By Heather O.

1. I think if you have more than one child, you quickly see that there may be “one true book” for one of them that would have been total disaster to the other child. and then, just like individuals are different, families are different. you really do just have to leave behind the things that don’t work for you.

   Comment #1 by cchrissyySeptember 16th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

2. I read a bunch of books, return them to the library, and then integrate bits of what I’ve learned into my life. I observe my kids and try to figure out what will work for them, and try things out to see what works. I’ve learned that parenting is an organic, evolving process. I have gotten some excellent insights from some books, but I don’t follow any one path too strictly.

   Comment #2 by FoxyJSeptember 16th, 2008 at 3:41 pm

3. Honestly, I’ve stopped reading parenting books. In fact, for nearly five years, I didn’t read one book about parenting and somehow, believe it or not, my kids are all alive and sleep through the night.

   Comment #3 by TiffanySeptember 16th, 2008 at 3:53 pm

4. I don’t. I just avoid them altogether. I take the things books say way too seriously. I was given a book on sleep at my shower, and while I told myself I would just read it and use the things they say “if they work”, I still ended up in tears and mounds of guilt about my baby not fitting into their mold.

   No books for me, I can’t handle it.

   Comment #4 by KatieSeptember 16th, 2008 at 3:55 pm

5. Hang in there. Try to get rest when you can. It may be a long slog, but things will work out eventually. You’re okay. Ibuprofen works well when you’re walking the little one up and down and you get a backache.

   Comment #5 by mormonhermitmomSeptember 16th, 2008 at 3:56 pm

6. I don’t think there is a one, true parenting method, but I wish the books would acknowledge this. But, I suppose that stance probably wouldn’t sell books.

   Perhaps this is why people buy all the high-name fancy specialty books instead of the ones published by the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics). Those are the only ones I have. Their book on sleep is very helpful. It does acknowledge that there is no one way to it, and discusses the importance of consistency. You can find it here.

   Comment #6 by JanelleSeptember 16th, 2008 at 4:09 pm

7. I agree that you have to take bits and pieces from each book and try them out. If it works, great, if not, try something else. For infant sleeping I read a few different books in desperation and the one that helped me the most was Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. It gives multiple options so you can do what is right for you. I am reading it again for baby #2 that will be here in a few weeks. Also, I have to remind myself that saying a prayer for help is always a good thing, especially when you just don’t know what else to do. Good Luck!!

   Comment #7 by Angie A.September 16th, 2008 at 4:09 pm

8. 1st baby was the perfect baby that slept like she was supposed to (although the nurses at the NICU, really trained her well).

   2nd baby was on oxygen sleeping inbetween us, now if only we were sleeping LOL

   3rd baby currently sleeps in the swing. We go through batteries every 4 days.

   I don’t even try books anymore, they don’t pertain to my kids.

   What I have issues with is the magazines, you know those parents one that you get for free. I hate when they say this isn’t a problem, or you shouldn’t worry about this, and if I had followed there advice my son would be starved and or dead.

   Comment #8 by SarahSeptember 16th, 2008 at 4:12 pm

9. Try majoring in this stuff (I did marriage and family), passing your Infant Development course with flying colors, and then realizing that your child just didn’t fit all the molds. And neither did the following three!

   My best parenting book? My mother and my two grandmothers. They had better advice for me than any course I took in college, any book I ever read, and any lactation specialist who dared to touch my breasts. When I finally swallowed my pride (talking about me here, not you) and listened to their advice (not all of it worked, mind you), I was able to finally breathe.

   But see, not even their advice was the best, either. Parenting is a very individual thing. For sure there are universal truths, like, say…don’t starve your child. But the rest? It’s all about following the Spirit, our gut, our instinct (I think they are all the same, btw), and learning from our mistakes –and others.

   So, you take the books with a grain of salt, pray a lot, and just do the best you can. I think that’s the most any of us can do!

   Comment #9 by cherylSeptember 16th, 2008 at 4:42 pm

10. After reading a couple of parenting books about sleep, I decided to boycott them all. I refuse to let some know-it-all doctor (whose child(ren) probably slept through the night at 1 week old) make me feel guilty about my skillz as a parent. Every child is different, hence no one parent book can possibly tell us the “right” way to do things.

    So no parenting books here.

    Comment #10 by ColleenSeptember 16th, 2008 at 4:48 pm

11. Going against the grain here -parenting books can be helpful but you need to read them when you aren’t sensitive, tired, or angry. Which is almost never. You have to be in a place where you can sort through ideas without value judgements.

    Comment #11 by jendoopSeptember 16th, 2008 at 4:56 pm

12. I like parenting books, but I haven’t read that many. I do agree that you have to be in a ‘healthy place’ to read them, though. They really did help when I was so clueless, I didn’t know what to do. But then, my kids were pretty average, “fitting-the mold” type of kids.

    I have to agree with Sarah, though, that Parenting magazines are awful, guilt inducing, horrible-advice giving, things that show up in your mail once a week/month. Some kind person might want to give you a subscription. Ask for laundry soap instead.

    Comment #12 by The WizSeptember 16th, 2008 at 5:09 pm

13. Hi All,
    We agree AND we wrote a parenting book. How’s that for confusing! When we set out to write our book, we purposefully did so with the foundation being “Parents Are The Final Expert” We did this for a couple of reasons A. We don’t live with anyone else’s family but our own. B. Neither does anyone else. Ultimately any one of us can gather what we think might help from a variety of places. We never understood why parenting books were written as if the “expert” writing the book had never looked around and realized every family is UNIQUE! There is no “cookie cutter” world we live in, thus parenting isn’t that way either. So yeah, there are books out there, but you gotta hunt em down, but even if you can’t find em, the expertise is out there too, in the form of friends, family and of course blogs! : ) Not here to hawk our own book, it’s in libraries, just wanted to express we shared the same frustrations and decided to write our own book so other similarly frustrated parents might be able to enjoy their parenthood as much as possible and decrease their guilt-o-meters!

    Comment #13 by Devra Renner and Aviva PflockSeptember 16th, 2008 at 5:15 pm

14. I don’t read parenting books anymore. I don’t read women’s magazines anymore as well for the same reasons. Most of the time the advice is not bad, but doesn’t always work. You have to do what you think makes sense. I found with my kids that if I could get them to sleep and me to sleep at the same time, then any method is the best one. Here are some things that I am sure are not recommended, but worked for me:
    -Gave my kids a pillow by 8 months. I know. This probably scares people, but my kids would totally wake up when I transfered them from my arms to the bed. So, I would hold them with a pillow under their head and then move baby and pillow to the bed. Now, I made sure they could sit up, move their head and almost crawl before I did this, but it sure worked for me and I was able to sleep.
    -Let my kids drink bottles in bed. Shock! Horror! My kids bedtime cue was, “Ok, let’s get a bottle and go to bed.” I did this after about a year until maybe 2. Again, they would fall asleep and I would sleep as well. Mom and Baby sleeping = Happy.

    Now I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old. They did not suffocate. They did not rot their teeth and eventually they went to bed without a bottle and on their own.

    Good luck and do what works best for you.

    Comment #14 by KatieSeptember 16th, 2008 at 5:27 pm

15. I read 4 or 5 books during my first pregnancy, and have used them for reference through the second and third. But I tried to filter it — to take it all with a grain of salt. Then I relied on my own gut feelings and sound advice from friends and my mom. And when that doesn’t seem to work — I turn(ed) to Heavenly Father. I figure, He sent me these darlings. The least He can do is give me some advice now and then on how to best keep them alive and happy and socially-functional!

    Comment #15 by teresaSeptember 16th, 2008 at 5:30 pm

16. I do what feels right. If it wouldn’t have helped us during our lives as hunter/gatherers, probably isn’t really going to work, in my opinion. So, I don’t really let my baby cry it out, but you have to do what feels right to you. for me, crying it out was even more torturous on me than her.

    I did what i felt i needed to do when i felt i needed to do it i am sure i have “messed up” but we are all happy and really, no worse for the wear. what did people do before these books?

    One book with some good, commonsense advice is babylove.

    Comment #16 by rebekahSeptember 16th, 2008 at 5:40 pm

17. I read the books and often use their suggestions, but like rebekah just said, I do what feels right. Case in point: with our first babe, we wanted to co-sleep — because it just. felt. right. Plenty of books AND my ENTIRE family pretty much screamed at us not to. But we did, and it really, really worked for us. We loved it.

    Comment #17 by AmandaSeptember 16th, 2008 at 6:03 pm

18. Here’s something I realized just yesterday, actually:
    Authors of books who say to let your child cry it out had children who could “cry it out” successfully and sleep soundly.

    Authors of books who say to snuggle children until they went to sleep had children who could only sleep while being coddled.

    Do you see where I’m going with this? I think the idea is just to figure out which side of the fence YOUR kid is on, and go with that. My daughter was a “cry it out” for the first 23 months of her life. Suddenly…she can cry for an hour and a half and never slow down. Want to know how we finally got some sleep?? I took her naps away, two days ago. She sleeps like a charm now. The one advice that I think EVERYONE should heed is to try ANYTHING new for at least three days. Before then, you really can’t judge it one way or the other.

    Comment #18 by Aunt LoLoSeptember 16th, 2008 at 6:06 pm

19. When I was in the trenches of sleep deprevation and knee deep in parenting books my husband found an article in the NY times that compared the different sleeping methods given by the experts and found that essentially they all work, it’s just a matter of finding what works for your kid and sticking to it. That made me feel a little better.

    Comment #19 by MiggySeptember 16th, 2008 at 7:13 pm

20. I really love Baby 411 because it’s not a parenting book, it’s a baby manual–it provides all the medical and details on taking care of babies and not a lot of the parenting. It does have sections with reviews on different methods so you can compare.

    Now, I can’t really stomach regular parenting books. I don’t care what they all say, I’m the mom, I know best. I do what my heart tells me and try to figure out my kid. Oh and parenting magazines? They can all bite me.

    Then again, I’m wondering if I should be reading Love and Logic.

    Comment #20 by AzúcarSeptember 16th, 2008 at 7:28 pm

21. I read about every single parenting book out there with J. I haven’t picked up a single one with Little Sister, and somehow she’s okay. And, okay, I know it’s extremely tacky to suggest a parenting book on a thread about how much you hate them, but “Between Parent and Child” has some GREAT stuff about interacting with kids. It’s for older kids, though, and it won’t tell you how to sleep train them, either.

    Comment #21 by Heather O.September 16th, 2008 at 7:31 pm

22. I always, always, always go with the advice my mother gave me (she died three years ago) and consult with my sisters about the advice given to them about various situations. My mom was a genius…too bad it wasn’t passed on to me.

    I’ve never read a single parenting book. I figure I’ll save that money for later when they’re in therapy anyway. I love my kids and strive to offer them structure and consistency in their day accompanied by loads of love and hugs. We keep things simple around these parts. I can only do my best and look for ways I can improve based on what feels right or wrong.

    Comment #22 by LindsaySeptember 16th, 2008 at 8:23 pm

23. I don’t believe in burning books - generally. There are exceptions.

    Comment #23 by RaySeptember 16th, 2008 at 8:43 pm

24. Um…I’m certainly no expert on parenting…I’m just 5 months pregnant with my first child…but don’t you think you should throw out the books and get on your knees and pray about it? I mean, every child is different and who better to ask than the true expert on our own children? It may seem like a trifling issue to go to the Lord with, but I guess we’re supposed to pray over everything.

    Comment #24 by EmSeptember 16th, 2008 at 9:05 pm

25. Thanks for all the insights and support! It is so nice to know I’m not the only one frustrated by parenting books and magazines. When I calm down a bit from this recent sleep book fiasco, I’ll look into all the books you’ve suggested. For now, I’ll keep asking Heavenly Father for advice and hope this isn’t one of those things I’m supposed to learn on my own.

    Comment #25 by ddrplantSeptember 16th, 2008 at 9:14 pm

26. I’m a parenting book junkie. I have a better collection of them in my own home than our local public library. I’m also highly opinionated about which ones I like and which ones I don’t.

    But about 1-2 years ago I had to quit reading them for awhile. I had kind of “grown up” as a parent on certain parenting philosophies, and there came a point where I had to branch out on my own and figure out what I truly believed. I had to be sure that I was relying on Heavenly Father for my parenting advice more than a set of books or a particular philosophy. It has been a great experience! I actually learned that much of what I had long believed still holds true for me. But some doesn’t–and I have been able to change things that needed to change without guilt or fear of psychologically damaging my kids.

    Now I’m at a place where I’m needing to go back to some of those books and get some ideas for specific things we’re dealing with in our home. And I can do that now and be in a good place about it! I can actually read the advice and sort out what I agree with and what I don’t!

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s OK to not figure out the answers right away. Personally, I think sleep problems are so common that they aren’t necessarily “problems”, but just part of normal life for babies and parents. But I do still go back and forth at times between thinking “Maybe if I had forced my child to cry it out as a baby, she would sleep through the night consistently at age 2″ and “this is just part of being a parent…most people I know are still up at night frequently with one or more children”.

    I think the most important thing I’ve learned as a mother is that parenting is a process–it’s supposed to be that way, and if you are generally a good person and seeking the guidance of the spirit, you won’t ruin your child. In fact, the natural opposition that is created for your child by your weakness and mistakes is a necessary part of their growth in mortality. Think about it: if we were perfect parents, would our children really have the mortal experience they needed?

    I try to create an ideal environment for my babies and children, but the reality is that it’s just NOT. I get mad and yell sometimes, and have to apologize. Sometimes my son and I both need a timeout. And yes, I spent years fearing that putting him in timout would create psychological damage–because that’s what some books said.

    Once a friend on another message board, who knew me well, made reference to how she deal with a particular discipline situation and then added the comment, “But that’s probably not perfect enough for eljee”. She was teasing me, but it really made me stop in my tracks as I realized that my quest to be the perfect parent was so obvious to others. Now I am much more accepting of myself and my parenting, realizing that sometimes it’s OK to be “just good enough”, and sometimes there really is no perfect answer and we just get to muddle through for awhile.

    From reading your thoughts, I would say ditch the parenting books and just go with your gut. Later on, when you’re feeling more secure, you can read some books again. They’re not inherently bad–I’ve gotten many great ideas from parenting books.

    Comment #26 by eljeeSeptember 16th, 2008 at 9:39 pm

27. I guess I’m bad cause I don’t pray over everything. That seems like it would really bog down functioning. I’m more of a follow a gut type of person. Also go for things that seem to work for me. I guess I think of Dr. Phil “How is that working for you”. When it came to my daughter we “trained” (involving no CIO) her slowly to sleep in her bed and to fall asleep on her own. Son came along, and at 6 months was ill, permanenty and it changed our lives forever. That “training” was no longer feasable. Until a few months ago, If we tried to “CIO” it involved lots of puke, so not worth it in my book. But at 2 we really needed him to start sleeping in his bed, instead of on our bedroom floor. We finally found some medication to help stop the constant puke and we had a successful “CIO” and he sleeps in his bed now, What I’m trying to say, is that it may not be time for your child to sleep on her own or by herself, but when she is older, she’ll get the hang of it. It may be something that you can get through fast. It may be something that is drawn out. But you will be successful but don’t worry about it until your comfortable about it. We are instinctively bothered by our infants crying. It’s supposed to be that way. We get a little less bothered when they are two, or three. There understanding goes up. Hang in there.

    Comment #27 by SarahSeptember 16th, 2008 at 9:47 pm

28. I also loved ‘Between Parent and Child’. The authors have also written a few other books that are also worth reading. Worth checking out at the library. IMO.

    Comment #28 by NancySeptember 17th, 2008 at 12:54 am

29. I had bunches of parenting books when I had the boy. I read them all and had them memorized. Then I realized that none of those authors KNEW my baby and weren’t there to see what he was like. So, I quit trying to go “by the book” and just did whatever it took (and still takes) to make my child happy (and keep Mama sane!). But, I didn’t throw out the parenting books. I kept them and when I became preggo with the girl and had swollen feet, I used them as a footstool. They really worked for me then.

    Comment #29 by fluffychickySeptember 17th, 2008 at 5:53 am

30. I think the only parenting book I ever read was ‘What to Expect in the First 2 Years’ - and that was just the milestones and shot info when I had my first.

    Any other parenting advice - I turned to other mothers. Of course you’ll get just as many varied opinions on things to try in any given situation, but you’ll also get understanding for the situation. That’s something a book never gives you. (kind of like here

    My other method for coping? Is always prayer. I don’t always stop and get on my knees. In fact I can’t say that I even say actual words in my head. But I know the Lord is the only one who knows my children better than me and I rely on that to get me through so many times.

    That was how I sorted through advice to know what to use to try and help my children - or chuck it all an use something contrary to everything I’d been told. But one this is - whatever you decide up - be consistant. No matter how tired you get

    Comment #30 by MommomSeptember 17th, 2008 at 5:54 am

31. I think the only parenting book I ever read was ‘What to Expect in the First 2 Years’ - and that was just the milestones and shot info when I had my first.

    Any other parenting advice - I turned to other mothers. Of course you’ll get just as many varied opinions on things to try in any given situation, but you’ll also get understanding for the situation. That’s something a book never gives you. (kind of like here

    My other method for coping? Is always prayer. I don’t always stop and get on my knees. In fact I can’t say that I even say actual words in my head. But I know the Lord is the only one who knows my children better than me and I rely on that to get me through so many times.

    That was how I sorted through advice to know what to use to try and help my children - or chuck it all an use something contrary to everything I’d been told. But one this is - whatever you decide up - be consistant. No matter how tired you get

    Comment #31 by MommomSeptember 17th, 2008 at 5:54 am

32. I think that there are way too many books out there written on the first three years of life…making it seem like you will make or break your child with your parenting choices. Yes, I think the first few years matter, but I think it matters just as much how you treat your child when he/she is 5, 10, or 15. I have had friends who let their babies cry it out, friends who have a family bed, and friends who do something in between. All their kids have turned out just fine. If you took a poll of parents of happy/successful children, I bet you would see that all these people did parenting their own way.

    Comment #32 by Anne MarieSeptember 17th, 2008 at 6:21 am

33. I read way too many of them and had to stop. I’ve learned the best approach for my overly anxious and intense daughter is judicial use of, uh, “Mother’s Little Helper” - for me, of course!

    Comment #33 by merrybitsSeptember 17th, 2008 at 5:41 pm

34. Yeah, I think that you need to do what feels right for you and your family. Don’t let yourself feel guilty, there is no right or wrong when you are trying to live the Gospel and trying to do what’s best for your child(ren).

    I personally LOVE the Babywise series and have found it to be very successful with both my children, who are both VERY different. That said, I have taken the advice they give and adapted it to our lives/personal situations/etc. I may not follow all the ‘extra’ advice in that book, like couch time or play pen time (which I am sure have been found to be beneficial by others) but I follow the ROUTINE, the ‘eat, wake, sleep cycle’. My oldest began sleeping 12 hours a night by 8 weeks, and my second son began sleeping 10 hours a night by 6 weeks. I do daycare as well and have trained 4 babies on the Babywise routine and none of their Mom’s have a routine. It can be done.

    My Mom gave me the best advice, “Take it one day at a time.” Good luck in your search, I am sure that you’ll find what you need!!

    Comment #34 by 2boys1crazyMomSeptember 17th, 2008 at 5:48 pm

35. I feel for you! Neither of my kids slept the same! Or did much of anything the same. I used Mom, sisters & friends & then did what seemed the best. My NICU son actually slept on his back quite a bit, too! Usually @ naps when I could see him because I was holding him. He wouldn’t take naps unless I was holding him. My daughter? Loved her crib until she realized @ about 14 months that she could climb out.

    The upshot? You’ve got some great advice from all of these wonderful women now good luck choosing what will work best for you! Oh & we tried letting our son “scream” it out. After 3 hrs we gave up. It went on like that for about a week so I went back to holding him @ naps. He’s now 11 & extremely independent!

    Comment #35 by sues2u2September 17th, 2008 at 8:30 pm

36. I don’t read the books. I talk to my sister (who reads the books) because she has five successful, happy children just a few years older than mine. Clearly SHE is an expert and someone I want to be just like.

    Comment #36 by NancySeptember 24th, 2008 at 6:46 am

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