By Melissa Mc
My FIL leaves in 15hours and 35 minutes.
He has been here since Thursday evening.
In that time he has dumped newspapers all over the floor, and expected me to pick them up.
He expected a vehicle for transportation while both my DH and I were at work. However, when it was time for him to pick me up, my 6 year old told me, “Papa didn’t buckle Baby Brother (3yrs old) in his car seat.” This is my precious boy who barely survived open heart surgery – I would really appreciate it if he didn’t DIE in a car accident because his grandfather didn’t find it necessary to use his car seat!
He criticized the aforementioned vehicle because it is has 140K miles. “It’s paid for, “I replied, “we are driving it until the wheels fall off.”
He complains that my DH is overweight and he really should do something about his health.
I am overflowing with bile and resentment and I really want him to go home!
How do you deal with your in-laws?
I don’t deal well with them. I’m interested to hear what insights everyone else has!
Comment #1 by AnonNovember 15th, 2009 at 5:41 pmI moved 4 hours away. That’s how I deal with them. I don’t know, in 20 years it hasn’t got any easier.
Comment #2 by pollyNovember 15th, 2009 at 6:09 pmWell, in the 14 years that we have been married and the 12 years we have lived away from them, we have seen my MIL twice. Yes, that would be a whole whopping two times in 12 years. I don’t really deal with them either. Oh, I actually forgot that my FIL and his wife moved to my city to be near us. Us who belong to a cult and are going straight to he//. We don’t deal well with them either.
Hmmmmm. Maybe I am going to go straight to he//. I am sure that I will have great company though.
Comment #3 by MeliaNovember 15th, 2009 at 6:13 pm*hugs*
I still had fun with you guys that long-ago Thanksgiving though!
Comment #4 by sylviaNovember 15th, 2009 at 6:13 pmBoundaries
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
srsly. this book has the potential to salvage every relationship you need.
Comment #5 by daveNovember 15th, 2009 at 6:14 pmI’d rather spend a week with my in-laws than with my own family.
Comment #6 by JanelleNovember 15th, 2009 at 6:25 pmLuckily, my in-laws are pretty great, as in-laws go. My FIL gets on my nerves but I find that even though biting my tongue and just ignoring most of his highly annoying comments is hard, it’s usually the right thing to do. GOOD LUCK! I love that your are counting down the hours, LOL.
Comment #7 by LynnetteNovember 15th, 2009 at 6:43 pmOne reason we moved to our current area is to be closer to my MIL and my husband’s other siblings who live nearby. I can say that I get along with them pretty well; for us, at least, we discovered that it’s a lot nicer to live closer and see each other somewhat freqently (probably about 1-2 times a month) than try to cram everything into one annual visit while we’re staying in their homes. My MIL can be a little hard to deal with at times, but knowing that the whole family struggles with her helps me feel better. My FIL is another story; he has lived far away for a long time and my husband really doesn’t like him (a lot of baggage going on there). Nevertheless he shows up know and then and it is not ever a pleasant visit. After eight years of marriage I’ve just learned what to expect and I try to bite my tongue and go with the flow as much as possible. Anyways, that’s my novel of a comment
Comment #8 by FoxyJNovember 15th, 2009 at 6:43 pmHa! I don’t.
Comment #9 by Tracy MNovember 15th, 2009 at 6:47 pmMy MIL lives on another continent in another hemisphere. I deal with her by talking to her on the phone once every few months. It’s ideal. FIL is not in the picture since he abandoned his small family and went to another country to marry his second wife even though he could not legally divorce his first wife. Yay! My FIL is a bigamist! I’ve talked to him once.
Comment #10 by tisheliNovember 15th, 2009 at 6:49 pmin small doses, which is even easier now that I’m not really “family” anymore.
Comment #11 by ModdyNovember 15th, 2009 at 7:02 pmPut my MIL in rehab 1 month before our wedding. Now I spend most of my time praying that her live in bf doesn’t die or get fed up, because I KNOW it will be straight to Texas if it comes to that. My FIL is a gambling philandering racist, but thankfully he is way to self-absorbed to visit. Honestly though, I wouldn’t trade my crazy addict catholic/Jewish inlaws for either of my sisters pious LDS inlaws. At least I don’t have to remove me shoes or watch fox news when I visit MY inlaws.
Comment #12 by KatyNovember 15th, 2009 at 7:27 pmI have learned to ignore, overlook, try to forget things that have happened over the years. My goal is to teach my children tolerance and forgiveness and try to avoid doing or saying anything that would put a barrier between them and their grandparents. At the same time, I have also let go of the idea that I have to be close to them or like them. It isn’t going to happen in the forseeable future. I am very grateful that I have chosen to set firm boundaries and avoid reciprocating any unkind behavior from my MIL. She has gradually changed her behavior over the years for the better. Not sure that would have been possible if I had allowed myself to become involved in “drama” with her.
Comment #13 by ENovember 15th, 2009 at 7:33 pmI really love my in-laws. I have a bit touchier time with my own family. I deal with family issues by taking it in small doses - less than two hours at a time. I absolutely would do anything to weasel out of having family stay with us for a couple days. Short visits are nice. Houseguests are not.
And I do my best to only vent to non-family, because griping about family to other family members turns out to be a very bad idea.
Comment #14 by Molly in the Jello BeltNovember 15th, 2009 at 7:55 pmAt least I’m not alone in my struggles!
Comment #15 by Melissa McNovember 15th, 2009 at 7:55 pmLuckily FIL lives in NY and we live 1200 miles away — so we only see him 1-2x a year. But it stresses me out nonetheless!
My folks are PERFECT, and I’m absolutely sure my DH doesn’t have ANY problems with them!
I moved 6.5 hours away and avoid them at all costs! And then when I’m actually with them, I remember why I like them, until we hit about 6 hrs together and I start remembering all the things I don’t like!
Comment #16 by CarrieNovember 15th, 2009 at 8:01 pmWe live in Hawaii. They live in Texas. Case closed.
Comment #17 by MäriaNovember 15th, 2009 at 8:11 pmI try to find the seed at the bottom of my heart and bring forth a flower. I ain’t saying it’s easy, just that I try and keep on trying. Year after year. Visit after visit.
Comment #18 by Terresa WellbornNovember 15th, 2009 at 8:12 pmMy in-laws are great. It’s my parents that I don’t speak to.
Comment #19 by DRCNovember 15th, 2009 at 8:21 pmI like my in-laws. Sure, I occasionally have things I vent to my DH about, but I also vent to him occasionally about my family, and it’s usually all hormonal-related venting anyway so I get over it pretty quick. But they’re wonderfully nice people, and we love living fifteen minutes away from them and getting to see them every week, especially since getting pregnant with our second. They love playing with my toddler, and I get to sit on the couch and rest and relax and watch Food Network and not have to worry for a few hours every week about fetching food for my son, or cleaning him up every single time he gets messy, or chasing after him when he runs away into a different part of the house, etc. And on the days when he won’t take a nap and I am hormonal and cranky and uncomfortable, they are always happy to have us come over to their house, which has saved us both quite a few tears in the last couple of months.
Comment #20 by kaduseyNovember 15th, 2009 at 8:42 pmBack when the earth was cooling we had to live with my in laws for 3 weeks while our house was going through escrow….it was a very long 3 weeks.
Since then all parties have evolved and now we get along better than most. My m-i-l still has her stories that are on a constant loop, my f-i-l still has his opinions, and no matter how long we have been married unless you’re “blood” you are still a bit of a step child.
That said I love my in laws. They treat me better than my own parents and have gone out of their way to help and support us in many ways. They love my children unconditionally and I consider myself extremely blessed to have them.
Comment #21 by s'meeNovember 15th, 2009 at 9:14 pmI am one of the few people I know who absolutely adores her inlaws. They are both in their 80’s- my DH married late- and they are so good to us. They call and beg to take our children, even the almost teenagers. They take us to dinner, or just call and say they are bringing pizza because they know I have been busy. They go out of their way to think of nice things to do for us, as a consequence I am more than able to deal with the minor annoyances and differences from being raised differently.
Comment #22 by ShelliNovember 15th, 2009 at 9:16 pmit’s taken 15 years, but i feel like i have a really good relationship with my in-laws now. and that they like me a little better too
and unfortunately, i have become less tolerant of my own parents’ quirks! family–isn’t it about time (and forgiveness and charity)?
Comment #23 by anitaNovember 15th, 2009 at 9:41 pmWhile my in laws are the nicest people, and they would do anything for you, this is where my problem is. Both of my parents have passed away, so I think the in laws have felt they need to fill a void. It took a few years for me to set my boundaries and figure out the best way to deal with them. I’m pretty much known as the b*$chy daughter in law, but it works!! I have to limit my time with them to small doses, then I need a short break, before I become completely overwhelmed with their constant noise, motion and questions. This is part of the reason why we moved 10 hours away. Now we’re a bit closer, but 6 hours is the perfect distance for us. I do feel for my kids, because they don’t get to see them much, but for my marriage, this is the best solution.
Comment #24 by AngieNovember 15th, 2009 at 9:43 pmI was just thinking last week how my friends or siblings call their in laws Mom and Dad, and I was sad that I don’t have that relationship with them, but my husband calls them by their first names and always has. They are rarely referred to as Mom and Dad, which says something about the dynamic in their family!!
Seeing what other people go through makes me glad for our dysfunction as it is. It could be MUCH worse!!
Um, I obsess and obsess and nag DH about them and obsess some more and then give up and then obsess some more and then overreact, and every now and then do something really nice that I think they will like to it will save our relationship. My MIL is the worst kind of judgemental–a women who thinks she ISN’T judgemental while she tells me how messy my house is and how badly it’s decorated. I feel sad that my children don’t know their grandparents as well as I would like, and I get jealous of other people who can have grandparents babysit at the drop of a hat. But I honestly think I would lose my mind if we lived close to my inlaws. So I grit my teeth, give everybody lots of love, and have major de-comression sessions after every holiday.
Aren’t families FUN??
Comment #25 by anonNovember 15th, 2009 at 9:46 pmI don’t see my in-laws at all anymore. They decided I was dragging their son to hell and they were actually hoping he would divorce me. I found the way they treated the grandchildren to cross the line into abuse. I told DH after one family gathering that there was no way I would let our children near them given the constant threat of abuse. Then I discovered their attitudes about women and decided I didn’t want them talking to our kids. It is very damaging. We were married almost 9 years before getting our little girl and now the wall is even stronger. It’s more important to protect my daughter than to have her see my in-laws. DH still visits and sees them on occasion so it’s not like I made him decide between us. But he completely agrees that we need to protect the kids and he saw just how destructive they were to me and realized that yes, he’ll maintain a relationship with them, but he stays as a barrier between us.
Comment #26 by SeekerNovember 15th, 2009 at 9:47 pmI love my in-laws, and yes, I realize how stinking lucky I am. There are things I vent about, usually on the drive home from visiting them (a very long 4 hours that used to be 5 minutes and I still wish it was), but the things I vent about are the things that also drive my husband crazy. So we mutually vent. About his parents and mine equally. But we’re both pretty stinking lucky.
But I am the favorite kid-in-law, so it’s easy. 
When I am going insane while being around them, I run away and hide. Usually a quick vent to my husband in the bedroom (or the car on a “run to the store”) or just a 10 minute break from the family (which includes BILs as young as 5 and 6… DH is the oldest of
helps me clear my head and bite my tongue in their presence.
Comment #27 by Erin MarieNovember 15th, 2009 at 9:49 pmReading these comments has definitely helped me feel a lot better about my in-laws, because I am seeing that it could be a lot worse. Yes, my MIL really gets under my skin, but at least she’s not abusive towards my husband or grandchildren, or on drugs, or a criminal, and most of the time she at least tries to be nice, or at least she tries to control everyone around her as nicely as she can. (Although I wish she could understand that if you say something rude and insulting in a nice voice, it’s still rude and insulting.) So, yeah, it could be a lot worse.
I have been worrying too much about an upcoming visit (the last time they visited it was especially miserable) so I really needed that reminder.
Comment #28 by KatieNovember 15th, 2009 at 10:02 pmI really wish I had a better relationship with my in-laws. But I’m totally passive-aggressive about it. I’ll have a great time with them and be really happy about our relationship, and then they’ll do a series of things to take advantage of us that’ll drive me crazy and I’ll want nothing to do with them for the next 6 months. My mother has a terrible relationship with my dad’s parents, and that was totally apparent all growing up. I don’t want that for my kids (seeing as my in-laws are just inconsiderate and ill-mannered, not abusive or really wacko). But it’s really hard sometimes to be nice.
I mean, does anyone else really think it’s appropriate to invite yourself and 7 other people for a 6 night stay at your son’s house when his wife is 8 months pregnant and not feeling well, as well as invite another 6 people for Thanksgiving dinner on top of that? Come on!
But I try to convince myself that hosting (hoteling) large family gatherings for people who will barely talk to me when they are uninvited in my home and running everyone their dog around town and to and from the airport at a moment’s notice (thankyou standby tickets!) is ok, since they really do love my kids. And I think they don’t have a clue about why it bugs me that they never plan, treat my house, car, golf clubs, as their own, tell us what our plans are instead of ask us if their plans are ok, etc etc.
As you can see, I still have major mental blocks to a positive relationship with the in-laws. This year, I will be thankful when Thanksgiving is over.
Comment #29 by janeNovember 15th, 2009 at 10:46 pmMy in-laws are my second parents. I call them Mom and Dad, and they consider me a daughter. They’re awesome - not perfect, of course, but they are loving and accepting. Some of you know my DH from the bloggernacle - he inherited and learned many of his positive traits from his parents. I count myself among the lucky ones.
Comment #30 by Michelle AMNovember 15th, 2009 at 10:55 pmJane’s comment in #29 brings up an interesting question.
“My mother has a terrible relationship with my dad’s parents, and that was totally apparent all growing up.”
How much of the ‘in-law angst’ comes because of how we are raised, or what we see growing up? For example: Some people deal with anger by yelling or swearing; others by giving the silent treatment; others by hitting. Our reaction is often based on what we saw/learned growing up with handling comparable situations. Similarly, how much of the stereotypical in-law problems are perpetuated generation after generation because that is the only way people know/learn how to interact? And if this is the case, what can we do to break the cycle?
Maybe that’s just easy for me to say because I have a good relationship with my in-laws…
Comment #31 by Michelle AMNovember 15th, 2009 at 11:17 pmblogs
perscription medication
friends
my husband (who gets it, and is the only man alive his mother can’t guilt)
my shrink
i don’t visit
my house is too small for them to visit and stay at my house (they say)
that is how I deal with my inlaws
Comment #32 by Rachel R.November 15th, 2009 at 11:24 pmI was thinking along the same lines as Michelle AM while reading these comments, because I don’t want to be that kind of witchy MIL someday! How many of us who can’t stand how our in-laws treat us will be that exact same way to our own sons and daughters-in-law someday? I don’t want to be the type who clashes with her kids’ spouses like my mom did with her MIL. I’m definitely not as close to my MIL as I am to my own mother, but I still have a great relationship with her. And I think one of the reasons why is because she stays out of our business and gives us the space we need, while still making sure to call often and show lots of love for us and our children. She somehow manages to maintain a really good balance, for me at least. That’s how I hope to be, because if I ever heard my future daughter-in-law talking about me the way people on here have spoken about their in-laws, I think I’d fall in a heap and bawl. So how do you break the cycle if it’s been a negative one?
Comment #33 by StarababaNovember 15th, 2009 at 11:43 pmI really should add that in the past I’ve always had a good relationship with my mil. It’s only been since things have gone they way they’ve gone in the last few months that I can feel a difference. And she will likely always be a part of my life because she is my children’s grandmother I hope that we can come to a good middle ground. She is a wonderful grandmother and was a good mil, she understood the supportive but not intrusive part of being a mil. I hope that we can atleast stay friendly.
Comment #34 by ModdyNovember 16th, 2009 at 1:27 amHe is gone! And in his wake — wet bath towels left on my grandmother’s antique cedar chest that I have in the guest room. Arrrggghhhh!!!
Comment #35 by Melissa McNovember 16th, 2009 at 7:44 amWe’re actually moving closer because of hubby’s job. It’ll still be a few hours away. Usually they get a motel room on their own when they visit because our housing is NEVER very spacious. I limit my exposure and play nice when I must.
Comment #36 by mormonhermitmomNovember 16th, 2009 at 7:51 amI know that this isn’t always the case, but with my in-laws, I have had to teach them how to treat me. I try to remain calm (this doesn’t always work) and tell them what does and doesn’t work for our family. Showing up unexpectedly is NEVER ok. Commenting on my parenting or how we spend our money is also out of bounds.
If I tell myself that I get to decide how much of role they play in our lives, I don’t get as upset. It’s when I feel helpless that I get angry and have hard feelings.
Sure, my MIL still makes horrible comments that I’m unprepared for. If I can’t think of how to tell her how hurt I feel in the moment, I call her up later and let her know.
I know she wishes my husband had married the girl he dated before me. That girl would have let her run their life. But, he fell in love with me. And we run our own lives.
Comment #37 by anon for this one...November 16th, 2009 at 7:59 amTo anyone who lives in or near Twin Falls, Id, this is not meant for you however even though there is a temple in Twin I feel like Twin is hell on earth. Even though most of my inlaws have moved from there it’s still that way.
I try to never go see my il. AS a matter of fact during the 18 yrs of our marriage we’ve never lived close by. They have come to visit us twice for mil & once for fil. Way too many times to count!
I wish you lots of luck, Melissa. What does your husband think of all this? I found that once Hubby truly saw how his family treated me that he really started to stand up to his mom. It was amazing!
Comment #38 by Sues2u2November 16th, 2009 at 8:07 amI think some friction with in-laws is pretty normal. After all, managing families isn’t easy, and there will always be frustrations and offenses and hurt feelings no matter how hard everybody is trying. I remind myself that complications are normal in families, and I try (TRY being the operative word) to give everybody the benefit of the doubt. My favorite thing about my inlaws is that they dote on my kids, and my kids love their grandparents with a happy, uncomplicated love. In the end, I think that’s all that matters.
Comment #39 by Heather O.November 16th, 2009 at 8:15 amI have some wonderful and considerate in-laws. After my MIL’s cancer treatments, it became much harder for her to be patient and flexible with children or with anyone that does something different than she does. It drives her crazy to watch me cook boxed macaroni and cheese because I don’t cook it as long as she does. If I vary any recipe in the least bit she does a nervous dance. My solution is to not cook around her if possible and limit visits to a couple of days. I’ve decided to just try to be understanding on this one and appreciate her other wonderful traits. Some of these newer habits are not entirely under her control.
Comment #40 by anonNovember 16th, 2009 at 8:46 amI love my MIL. She is fantastic. My SIL and I get along well now, too. I am DH’s third wife, over a decade younger; and introduced DH to the church. Although it took some years, I feel accepted and loved by them. (I think they were waiting to see if the marriage lasted; and if I would be better for/to DH than the first two.)
My siblings’ spouses are another story. My sister married a lazy man who wasn’t even ambitious enough to finish the last semester of a degree. His family is now supported partly by welfare. I won’t get started on my brother’s wife. Let’s just say that although we are civil, we will never be best friends and it’s a very good thing that they live a few time zones away.
My husband has made it a point to be extra kind to my mother. Once or twice a year he will do something special just for her as a “MIL award.” He was the one who said that if times ever call for it, she could come live with us.
It’s my aunt and uncle (my adopted daughter’s bio-grandparents) that I struggle with. They live 30 minutes aways and have gone against the contact rules (regarding abusive bio-mom) that I had set before adopting. I finally told them that there would be NO unsupervised visitation with DD. A few years on, they tell people that I have kept her from them etc. when they make no effort to call or come visit, it’s always up to me. I finally told my grandmother that between the weekly therapy appointments, homeschooling, and being with DD almost 24 hours a day, I didn’t have time to cater to their wants.
My FIL died three weeks after our son was born. Later in his life he and DH were rebuilding a really bad relationship. I learned many things about the man after his death that had I known when he was living, I would most likely not have spoken to him. It has been over ten years and we are now finally comfortable with doing his temple work.
Comment #41 by JCNovember 16th, 2009 at 8:49 amWhen my in-laws last came for a visit, I told my fil to keep his comments to himself (after he harshly grabbed one of my boys and made him cry, screamed at another son he was the worst kind of person in the world, and then berated my son when he was crying). For standing up to his abusive behavior, he cut off all contact with us. The only one who loses is him since he won’t have a relationship with his grandchildren.
Comment #42 by Mayoress of crazytownNovember 16th, 2009 at 9:03 amI don’t have a clue how to deal with problem in-laws, but I have some really stupid ideas.
#1 give yourself $10 every time they say or do something really outrageous. That way you get rewarded for it. You may even look forward to their insults.
#2 Try to predict the dumb things they will say and then if they say it give yourself a prize.
#3 Have MMW hold a contest after Thanksgiving where people submit the most outrageous/funniest/most inconsiderate thing or actions their in-law or other family said or did. Have readers vote.
Comment #43 by anonNovember 16th, 2009 at 9:11 amI live close to my in-laws and have a great relationship with them. Sure there are things that bug me about them, and I’m sure I bug them sometimes too. First I know I’m blessed to have them (as others have said) becuase they love my kids and us, don’t butt into our business and overlook our faults. Second it is actually nice to have them so close so we aren’t spending a whole week together. We vacation together once a year and I do get a little sick of them by the end. I can see where only seeing them a week at a time would totally change our relationship.
Comment #44 by CaseyNovember 16th, 2009 at 10:19 amPlease, don’t even get me started on mine! First, let me paint you a picture of the woman that is, my MIL. She’s a very, ahem, not feminine woman. At all. She’s former military and has two sons that are as well. The phrase, “built like a mac truck” comes to mind. Think “Ms. Trunchbull” from the movie Matilda and I kid you not, that’s her. I’m 5′2 and 102 pounds (well, pre-baby I was!!) so right away, she’s an intimidating individual…it only got worse from there!
My MIL’s hatred of me began when my hubby left the Catholic church and became LDS. She didn’t speak to him for 3 months, so you can imagine how she was toward me. Once we were married (in the temple - they couldn’t attend - HUGE issues there. She insisted that there was something wrong with a religion that wants you to get married and exclude your family. I could go on for hours about the reasons she has no right to complain about how we believe marriage should work. Umm, living in sin with a man for the last 23 years because you never bothered to marry him but oh “we sleep in separate rooms so it’s ok,” anyone!! The things I’d love to say to that woman….) I thought it might get better, no such luck. She’d started talking to my hubby again, but religion just DID not get brought up. Period. However, with me, she ignored me completely. We’d go out to dinner with them and she’d talk/look at everyone at the table but me. Even if I sat right in front of her! And she’d completely ignore me if I tried to speak to her. If I was having a conversation with anyone else at the table (or speaking to everyone in general) she’d start talking like I wasn’t even there. I was so stunned I didn’t even know what to do or think. My husband had always talked about how great she was and that she was such a great mom - I wasn’t seeing a speck of great! It was such a hard situation! I wanted to have a relationship with her! After all, she was the reason my husband because the great man he is today! Deep down I knew she had to be a good person, but it was so hurtful to be treated that way. There were times I’d just cry and cry thinking it would never get better and that one day when we had kids, it was going to be a nightmare. My FIL was at least better, I could talk to him and he was nice, that helped so much. He tried to explain away my MIL’s behavior a time or two, but even he realized that her hatred and disrespect for me was beyond reasoning, so eventually it just became something we didn’t talk about. When we found out we were expecting, (We’d been married just over 2 years) we went by their house to surprise them with the news. I don’t really know what reaction I was expecting from her…but what I got was indifference and dismay that we were “rushing into” having kids. Through my entire pregnancy, in spite of SEVERAL ultrasounds to the contrary, she insisted that we were having a boy and would only refer to the baby as he. She even bought boy clothes! (So that my “daughter” wouldn’t have to come home in pink) And that’s all when she wasn’t lecturing me and hubby about how I needed to have a drug free labor because that’s how it’s supposed to be done and you’re just weak and shouldn’t even be having kids if you can’t handle that “tiny bit of pain.” (She did have both her kids epidural free…but again we come back to that whole “built like a mac truck” thing…and she was on a military base, which isn’t exactly set up for that kind of thing. Or at least they weren’t 30 years ago.) Once Hannah was actually born, things did change a bit. (Hannah Lucille by the way, Lucille being my MIL’s middle name…I’m just sayin’…no one can say we didn’t try to play nicey-nice) The realization must have hit her that *I* had the power to keep her from seeing her ONLY grandbaby with a bat of my eyes in hubby’s direction, and that changed her attitude a lot. It’s not all perfect, but she at least trets me with some respect (even if it is only forced because she wants to spend time with Hannah) but we seem to have settled into a comfortable groove for now.
So there you go, that’s how I deal. I ignore, I cry, complain to my hubby that his mom is the devil, I play to my FIL’s sensitivity for my plight, and then I have babies I name after said evil MIL. Probably not the best plan of action, but no one is perfect.
Comment #45 by Christina M.November 16th, 2009 at 11:00 amLove, patience, and the occasional push-back. Also, don’t accept help from them, or if you do, pay it back. ..bruce..
Comment #46 by bfwebsterNovember 16th, 2009 at 11:35 am#43 I’m liking some of those suggestions…
When DH and I first got married I thought my in-laws were nice people, but I didn’t feel that I particularly clicked with them, the way I had with other boyfriends parents. And in the beginning I had a hard time dealing with some of the quirks. However, now I have to say I feel very fortunate to have them for in-laws. My DH has a good relationship with his parents and I have come to really like and respect them as well. Of course there are still somethings they say and do that drive me a little batty {pretty much any person of color is a ‘foreigner’} but they’re kind and generous. We’re having them here for Thanksgiving next week and I’m excited. Of course, I do have my limits and sometimes there can be too much time spent together…but I also know that’s just how I am in general–anyone can bug me if I’m around them too long. I need my space and alone time.
Like many other people it’s my family I have issues with…I would love to give some advice on how to deal with those things, but I’m still at a loss myself.
Comment #47 by MiggyNovember 16th, 2009 at 11:36 amOh, and for future reference — once your own kids are grown and gone — don’t live too close to them. When Sandra and I moved from DC to the Western US in order to get closer to kids and grandkids, we deliberately chose Colorado so that we would not be ‘too’ close (at that point, all our kids lived in Utah, Alaska, and California). Remember, someday you will be the MIL/FIL, and it’s often a good thing to have some physical distance from your married and unmarried children. It keeps you from getting too involved in the normal sturm-und-drang of their family lives. It also keeps you from becoming the frequent free babysitter. ..bruce..
Comment #48 by bfwebsterNovember 16th, 2009 at 11:39 amI’ve always considered myself fortunate to have a great relationship with my in-laws, but after reading this thread I have a whole new appreciation for them! DH has always maintained that they like me more than they like him. I guess the fact that DH hadn’t stepped foot inside a church for 4 yrs when we met, and then for him to get married in the temple was helpful in cementing good relations with his parents… Living far away and not having children for MIL to have opinions about (which she would) probably helps too
Comment #49 by mitsyNovember 16th, 2009 at 1:27 pmStupid suggestion
#4 Write a list of the types of the dumb things your in-laws commonly say or do. Assign each one a point value. For instance:
Comments about parenting 10 points
Comments about weight 15 points
Racist Comments 20 Points
Stupid and annoying political comments 15 points
Breaking something 50 points
Make a bet with your spouse about how many points they will earn. Whoever loses has to pay up.
Comment #50 by anonNovember 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pmI recommend “Meeting Amazing Grace” by Gary and Joy Lundberg. I got it after a particular trying time with my in-laws.
I know I get worked up about sarcastic comments my MIL makes, to ME and not to her son. My husband supports me and should have been the only thing that matters. I guess I just hope for acceptance and love. My own mother started griping about some of my SILs and I had to beg her to stop because it made me paranoid about what my in-laws might be saying about me. I know I have to be careful when venting to DH because I can effect him with what I say. DH and I discussed being better in-laws to our children’s families so we have to work on it now with our current in-laws.
Elder Maxwell said, “We are each other’s clinical material; the Lord allows us to practice on each other, even in our imperfections. And each of us knows what it is like to be worked on by a “student” rather than a senior surgeon. Each of us, however unintentionally, has also inflicted some pain.”
Elder Holland said “Pray earnestly and fast with purpose and devotion. Some difficulties, like devils, come not out ’save by fasting and by prayer’.”
I just know these are relationships that can change and grow. And that sometimes you have to fast for help.
Comment #51 by Anon M SNovember 16th, 2009 at 1:42 pmI have found that if I observe a strict time limit, things go well. No more than four days. Four days is the absolute maximum amount of time I can take my in-laws and they can take me. Happy Limiting!
Comment #52 by AzucarNovember 16th, 2009 at 4:14 pmI agree — 4 days is about it — 3 would be even better! Or NEVER!
I wonder how different things would have been had my MIL lived — she died 6 months after being diagnosed with Stage 4 uterine cancer — when my daughter was 11 months old. Honestly, I’m not sure how she lived with him.
Comment #53 by Melissa McNovember 16th, 2009 at 6:06 pmThis makes me want to kill myself so that my children’s spouses don’t have to put up with me.
Comment #54 by NaismithNovember 16th, 2009 at 6:43 pmI totally understand some people are difficult, and it can be helpful to vent and in skimming the comments it seems like there is some good advice here for improving the situation. One thing that I think would definitely not help things going forward would be for your fil to find a post detailing his particular failings on the internet. That would be a really, really hard one to patch up. I learned this in 7th grade when a girl in 6th grade found a note I had written (and cleverly folded up into some complicated shape - probably a lost art among todays texting tweens) that said mean and nasty things about pretty much every single girl in the entire 6th grade. I’m just saying, before I put anything on the internet, I imagine the worst possible person reading it, because chances are sooner or later they probably will. If your fil reads this one day, it will surely make him very sad.
Comment #55 by GinaNovember 16th, 2009 at 9:23 pmWhen we lived close by my IL’s I used to have to wear a rubber band or hair tie around my wrist and physically snap it every time my MIL or SIL said something that bugged the crap out of me. I had to distract myself with actual physical pain.
Back in the day I believed that it was all their problem, but now I know differently. I know my MIL and one SIL in particular are just people dealing and struggling with their insecurities and lack the kind of things in their life that would bring them true happiness. It just so happens that occasionally these things create a “perfect storm” when they get matched with my own insecurities.
I have also decided recently to “cut the power cord” with my difficult SIL. My husband hid her on facebook and we took her blog off our google reader. We realized that we were giving her power to hurt and annoy us by choosing to read the things she writes. Now we can spend time *not* being upset with her or thinking about her–which I think will improve our relationship.
That said, it makes me wonder what my children’s spouses will think of me someday. I wouldn’t exactly describe myself as being easy-going. (;
Comment #56 by DeniMarieNovember 17th, 2009 at 12:10 amGina:
Comment #57 by Melissa McNovember 17th, 2009 at 7:45 amNothing in my post is news to my FIL — all of it has been discussed with him at some point.
My FIL is a major chauvenist, not quite a misogynist and he and I have hated each other from the first time we met. He decided I wasn’t a submissive enough wife early on and has spent just about every visit since then trying to help out my poor husband by putting me in my place. He considers himself the head of our family and is very upset that his son doesn’t come to him with every decision like his other sons do (he had no daughters, thank heavens). I’ve heard from my brother-in-law who I am really good friends with about all the discussions they’ve had about me. It drives me crazy because my husband and I have a great relationship and he and I are both very happy with each other, but they assume that since he doesn’t strut around ruling the roost, he is suffering. I dealt with it by just avoiding him as much as possible and always making sure my husband is present constantly. But since we’ve had kids (all daughters), I’ve had to start being a little more vocal. When we found out about our 3rd being a girl, he sent an email saying literally, “Don’t tell anyone, but I might actually be excited about you guys having a girl because there is something special about them being all one or the other. And now that I have enough grandsons, I can be happy about a girl.” Apparently, he wasn’t happy about his 5 previous granddaughters. I asked my husband to say something to him because I was worried he would say something to our girls. My husband thought it wasn’t a big deal, but sure enough at the next family get together, he put his arm around my 7 year old and told her that he had never wanted granddaughters, but now that he saw that she could do “boy” stuff too like ride bikes and hike, he could be excited about having girls in the family. I was beyond furious and my little girl was obviously hurt. My husband sent an email that wasn’t near nasty enough and in the reply, my FIL congratulated himself on how well he treats and understands girls. Next time, he’s getting a chew down from the nasty DIL.
Thanks for the chance to vent.
Comment #58 by jenNovember 17th, 2009 at 8:27 amAfter reading these posts, I am counting myself lucky that my in-law issues are really not that big of a deal.
I know that Dear Abby would suggest directing in-laws to a hotel or saying “no, you can’t come.” But it seems to me that’s easier to say than to put into place.
Comment #59 by m2thehNovember 17th, 2009 at 9:43 amI have stories……. but I would feel bad if my ex-mil ever read them. Let me just say, that her kids have said that they hope she dies before their father. Sad. I know. I divorced their son. Not a solution for everyone.
Comment #60 by BrendaNovember 17th, 2009 at 3:24 pmHow do I deal? We live 20 hours away and don’t invite them over. Ever. But neither of them ever call. Ever. It’s a nice arrangement. Really.
Comment #61 by SinclairNovember 19th, 2009 at 12:03 pmAt least you’re not Indian. My in-laws have bought a huge house, and I have to move in with them and hubby after marriage. I can’t play the role of dutiful daughter in law and sexy wife at the same time; it grosses me out! But it’s really hard for me to move out, because then they will bother hubby about what’s wrong with them and plead to him not to neglect them just because they are old. Hubby thinks Americans like to ditch their parents and put them in nursing homes, so he is really proud of the joint family system. I’m telling him there is a compromise between the 2 extremes, I definitely don’t mind having them close, but not in the same house!
Comment #62 by BrowngirlNovember 30th, 2009 at 2:18 amMy MIL comes over and complains about everything-my son’s cry, us hugging each other, my nice house, how we make more than she does, our car’s seatbelts aren’t big enough…my step-father watches TWC for hours when he comes over, and my mother asks really dumb questions because she doesn’t listen. We get driven crazy. I just pretend I’m a flake and don’t get that they’re trying to be spiteful, or hinting that we should come to their house, or invite them for holidays, and pretend that the things that they say make me really happy, mostly when they’re trying to be mean. That really drives them insane. And then when they leave, you can laugh about it. And say that you’ll never have them over (again). And when they say openly rude things, I just pretend that they’re disabled people who don’t understand what they’re saying. It’s the only way I don’t strangle them.
Comment #63 by SarahDecember 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 pmSometimes posting it is how you vent. If they run across it, it can start a needed conversation. In my experience, they won’t believe it’s about them, anyway. Nobody like that thinks that they have any faults, unless it’s being too super-awesome. Nobody should have to deal with that (I keep telling myself that, too). And if you think that by not saying it out loud, you’re not saying it, you’re wrong. You might as well get it off your chest. If you don’t, you’ll end up medicated and in sweatpants all day.