By whatserbucket
A few days ago I was listening to one of my favorite programs. The topic of the week was about one person ruining things for a group. There were different angles taken about different topics but the one that stuck with me was the bad apple theory.
According to one study done with groups of people trying to accomplish an objective, one “bad apple” can indeed ruin the barrel. Study participants were split into groups, some with a planted bad apple (an actor being a downer/antagonist) and some without. They were then given a task to complete. The groups with the downer in them did significantly worse than the others.
Ladies (and Ray), on yet another confessional note, I am totally that person. Is the glass half full or half empty? Looks broken and/or leaky to me.
I’ve been reflecting on this for a few days now. I imagine spending time mulling this over is one of those life opportunities that, if made the most of, can really be inspirational. So I’m trying to be more aware of my black-cloud tendencies. I figure this is the first step in the right direction. I’m not sure what the next step is, but I feel like I really need to internalize this rather elementary-seeming life lesson: Nobody likes a grump. Moreover, grumps ruin it for the rest of us.
Scrooge and the Grinch would not have become famously loved grumps if they didn’t pull out of it in the end. I can’t recall any successful tales of perennial grumps who were simply that – grumpy to the end. Am I going to need some sort of Cindylou Who or Ghosts or something? It’s not like I haven’t had adversity (erecting lightning rod, now) to teach me this lesson – I just haven’t changed all the way. Yet. I am still quite a grump. I gravitate toward finding fault, I dwell on worst-case scenarios and negativity. I tell myself it’s all in the name of realism, but I’m not sure I’m fooling me anymore.
Will I see the light? Will I stare at the glass long and hard enough to decide that it can be half full? Can you BE a grump for nearly 34 years and then CHANGE? I’ve known for a while that being a grump has few benefits for me, but being reminded that it ruins it for the group has definitely been food for thought. As I see grumpy tendencies in my 3 year old the lesson is driven deeper. I don’t want him to be a grump, I want him to be happy. I really admire people who seem to have built-in cheery dispositions.
Am I alone in this? Are there any other grumps out there? Are any of you cheery disposition types just faking? How does being so darn sunny all the time work?
And so it is that I stare into the bowels of a New Year…
I know people who are perpetually cheery and I know those who are happily “pessimistic”. I’m somewhere in the middle. I don’t fake it, though, and I don’t think many people do. For me it’s my life’s experiences that have shaped me and my attitude toward life. Maybe it’s the same for you? I do consciously try not to be the “wet towel” in a group, though. I’d rather be remembered as cheery or funny. That’s all.
Comment #1 by KamiDecember 30th, 2008 at 9:45 pmI was thinking about this a little bit today, actually. I’m a built-in cheery person. (I’m not faking, really!) I’ve been thinking about a friend of mine who in a nice person, but she always has something to complain about. She finds the negative all the time. As a result, I don’t know how seriously to take any of her comments about people I know. I know that she is seeing things completely different than I would, so is she complaining about something that is really just how life works, or should I take her at her word and actually worry about whatever it is?
I guess I don’t know how to go about becoming more cheerful; I’ve never really had to put much effort into it. So I can’t take any credit for being cheerful.
OK, my husband has some good thoughts. He says that I do my heartlessly cheerful act sometimes, and that’s one way to get there–act it and your feelings will follow. (What I call heartless cheerfulness is when dealing with difficult children, not getting upset or emotionally involved–just relentlessly, cheerily, doing whatever has to be done.) Practice makes perfect, I guess.
He also says that business advice on dealing with a grump in the group is simply to fire that person; even if they’re very good at the work, they’ll bring down the company anyway. So in his own work, he tries to look for the mote in his own eye first. The more he tries to fix himself first, the more he finds to fix and the less he worries about others. I hope that helps.
Comment #2 by dangermomDecember 30th, 2008 at 10:08 pmI have this book called, “How to Raise an Optimistic Child” and I highly recommend it. I think it’s excellent advice.
Comment #3 by SueDecember 30th, 2008 at 10:11 pmService does wonders.
Comment #4 by SandyDecember 30th, 2008 at 11:31 pmYeah, I tend to be a grump too, but I try really hard not to be. At this point in my life, when I grump, it’s online, or under my breath. I try not to let it leak out to others.
Oh if only a boss could fire the grumps. If you work in a union house, the grumps stay and kill the working atmosphere and the people who work well and hard try to find other jobs to get out of there, as my husband did a month or so ago.
Comment #5 by mormonhermitmomDecember 30th, 2008 at 11:40 pmI’ve struggled with anxiety for a long time. I’ve found trying to make myself more optimistic just makes me more pessimistic, because I’m always thinking about what’s wrong with me. When I instead accept that my anxiety is genetic and it’s just always going to be there I’m a lot happier.
Not that I’m saying that you have anxiety, but rather maybe a good place to start being more optimistic is about yourself.
Comment #6 by KatieDecember 31st, 2008 at 12:20 amOptimism, it turned out, got me in a lot of trouble. Someone has to recognize that there are foxes about, if anyone is going to protect the henhouse. My husband and I learned the hard way to look more carefully for those who are, shall we say, up to no good. I was almost convinced that it was my purpose in life to address the unsavory issues that most people don’t want to deal with.
After some time I’ve realized that I can’t bear to take on this role all of the time. It’s too dreadful. Thanks for reminding me of some things I need to think about and work on. Great, insightful post.
Comment #7 by Alison Moore SmithDecember 31st, 2008 at 2:15 amWhatserbucket, I’m a lot like you I think.
I often wonder how much control one has over one’s own demeanor and outlook on life. My husband and I are the classic glass half full/glass half empty couple. Is he simply nicer to be around than I am or is he also morally better (in that particular way at least) than I am? Is his cheerfulness a blessing to him and my lack of cheerfulness a trial I must work through for me or is his cheerfulness a mark of his righteousness and faith and my lack of cheerfulness a failing?
I suspect the answers aren’t simple and straightforward. It’s probably not a simple either/or. As you said, I do think that it is important to limit the damage that being a naturally less cheerful person can cause. No one wants to be the bad apple in the bucket or to appear to others as the apple that will taint the sauce. Heavens, disregarding the effect you have on others, it isn’t fun to be the one who is down and negative all time! But what to do?
I found President Eyring’s talk on his gratitude journal instructive: http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,89-1-775-24,00.html After hearing his talk at conference a year ago I kept a gratitude journal for a month or two. It seemed to help. It’s difficult to be down if you are busy being grateful. My journal especially helped me to appreciate my children more instead of being so negative about them. Thank you for your post because it reminds me that I need to get back to working on this.
Comment #8 by Pmom@Chocolateandgarlic.comDecember 31st, 2008 at 2:23 amI recently read a great article discussing how to change behaviors that are negatively impacting our lives. It basically said that we use negative behaviors similarly to the way our body uses our immune systems- to protect ourselves in some way. Most negative behaviors are as a result of some kind of fear that we have. Perhaps you continue to be pessimistic because you fear that if you don’t, you could end up being disappointed?
The article talked about identifying those fears, then trying to think differently- imagine being more positive, being a positive influence, and the results that could bring. Then just take it in babysteps. Make a goal to not say anything negative for, say, 24 hours. See how it goes, then go from there.
And as always, I believe prayers is key. If this is something that you are honestly trying to change, then just ask the Lord to help you. He loves you and He wants you to become closer to Him, and certainly making this positive change is a step closer, so He will certainly help you.
Comment #9 by KaseyQDecember 31st, 2008 at 6:58 amI second the Optimistic Child book. Totally changed how I look at things, and how I parent.
Comment #10 by Heather O.December 31st, 2008 at 8:39 amI think that the world underrates pessimists.
We NEED people who can anticipate worst-case scenarios. We need people to point out how things are broken so that they can be fixed.
Emergency preparedness? We need pessimists who know that sometimes it’s best to be prepared for the worst.
The problem with the bad apple experiment was the experiment itself. They gave the group a task that was best solved by optimists. If they had given the groups a task that looked for how something was broken or how something might fail, the “bad apple” groups might done better on the task.
History loves to tell the story of the person who succeeded despite bad odds, or who optimistically took huge risks that paid off. What of the optimists who lacked foresight/luck and failed? Well, we just don’t hear about them. History is much more the story of successes rather than failures. I believe that success is a result of careful planning, and choosing paths which are the most likely to produce the desired result. This requires some element of pessimistic thinking — or at least asking the question: How could this go wrong?
So, I don’t think pessimism is necessarily bad, as long as it is directed toward making wise choices, prudent planning, and noticing and fixing problems.
Hows that for a positive spin on pessimism?
Comment #11 by MMomDecember 31st, 2008 at 9:27 amJust ran across your blog and am an immediate fan! Love the deep thoughts and unfortunately I am one of those happy people MOST of the time. I tend to let the “downers” drop right out of my life. Don’t need them, I want positive energy. Remember, we are here because we are to be happy!
I’ll be stalking you!
Comment #12 by MelissaCDecember 31st, 2008 at 9:28 amGrumps need optimists to point out the silver lining. Optimists need grumps to point out the reality of things that need to be changed.
My advice: Find an optimist, if you don’t have one handy at all times, and spend as much time as you can with him or her. Years of exposure to each other will rub off, creating two more balanced people.
Comment #13 by Michelle AMDecember 31st, 2008 at 9:55 am*Sigh* - That last comment was mine, not Michelle’s.
I could look at it negatively (”That’s two in a row, butthead.”) or positively (”My wife and I both love this blog - and are one, anyway, so what does it matter?”).
I think I will do the latter, in honor of this post - and add the emoticon to highlight it.
Comment #14 by RayDecember 31st, 2008 at 9:58 amGood insight — sigh…I am so good at being grumpy though. Should I give up a talent, haha. I think this is why I need a husband! He’s happy always. He reminds me to be happy. Suddenly the grumpiness goes away. And then we’re both happy.
Actually, I think this is why we have a puppy. It’s so hard to be grumpy when our happy puppy is doing silly things.
Comment #15 by NatalieDecember 31st, 2008 at 10:50 amIt has been very helpful to me to know my optimistic and unfailingly positive husband. He is a good model for me–there is a lot to admire and I am glad to be married to him. However, Ray is wrong that pessimists and optimists make a perfect couple, always balancing each other out.
Unfortunately, sometimes the opposite occurs. When an optimist always looks at the upside, the pessimist sometimes feels a responsibility to take on the burden of worry for both of them. For example, if my husband continues to assure me that the economic downturn doesn’t put his job in any danger, I may start making plans for how we will cope with the loss of his job. Somebody’s got to do it! Also, if an optimist spends a lot of time with a pessimist, that person may adopt an overly sunny view to compensate for the overly storm view of the pessimist. When this happens in a marriage, it can leave the pessimist feeling unloved, uncared for, and unlistened to when his concerns aren’t taken seriously. This is a pitfall that optimists and pessimists need to watch out for–we don’t want to make each other worse!
In response to MelissaC (#12), we _are_ here to be happy. However, don’t forget the lessons of 2 Nephi 2. There is an opposition in all things. We must taste the bitter to know the sweet. Sometimes I feel sorry for my always positive husband (although his native cheeriness is usually a blessing). Suffering is an important part of being human, although not a fun part. It allows us to experience great joy — and I wouldn’t trade that joy for mere cheeriness. In other words, my lows may be lower, but my highs may be higher. Also, I am thankful for my ability to mourn with those who mourn. When constant cheeriness interferes with the ability to empathize, a rich part of what it is to be a person is lost.
Comment #16 by Pmom@ChocolateandGarlic.comDecember 31st, 2008 at 11:09 am#16 - Thanks for that clarification. The key is to work toward balance. If balance isn’t being gained, I agree totally with what you are describing.
For my own clarification, I didn’t specify that it had to be a married couple - and I didn’t mean to imply that any optimist and any pessimist always balance each other out. I believe there are plenty of opposites who should not be married, and plenty of people who are more similar than different who are wonderful together. I only said, for this specific goal, to find an optimist and spend time with him or her - and learn from the association. If that is a good phone friend, it can work.
Comment #17 by RayDecember 31st, 2008 at 12:20 pmI think I consider myself to be a middle of the road kind of girl. I hated my mission for the first 6 months but then decided to like it and it was one of the best things I ever did…I was a little black rain cloud for quite a few years of being single when I decided misery wasn’t worth it and I turned myself around and got happy…I sobbed when the doctor put me on bed rest for my pregnancy but after a few days I looked at the good it was doing for my child and decided to have a better attitude and that the Lord was giving me an opportunity to serve and sacrifice.
I guess for me, optimism is a choice. My mother’s voice is always in my head saying “Remember, you are in charge of your own happiness.”
I agree with #16 that there must always be an opposition in all things or we wouldn’t know the good from the bad or joy from sorrow. But, I also feel like our attitude defines how we look at the world…from one trial to another trial or from one joy to another joy.
I guess my conclusion would be…life stinks, I might as well suck it up and enjoy the ride.
Comment #18 by Em-CatDecember 31st, 2008 at 1:05 pmLet’s see. I too am a grump, and though my outward disposition has changed substantially over the last few years, I think that it is easy for me to slip right back into that negativism - all in the name of realism, too.
For me, I think my grumpiness was circumstantial, which I’ll spare you now. So it wasn’t until my life began to stride forward with progress and love that I began to be able to have a more “glass full” outlook on life. Now that I’ve had those few more positive years, I’ve been able to reflect upon my past attitude(s) and have decided it is simply more fun to be positive. Yes, there are things in my life that make me feel rather grumpy from time to time, but all in all I’d say that it was choosing to have a more positive attitude that made all the difference. Realizing that I may not be able to control what happens to me (and boy do I wish I could!) but that the only control I really have is that of how I view and respond to those things. I know that I had heard that before and thought, “yeah, yeah, that’s just talk from people who haven’t experienced real pain.” But as it turns out, it works!
Comment #19 by MaddisonDecember 31st, 2008 at 7:50 pm[…] Update: I enjoyed this discussion of Eeyorish tendencies over at Mormon Mommy Wars. Be sure to read the comments. Share and Enjoy: […]
Pingback #20 by Things are seldom as bad as they seem : Chocolate & GarlicJanuary 3rd, 2009 at 6:43 pmWow, this is a great post. I really enjoyed reading everyone’s responses as well.
My hubby and I seem to switch roles in the grumpy department often. I am up when he’s down and he’s up when I am down. It’s a wonderful day when we are on the same UP page!!
I guess that is just life and like RAY says (I am paraphrasing #13), it’s best to find an opposite and hang around them to keep us balanced.
I am looking forward to checking that book out at the Library… My 4 year old is a total GRUMP and has been since birth. I need to find some new ways to motivate and encourage him, thanks for the referral Sue (and others)!
Honestly, I think that most people have moments being the ‘Debbie Downer’ (SNL?) in the group. I get so mad at myself when it’s me! Thanks for the reminder that no one wants to be around a grump who delivers the bad news all the time, I needed that. Love comment #11… so true, I’ll just remind myself that it’s okay for someone ELSE to be ‘the messenger’ of the bad news.
Comment #21 by 2boys1crazyMomJanuary 4th, 2009 at 8:55 pmHey there I just wanted to comment your blog & let you know that you have a really great blog here! I really enjoy your style of writing and the way you designed your site. I’ll be back later take care!
Comment #22 by Steve EnglerNovember 18th, 2009 at 11:50 pm