By Tracy M

1. I’m not out there in the dating game myself, but I can only imagine (being a 33 yr old mother of 4) how completely insane it must be. And can I just say, regarding the “jazz hands” picture - is this supposed to be LDS? I’m pretty sure I see 3 tummies hanging out of shirts there…..

   Comment #1 by Lisa PetersonFebruary 16th, 2011 at 1:30 am

2. Good luck! My sister dated some real weirdos from ldssingles.com, but now she’s very happily remarried and they have a Brady Bunch.

   I was going to say that picture looks scary bec I only see one? Guy.

   Comment #2 by ShannonFebruary 16th, 2011 at 5:55 am

3. I can’t relate to your situation personally, but I know it must be tough because I just watched my dad go through it. But last year he met my now-step-mom on LDS Singles - he’s a 50-something divorced dad, and she’s a 50-something divorced mom. They are so compatible and happy together.

   I have two good friends whose dads (one divorced and one widowed) both met their current wives (who are both really wonderful) on LDS Singles.

   So don’t let that picture scare you off! There are some really nice guys to be found on those LDS sites.

   And most of all, good luck!!

   Comment #3 by Mrs. PottsFebruary 16th, 2011 at 6:19 am

4. LDS Singles is what I tried last time, when I got the 81 year old guy who emailed me. On the LDS site, almost all the men who contacted me were in their 50’s or even older- it freaked me out. I think the men in my actual demographic were fishing in the younger pools- mostly because with the disparity in the amount of men vs. women available, they can.

   Comment #4 by Tracy MFebruary 16th, 2011 at 7:20 am

5. Those sites are totally sick with really weird men. Well…all of them are. Having tried them a couple of times, I gave it up as well as the silly single firesides in which you find out that married men and perverts attend also. Being single isn’t a curse in the church…but it isn’t a great blessing either. The church is for eternally married people and families. That’s it. The stigma of being single and especially a divorced single is still ever so strong in the church. I guess the thing to do is get it right the first time, but I wasn’t smart enough to do that.

   Comment #5 by AnonFebruary 16th, 2011 at 7:43 am

6. I hated the whole being attractive to others part of dating because I could never figure out what guys were looking for, well I knew what some guys wanted but I wasn’t going down that fork in the road.

   Unless the age is really a major concern, don’t completely count out the guys in their 50s. I’m your age, DH is early fifties. He looks a decade younger, is in great physical shape, and leads a very active outdoors based life.

   Comment #6 by JCFebruary 16th, 2011 at 7:57 am

7. I wouldn’t rule out a guy in his 50’s just based on that alone- but most LDS guys in that decade are grandpas already, and I still have a 4 year-old. That puts us at very different places in life, and creates a big divide in expectations.

   But I do have to say, a man close to my dad’s age (60) does in fact freak me out. I just cannot date someone who would be one of my dad’s classmates. Can’t do it.

   Comment #7 by Tracy MFebruary 16th, 2011 at 8:02 am

8. My problem as a 32 year old is that the 50 year olds DON’T completely count themselves out of my age range. That’s my father’s generation.

   Seriously, who needs marriage?

   Comment #8 by SilverRainFebruary 16th, 2011 at 8:14 am

9. Hah! Great minds think alike.

   Comment #9 by SilverRainFebruary 16th, 2011 at 8:15 am

10. Tracy, are you in the SLC area? We totally need to get together and swap horror stories. My four year old can play with yours.

    Comment #10 by SilverRainFebruary 16th, 2011 at 8:16 am

11. I’m in Washington state- wish we could get together though- that would be fun!

    Comment #11 by Tracy MFebruary 16th, 2011 at 8:22 am

12. I’m in Washington too, Tracy! Who knew? Been there with the dating thing, but I didn’t have kids with my ex so that made it easier in some respects. I just had to remind everyone I was dating that I was out to get to know them and have a good time…not get married in a week.

    Comment #12 by KamiFebruary 16th, 2011 at 9:12 am

13. This isn’t directly on topic but it seems as good a place as any to share my problem. I’m a 29 year old divorced father of one. And I feel like I’m actually handicapped if I date in the church but an incredible catch if I date outside the church. All the things that make me good for one make it tougher in the other. I have a career, I’m a great and loving father, I have some life experience and I’m living on my own.

    So I go the singles ward and I’m too old, too committed, not in college, looking for something more solid than speed dating with 18-22 years olds.(That was a real activity three weeks ago) But then I date outside the church and I’m too conservative in my sexual relations, I’m too religious, and in some cases I think I’m too immature because my last dating experience was as a 24 year old college student in an LDS singles ward.

    So I think understand your dilemma. And I can really relate to yours and silverrains challenges. Oh, and I have been on LDSsingles and don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t want phone sex, I don’t think I come across as creepy, and I live on my own, have a steady well paying job, no major sins, no third nipple, or whatever else would make you weird. And I payed 20 a month to have people in my age range ignore my messages.

    Comment #13 by Morgan D.February 16th, 2011 at 9:24 am

14. Morgan—I hear you. After trying online dating, I’ve developed an antipathy for LDS dating sites. There’s something wrong about having to pay a monthly fee to “meet” people who cross you off their list for who-knows-what without even letting you know they’re doing it.

    Of course, I’m a bit of a hypocrite, because I don’t answer 50+ people who message me. Or people who proposition me when my bio clearly states that I’m not interested in that. I did at first, but it only encouraged them. If they can’t figure out why I’m not interested, I’m not going to worry about it.

    Comment #14 by SilverRainFebruary 16th, 2011 at 9:38 am

15. Yeah Morgan, thanks for chiming in- its good to hear from a man’s point of view. It sounds like we’re caught in similar, parallel bubbles- both on the edges of our demographic. I wouldn’t want to speed date 18-22 year-olds any more than I would want to 55+ guys.

    I share your position on dating outside the church too- I know I’m a catch- I’m very liberal and open in an LDS framework, but in non-mormon world, I’m conservative and won’t hop into bed with a guy after a few dates. Rock, meet hard place.

    Best of luck to you on your journey.

    Comment #15 by Tracy MFebruary 16th, 2011 at 9:45 am

16. Sometimes I have nightmares that I’m single again. I hated being single, and I married YOUNG. (almost 21) I have single friends, though, both in and out of the church, and they share your dilemmas. I wish I could say they had solutions, but…nope. Your comment about men fishing in the younger pools because they can is completely spot-on. Good luck!

    Comment #16 by The WizFebruary 16th, 2011 at 10:19 am

17. Years ago I worked in our ward nursery with a divorced single mom. We live in a VERY small town so her pool of potentials was small and geographically spread out very far. Some people in the ward gave her a hard time when she decided to go to a non LDS dating site, and gave her an even harder time when she went on dates with non members. I remember talking with her while the kids played one Sunday and she said, with tears in her eyes, that all she wanted was to be loved and to have someone to love. I cried too. It’s not too much to ask. And she deserved it. Everyone deserves that.

    Last year she married a non member, but he was SO much more stable and normal than any of the LDS guys she dated. She is so happy and loved and still very active in the church. And I’m happy for her. Is it ideal? No. But I have to believe that the Lord will work this one out for her somehow eventually.

    Comment #17 by CarrieFebruary 16th, 2011 at 10:29 am

18. I have a question. When I read about newly divorced mormon bloggers going out into the dating world it comes off as way too soon. Is it just me? Do I have a skewed perception of things? (I realize you have been divorced a year but I recall you first mentioning the idea of dating before the divorce was final).
    I had a friend who was getting divorced and suddenly she was dating someone yet still couldn’t quite manage getting officially divorced. To be fair, she was no longer in the church so her idea of chastity was different. Yet it seemed like perhaps her need to be “with someone” had caused her previous two marriages that ended badly.
    Is it just different dating styles? When I was single I was usually not dating someone. I had a few friends who did always seem to be part of a couple. (My husband was one of these types). Seems odd to me I guess.
    So when I imagine the possibility of getting divorced or widowed, I seriously think that I would remain single (considering my age and my children). I could be happy being single.
    I would like to understand better so I don’t feel guilty being all “judgey” about this situation. What makes me uncomfortable I guess is the idea that people getting divorced are thinking “There has got to be someone better out there” versus people choosing divorce because they think “I am better off alone than in this marriage.”
    And in the aftermath of a divorce it seems like someone’s energy is probably better spent in other ways. Is it really the time to invest in a new relationship? Especially when you have children?
    (I also feel judgey about widowers getting remarried too quickly–but I’m not really interested in that discussion at the moment. There was recently one on fmh about that).

    Comment #18 by jksFebruary 16th, 2011 at 10:34 am

19. JKS, I most certainly did NOT even consider dating before my divorce was final. Not by a longshot. I my divorce has been final for more than a year, and I put my profile up at LDS Singles last October.

    I’ve been legally single for 18 months. And my marriage was dead for 4 years before it was final. I’m very far down the healing path, and have processed and dealt with much of the baggage from my divorce.

    I didn’t leave my husband because I wanted something better. I left because he abdicated in every possible way his obligations to me and his children.

    Comment #19 by Tracy MFebruary 16th, 2011 at 10:42 am

20. I can absolutely attest to the fact that Tracy divorced because she knew “I am better off alone than in this marriage.”

    Comment #20 by The WizFebruary 16th, 2011 at 10:54 am

21. Oh good luck!!!

    Comment #21 by EmilyFebruary 16th, 2011 at 10:59 am

22. jks, perhaps you meant well, but yes, your comment is terribly “judgey.” Jaw droppingly judgey. It is unbelievable how many assumptions you had to make in order to post that. When Tracy decides to date is no one’s business but her own. Not surprisingly, she happens to be an expert on her own life–you’re not.

    Comment #22 by Karen H.February 16th, 2011 at 11:17 am

23. I went to a singles dance only days after my divorce was final (which took a year after he left me). It wasn’t because I wanted someone, but because I am so completely, thoroughly happy and content being alone that I don’t want to close myself off to the possibility of marrying again.

    The thought of being married again makes my stomach slightly queasy. I’m hoping that IF there’s a man worth marrying out there, and IF he wants to marry me, and IF I can even find him in the first place, my attitude will change. But even if all three of those ifs are met (which is extremely unlikely), it won’t happen if my mind isn’t in the right frame.

    And dating in the sense of getting out and meeting people (not in the sense of dating exclusively) is part of the healing process from divorce. You can’t completely heal, I think, until you work through that.

    Comment #23 by SilverRainFebruary 16th, 2011 at 11:32 am

24. There’s no real “time-table” regarding that sort of thing. Everyone is different. Some people would never remarry, others might date after five years or so, others might date after a few months. It all depends on each individual circumstance which has so many factors that nobody can really determine when it’s officially “time” other than the person going through it.

    Comment #24 by KamiFebruary 16th, 2011 at 11:34 am

25. Tracy M, I didn’t mean to say you considered going out on a date before the divorce was final, just that you chimed in on a post about dating in the future since you were soon to be single.

    Karen, of course it sounds judgy. I even said I feel judgy. I don’t want to be judgy so I thought I’d open up a dialogue about it. The fact that Tracy blogs publicly means that she is open about discussing her thoughts, feelings and decisions (at least to some extent).

    So what I guess I’m wondering is why is it that when I think about suddenly being single again, I think that there is no way there could be a guy that I would want to invite into my children’s lives as a stepfather. I mean maybe I could, but what guy would I trust like that? And as a married person I feel like my marriage relationship takes up time and energy but maybe I don’t realize what I get from it that I would miss so desperately that I would risk dating potential losers and just being a mom and kids and friends would be really lonely or something? I don’t know.
    My husband did have cancer so I have considered widowhood. We had some tough times earlier so while divorce didn’t seem likely I couldn’t guarantee.
    Is being a mom and kids and friends really lonely without a husband?
    I obviously think stepparenthood sounds pretty not ideal. I view it as feeling torn between husband and children. Like we wouldn’t agree on how to love my children and raise them. In my situation being a good wife and good mother all work together. There is no tension between them.
    For instance, having a child with a learning disability was hard to be on the same page about in my marriage at first. However, at least I know now that we would both do anything to help him.

    Comment #25 by jksFebruary 16th, 2011 at 11:44 am

26. Thank you SilverRain. What you said makes sense. I am translating that as even though it seems like a remote possibility finding someone to marry that you would feel comfortable trusting with your life and your children, you think it is healthy to attempt to participate to some extent in normal social events and meeting single people.

    Comment #26 by jksFebruary 16th, 2011 at 11:51 am

27. Yup, I’m a blogger, and I accept what I put out there is for public consumption. Discourse can be had.

    Before I was a mother, I was a human being and a daughter of God. We are told that it is not good for us to be alone. Some of us are fine being alone- and I am frankly one of them. I would happily spent the rest of my life single before I would get into another bad, dangerous marriage.

    Regarding exposing my children to the dangers of my dating (which is exactly what you are alluding to) I call bs. Everything we do exposes us to new people and ideas. I am not now, nor will I ever, invite some guy over to hang out with my kids. As a matter of fact, in the event I do eventually meet someone that has potential, meeting my kids will not take place until I’m reasonably certain he’s marriage material.

    There is nothing whatsoever desperate or wrong about a woman wanting adult companionship and being open to it responsibly. I refuse to be anyone’s object lesson in suffering quietly for the rest of my life.

    Comment #27 by Tracy MFebruary 16th, 2011 at 11:56 am

28. I do not expect to remarry should I become widowed or divorced, because I think it is a miracle that I managed to get married once. I don’t think I could pull it off twice. As it happens, I enjoy being alone. However, even I would expect to get lonely under such circumstances. But we all have different needs for companionship.

    Comment #28 by madhousewifeFebruary 16th, 2011 at 12:07 pm

29. See…I think that in the impossible event I find myself without a husband, I imagine I would do something crazy like move to Australia and fall in love with some guy on his gorgeous accent alone. ;P (Just keeping it fun)

    Comment #29 by KamiFebruary 16th, 2011 at 12:10 pm

30. For me, dating’s not about loneliness. I think that’s where widow/ers and married people get confused. Does it get lonely? Sure, at times. But my marriage was far lonelier.

    It’s about knowing that “it is not good that (wo)man should be alone” and keeping a heart open and mind willing to submit to the will of the Lord, whatever it may be.

    Comment #30 by SilverRainFebruary 16th, 2011 at 12:16 pm

31. Amen, Silver Rain! I was far lonelier in a bad marriage than I am now. Keeping my heart open to life and showing my kids that mama is a whole, complete and loving person whose life does not entirely revolve around them.

    Comment #31 by Tracy MFebruary 16th, 2011 at 12:20 pm

32. Two comments:
    1- I have a three friends who were divorced/widowed, and they all met their current spouses at Singles Temple Nights. The temple district was fairly large. They all seem very happy.

    2- My mom remarried when I was five, and I am so thankful. My Daddy is one of the best parts of my life. He is the sweetest, kindest man. My real father was pretty useless, so, having my Daddy really helped me especially through high school. Also, my mom didn’t introduce us to him until she was pretty sure that she was “going to keep him.” She jokes that he then asked her to marry him because he was so in love with us.

    Good luck, Tracy. I’m sure there is an amazing man somewhere for you.

    Comment #32 by AmandaRFebruary 16th, 2011 at 12:58 pm

33. Exactly, Tracy. Except, my life pretty much does revolve around my kids. Kind of has to with an 18 mo., a 4 year old and a parent-time schedule.

    For a perfect example, the temple nights Amanda mentions in this area are always scheduled weekdays and weekends I have my kids. That is one source of endless frustration. The activities I actually WANT to attend, I can’t without neglecting my kids in the little time I have with them.

    Comment #33 by SilverRainFebruary 16th, 2011 at 1:13 pm

34. Best wishes, Tracy! You deserve to meet some great guys and have some great relationships! I hope you find some dating successes very soon!

    Comment #34 by StrollerbladerFebruary 16th, 2011 at 1:34 pm

35. As one who was also in a crappy marriage, I must say that divorce is not something that “suddenly happens”. My marriage was about 4 and a half years, but the last year of that I spent thinking about divorce and preparing myself for it. Like Tracy said, I had long since processed it and moved on by the time the papers were signed. For me personally, I was calling the court every day to find out when it was finalized. I was ready to date! Of course, I also didn’t have kids, so I could go out that very night. For those with kids a little more planning is required, but there is no reason that they should feel that they have to cloister themselves from others.

    And to the single dad up above, I know what you mean. People looked at me sideways when I mentioned that I was divorced, I can only imagine how much worse it is for a divorced man.

    For what it’s worth, Tracy, there is a cute single guy that attends my ward here in Bellevue. In fact, I think he’s been assigned as our new home teacher. He appears to be in his 30’s.

    Good luck!

    Comment #35 by ErinAnnFebruary 16th, 2011 at 1:48 pm

36. Tracy, thanks for putting yourself out there and discussing this. While I know that I could be perfectly happy if I don’t ever remarry, I know that I could also be perfectly happy remarried. I want what my parents and siblings have. I want someone to grow old with and serve missions with and spoil grandchildren with. It is scary doing the dating thing (or thinking about dating) when you have kids. I’ve watched what it has done to my kids with their dad dating. He was introducing them the his “friends” before he had even filed for divorce. I don’t want to do that to them. I’m with Tracy on that one, I’d have to know that the relationship is getting really serious before I want my kids involved.
    Lucky for me the only singles type group thing in the area here my ex goes to and so I want nothing to do with that.
    So it’s either the dating sites ( which scare me) or move and right now I can’t move. So I guess for the next while it’s going to be neither.

    Comment #36 by dorriFebruary 16th, 2011 at 2:22 pm

37. What part of Washington? Western or Eastern?? Tho’ I think I’m closer to Mo than to you! There is a divorced dad in our ward who would be PERFECT for you, I swear it!! He’s been divorced about as long as you have and He really is the sweetest guy and handsome too! Good job, doesn’t live with his parents, even served in the bishopric when he was married. He has strong moral values and loves his kids. For the life of me I can’t figure out why his wife left him for someone else. Broke my heart to see him so unhappy! So - I guess what I’m sayin’ here is, they ARE out there, they’re just hard to find since they’re embedded onesie/twosies in family wards. I think it’d be really nice if the church kind of divied up the single folk by age bracket Young Singles (under 30) Mid-Singles 30-50 and Sr. Singles 50+, that would really help alot!!!! Good luck!! I’m praying for you to meet just the right guy!

    Comment #37 by SeashellsFebruary 16th, 2011 at 3:02 pm

38. Do you know Mo? email me, Seashells. dandelion.mama@gmail.com

    Comment #38 by Tracy MFebruary 16th, 2011 at 3:07 pm

39. ” Do I have a skewed perception of things? ”

    Sorry … this might come off harsher than I want it to, but I think this is very very important.

    You must let individuals work within their highly individual and difficult circumstances and suspend assumptions. That’s where I put my period.

    My first wife got married the weekend our divorce was final. It was no skin off my teeth, nor anyone else’s. She has now been married (mostly happily) to that same gent for 18 years. I’ve been happy for her happiness, it makes me laugh. He is no better nor worse a man than me, really, though very different. There were people made who that decision uncomfortable for her. She had a hard time attending church for a number of years. They should have kept their moral noses in their own moral business. Mourn with them when they are suffering, and be glad with them when they believe they are doing something that will work out, hope with them. But don’t pretend you know much about the brother or the sister’s inner life. Unless someone is a close friend clearly doing something truly destructive to themselves, or they have explicitly asked you to _form_ an opinion, there isn’t really much need to hold an opinion about other people’s lives. Those opinions we hold about other people’s lives can make their time in the church far more difficult than it needs to be.

    “For the life of me I can’t figure out why his wife left him for someone else.”

    Again, why should you have to figure it out? I’m willing to bet there was a reason, and leave it at that. He may prove to be a wonderful husband for a different kind of woman.

    Comment #39 by semianonymousFebruary 16th, 2011 at 7:58 pm

40. Tracy:

    I’m all for opening oneself up to possibilities — gives God and fate more roads to travel to get to you. While I didn’t anticipate it would be my path, my interfaith marriage is a very happy one.

    Comment #40 by DeborahFebruary 16th, 2011 at 8:10 pm

41. Tracy, I love how well you present issues.

    Comment #41 by ScarehaircareFebruary 16th, 2011 at 9:54 pm

42. I came back to see if you’d responded to my comment, and wow, what an interesting discussion has unfolded. Now I’m wondering if my dad was one of those 50-year-olds who contacted you on LDS Singles (he’s in Washington - weird!!) though I doubt it because I think his current wife is the first and only one he connected with on the site. And he IS a grandpa, so you were right about that. I really can’t fathom the idea of having a 4-year-old step-brother.

    Anyway, what a difficult situation. All of these comments have really educated me. And Carrie’s comment, #17, reminded me of our relief society president, who is an incredibly intelligent, active member of the church, and happily married to an Episcopalian. She just has this incredible faith that everything will work out for them in the end. I really admire her.

    Comment #42 by Mrs. PottsFebruary 17th, 2011 at 7:01 am

43. Nope, I don’t know Mo, sadly, because she just seems like a ton of fun. I read her blog, and yours, and I *feel* like I know you both I just know I’m on the same side of the mountains as she is and that we both live in the general vicinity of Seattle. I’d love to meet you both though!

    Comment #43 by SeashellsFebruary 17th, 2011 at 7:09 am

44. And a note to all single men trying to use online dating sites. DON’T open conversation with a “you’re beautiful” comment. It’s creepy. Even worse when it comes from a 50+ year old to a girl young enough to be his daughter.

    Comment #44 by SilverRainFebruary 17th, 2011 at 9:05 am

45. Good luck to you Tracy! I was divorced at 24 with 2 small boys and no idea how to date. ( I was married at 16) I hated dating - it was terrifying. I tried a lot of dating sites but found that there were just as many mormon guys who wanted to jump into bed after a couple of dates as the non-mormon ones. Some were nice but…well just nice. In my area anyway I realized that most mormon guys who had never been married by 30 were just a bit odd - and had pretty interesting views of what marriage should be lol.

    So anyway long story short -3 years after my divorce I met my non-mormon husband in a bar (I used to go with friends to dance) and that was that. 1 year later we were married - going on 7 years now. You never know what path you will take or what friendships you will find. God bless on your journey.

    Comment #45 by SamanthaFebruary 17th, 2011 at 11:38 am

46. Blessings to you, Tracy! I think opening it up to the nonmembers out there is definitely a great option. There are lots of really nice, great non-LDS guys out there. And, like others have said, I wouldn’t totally close the door to anyone who’s in their early 50’s. I think a stable, nice guy who’s widowed or divorced and older is much, much better than one who’s much less of a person but closer to your age. I think about a 15-year age gap is the most I could imagine entertaining…but still, I think it could work. If you’re a Jane Austen fan, just look at Emma and Mr. Knightley (16-year age gap I believe) and Marianne and Col. Brandon (maybe an 18-year age gap). I know they’re fictional characters, but still if the queen of the best love stories (IMO) considered it possible for two people to love with such an age gap, maybe it is more possible than you’re imagining right now.

    Wishing you the very, very best!

    Comment #46 by mom o' boysFebruary 17th, 2011 at 12:08 pm

47. SilverRain, that’s actually excellent advice (at least per the OK Cupid blog on such things). In addition to never leading with a physical compliment, I remember another one being to use actual standard grammar, not textspeak. There were a couple of other suggestions that I don’t recall offhand, but the physical compliments one made an impression on me, since it seemed so grounded in good, common sense.

    For all the single people commenting here, I hope you find that special someone. I know it’s really, really tough out there, so keep your chins up. I do think being open to dating outside of the church is probably a necessity, especially if your older and not in a heavily Mormon area.

    Comment #47 by Kevin BarneyFebruary 17th, 2011 at 12:09 pm

48. By the way, we have a friend who divorced 2 years ago and then last year was in an airport of all places when a guy started talking to her as they were waiting for their flight. He was at least 10 years older than her, but they ended up falling in love and staying in touch. They just barely married and are starting a new life together. You just really never know what can happen, even when you’re waiting in an airport.

    Comment #48 by mom o' boysFebruary 17th, 2011 at 12:12 pm

49. As a side note, in case you missed the posts — Seraphine did a series on ZD about online dating sites, if you’d like one person’s perspective on the benefits and drawbacks of the different ones. She’s now engaged to a (non-Mormon) guy she met on match.com. He’s pretty great, and they both seem extremely happy. It’s nice to see things like that work out, and I hope they do for you (Tracy, and the rest of you singles on here, too) as well.

    Comment #49 by VadaFebruary 17th, 2011 at 5:26 pm

50. DH’s dad and stepmom found each other, and they’ve been married very happily for decades. They got set up on a blind date by mutual friends. He was only single for a year–she was single for longer. So it can happen. Hang in there!!

    Comment #50 by Heather O.February 17th, 2011 at 6:05 pm

51. I stumbled upon this site–you are a fascinating group! I am not a Mormon and am single, though I am am in a relationship.

    After my last relationship ended, I decided to take a break from having any sort of relationship. I spent time with friends, exercising, reading, and being a good mother, daughter, and friend. I also went out line dancing. I didn’t go to a bar though–I went to a place that teaches lessons then has county-style dancing after the lessons. I was delighted to be there and not one whit interested in meeting anyone. That is evidently the most attractive look of all because every single man there seemed to be interested. It took me a while to figure this out–I just thought it was a very friendly place…lol. I started dating a man I met on my first night there. Will it go someplace? Probably:) My point is that I wasn’t looking; I was happily living life. I think that is probably the best way to meet someone. And, btw, the gentlemen I met during this process WERE gentlemen though not Mormon. Having to please all the people in a church must be very tiring:)

    Comment #51 by NotAMormonFebruary 17th, 2011 at 8:37 pm

52. Notamormon, you’re quite right. It can get very tiring to try to deal with the Judging Jennies and Judging Jerrys. We had a couple in our ward break up their family, and you wouldn’t believe how quickly our ward vilinized the husband. One day he was ‘a great guy’ and the next he was a slimeball. (Even though no one really knew what happened. Ok well, we did, but we certianly weren’t going to talk about it) We stayed neutral, knowing that there are many sides to a story. No one seemed to understand that it simply wasn’t anyone’s business except the couple involved.
    He’s now in a different (kinder) ward in the area, and I heard he’s dating again. :c) All I could think was “Atta boy!”
    What cranks my gears is that I just KNOW if she gets married first everyone is going to congratulate her for being ‘brave’. If he marries first, they’re going to talk about him and nudge each other and go “see? see? he’s horrible!” ::head shake:: Just the same, I hope they both move on and make peace with their choice. Everyone deserves love and comfort.
    For me, I’d be terrified to get back into dating for all the reasons everyone else mentioned. But I hope for my sake and my kids’ sake that I would be brave like Tracy. Go have some fun. Good friends mormon or not are what make this life great. You’ll know what to do.

    Comment #52 by AshleyFebruary 21st, 2011 at 5:19 pm

53. Ashley:) I love your whole post, but the best line is “Everyone deserves love and comfort.” None of us is perfect and even though I am not religious, I think that we should leave judgment to a higher power and keep all unasked opinions to ourselves:)

    Comment #53 by NotAMormonFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 10:25 am

54. I’m a 29 y/o divorced father of two.It hought being single would be great but it has filled me with nothing but frustration. I moved to SLC to be close to my children and have moved a few times since I’ve been here. I’ve contemplated going to a singles ward but I was told I’d probably be too old anyway and going to a family ward, well everyone is married and seems happy. I feel isolated and shut out. Everyone has their perfect little life and family and I am the odd man out. It makes me not want to even go to church anymore. Not that the purpose of going is to socialize but it would be nice to not be ignored. I even stopped going for a while, no one even noticed. Maybe I’m self-centered but as a recent convert I would think somebody would care or call or visit or something not to mention I’m already pretty introverted anyway. It’s hard trying to “choose the right” when you are in my predicament. I have no family or friends here. I work and go to school full time and get my kids every other weekend. What’s a guy to do? I just moved so I’ll go to my new ward today, we’ll see how it goes.

    Comment #54 by JBFebruary 27th, 2011 at 11:21 am

55. Tracy, I love that you are getting back out there. I remember after the last fiasco of an attempt I felt saddened when it ended in frustration so quickly. I am not in that situation and I am sure it is not an easy spot to be in. I am thrilled now that you are giving it another shot. Being a happily married person makes me want it for everyone else
    That being said, I think there is no room for judgements when it comes to someone’s “readiness” to date or get married. Even they are doing something that is completely discordant with gospel standards, it really is just none of our business. Voicing unsolicited advice or allowing judgements to color your thoughts and actions will only cause pain and heartache. Everyone has agency and the actions you can control are your own.
    Wow - getting off that soapbox now …….

    Comment #55 by Domestic DivaFebruary 28th, 2011 at 6:15 pm

56. JB, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. It sounds like you need some moral support and more caring people in your ward. I know without my ward, I couldn’t have survived this. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

    Dom Diva- thanks. I’m going to post an update here soon. I’m still on the website, but thinking of pulling my profile soon. It’s just not working. One thing I HAVE learned is that I do need to date LDS men, and not outside my faith. I know non-LDS people won’t understand that, but after two non-LDS dates, it’s very clear to be where I need to be.

    Comment #56 by Tracy MMarch 2nd, 2011 at 8:42 pm

57. Wow. Won’t tell you how I stumbled on this conversation because the story is too long, but what a long string of very emotionally-laden posts.

    32 and single. And I’ve decided that the best thing I can do is have hope. As the years have past and the elusive dream of having a “someone” has had it’s ups and downs, I find there are some things that are clear to me now.

    First, no one but me knows the road that has brought me here. It isn’t because I am too picky, I’m looking for perfection, or I don’t have enough faith. Second, while I may be “settling” into a life that looks like it revolves around staying single for the near and distant future, I don’t know how else to cope. Keep your opinions to yourself and let me go hang gliding. Or buy myself a new car. I would trade my overseas trip for a husband in a heartbeat. But I don’t get to go home to one of those. So I have a passport. )

    Last, and to me most important, is that all of these years of being by myself have helped me really understand what it will take for me to one day (dream of dreams) be happily married. I’ve seen enough bad relationships and broken homes to want to stay off that path if I can help it. One of those items for me is sharing faith with someone who believes the same fundamental things I do. Whatever those essentials are for someone else, I applaud them for standing up and finding them.

    Comment #57 by SeeJayMarch 6th, 2011 at 11:10 pm

58. 47. It’s really a nice and helpful piece of information. I’m glad that you shared this helpful information with us. Please keep us informed like this. Thanks for sharing.

    Comment #58 by Marquis HickleyApril 13th, 2012 at 4:39 pm

59. So, I stumbled upon this post and so glad I did. I can relate on so many levels to almost all the posts. I am 49 years old. I was married for 18 years. My kids are out on their own now. I’ve been divorced for 7 years. My head spins when I think of how “this is not what I signed up for!” Being a convert, I really expected I would be living the dream and raising my grandkids with my forever husband one day. Shattered. So I came to grips that such is life and suck it up. After 7 years, I finally feel emotionally ready to trust again. Being as old as I am, I’m too old for mid-singles and too young for the geriatrics. I equate the LDS singles dances to be a cross between a nursing home and the bar scene from Star Wars (insert wacky music).
    The facts in my world are these: 1. Older single LDS men are dating in the mid-singles pool, leaving no one in my age demographic. 2. Mid-single women are accepting dates from said guys. 3. When you feel you have to ’settle’ for normal and employed, the realization of having compatibility in financial, emotional, physical, social, and intellectual areas is very disheartening. 4. Being single and an empty-nester can be pretty lonely yet at the same time very liberating.
    Tonight, I venture out to the thing we call a singles dance. I’m hoping to meet some nice friends. If a future husband should happen along, he might as well be one of the 3 Nephites, since none of us have really seen them either. Just saying. lol

    Comment #59 by KatieApril 13th, 2013 at 3:04 pm

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