I’ve got a little arts and crafts project for you. Stay with me, we’re getting there in a round about way. Okay, now let’s head to the market. You’re going to need a jar of Nutella, some ground beef, a turquoise blue sharpie, two honeydue melons (get ‘em good and big) and a bottle of cold water. You qualify for the express lane, I’ll see you when you get home.
Alrighty then. Take a ping-pong to golfball-sized glob of ground beef and make two little sombrero shapes about 2 inches across the brim. Then hand me the bottle of water, I’m really thirsty these days. Now take the melons and draw some river-on-a-map looking blue lines all over them and heat them to approximately 100 degrees F. Whoah those babies are hot and heavy, aren’t they? Okay now for the finale. Slap a beef sombrero on each melon and now you have a fairly realistic artistic representation of my breasts this past week. Oh, and the Nutella is just because we’re out and I’ve had a craving. Thanks, you’re a gem.
I remember my milk coming in with my first child, Kiddo. It was no unimpressive event then, either. Even with five years of memory fade it’s still scorched into the recesses of my mind never to be underestimated or forgotten. From what I understand, not all women experience such a dramatic arrival of the magic white stuff. To them I say good on ‘ya. Glad that’s how it went for you. For me it is like 0-80 in three seconds. Soft and pillowy to rock hard and throbbing in a matter of hours. My girls are ample to begin with but when the goods arrive it’s like a reeeeaaaaalllllly bad over-done boob job for a D movie actress - you know the one, the one where you say to yourself, “what doctor would DO that to someone?”
Anyway, since I haven’t slept much lately the reason for writing all of this has completely slipped my mind, but apparently at one point I felt like sharing. The good news is my breasts are feeling better today than they were yesterday. Thanks to the cool cabbage leaves, the nippie cream the lactation center prescribed (picked it up from the compounding pharmacy), and the knowledge that super engorgement can’t last forever I am trying to be a trooper and embrace my mammalhood. And yes, mammalhood is now a word. ? Because MAMA SAID SO!
So if there are any other sore sisters out there, let us unite in solidarity. We will feel better soon and this too shall last but a moment. Ok now where’s my nipple cream…
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