Hi there. I’m sure many of have been DYING (big eye roll) to know the status of my little “situation” so I figured I’d throw you a bone and give an update. Since my last related post, I’ve had several screening tests, two more appointments with my midwife, one appointment with a cardiologist, an echocardiogram, “the” ultrasound, an amniocentesis, and some bed rest (my uterus did not take well to being invaded by a long sharp object). All in all it could have been much worse, but nonetheless it has been a trying and long eight weeks.
Just want to interrupt myself to acknowledge and apologize for my seemingly complete inability to edit and punctuate. Like at all. I know that it can be a major pet peeve for people and that reading writing like mine can make you want to carve your eyes out with something dull. Maybe someday I’ll take a class or read a book or something. Meanwhile you can click on out if you need to.
So anyway, the ultrasound tech said she thought it looked like a little lady growing inside of me, and the amnio confirmed it (having a girl after five years with a boy is another post altogether - I’m carrying the eggs of my GRANDCHIDREN for crying out loud- whoah). The amnio showed that the chromosomes are all there and in the right numbers. I even requested a copy of the karyogram to take home and frame. They thought that was a little curious, but I mean how many people get to SEE their chromosomes? Wicked cool.
Now that you’re updated on the nuts and bolts…
Today, at 25 weeks, I finally allowed myself to buy some little girl stuff. But somehow this feels akin to Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump shouting at God from the mast of his listing ship to produce a REAL storm (and yes I remember that Lieutenant Dan made peace with God in the end, it gives me a glimmer of hope). I’m feeling incredibly superstitious. And now that I’ve allowed myself to grin at and purchase some miniature Mary Jane’s, I feel like I’m just asking for something to go wrong and then having to gift them to someone else or return them in tears and not get to see them on my child. And would I be able to gift them or am I even too superstitious to do that? After all, I had a friend who was given a stuffed bunny that had been intended for a fetus that did not survive and shortly after that my friend had a miscarriage and we promptly referred to it as the “cursed bunny” and threw it out. And it felt GOOD to chuck the bunny. Almost cleansing. Are any of you like this? Or are you able to go out and stock up on baby stuff early on and not feel like you’re tempting fate or jinxing something?
I have faith in God and in Jesus Christ - be it imperfect and a work in progress - to give me the strength I need to get through whatever comes my way, yet I somehow still feel the tugs of some kind of causal relationship between looking forward to something/ getting excited about it and having it yanked away so that I can end up with more “character” or “resilience” or “patience” or “empathy” in the end. I want God to be the kind of God who doesn’t play that way, but …
So anyway, when I read about faith casting out fear and I hear people talk about being able to always be optimistic because of their faith, I shrink a little. I feel so immature when I ponder this particular deficiency of mine. I feel like a young child (A 35 year old young child - really, self?) that can only be satisfied or at peace when she gets WHAT she wants WHEN she wants it. My pondering then turns to more anxiety because oh, great - I STILL haven’t learned this lesson and so it will repeat itself until I do so just put up the lightning rod now.
Sigh. Is anyone else out there pessimistic/superstitious like this? Oh, and all of you “learned optimism” type folks, I’d appreciate a few tips about now. But be gentle. I don’t see my therapist THAT often anymore.
WordPress database error: [Can't open file: 'wp_comments.MYI' (errno: 144)]
SELECT * FROM wp_comments WHERE comment_post_ID = '2206' AND comment_approved = '1' ORDER BY comment_date