By The Wiz
My friend recently shared a link on fb - all about how to shave calories and fat on Thanksgiving. I read it, thinking it would have good advice on how to cut the fat in mashed potatoes, or possibly cut the sugar in the pies. You know what it said? Don’t eat cinnamon rolls for breakfast - have oatmeal instead. It also told you how many calories you saved if you avoided the egg nog as a snack before the big meal. Seriously - this was the advice. (It also made the brilliant deduction that if you filled your plate for seconds, you would eat, oh, roughly twice as much.)
Skip the cinnamon rolls and egg nog? What insight!! The fact that neither of those have a whole lot to do with the traditional Thanksgiving meal didn’t seem to register, but hey, skipping them sure saves calories.
Articles on how to save money before Christmas are also becoming popular. My personal favorite told me to cut out “unnecessary magazine subscriptions” before Christmas, saving me roughly $50/month. There are people out there spending $50 on magazine subscriptions? And these people need to budget for Christmas? Plus, last I checked, (and I’ll admit it’s been a while, since I don’t have a whole lot of magazines showing up) you couldn’t cancel your subscription mid-year. This is why they make you sign up for years at a time.
I also love the advice telling me that if I “eat in” once a week instead of going out, I could save hundreds - in fact, they often give a specific number (that article said $350.) Well, yeah. But see, I already eat in, because I can’t afford to take my entire family out multiple times every week, or even really once every single week, so shaving “only” once a week off of all that imaginary restaurant dining isn’t going to add real money to my Christmas budget. Just imaginary money, which isn’t all that helpful, really.
People are writing crap like this, and getting PAID for it, and other people are reading it! I should write a bunch of these, and send them in to various publications to get my Christmas money. Here goes:
How to cut calories:
Next time you’re at McDonald’s, instead of ordering 3 Quarter Pounders with cheese, order one Big Mac. This will save you 1200 calories! Think of the weight loss! Better yet, eat that Big Mac instead of 3 large Triple Thick shakes, and you just shaved off 3000 calories! Good for you!
If you eat 10 Little Debbie Oatmeal creme pies instead of 20, you just saved 1700 calories. Awesome.
I could do this all day.
How to save money:
Instead of buying that Bentley, get a Mercedes instead. This will save tens, possibly hundreds, of thousands off your initial cost, plus maintenance and insurance will be cheaper too.
Instead of spending $4 million on a home, try finding one for 500K to $1 million, depending on where you live. I just saved you over $3 million by Christmas.
Or, if you’re not in the market for a new car or house –
Instead of buying that $400 Coach purse, try finding one for $50 at Target or TJMaxx. This will add $350 to your Christmas budget, unless you do it TWICE, then you magically have $700 to stuff into stockings. Plus, if your kid vomits into your purse, the investment lost isn’t too terrible.
You can also save money by not buying clothes for your dog. Does Poochie REALLY need that turkey sweater with the gobble sounds built in? I just saved you roughly $50 that you can put towards Christmas, unless you have, like, 5 dogs, and then I saved you $250!!! Wow! WHAT would you do without me? Overspend on crap you don’t need, that’s what.
This article just showed you how you can save anywhere from $50 to several million dollars, all by December 25th! Plus, you’ll be super fit by skipping all those calories.
So there you go. I can troll restaurant nutritional info just as well as anybody else, or make up stuff like “Ditch the cable” just as easily as anybody else. Why aren’t people paying me to do it? And WHY doesn’t anybody give me tips I can actually USE?
But hey, every time I eat eggs or oatmeal instead of cinnamon rolls, I will pat myself on the back. Because wow, the savings.
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