be something I will look back on as a great blessing, that it helped me to see things I otherwise would not have seen. I can see that the Lord is helping me see more truthfully _what things actually are_ and who and what I actually am. I can sense how much more freely I’ll be able to forgive people for their troubles, that maybe I’m glimpsing the state the Saviour envisions when He asks that we give all away and follow Him.

    Anyway, my prayers and hopes are with you and your family. It is something many people are going through and are going to be going through. You’re definitely not alone.

    ~

    Comment #40 by Thomas ParkinJune 2nd, 2008 at 7:04 pm

41. Prozac (the original seritonin reuptake inhibitor (i.e. new class of antidepressants) can be purchased as a generic.

    Comment #41 by djinnJune 2nd, 2008 at 7:18 pm

42. Begin teaching a Swiffer throwing class. This evening I’d like to throw mine at DH for the opposite of your reason. Mine worked all day then announced just after the kids went to bed that he had finished.

    Been where you are, it is not easy, keep going, just a day at a time. Whatever you do, don’t stop blogging.

    Comment #42 by jendoopJune 2nd, 2008 at 7:52 pm

43. Oh, Tracy. This sounds so hard. I’ve never had a situation quite like yours but every time we’ve moved for my husband’s schooling or work I’ve had to find a job, and I despise it. I’d rather do almost anything than job-hunt. The (relatively short) periods of my unemployment were really hard.

    I’ll keep in you my thoughts and prayers.

    Comment #43 by ZD EveJune 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 pm

44. “It seems to me, a big part of the test is in discovering what you are when all the trappings that we use to create and maintain our identity in our own eyes and for the benefit of other people go away.”

    Gosh, Thomas - you said this so perfectly. I’ve been trying to find a way to express this exact thought for the last few months. That’s exactly it. Thank you.

    Comment #44 by SueJune 2nd, 2008 at 8:37 pm

45. Tracy, a good piece of advice I heard given to veterans who were on disability is to commit to something on a regular basis for at least 6 hours/day. Either take an easy low-level or even a minimum wage job (as long as it doesn’t nix the disability or unemployment compensation) -OR- do volunteer work that gets him out of the house every day on a regular basis.

    Flipping burgers, working as a cashier at a gas-station or convenience store, or even volunteering (ie no pay) at an orphanage is going to look better on a resume than a six month gap of “looking for a job.”

    Comment #45 by BookslingerJune 2nd, 2008 at 8:37 pm

46. “We are no longer driving a car that is comfortable and nice - we drive a beater that, at first, was frankly embarrasing to me show up to church in.”

    Thomas, for whatever little it’s worth my husband has a ten-year-old BMW that he ADORES and I’m super embarrassed to get anywhere near either the church or school in that thing. Our ward is full of students and retirees and my fellow grad students are living below the poverty line, and I myself would feel way more comfortable showing up in a beater.

    I don’t mean to compare my situation to yours or to Tracy’s. Obviously it’s much easier to be financially comfortable than not. But I think you’ve hit on something important–if people judge you by your beater, that’s their problem, not yours.

    I myself tend to feel kinship with beater-drivers. And my thoughts and prayers to you as well.

    Comment #46 by ZD EveJune 2nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm

47. We have been through this more than once. I have always been grateful that my husband was willing to take jobs that were beneath him just to keep us going. After obtaining a VERY EXPENSIVE, name-brand MBA, his first job out of business school fell apart, and after a few months of unemployment and all of our savings disappearing quickly, he took a job doing phone sales for DirecTV to make ends meet while he found something else. But guess what, that experience led him to a management job with a DirecTV branch that paid much more than we needed to get by. And then he took a job that wasn’t in his line of expertise that he has loved and has been great for our family for the last 5 years. It is amazing how things work out when you are willing to consider doing ANYTHING that the Lord hands to you–working menial jobs, making career changes, relocating, going back to school? Just pray and be willing to listen to whatever answers might come.

    As far as practical advice, we found that we were MUCH happier as a couple and a family if we spent as much time as possible with others outside of our immediate family. It is just too hard when it is just the two of you to think of anything else but how unemployment is miserable, but when we had friends over or met friends at a park or to watch a video, it really helped to get our mind off of our problems.

    Comment #47 by Rachel WJune 2nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm

48. I’d would of thrown the swiffer too. We just went through this. My husband had his “office” in the basement and never watched TV during the day, ever. I had morning sickness the whole time he was layed off so he helped out with laundry and cooking but for the most part he really did spend nearly 40 hours a week on the phone and at the computer.

    He also found it very hard on his self esteem. He ended up taking a contract job. Temp jobs we’re not exactly helpful for us. We either need insurance or need medicaid because of my son so the “contract job” worked out for us, because the pay was lousy so we could keep the medicaid. The contract job has given him a lot of experience and although he is going to be doing another contract as they don’t have anything permanent yet, we’re surving, and other employers are now starting to be willing to interview him.

    And yes be sure to get WIC, unemployment and food stamps, free lunch ect. This is why it’s here. We still qualify for the WIC, free lunch and the mediciad and we wouldn’t be surving without it.

    I know long ago when I was very young, my parents went though something similar and my dad was not really looking for a new job, but was watching a lot of TV, my mother resorted to having his parents talk to him and get him going in the right direction.

    Also LDS social services can be a help. Talk to your bishop and see if he can get him going on that front.

    Comment #48 by SarahJune 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 pm

49. I wouldn’t worry too much about the children knowing about the financial problems. I grew up poor — looking back, I realize that I grew up horribly poor. Like the year before I went to college (tuition 25,000 per year), my parents made 17,000. (Scholarships are fun). I’m the youngest, so there were other kids to be provided for out of that for a bunch of years before that. There was a year (I think when I was 4, but maybe 5) that my brother and I with January birthdays didn’t get to have birthdays until May because there wasn’t enough money after Christmas. (My parents had their own business, and things were a bit feast or famine). It wasn’t easy, but it’s actually left me far more financially savvy than most of my peers. When I was in college and poor, I was used to not going out to eat, not having name-brand clothes, etc. My husband, who grew up quite comfortably, had a much harder time adjusting to post-college, grad school poverty. Actually, this may be an opportunity to help foster faith; my mother’s deep-seated belief that God would provide has stuck with me! Of course, so has a deep and abiding hatred of beans; when you live on them for a year, you just can’t ever feel the same about them again

    But I have to say, the nicest Christmas I ever had, I was about 8, and we decided that we would all give up presents that year to give my older brother who was starting law school a computer. It was the best Christmas ever, and I think taught me more about sacrifice and love than a thousand lessons in church. So even though it may be scary for your kids, they are probably learning valuable lessons. Which I know isn’t how you’d want them to learn them, but may be part of making them strong and faithful adults.

    Comment #49 by EMAHJune 3rd, 2008 at 6:49 am

50. Me again. Ya know, so many things we go thru later come around to serve other people.

    The Savior never sympathizes with us. Never. He EMPATHIZES with us. The difference between, “I am so sorry. I can only imagine how you feel.” and “I’ve been in your spot. And I’m still here, stronger and better.” The difference is huge. And it’s the gift the Lord gives us as we walk this life.

    Tracy, I have been in your shoes. I not only walked a mile, I walked and walked and crawled and fell down sobbing. But I eventually got up. It took over 3 years and we still struggle with the financial toll it all took. But the advice that Thomas gave and so many others let’s you know it’s do-able.

    My prayers are with you. Gotta love the internet…a million friends you never knew you never knew.

    Comment #50 by Can't say...yetJune 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 am

51. I second the great practical advise. We went through a two-year period of unemployment.

    The most effective thing for me to get through it was to simply love my husband and believe in him. There were times I got angry and frustrated and that took a toll on his (already tanked) self esteem. So, I learned that I had to set those feelings aside and be his biggest cheerleader. And I’m not the cheerleading type.

    We worked our tails off in the job-finding, but supporting him and loving him was even more effective in finding a job. It’s pretty tough to land a great job when your sense of identity is ripped apart.

    Comment #51 by rynellJune 3rd, 2008 at 2:41 pm

52. So much wonderful advice…and so many caring, praying friends! The only suggestion I would offer is to lead out. Use your skills and training and start looking for a job yourself. If you don’t have any skills or training, get out there and get some! There’s no better time for you…you have built in child-care! There have been two separate occasions in our married life that I was the bread-winner. Sometimes that’s the way it works out…it’s the “individual adaptation” the brethren talk about in the Proclamation. I wouldn’t give back the two years my husband got to be the stay-at-home dad with our eldest son…I don’t think they would give them back either! My best to you and yours!

    Comment #52 by HeidiJune 6th, 2008 at 11:09 am

53. Hope it is all better for you now. My 2cents are: been there done that.

    Best 2 books EVER to get you in the right mindset for employment are “Who moved my cheese?” Its a short book, easy read, emphasis on getting up off the couch and doing something.

    Bible of employment hunting is “What color is your parachute?” a job hunters guide. Been around almost 30 years, updated yearly with new internet info. etc. This book has helped my husband get jobs 4 different times. You can get a copy at my library, but I like buying my own copy. It has become a ritual at our house. Laid off work=buy latest addition. Best $20.00 we spend. Good Luck!

    Comment #53 by livin in zionSeptember 11th, 2008 at 4:06 am

54. you might - if you haven’t already check at your local dept of labor - or whatever it is called in your state. someone who is laid off is considered “displaced” and most states have retraining/on the job training/ upgrading skills money under the “work investment act” if he got laid off because where he worked went to another country there is taa (trade assistance act) both of these programs are federal so every state has them in one form or another. and yes i work for my states dept of labor, i am also the employment specialist for my ward - go figure . but more personally, one of the many times i was unemployed i got my boys to help me collect cans. it didn’t make us a lot of money but it made the boys feel like they were helping out and got us enough for things like gas and a candy bar - real treats when you have nothing for extras. it also kept them and me busy which lowered the stress level.

    Comment #54 by beckyOctober 17th, 2008 at 9:21 pm

55. Things are just so crazy right now in the economy.

    Comment #55 by DaganMarch 11th, 2009 at 1:35 am

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