By Heather O.
Yes, she is fat. And I’m here to tell you why.
We ordered Dominioes tonight, Tuesday two for one. Figured whatever we don’t finish tonight can be cold pizza lunches tomorrow. (And c’mon, who doesn’t love cold pizza for lunch? It pretty much rocks.)
(Yes, I just admitted to loving leftover pizza. That’s almost as scary as admitting I like eating at Chuck-A-Rama.)
(Well, only when I was a kid, and only because I could make my own ice-cream cone as big as I wanted and put carob chips on it. I thought carob chips were cool.)
(Yes, I have just talked about Chuck-A-Rama, carob chips, and canine obesity in less than half a page. If that’s not pure blogging gold, I don’t know what is.)
I came down from putting J to sleep, leaving DH upstairs, rocking Little Sister. I walked into the kitchen, expecting to nosh on some leftover pizza. I couldn’t find it, so I figured DH had already put it away. I was impressed, considering that Little Sister has been sick and demanding these past few days, and we had little time after dinner to pay attention to dishes before we were in full throttle parenting mode. But I checked the fridge, and I still couldn’t find it. When DH padded into the kitchen, I said, “Where’s the pizza?”
He stared at the empty pizza box and said, “Oh my gosh. Maggie ate it. She ate it all.”
“How much was left?”
“Like two thirds!”
2/3rds of a large pepperoni pizza. I mean, it’s almost awe-inspiring, if it wasn’t so digusting.
At this point, Maggie shlumped around the corner. I told DH to immediately put her out. I’m not in the mood to clean up pizza dog vomit in the morning. “Evil dog”, I mumbled as she lumbered out.
She’s getting trickier, too. It’s not like she’s getting food from off the table. No, we figured out long ago that any food left on the table would be gone the second we left the room. I have to warn my children not to leave their lunch half eaten, expecting to come back to it. Many a tear has been shed in this house upon discovering half a PBJ has disappeared. Or when cookies have been destroyed. (See above link. I admit that 6 months out, I’m able to laugh about it now. I would have guessed it would have taken me a few years.)
No, this dog is going for the gusto. This pizza was left on the counter people, in the box, on a plate. Somehow she nosed through the box and ate OVER HALF a pepperoni pizza. And she did it with almost soundlessly. Truly impressive, considering the heft this dog has to heave to get her body up there. And I have never seen her do this, and so for the life of me, I can not figure out how she balances that big butt of hers with just her hind legs for support.
This dog doesn’t beg, she doesn’t whine for food, she doesn’t shove her nose in our laps when we dine. We have trained her to lie very quietly in the other room during meal times, which she does without complaint. Clearly, I’ve underestimated her. Clearly, she’s just planning her next strike.
Evil, evil, evil, evil.
In other pet news, in case you missed it in my last post, we just got a Betta fish. This Betta is quiet, sorta clean, requires feeding of tiny pellets only once a day, and does not steal pizzas, vomit copiously, or shed. I’m thinking a Betta fish tops my list of BEST PETS EVER.
I’m also starting to understand why people eat dogs in other countries. And I’ll bet with my dog’s girth, she’d be goooood eating.
Now I have to figure out what we’re going to have for lunch tomorrow. And since I’ve since decided carob is kinda gross, Chuck-A-Rama is out.
I have to admit that not only was that pretty sad (no leftover cold pizza - which is the best!) but that your dog is so darned sneaky. Makes me glad that ours can & does stay outside unless it’s really cold.
Comment #1 by Sues2u2August 25th, 2009 at 8:24 pmNinja dog thief! Or should that be Dog-Ninja Food Thief.
Comment #2 by mormonhermitmomAugust 25th, 2009 at 8:36 pmOr maybe M.U.T.T. (Most Undetectable Treat Thief)
No dogs in my house and not for the reasons that you listed. Though those reasons alone are good enough not to have a dog.
Comment #3 by ModdyAugust 25th, 2009 at 8:38 pmOh and I’m sorry your dog is fat, what about a treadmill for her?
Comment #4 by ModdyAugust 25th, 2009 at 8:39 pmMy sister was making cinnamon rolls one day. Every time she turned around, it seemed like there were fewer cinnamon rolls on the pan than before. She realized the dog was eating the RAW dough. Couldn’t have been good for the dog!
Comment #5 by StephanieAugust 25th, 2009 at 9:24 pmWe used to have a BIG dog. Like a horse, 120 pound white german shephard. She was known to steal food - a bag of marshmallows from the pantry, a pink cupcake with pink frosting, whole loaves of bread in the wrapping. But I thought we were past most of that. One Saturday night I brought home a bake it yourself pizza and had just pulled the piping hot thing out of the oven on the very hot pizza stone. I put it on the stove and went upstairs to change for going out. Told teenage son to cut the pizza and serve it to the little kids. Where’s the pizza mom? Turns out that in the 5 minutes I was upstairs the dog inhaled the super hot pizza. What the? I mean there was NO evidence of the pizza anywhere! I had to order a take out pizza for the kids. Crazy crazy things some dogs do.
So, in summary, been there, TOTALLY commiserate with you. And no cold pizza for leftovers? Big bummer. I’d be mad for days. You don’t mess with my cold pizza!
Comment #6 by mommymelAugust 26th, 2009 at 4:54 amYou’ve just described my lab. Except she’s not fat yet. It’s only a matter of time. We can’t ever leave any food out. Ever.
Comment #7 by AhnaAugust 26th, 2009 at 7:22 amWe had the best dog ever, a 150 pound bullmastiff. We had trained him to not eat any food from counters, or the table, or grab food from hands (best dog ever). The floor was fair game though. He would sit and watch our son eat in his high chair, waiting ever so patiently for morsels to drop.
When DS was about two and a half years old, the dog treats started going missing from the cupboard, and the dog started getting a little thicker. I observed the two of them one day. DS was in the kitchen, the dog was on the other side of the babygate in the side entryway. The dog would look at DS, then look at the cupboard, then back at DS. It took only two repetitions of this before DS would open the cupboard (so much for baby proof) and get the dog a dog biscuit. Nice training on the part of the dog.
Our only dog/pizza story involves same dog, same child at about three years old and they were both in the same places. DS asked the dog if he wanted to share the pizza in DS’s hand; DS shoved the pizza in the dog’s mouth (up to DS’s elbow); DS pulled the pizza back out dripping with drool; DS proceeded to then take his own bite of pizza that now sported a new topping. Ugh. And of course the poor dog didn’t even get a bite since DS’s arm went in with the pizza and the pizza went back out with the arm. Like I said, best dog ever.
Comment #8 by JCAugust 26th, 2009 at 8:08 amWe’re totally the oppisate. Our older dog was heavily abused before she came to us so wouldn’t dream of touching any food without our permission for fear of being beaten within an inch of her life (which we would obviously never do!). Then when we got our younger dog the older one must have taught her to NEVER touch food because without any training the younger one also won’t go near it. No garbage can rooting, no food off tables, no food off counters, nothing! My hope is that down the road the younger one will teach this to future generations.
Comment #9 by JELAugust 26th, 2009 at 8:26 amThank you.
I just laughed at this post, harder and louder, than I have laughed at a blog in a long time.
You made my day.
Comment #10 by AmyAugust 26th, 2009 at 8:58 amYesterday our dog ran outside, through our neighbor’s front door (it was open), through their back door (it was open) and found a birthday cake laying on their back porch. I’ve never seen him eat THAT fast ever! Too bad chocolate cake is not good for doggies.
And neither is raw dough Stephanie! Haha.
I’m craving pizza now. See ya…
Comment #11 by HilaryAugust 26th, 2009 at 9:06 amOh, Hilary, you’ve reminded me of the time my dog went in my neighbor’s open front door and ate all the cookies on her stove, fresh out of the oven. Her kids still bring that up every so often, just to torment me further.
Comment #12 by AhnaAugust 26th, 2009 at 9:42 amMy dog doesn’t eat food off of tables or counters or chairs. We are obviously far superior to you.
Of course, he does pee.
I miss my Maggie. She was like, the best dog ever.
Comment #13 by The WizAugust 26th, 2009 at 9:47 amYes another reason I have to tell the kids why they cannot have a dog!
Comment #14 by Tracy MAugust 26th, 2009 at 9:47 amWe had a boxer who once at a whole bag of Hershey’s Kisses. The weird part was all of the wrappers were scattered around the room. He UNWRAPPED the chocolates and ate them. No idea how he did that.
Comment #15 by SeekerAugust 26th, 2009 at 11:34 amSee, this is why I’m a cat person. Cats are so much easier to deal with! Also, my cats are quite happy to eat any bugs they come across in the house, something I fully approve of. They also eat paper (tissue paper is their absolute favorite; yum!), but I can live with that little quirk.
Comment #16 by Tanya S.August 26th, 2009 at 12:00 pmI’m going to thread jack right now, but this post reminded me of a beef I have with pet names. Why do pet owners give their pets people names? Whatever happened to Blackie and Foo Foo and Roly and names that are so totally pet names, you’d never mistake them for their children?
If you want to name your daughter Abby or Sophie, you have to be careful that you don’t have any close friends whose dogs are named that, or your child will wonder why she was named after a dog. Okay, I know this is not that big a deal, but I don’t name my child Pongo, so don’t name your dog Lacey. Rant over.
Comment #17 by StarababaAugust 26th, 2009 at 12:44 pmChuck-a-Rama = my dad’s favorite restaurant. Most of my childhood eating-out memories involve that buffet.
Comment #18 by LisaCAugust 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pmI didn’t name our dog Maggie–the previous owner did, and I’m not sure she’s smart enough to answer to a different name. For what it’s worth, I called the previous vet for her records, and said, “Her name is Maggie.”
Vet: “We have a lot of Maggies. We need a last name.”
Me: “I don’t know her last name. We got her from the pound. She’s a black lab. Does that help?”
Vet: “We have nine black labs named Maggie, so, no, not so helpful.”
Apologies to my former neighbor with a baby named Maggie.
Comment #19 by Heather O.August 26th, 2009 at 4:17 pmOut dog is named Charlie. As is our friend’s son. Sorry about that, the kids named him after his breed “Cavalier King Charles Spaniel” = Charlie.
Comment #20 by The WizAugust 26th, 2009 at 5:44 pmexactly why i don’t own a dog. period.
love my betta fish though!
Comment #21 by lizAugust 26th, 2009 at 8:47 pmI loved the image of the dog silently plotting its next food attack. Fun post.
I imagine that to a dog, certain smells are simply overwhelmingly wonderful and the dog, given a chance, can’t resist going for it.
When I was in high school we had a dog and he LOVED cheese. If we said the word cheese he would just lose it as he begged for us to follow-up by giving him some. Predictably, he also LOVED pizza.
I think there should be some pictures of your dog added to this post.
Comment #22 by danithewAugust 27th, 2009 at 1:27 amThat was hysterical. Thanks for sharing! My DH and I laughed and laughed! And we are reminded of more reasons why we don’t want a pet… And I mourn the loss of the cold pizza as well, although I like to eat it for breakfast, myself. Thanks for a good laugh!
Comment #23 by amareeSeptember 9th, 2009 at 7:53 pm