By Heather O.
Yes, she is fat. And I’m here to tell you why.
We ordered Dominioes tonight, Tuesday two for one. Figured whatever we don’t finish tonight can be cold pizza lunches tomorrow. (And c’mon, who doesn’t love cold pizza for lunch? It pretty much rocks.)
(Yes, I just admitted to loving leftover pizza. That’s almost as scary as admitting I like eating at Chuck-A-Rama.)
(Well, only when I was a kid, and only because I could make my own ice-cream cone as big as I wanted and put carob chips on it. I thought carob chips were cool.)
I came down from putting J to sleep, leaving DH upstairs, rocking Little Sister. I walked into the kitchen, expecting to nosh on some leftover pizza. I couldn’t find it, so I figured DH had already put it away. I was impressed, considering that Little Sister has been sick and demanding these past few days, and we had little time after dinner to pay attention to dishes before we were in full throttle parenting mode. But I checked the fridge, and I still couldn’t find it. When DH padded into the kitchen, I said, “Where’s the pizza?”
He stared at the empty pizza box and said, “Oh my gosh. Maggie ate it. She ate it all.”
“How much was left?”
“Like two thirds!”
2/3rds of a large pepperoni pizza. I mean, it’s almost awe-inspiring, if it wasn’t so digusting.
At this point, Maggie shlumped around the corner. I told DH to immediately put her out. I’m not in the mood to clean up pizza dog vomit in the morning. “Evil dog”, I mumbled as she lumbered out.
She’s getting trickier, too. It’s not like she’s getting food from off the table. No, we figured out long ago that any food left on the table would be gone the second we left the room. I have to warn my children not to leave their lunch half eaten, expecting to come back to it. Many a tear has been shed in this house upon discovering half a PBJ has disappeared. Or when cookies have been destroyed. (See above link. I admit that 6 months out, I’m able to laugh about it now. I would have guessed it would have taken me a few years.)
No, this dog is going for the gusto. This pizza was left on the counter people, in the box, on a plate. Somehow she nosed through the box and ate OVER HALF a pepperoni pizza. And she did it with almost soundlessly. Truly impressive, considering the heft this dog has to heave to get her body up there. And I have never seen her do this, and so for the life of me, I can not figure out how she balances that big butt of hers with just her hind legs for support.
This dog doesn’t beg, she doesn’t whine for food, she doesn’t shove her nose in our laps when we dine. We have trained her to lie very quietly in the other room during meal times, which she does without complaint. Clearly, I’ve underestimated her. Clearly, she’s just planning her next strike.
Evil, evil, evil, evil.
In other pet news, in case you missed it in my last post, we just got a Betta fish. This Betta is quiet, sorta clean, requires feeding of tiny pellets only once a day, and does not steal pizzas, vomit copiously, or shed. I’m thinking a Betta fish tops my list of BEST PETS EVER.
I’m also starting to understand why people eat dogs in other countries. And I’ll bet with my dog’s girth, she’d be goooood eating.
Now I have to figure out what we’re going to have for lunch tomorrow. And since I’ve since decided carob is kinda gross, Chuck-A-Rama is out.