By Melissa Mc
For months now, I’ve devoted every waking moment to raising money for our elementary school’s PTA budget. When the fundraiser was over 4 weeks ago I was waiting for that huge sigh of relief to envelop me – the one where you suddenly feel euphoric at your accomplishment, can tell yourself job well done and close the door on your success. But that hasn’t happened. This was a two year commitment: 1 year fundraiser coupled with an additional year as PTA president. That second part starts in earnest in 3 short weeks when I need to have a presidency assembled and 20 co-chairs assigned to various PTA committees for the coming school year. And all I can think about is: I want to quit.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m burned out. I don’t know enough moms in the school to assemble that many co-chairs. I’ve spent my reserve. I don’t have anything left to give. The thought of another year of work makes me want to jump off a cliff – literally. I’ve tried to think of some legitimate reason to give them why I can’t fulfill my duties or my commitment – but I don’t have any – other than I can’t do it anymore. The only thing left is lying.
My husband says I can’t quit: “It would set a bad example for the children; it would ruin your reputation; you have to do it.”
My response is: “I don’t care what you say – life is too short to be miserable for another year of my life; the kids will get over it; nobody knows me well enough to know my reputation.”
I’ve prayed about it – but prayer and I have made odd bedfellows over the years, so there isn’t a real indication one way or the other on what God wants me to do.
So, my question to you – is it ever OK to quit?




Sure. If being PTA President is going to make you crazy and miserable and stressed out for the entire year, then I see absolutely no problem with quitting. Your sanity is infinitely more important than your reputation, which I personally think would be a great thing for your kids to learn. Saying yes and doing more and following through are all incredibly important, but sometimes it’s just as important to be able to say no. And it’s entirely possible that God doesn’t really particularly care whether you are the PTA President for next year or not. A lot of times when I pray about decisions, I seem to get the answer that whatever I decide to do is fine, and it’s really just up to me to figure it out.
Comment #1 by kaduseyMarch 29th, 2010 at 7:22 pmYes.
Comment #2 by martaMarch 29th, 2010 at 7:44 pmYes, it’s okay to quit. If you would literally sacrifice your sanity for a year over this, it’s not good for you or the PTA. You could try telling them the truth, that you know you wouldn’t do the job justice and it makes you crazy. Everyone should be as involved as they can be and not expect too much out of each other. If they don’t get that, it’s really their problem. Yes, some people will be mad, but those people are mad at the world, so don’t worry about them.
Also, I got that same “non-answer” to my prayer when asking about who to marry! It was my choice and I chose and I know now that it truly would’ve worked either way. I always believe that when you’re trying to be righteous, it’ll all work out eventually. Good luck!
Comment #3 by LindseyMarch 29th, 2010 at 7:59 pmThat’s a hard one. I wanted to quit being nursery leader in my last ward, but I knew how long it took them trying to find somebody when I was just the assistant but really the leader because nobody else would show up to help. I was burned out after the first year but no relief in sight. It took me MOVING before they got someone else, and even then they were called the LAST Sunday I was going to be in town. By the time I escaped, er, released, I had been in the nursery in some capacity for over two years. It was all I could do to not maniacally laugh when I handed over my nursery keys.
All I can say is, you will have to think good and hard about this one. At least with this job, you KNOW when it would be over as opposed to waiting until the bishopric decided to let you go. Only you can decide if you’re up for the job.
Comment #4 by mormonhermitmomMarch 29th, 2010 at 8:01 pmUm, I’m not sure it’s ever okay to let something like the PTA take up that much time, energy, and emotional/mental space. I think I’d take my kids out of school before letting myself get guilted into doing that much work for such little reward — obviously if you felt well-rewarded/recompensed, you wouldn’t be so disconsolate over the whole thing.
Kids gotta learn that some things are more important than others, that we can’t do every good thing that presents itself as an opportunity, and that public education (or any government institution) is not more important than self, family, happiness, etc. And that sometimes we make mistakes, and that it’s okay to correct our life paths, it’s okay to change our minds, it’s okay to admit that even a commitment we’ve made is not the right thing for us.
Comment #5 by JaneMarch 29th, 2010 at 8:12 pmIt’s okay to quit. Simple tell them it is making you miserable and you didn’t realize that was part of the package. You need an out for reason of sanity.
Comment #6 by AprilMarch 29th, 2010 at 8:12 pmTo #4, I would say “Only you can decide if you have the courage and humility to do what’s right for you.”
Comment #7 by JaneMarch 29th, 2010 at 8:13 pmIt is so totally okay to quit! If it’s really this bad you owe it to your children and your husband to quit, since they are really what are most important and they deserve a happy you. At least, I know I am a 100x better mom when I’m happy than when I’m stressed out. You will be teaching your children by example how to put their family first, even when doing so makes you look bad to some people. What a great lesson to learn! Just make sure you talk to them about it and explain that you are doing this for the whole family.
Recently things have been really busy, and I have gotten pretty stressed out about how messy the house has been. Just about every day (usually several times a day) I have to remind myself that it’s okay that the house is messy because I’ve spent all my time taking care of my kids and THEY are what is most important. It doesn’t matter that other people might judge me for having a messy house, I know that I have been working incredibly hard and that I have made the right choice.
Comment #8 by KatieMarch 29th, 2010 at 8:30 pmYikes.
Yes, I think it is okay to quit, and here’s why: I am a TERRIBLE mother when I am stressed to the max. I am mean, snippy, unreasonable, and just not very nice to be around. I try very hard not to be, because I know that ultimately this is MY problem to overcome, but I cannot let myself be overburdened (for any considerable length of time; your two years is too long for me) anymore than a normal mom already is. It is just too damaging to my relationship with my children.
Stress is a part of life, but so is choosing between good and better. I saw, choose the better part for you and your family.
Comment #9 by KerynMarch 29th, 2010 at 8:36 pmYes. You have to do what is right for you and your family. There is no “law” that says you have to do it for 2 years.
Comment #10 by CamilleMarch 29th, 2010 at 8:38 pmI guess I’d have to say that when I have a choice like that to make, which side makes me feel lighter and more relieved when I think about it? Sometimes, that’s my answer. Sometimes I feel more like, this is not going to be easy but it’s the right thing to do. But it kind of sounds to me like quitting might be the best idea.
I have a friend who is PTA president this year. She was telling me yesterday that she has not worked as hard at it as many people expected her to–she doesn’t spend as much time at the school (”face time”) as some folks want. She doesn’t do a lot of extra work–with 4 kids she has too much to do to take on anything unnecessary. Things are chugging along just fine! She’s not neglecting the job, just not doing the extra fancy bits. So maybe that will help you think about it. Or, maybe it’s time to quit.
Comment #11 by dangermomMarch 29th, 2010 at 8:47 pmHow do you quit being PTA President? Who do you tell? I obviously have avoided the PTA like the plague, and so have no idea the logistics of a president leaving.
Yes, it’s OK to quit. I feel your pain, though. Well, OK, to be more accurate, I feel MY pride. In your situation, it would be embarrassing for me to quit, even though in your shoes I fully believe I would be more stressed and worse at the job. That fear of embarrassment (i.e. pride)would be a huge motivator for me. I don’t know if it is for you. Pride be damned.
If you decide to quit, what are the consequences? For them, I mean? Really think about it. What’s the worst that would happen? Is it really bad? If the answer is yes, it is really bad, can you find a way to quit and still alleviate the worst? That would be a good way to go.
If the answer is no, nothing horrendous would really happen (and that is often the case, the worst isn’t as bad as we think) then I think you can walk away with your sanity intact.
Also, can you look ahead and see that sense of accomplishment at all? Do you think you would feel that at the end of another year? Would it be worth it? If the answer to that one is ‘no’ then say bye bye.
Comment #12 by The WizMarch 29th, 2010 at 8:58 pmSeveral years ago, I ended up as president of my HOA after the existing president resigned due to family and work pressures.
I was a good president, but I did not like it at all. When re-election time came up, our management company begged me to run again. When I told them I simply couldn’t handle it, they suggested I run again, give it a shot, and then resign halfway through if I didn’t want to finish my term like the previous president did. The silence from the rest of the committee was deafening. No one thinks it’s a good idea to take on a responsibility with the intention of throwing in the towel when it gets hard. No one on that committee respected the woman who resigned because it got hard. She never told us she wanted more help; she distinctly gave us the impression she liked doing it all. Then she up and left without giving any notice, and without giving us the opportunity to pick up some of her responsibilities to help out more. We could have done a lot more, but she never even hinted that things were getting overwhelming; she just bailed.
So while I can sympathize with the amount of stress you are feeling, you and your family are not the only ones this decision will affect. Somewhere there is a woman who will have to take over your spot, and it will affect her family too. (Imagine the blog post she would write!)
I hear your complaints, and they are valid. It sounds like you need help. Can you call your faculty contact and tell them how overwhelmed you are feeling? Can you get some help in organizing committees? I bet the faculty members who work with the PTA would be able to find some co-chairs and committee members. And the few women you know would know other women they could ask to help. Network, and then say yes to anyone who offers to help. Being PTA Pres is not supposed to be a one-woman job. There are other ways to address burn-out than quitting. Don’t just hand in a letter of resignation. Find out who you can talk to, tell them about your burn-out, and give them the opportunity to assemble a support staff for you.
Now, if you ask for help and everyone tells you ‘tough, we’re not helping’ then that’s a different situation. But I didn’t see anything in the OP that suggested you’d asked for help. I think that’s your first step. Quitting is an option, but it ought to be a last resort. Ask for help first.
Comment #13 by Melinda in the Jello BeltMarch 29th, 2010 at 9:13 pmI’m with The Wiz. My pride probably wouldn’t let me quit. But I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I was in a calling once that was a really bad fit for me, mostly because I was dealing with a difficult pregnancy that made it really hard to serve, and I was in tears about the calling pretty much every week. DH insisted that I should ask to be released. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have taken it on at all, I should have been honest with the bishopric about what I was really dealing with and what I could realistically do. When they did find out about my pregnancy, ie, when I couldn’t give a talk because I was put on bedrest, I was immediately released. What a relief that was.
Sometimes it’s okay to be honest about what we can realistically handle instead of just trying to muscle our way through.
That said, I think you really do need to look at the consequences of you leaving. What kind of hole would you leave, and would it be easy to fill? Nobody is indispensable (despite what others might think), but sometimes we do leave a bigger hole than we realize. Figure out what that hole is, and how you can make your leaving easiest on everybody. Then decide which would make you crazier—staying, or going through the rigomarole of getting somebody to take your place—and go from there.
Good luck!
Comment #14 by Heather O.March 29th, 2010 at 9:19 pmI wanted to quit a position sortof like that. I really REALLY wanted to, and I even thought I had a good excuse, but decided to stay (out of guilt) and had the most amazing experiences of my life after staying. I would have told you I was doing no good, I was a worse person and I wasn’t cut out for the position, but if I had left when I wanted to my life wouldn’t be anything like it is and I wouldn’t feel anything like I do.
It’s OK to quit and you’ll survive if you do (and so will the PTA and so will your kids and your husband) but you might be missing out on some incredible life experiences.
I’m guessing that either way you’ll be happy with your choice.
Comment #15 by mimiMarch 29th, 2010 at 9:44 pmYes.
Comment #16 by Tracy MMarch 29th, 2010 at 10:27 pmAbsolutely! I’ve become so okay with quitting that I just know better than to try certain things in the first place, now. (that probably wasn’t grammatically correct, but I think you get my meaning) LoL!!!
Comment #17 by SallyGirlMarch 29th, 2010 at 10:48 pmYes. It’s definitely ok to quit. Sometimes it’s your season to serve and sometimes it needs to be someone else’s season to serve. For your mental health and happiness, remove yourself from the equation and give yourself some time to breathe. I’m giving you permission.
Comment #18 by Andrea R.March 30th, 2010 at 4:21 amYes, it’s okay to quit.
I figured this out when nursing felt like a prison sentence to me - so I quit. My reasoning? Bre@st is better, happy mom is best (or in your case - Prez is better, happy mom is best.)
Comment #19 by ColletteMarch 30th, 2010 at 6:21 amI like what others have said along the lines of yes, it’s OK to quit, but I think there are other measures you should take first.
I’m not necessarily saying you should do something that is really hard and making you a little crazy, but I’m also hesitant to say “if something in your life is challenging, you should just opt out.” I know, I know it’s not like your jumping ship on your marriage or your children, but still…. sometimes I think we place a lot of stock in our ’sanity’ when really, you’re not actually going to go clinically insane–it’s just going to be really, really hard and not fun. It might make you grumpy and you might not be at your best for a year but that doesn’t mean it’s an automatic no-go. Now if it throws you into a tailspin of depression and you DO go clinically insane…well then not worth it.
Obviously it’s ultimately up to you, and like I said I don’t think it’s wrong to quit, but sometimes I think we take this idea of doing what’s best of us too far. Someone has to do the hard work, someone has make the sacrifices–why not you?
Comment #20 by MiggyMarch 30th, 2010 at 6:39 amOf course it’s okay to quit! People leave jobs that aren’t right for them. Why shouldn’t you have the same option, particularly since it’s an unpaid (and usually thankless) position, and you don’t even have a religious duty to do it?
But I do like what Melinda in the Jello Belt said: perhaps there are other options besides living in unholy stress and quitting. It might be worth exploring before making a final decision.
Comment #21 by ResearcherMarch 30th, 2010 at 6:52 amYes. You have already given them a year of your life. If it’s not a healthy thing for Momma, it won’t be healthy for the family. Your kids need a sane mother more than a fantastic PTA president. Do what is best for you.
Comment #22 by SaraMarch 30th, 2010 at 6:59 amOf course it is okay. Your sanity and your family come first. Also, think of the favor you are doing for the next person to come along - maybe she won’t feel like she is stuck for two years. One year is more than enough. The reason a lot of people give you the stink eye over it is because they don’t want the responsibility themselves, IMO. Ditto on teaching Gospel Doctrine, serving in the nursery, and many other popular venues.
Comment #23 by RubiaMarch 30th, 2010 at 7:36 amP.S. I love teaching GD, btw.
Can you redefine your PTA position as you would be able (and not miserable) to accept it? Take a list of programs and prioritize them in value. Eliminate the ones that aren’t worth the effort. Tweak any programs that you think are good but need to be changed/simplified. Then consult with your PTA cohorts and present them with the choice: you either need to (1) decrease the scope of your duties as shown or (2) quit. Set a deadline. See what they say. Document everything in writing (emails are good). And then stand firm and DON’T GIVE IN.
The PTA at my son’s school is OVER THE TOP; I think that probably half (or more) of the events and programs that it sponsors are unnecessary and cause way more stress than they produce in benefits for the school and the students. The PTA wouldn’t have to do so many fundraisers if it didn’t spend so much money on extras to “keep up with the Jones’ school.” Things are out of control.
Good luck!
Comment #24 by AllisonMarch 30th, 2010 at 7:57 amYes.
The PTA president at the local elementary quit. The school was still standing. PTA kept right on going.
And I’ve always really admired this woman. Before and after.
Comment #25 by AhnaMarch 30th, 2010 at 8:07 amI’m somewhat of an expert in this arena (the arena of quitting, that is, not volunteering at schools). From piano lessons to Atkins, and sugar fasting to Pilates, I say I’m a better person because of it. Fatter, but better.
Comment #26 by VernMarch 30th, 2010 at 8:07 amIf you do decide to stick it out, at least change your outlook. It shouldn’t matter at all how many people you personally know. Your job should be to just make it really easy for the people who want to be involved to be involved. They’re out there.
Set a date for a meeting. Write a letter with the open positions and other important PTA info and ask the school to send it home with each kid. Let people know that if they can’t attend the meeting they should email you.
Set up an email account just for PTA and include that in your note. Then you don’t have to filter those messages out of your regular inbox.
Show up for the meeting. Ask people to sign up for the open positions.
Then let people do their jobs. If not all the positions are filled, let it go. Don’t spend any time thinking about it. If you really want, every so often, send out a notice with any open positions. If people contact you, great. If not, who cares?
I found being president of a similar organization much much easier on my psyche and personal life and stress level than the previous year of fundraising.
Comment #27 by AhnaMarch 30th, 2010 at 8:18 amTo me:
It is okay to quit.
It is not okay to leave people high and dry.
If quitting seems necessary, then you have to deal with the sticky mess of helping them get rearranged/organized/staffed for the next year.
That’s my take.
Comment #28 by EmMarch 30th, 2010 at 10:35 amShort answer: Yes, it’s okay to quit.
Long answer: I’ve done my share of quitting, and I’ve also stuck it out. I’ve never regretted sticking it out, but I have regretted quitting. That being said, a couple of times, quitting was the perfect choice for the situation. Only you know your abilities and your family’s needs. I always think of Pres. Hinckley’s admonition to do our VERY best. I know when I’m doing my very best, and when I’m not. We all do.
Comment #29 by DeannaMarch 30th, 2010 at 11:03 amI will try to respond the best I can:
Wiz: PTA is much like a stake — we have a PTA Council Pres and she has councilors/reps assigned to the different schools, much like wards/branches. I have a great relationship with our PTA rep and I plan on talking to her in detail about all my issues/concerns. In addition to my own reluctance is the fact that we are actively looking for a new job (not like there are any new jobs out there!) The likelyhood of us moving is slim, but my husband is pursing other opportunities. So, I want to make her aware of that as well.
Ultimate consequences: I think that is why this is SO HARD. If I didn’t care a flip about the consequences (who else would take my place, etc.) I would send them an email and be done with it. But I do care about our school/PTA/teachers/parents/fallout. Another reason why this is so hard is I’m generally not a quiter. The huge “quits” in my life I can count on 1 hand — and they’ve all been the right choice (leaving BYU after my freshman year being one of them and leaving my YWs calling when I found out my son had a potential life threatening birth defect).
Someone mentioned a LAW: acutally — we do have it in our by-laws that says there is a Pres-elect who becomes Pres. If I stay, I think that change should be my 1st order of business!
Another issue is expecations of the pres: our current pres LIVES at the school. I can’t do that — so like Ahna and Allison said — I need to be up front at the beginning that I will be a TOTALLY different PTA president from the past.
Comment #30 by Melissa McMarch 30th, 2010 at 12:01 pmMake the decision - be sure this is the decision you want - then pray, tell HIM what and why, then see how you feel…don’t ask WHICH ONE DO I CHOOSE, just choose. And if you feel so strongly about it - then YES, quit. You aren’t doing anyone a bit of good just filling a spot someone else thinks you need to be in - this goes for church callings too…..YOU and HF are the only ones who know what it right for you. Decide - then stick with it!
Comment #31 by JenMarch 30th, 2010 at 2:19 pmHoney, it’s the PTA. It’s not like you’re the Governor of Alaska.
Comment #32 by CelesteMarch 30th, 2010 at 3:04 pmYes, of course it’s okay to quit.
BUT…
From your response, it sounds like there are other options available to you (discussing frankly your issues with your committee before making a decision, making them aware of your life circumstances and the differences btwn you and the previous pres). Is it in the by-laws that there can be a co-president?
Quit the PTA if you need to for your mental health and the health of your family, by all means. Only you can know what’s right for you and your family. But my real concern, and the only reason I’m commenting, is that I hope that readers of this blog don’t use this thread to rationalize quitting callings, not accepting callings, or not showing up when the Lord has asked them to.
I personally think that we (yes, here comes a broad generalization about Mormons which may or may not apply to you and Mormons you know) give ourselves way too many cop outs. I have served recently in a leadership position in church and was SHOCKED at how ‘hard’ peoples lives were, such that they couldn’t even show up to nursery with a five minute lesson prepared and a hug for the children. Yes, I’m judging others. Bring on your righteous damnation of me. I don’t understand how people can think that their lives are that much different than mine, when outwardly (and in some cases, inwardly) it isn’t. And some of these people I know very well. You might say I am uncompassionate, or I don’t know how these people are feeling, but realize that you are judging me just as I am them if that is how you feel. I have served in many callings that have drained me to my core, but I never walked away until I was released. This doesn’t make me better than those who have, just don’t assume I don’t understand what these people are going through. I do. I’ve been there. I will say that this situation has been exponentially worse in the area we are living in currently, and have never seen this level of lack of commitment everywhere we have lived.
Like I said, my comment really isn’t about you and the PTA. I just hope that other readers don’t read this and assume that their level of stress is equal to yours and as such, they feel validated in quitting something that they shouldn’t. I disagree with Jen, callings in the church are not just about YOU and Heavenly Father. They are about those who you are called to have stewardship over, they are about those you will help in your service (auxillary leadership, for example), and they are about your bishop, whom you sustain, getting support in the area he needs you.
And cue the angry mormon mob of mommy bloggers….
Comment #33 by KerryMarch 30th, 2010 at 3:53 pmI once asked if it was ok to quit. The answer I got was YES, via Jer 1:8.
“Be not afraid of their faces.”
Comment #34 by guinevereMarch 30th, 2010 at 5:27 pmMelissa, good luck with making your decision. It can be so hard to quit, but there are times when it is the right thing.
Comment #35 by Tiffany WMarch 30th, 2010 at 5:43 pmI’ve already commented, but I HAVE to say two more things:
“It’s not like you’re the governor of Alaska” by Celeste was super funny!!!
Also, I love how the people who post and comment on this blog write properly. It’s a tiny pet peeve for me that college-educated adults can’t seem to use proper grammar. But on here, I don’t find myself cringing. AND people use “big” words and use them well.
Love it!
Comment #36 by LindseyMarch 31st, 2010 at 1:42 pmNo, it’s never okay to quit. It is, however, okay to resign.
Comment #37 by SilverRainMarch 31st, 2010 at 1:52 pmI love Allison’s comment. Explain, “This is what I can reasonably do.You can either pick up the slack, lower expectations, or find someone else.” Remember that everyone you are addressing had the same opportunity to volunteer for the job, but looked at their own lives and put their sanity first.
Comment #38 by TaraApril 1st, 2010 at 6:58 amThere’s a reason they make it a 2-year commitment: No one would voluntarily stay that second year.
“Be the change you want to see.”
If you DO decide to stay, you will have more-than-fulfilled the PTA square. I’ve been there (MANY years ago) and after finishing, never got involved again. I was always up front and said “Been there, done that, not going back.” There are many more productive ways to help your child’s school, and be involved.
Comment #39 by LauraApril 2nd, 2010 at 11:26 amOf course it’s ok to quit. It may not be popular, but if it’s affecting your family, then you should step down. And it sounds like if you are stressed to the max then it’s affecting your family.
Comment #40 by AubreyApril 2nd, 2010 at 7:18 pmAnd I don’t know who it was who compared it to quitting a church calling from a priesthood leader, but there is a world of difference between the two.
Resign for sure. Read the talk, Good, Better, Best with a prayerful heart. You’ll find your answer.
Comment #41 by amyApril 5th, 2010 at 8:15 pmIf you decide to leave the PTA you will feel better if you leave it FOR something else. Simply leaving will feel like a failure. Leaving it in order to pursue something else (at home or with your children or whatever else is important to you), with a plan for starting that undertaking in place, is psychologically and spiritually much more healthy.
So, decide what good, worthwhile things you want to do instead of the PTA, plan how you will begin those things, and then make the switch.
And yes. If possible, when you leave, leave responsibly: Put together as much as you can so that the organization is handed back to itself with things in place for a smooth transition and is given some good ideas for how to replace you. And give some notice when you’ve got things ready to hand off and can thereby leave those who are left with a sense of being somewhat supported instead of totally abandoned. Leaving things in the lurch creates more bad feelings.
Comment #42 by mbApril 7th, 2010 at 5:02 pm