By The Wiz
Ok, so, y’all know how I feel about exercise, right? I don’t like it, I don’t do it, and basically, it makes me hurt. And look stupid. And hurt. It’s a complex relationship, which basically consists of me saying: Exercise, you suck, and exercise saying: Do not. Nanny, nanny, boo, boo.
However, intellectually I know it’s a good idea. And I’ve had my hip tweak out on me, and I have no energy and my stress level is high, and I’ve been sent to the post office twice in the past week, and the post office is right next to……Curves.
See? It’s a sign, right?
So I went in. I hung my head, and whispered, “I think I need to join.”
And then the friendliness began. “Great! My name’s Jamie, what’s yours? So nice to meet you!” And I swear to you, she was genuine. She wanted to be my BFF forevermore.
I thought it would consist of me filling out some forms, handing over my credit card, and then slinking away to contemplate my pain filled future. But oh, no. It was so much more.
I got asked questions like “Is there any food you have a hard time staying away from?” I stared at her. I think my eyes got really big as I thought about the fact that nobody has ever asked me that, and my eating habits are my own business, CURVES LADY, and well, yeah. “Sugar.”
“Ok. Sugar.” I swear to you, she chirped it. Then she wrote it down, so now my love of sugar is part of my permanent record.
“And why do you think you need to exercise? You already said weight loss wasn’t your goal.” Um….to join the conspiracy…..
“What is your current dress size, and your goal dress size?” Um…they’re the same…..
Apparently Curves is not the place to slink in, work out while swearing under your breath, and then leave. Oh, no. It’s “Hi!” and “How’s the wedding coming?” and “Did you find that gift?” and FRIENDLY FRIENDLY FRIENDLY.
Then she measured me all over and weighed me and told me I could have my name on a wall that showed people how much weight/inches I have lost, even though weight loss is not really my goal, and holy cow, the friendly combined with the science is something I will have to get used to, because she was like “after four weeks…” and I stopped. “You mean you’ll measure me and everything AGAIN? Like, OFTEN?” (I guess logically I knew that, because really, results are motivating, but oh, man. I think it’s just because I’m not a workout person, so that didn’t really occur to me.)
“Unless you don’t want us to.” See? FRIENDLY. Again, she meant it. If I had said to her, “Scales are the seventh circle of hell and I am never going near one” she would have said “Fine. We’ll remove it while you’re here.” without blinking an eye.
So I was supposed to go in today for my first scheduled workout, but Little Man came down with an intense fever, and nothing’s sadder than that kid when he’s sick. He just lies around and tries to smile, and when you ask him how he feels, he puts his hand to his forehead and says “My forehead’s still on.” So I stayed home.
I called Curves to cancel, and told them I had to reschedule for Monday, because I didn’t know if tomorrow he’d be better, and Saturday is shaping up to be one crazy day, and I could hear the mental judgment of “make time to exercise” coming over the phone until she said “Great! Monday’s totally free! Looking forward to meeting you!” And yes, she used exclamation points. The judgment was in my imagination - the friendly, though, totally real.
Curves is fairly intense to start. You need a written letter to quit. You get a welcome letter instructing you to clean your shoes before you come in. You can get all kinds of nutritional analysis. NUTRITIONAL ANALYSIS. I don’t know about you, but that would get me obsessed and thinking about food constantly, which just can’t be good. You can buy their clothes, you can buy their food, you can buy their book. I won’t do any of that, but knowing it’s there freaks me out a little. I don’t know why. I am slightly intimidated. I wanted a place I can slink in and out, but this is the only thing remotely close, and this is what I’ve got. (Unless, of course, I want to join with my ward running group which consistently does like, 18 miles runs at 5 in the morning. NO THANK YOU.)
Y’all seem to love it, right? I remember the Curves love pouring forth, so I can do this, right? Yes? Oh crap, I’m doomed.
My mother, however, keeps telling me how easy it is, and has been trying get me to join Curves for years. So, this one’s for you, Mom. Come Monday afternoon, I probably won’t be able to move. I’m going to call you and complain. Merry Christmas.
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