Hi it’s me again. I know what you’re thinking… “whatserwho?”. My posting has definitely been sporadic over the years and I’m not sure whether or not to apologize for that or say you’re welcome.
Anyway, the latest in the bowl of oatmeal that is my life is this pregnancy. You can read more about it here and here. To sum up, yes I am still pregnant. According to the calculations and measurements, I am now about 16 weeks along. Which means it has been about 13 weeks since I last felt normal. I still haven’t “told” but the closest of my friends and relations. And I’m still not even completely convinced it is happening even though I am expanding and fruiting out.
I’m big enough that almost nothing in my closet fits. Which brings me to this morning’s online activity: looking for some maternity clothes that don’t make me gag. The last time I was this pregnant was the Fall/Winter of 2004 so very few of my previous maternity clothes will work (both for seasonal and …a-hem… “expansional” reasons). So I was clicking along, found a few things that might work, and thought I’d better check the “size chart” to see where on the spectrum I’d fall. I must’ve clicked one too many times because somehow I landed on this page: http://www.target.com/b/ref=br_bx_7/191-8506411-7143954?ie=UTF8&node=13674341 Ladies -and Ray- this is as bad (or worse) as the maternity polo shirt I had last go around that I got home to discover had an embroidered WHALE for the logo on the chest (it wasn’t until I stopped crying hours later that I realized the whale was not a sick joke exclusive to just the maternity line at Old Navy that year). A big thank you to Target.com for the helpful hints. I think now I’ll just head over to the sporting goods store to concoct my own maternity wear. I believe this will be especially helpful information: “A good rule of thumb is to buy one size larger. It will be heavier to carry when you’re backpacking, but you’ll have room to spread out and store your gear.” And Lord knows I will be spreading out, packing a back, and needing to store my gear. Oh my poor, poor gear. Anyway, I closed the computer, had a cry, tried to hold my head high, and headed for a snack.
Speaking of crying, I’m not normally much of an emoter (not sure if that’s a word, but since I’m feeling huge and vulnerable I’ve decided I don’t care). Not too many people have seen me cry. In fact, I was once accused by a more emotional friend -who was in a fit of emotion at the time and bemoaning the fact that I was not as visibly moved by the situation as she was- of being “like an ice cube”. Ouch. So anyway, last weekend Mr. Bucket and I went to a movie. Rare occurrence, unfortunately but luckily it was delightful and a serious gut buster. Good times. But once I started laughing I couldn’t STOP. It was like funeral or church laughter where you know you need to stop but you just can’t. And then in a panic from feeling unable to stop laughing I started crying. Like ugly-face sob crying. It is a good thing movie theaters are so dark and loud because I went through at least 5 or 6 greasy napkins wiping those laugh/cry tears and snot from my face. It was like someone hooked me via jumper cable to pure emotion for two hours. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once. I left the movie theater exhausted. And I’m pretty sure my husband felt the same way, but maybe mostly terrified.
So there you have it. A glimpse into my roller coaster of pregnancy hormones. Nobody can do anything right - even if they’re doing just what I asked because by the time they’ve done it I’ve changed my mind. I can burst into rage and hysterics and the most profound sadness all within a minute. At times I feel out of control and it’s like I’m a monster and a most pitiful cliché all rolled into one.
And I’m not even half way done.
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