By Heather O.

1. Gosh, I don’t know. I do think concern for my kids if I was seeing red-flag behavior is different than being curious/jealous/insecure with a spouse.

   What I do know is if you’re looking hard enough for it, you’ll find it, or you’ll actually create it. It’s a slippery slope, and I do think you can still have an expectation of privacy in a marriage. You were an individual before you married, and you are still one after.

   Comment #1 by Tracy MFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 9:51 pm

2. My husband and I have a joint email account as well as separate individual accounts. And we both check all of them periodically. We have nothing to hide from each other (unless there’s a surprise birthday something or other. . . in which case I get irritated at my husband’s nosyness). I think the only time I would really care was if there actually WAS something to hide.

   As for kids, mine aren’t of that age yet. But I would think I’d like to give them privacy for their journal/diary, but if I’m paying for their texting, I get to check them. And I get full privacy access to future facebook accounts (as in, I get to know what their password is so I can check EVERYTHING and delete if necessary).

   Comment #2 by JamieFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 10:42 pm

3. I think each married couple creates their own boundaries for what privacy they need, but it’s important that the boundaries are clearly defined and expressed (and agreed upon). In our marriage we don’t read each other’s mail. We know each other’s email passwords, but don’t use them unless explicitly instructed to. (I’m also a stickler for my privacy when using the bathroom, but that’s a whole different pile of sticks).

   Children though, I think are different. You, as a parent, are legally responsible for your kids until age 18. I think that means you have a responsibility to know about and monitor their behavior. I think letting them know straight up that you will occasionally be poking your head in on their FB and text conversations makes them more prone to making responsible decisions within those spheres. Far too few parents have regular, meaningful conversations with their kids about responsible use of social media anyway. A personal diary could be kept sacred, but anything that involves your child’s interaction with other people, you need to be able to access. (That doesn’t mean you should be vigorously monitoring it all, but your kids need to know that there’s a chance you might see anything they write/communicate).

   There’s two cents from a media arts major.

   Comment #3 by emFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 10:45 pm

4. Brian has a journal and I am a nosey posey so I just ask if I can read. Ok really, I’m super-insecure and I thought maybe he was writing about how much he loved me in his journals. Mostly, no. It’s all spiritual stuff. Bo-RING! So I stopped doing that maybe after year 3, and we’re now on 14!

   That said, I think that one does have a small expectation of privacy between you & your spouse. If you know all the little details, then the mystery is gone!! So like Tracy said, unless there’s a sudden (extreme) change in habits/behaviors, I say leave well enough alone.

   Now when it comes to my kids… it’s open season. With caveats. We’re pretty open with our kids, like, whenever we took them for shots we always said “Ok, this WILL hurt, but it’s quick and it helps keep you healthy.” So the “To peek or not to peek?” situation will probably run the same way.

   I know you can’t see this, but I re-wrote what I want to say next in about 5 different ways, each one of them very wordy. In a nutshell, I don’t think kids should expect any kind of privacy, but it is likely that they will receive it unless they give us cues that they need to be peeked at in all the corners they have previously kept hidden. We may occasionally toss out a “Hey, just FYI, we have not done this yet but sometime we might, just to make sure everything is ok. Because sometimes we need or want help but we don’t know how to ask for it, and this is how we find out.”

   Sometimes I hate the internet. I feel like I have awesome things to say, but it takes too many words and I hate leaving super-long comments!

   Comment #4 by SallyGirlFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 10:45 pm

5. I’m of the “we’re individuals who are married” school, so that means I wouldn’t dare read his emails/private communication and I would be annoyed if he read mine. I like having privacy, it’s a personal thing.

   Children? That’s something different. My kids are too young to keep a journal, but I’m not opposed to reading a journal or checking texts if I felt that I had just cause to worry about their behavior. That’s a parenting line I haven’t had to cross yet, but I definitely consider it an option.

   I have one friend (maybe she’ll comment here!) that does not allow her children to delete text messages. She’ll compare the number of texts the bill says to the texts in the phone and if they don’t match, off with their heads. I like that approach (she doesn’t necessarily have to read the texts, but the kids know there is monitoring in place.)

   Comment #5 by CarinaFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 10:47 pm

6. I assume things are usually private, but if he happens to see anything it is completely ok. For instance my email is always up and if he happens to read something that’s ok. I have his passwords and I might see things of his.
   So we seem to have a mutually agreed idea of giving each other space but also not minding being an open book to each other.

   Comment #6 by jksFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 11:18 pm

7. Both my husband and I respect each other’s privacy, meaning we don’t read mail, etc,. That said, we both know each other passwords so if we had to we could. He has, on occasion, called and asked me to go into his account and retrieve something for him he couldn’t access (his work office is a cement cave) or to clarify something for him (he’s not very visual and can’t imagine what some people are trying to convey). We also have done the same thing with iphones, texts, and the like, not for curiosity, but for convenience. I can’t think of one time he’s had to go into anything of mine, but he has tossed me his phone while he’s driving and asked me to retrieve whatever. just sayin’

   For kids I like the idea of comparing text numbers against the bill, to me that says I’m monitoring, but not personally unless it’s warranted. I would do random photo checks as well.

   We have a friend who’s 13 yr.old son was getting sexts and photos from a 17 yr old gal in another ward… lovely. It got UG-LY. Currently another friend’s daughter is receiving threats and harassment via her phone and FB from an ex boy friend, which she was scared to share with mom. Mom does monitor, which the girl didn’t know until the police showed up. Again, it got real ugly real fast, but the girl actually was glad her mom jumped into a situation she couldn’t handle.

   Comment #7 by smeeFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 11:38 pm

8. My husband and I allow each other read practically anything, except for my journal. There is nothing secret in there, I just want one place that’s just mine. We have a pretty open communication line and we share so much with each other, I just want one place for my thoughts only. He has asked to read it and I said no, I’m not sure why but I just don’t want to. I think it’s my way of being able to write freely without fear of judgement. Although I wouldn’t be devastated only anything if he secretly read it.

   Comment #8 by ssjFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 11:44 pm

9. For me… I learned the hard way that having separate accounts and such from your spouse is not a good thing. I learned of some very serious things happening in my husband’s life that were NOT in accordance to our spiritual beliefs. SO… while I understand that we’re individuals, when we’re married - we should be able to trust each other to know that we have nothing to hide. Acting defensively is a red flag. That does not mean we should just snoop for nosiness’ sake.

   For children, ours doesn’t understand the need for privacy yet… in fact, they’ll often bring me their journals to read over. I know that will change as they grow older. Hopefully our communication skills are that they will understand that if they’re having difficulties, they can turn to us and we can help in whatever way we can.

   Comment #9 by SaraFebruary 22nd, 2011 at 11:45 pm

10. I think that a healthy marriage means you don’t have to keep secrets…I don’t think I’d be happy if I thought my hubby were keeping things from me on purpose. I mean, we don’t tell each other everything but that is because we know the other person doesn’t care or would be bored….but if we asked, we would be told the answer.

    We’ve known each other’s email passwords, etc from the time we were engaged onwards. It never seemed weird or an invasion of privacy. My dad didn’t want him driving my car until after we were married, which I thought was over the top. But whatever.

    Comment #10 by AmyFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 12:09 am

11. Oh yeah, and my only rule for my husband reading my email is that he marks them ‘unread’ afterwards. This is totally a personal quirk thing with me, because I always archive by category or delete emails when I’m done with them, and if I leave them in my inbox then its a “to do” thing. If they are unread & I didn’t read them then I might not scroll down for over a week based on the other stuff in there waiting for me to get to it.
    So yeah, basically its my own ocd traits that make me request this of him. ha!

    Comment #11 by AmyFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 12:15 am

12. DH and I don’t really have any expectation of privacy. We both pretty much have access to everything the other does, though it’s not like we really use it. I know his password for facebook, e-mail, etc, but I don’t generally get on them (except sometimes when I play a facebook game in his account instead of my own, which he actually likes since it boosts his stats). I don’t think he knows my passwords, but that’s because his memory isn’t nearly as good as mine (he’s been told them multiple times). That said, they’re always up on my laptop, which isn’t password protected, so he could look at them any time he wanted to. We also know where each others’ journals are, but we don’t really go and read them. So I don’t know — we don’t try to know everything the other is saying, doing, etc, but at the same time there’s really no expectation of privacy. It works for us. The only exception to that is my writing projects. He asks permission to read those, and sometimes I grant it and sometimes I don’t (when it’s very rough and I don’t like it yet). Those are also always up and he can easily pull them up and read them anyway, but he knows not offer comments/criticisms/suggestions unless he’s asked and been given permission.

    I think there’s a little more expectation of privacy with kids. We’re teaching them to be self-sufficient adults, which means teaching them to have boundaries and not share certain things with other people. I don’t think I would walk into the bathroom when my kids were using it (well, when they’re older — right now I still have to help them), and I don’t think I would read their private diary or journal. I do think I would monitor all electronic stuff, but also tell them I’m doing so. I’m still a ways away from this stage, so I may change my mind about any or all of that as they get older.

    Comment #12 by VadaFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 1:08 am

13. Wow, I ended both paragraphs with emoticons. I’d like to point out that it’s late and I’m overtired…

    Comment #13 by VadaFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 1:10 am

14. When I was married and he read my mail (or anything else that was mine), it ticked me off totally…..to put it mildly. But…..we had a terrible marriage and it ended in 1997. If both people are like some couples that I covet, and it truly is a compatible and happy marriage, then probably there’s enough trust to not have this problem.

    Comment #14 by LucyFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 6:32 am

15. I don’t think I have a right to read my husband’s email, or he mine, but I definitely think that insistence on absolute privacy is unnecessary, and often a warning — if not of illicit behavior, then at least of control issues. Obviously there are exceptions when a spouse has a calling or job that deals with a lot of confidentiality. I haven’t thought about it a lot with kids yet, because mine is only 2.

    Comment #15 by JanelleFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 6:33 am

16. My husband and I don’t read each others’ email unless it’s reading over each others’ shoulders, which actually happens fairly often. I don’t think he’d care much if I read his email, but I don’t, mostly because I don’t find it interesting.

    My kids are still too little to understand the concept of privacy, although I do need to start teaching my almost-3-yr. old about it. I think they earn privacy as they grow and learn, based on their behavior, attitudes, and the types of situations they end up involved in.

    Comment #16 by kaduseyFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 7:30 am

17. You guys are echoing what we do too. I don’t go nosying into DH’s email, but I could, there is no reason I can’t access it. I don’t prevent him from accessing my stuff either, although he almost never does.

    With kids, I don’t know. I was an avid journal keeper (and was until child #2 came along), and I carefully hid my journal so nobody would read it. In retrospect, there was nothing salacious or anything in it (although I did complain about my mother a lot), but I would have felt violated if my parents read it. My high school boyfriend read my journal once, and I was livid. It felt like the ultimate invasion of privacy, and I think I would have reacted the same way if my parents read it.

    Yet I feel perfectly comfortable monitoring and reading my child’s text messages (not that we are there yet, either). Is the difference that a journal is just a place to vent, whereas texts involve interaction that could be dangerous? Brave new world, mommas, brave new world.

    Comment #17 by Heather O.February 23rd, 2011 at 8:01 am

18. For a while there my husband was adamant that his email was his own, he was entitled to his privacy, couldn’t he have anything in his life that was just his - and I went along with it. Until I realized he was having online flings.

    Now I have his passwords.

    The end.

    Comment #18 by Just MeFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 8:08 am

19. “Now I have his passwords.”

    Of the accounts you know about…

    Comment #19 by martaFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 8:18 am

20. My husband and I have access to each other’s email accounts (and pretty much everything else) but we never snoop in each other’s emails. We are very good about communicating openly with each other, so if he were to snoop in my email instead of just talking to me about a problem I would be a little hurt. I would feel guilty if I read through his email just to read it. We could never share an email account for practical reasons - we both use it way too much and it would become unwieldy.

    We do both get pretty defensive about our computers, though. We are both pretty geeky and have strong preferences about our settings and computer use. I get super annoyed when he gets on my computer and changes things without asking me (he used to do that all the time but he doesn’t anymore, really) and he gets annoyed at me when I smudge up his pristine, clean, shiny laptop. But, it’s not about privacy, it’s about having everything worked out just right for you. It would be like if I started wearing his jeans, and he mine - it’s just annoying and doesn’t fit. Not that I NEVER use his computer, and etc, we will if we have to, but it’s always the last choice.

    With kids (and probably with husbands too) I think if you are up front about your snooping it’s okay. But, if you do it sneaky like and try to hide it, that’s not okay. You need to snoop on your kids to keep them safe, but they deserve to know you are snooping and deserve the right to explain what you find.

    Comment #20 by KatieFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 8:21 am

21. As far as the husband thing goes I’m there with just about everyone else, we have passwords and certainly could read each others, but mostly we don’t.

    I have a little different take on the kids thing though. I didn’t know it at the time but my parents read my journal when I was in HS. I’m sure that if I had known I would have freaked out but in retrospect I’m glad that they did, what they learned from reading it and the action that they took as a result went a long way towards heading off a disaster.
    Of course this was all in the days before texting so it’s possible (probable even) that they would have figured out what was going on with me from my texts and the journal reading wouldn’t have been necessary but when my kids get to that age I’ll certainly consider it.

    Comment #21 by Alison WonderlandFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 8:45 am

22. Having a record of passwords could be very important in case of an untimely death, so every now and then I make a list of our passwords and accounts and put it in a sealed envelope in the file with our wills. (My husband and I use the same passwords for all of our accounts.)

    I can see that it would be important to have private accounts if there were an expectation of confidentiality, if one of us were bishop or Relief Society president or a lawyer or doctor or psychologist, for example, of if there were an issue with spousal abuse in our relationship, but since neither of those is true, I think that preserving trust between my husband and me is much more important than any other expectation of privacy in our personal accounts.

    That said, my husband is rarely interested in any of my interests or online conversations, so I suppose if I wanted to, I could probably carry on all sorts of intrigues without him noticing… : )

    Comment #22 by ResearcherFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 8:52 am

23. Periodically, DH and I have a journal night, where we randomly pick a day and he reads my journal out loud to me, then I read his journal out loud to him. We do not have any secrets from each other, but occasionally, we will have a surprise for one another.

    I used to check his email all the time, just an addiction thing, and I wasn’t getting enough email, so I’d read his. When he was bishop, he had a separate bishop email account. Now I’m not really interested in his email, but I could read it if I wanted to. Likewise, he could read mine.

    I think it’s up to the individuals to determine what they feel comfortable with.

    My kids have email accounts, but they rarely use them, and any message that comes in to their accounts get forwarded to mine as well.

    Comment #23 by ErinFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 9:19 am

24. My husband and I are along the same lines as most other people. We have each other’s passwords, but rarely use them. I do get on his Facebook, but that’s mostly because he’ll get invites to family things and forget to tell me, so I’ll check it out on my own. We’re pretty open about everything, though. If I found out he had been snooping without telling/asking me first, I’d be irritated. My journal (and his journal) are off-limits, though. That’s my space to write without having to worry about how silly I sound. He gets to hear all of it anyway.

    Kids… I will definitely be monitoring them as they begin using Facebook/e-mail/texts. And they will know. As they earn the trust needed to use them on their own, they will get the space to do so. I don’t think they will have 100% privacy until they are 18 or have graduated high school. Depends on the child. Journals, however, will be off-limits, no matter how tempting it would be for me to just open them and find things out.

    That’s all just hypothetical, of course, since my oldest is 3.

    Comment #24 by Erin MarieFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 9:46 am

25. I’ll start off with the caveat that I’m not married and I don’t have kids. However, if I do marry, I will not read my husband’s e-mails, and I will not allow him to read mine. It has nothing to do with hiding things and everything to do with maintaining both my own individual personhood and the confidentiality of my communications. My friends confide things in me and I wouldn’t want to violate their trust. Plus, I’m going to be a lawyer, so I’ll have professional obligations to keep my communications confidential. I think trust is essential in a relationship, and if my significant other insisted on having access to my e-mail, I would see that as a sign that he didn’t trust me. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me.

    For kids, I definitely won’t ever read their journal. My mother read my journal once when I was a kid, and it upset me greatly. It was just some stupid little thing about who I had a crush on at school, but I felt so incredibly violated. I stopped writing in my journal as a result, and I’ve struggled to get back into the habit. I’m not sure what I’ll do about online stuff or text messages. I’ll cross that bridge when/if I get to it. The internet will probably have revolutionized itself several times over by then anyway, so whatever I decide now might be obsolete.

    Comment #25 by Keri BrooksFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 10:37 am

26. With my husband, we have access to each other’s e-mails. If I was wondering about something, I’d be more likely to just ask him directly about it first. We’re pretty open and I don’t have a reason to snoop.

    For kids, I will absolutely, unapologetically read their journals, texts, and online accounts. I’ll warn them at some point, but it will be happening. My mom read my journal when I was a teenager and discovered that I had made some really bad choices. She confronted me, told me she had read the journal, and we had lots of talks. She saved me from making much bigger mistakes, so I’m glad she did it. At the time, I was annoyed, of course, but it was absolutely the right thing to do.

    Comment #26 by LindseyFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 10:45 am

27. We both have separate email and facebook accounts, but we both know all the passwords, and it’s never been an issue if I occasionally log into his email or if he logs into mine. I have a journal I keep online that is private though, and he doesn’t read it except with permission.

    My mom read my journal without permission once in high school and I felt very violated. It wasn’t for a very good reason though - she wanted to see how upset I was with her over a particular issue we had. She did tell me afterward, but I was pretty upset. I think for my kids I will definitely monitor facebook, email, texts etc (and tell them I will do so) but hopefully leave their journals alone, unless I feel a strong prompting to read it.

    Comment #27 by KarlaFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 11:01 am

28. Trust. Respect. Communication. Honesty.

    If you have these in your relationships with your spouse and your kids, then privacy do’s-and-don’t’s aren’t as much of an issue because they tend to take care of themselves.

    I know that seems simplistic, and daily life is never as cut-and-dried as this sounds - but in my experience, these traits definitely make it easier.

    Comment #28 by Michelle AMFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 2:39 pm

29. Along the lines of most everyone else, in our marriage, we have each other’s passwords and are free to get into emails, fb accounts as we wish. Though, I don’t believe it ever really happens. It is more of a convience thing like mentioned above, like if DH wants me to forward him an email or what not. There’s nothing to really hide in there–at least not in our case.

    I do have a very good friend whose husband was very tight with his privacy. His phone was ‘like fort knox’ (that’s what he’d say). Problem is, he was sneaking around often with a number of different girls throughout the course of their marriage. While working things out, he said that if he knew that she had had more access to his stuff, it probably wouldn’t have happened, at least not as easily. But when he temptation arose, and he thought she “wouldn’t find out” it made the temptation hard to decline. In all honesty, she may not have found out; if it wasn’t for the husband of one of the girls he was hunting called her and told her about it. Yipes.

    My mom read my journal when I was 19. There is still a ‘miffness’ (I know, not a word, humor me) about it. I was sooo angry about it, and since have had little trust in her. Looking back, I could see that maybe she thought it was valid; but she forsook to just talk to me about it first (we have communication problems in my family). I honestly believe that if she would’ve sat me down and talked to me about her concerns, we could’ve have avoided a lot of fights later on in life. So while I may not totally write off reading a child’s journal (if there are signs in behavior that are alarming), I would definitely try to talk to them first and use the journal as an absolute last resort. As for texts, I’m also not at that age, but DH and I have discussed it. More than likely, eveything will have changed by then. Technology changes so fast. I worked for a major cell phone company just before texting and picture messaging came out. There were so many parents who bought their kids phones not realizing what was going to come of it–I think it will be like that when we are older. It’s easy to look back after all the technology has already been out and you can see the ups and downs of it; but I think the real challenge comes with new technology that doesn’t truly show what it is capable of at the beginning. Does that make sense? Hope so.

    Comment #29 by HaybayFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 3:56 pm

30. This post reminds me of Dr. Phil’s line - “People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.” We are along the lines of everybody else - we know each other’s passwords, but rarely do we go into each other’s email - his is INCREDIBLY DULL and technical, and mine is full of groupons and payless ads.

    I don’t think that makes either of us less of an individual person. I don’t know why it would.

    If it has to be private for professional reasons, (lawyer/doctor/clergy) that’s a separate issue altogether, and confidentiality needs to be respected or someone’s going to lose their job.

    I get a copy of every single email my kids get. They know this. (I don’t think they tell their friends, though) When they get a phone, I will read their texts randomly - they will know this as well. I mean, hey, I’m paying for the phone, right? I do NOT read their journals,and I don’t plan to, unless there is some red flag behavior that talking to them doesn’t seem to solve.

    Comment #30 by The WizFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 6:55 pm

31. I know most of my husbands passwords, or I could figure them out. I rarely get into his email, unless I need to get some information. Having his password was invaluable when he had emergency surgery and I needed to set an auto-reply stating he was unavailable and who they should contact.

    I do not think parents should look at a kids journal unless they have good reason to believe something really bad is happening. It seems to me you are jeopardizing your relationship with your kid if you do that. I know I would personally be super ticked if someone read my journal, especially if I had something I was trying to hide.

    Comment #31 by m2thehFebruary 23rd, 2011 at 8:36 pm

32. The law requires that my e-mails associated with work remain confidential, and the church requires that a lot of the information I deal with in my calling remain confidential. So my spouse and I never read each other’s e-mail. We try to stay away from each other’s phone messages and social media as well.

    Comment #32 by BenjaminFebruary 24th, 2011 at 10:51 am

33. Privacy is such a relative thing. It should be assumed and respected in healthy relationships. On the other hand, there are situations where it can be a very dangerous thing.

    DH and I have a joint email account. I have access to DH’s work email as he is often in the field and needs to answer back or refer to a specific email. He’ll call and walk me through it and the people on the receiving end are none the wiser that I was doing the typing rather than DH.

    I do some legal work and DH respects confidentiality in regards to my phone messages and work email account. Clients are always sorted and identified as such so he wouldn’t be able to access something he shouldn’t by accident.

    I have kept some small things from DH that are not really that important and other really bigs things that would just be harmful. DH’s first wife was a serial cheater. Over the years I have occasionally been given flowers from various people and clients as thank yous. The flowers I get from single male clients I keep for the rest of the day at the office, and then take them to my grandma who lives in a nursing home to enjoy. If the client happens to be in over the next few days and asks about the flowers, I simply tell them that they were so lovely that I shared them with Grandma. In this instance, although I’m certainly not cheating, DH doesn’t get any unnecessary and unwarranted blasts from the past.

    I learned some terrible things about DH’s father after he died (from primary sources). If I had known them while FIL was living I would have likely had nothing to do with him. I have never told DH these things. There was a long period of time they didn’t speak, but their relationship was mending and doing well when FIL died. It would be cruel to tell DH those horrible things. In short, we are careful of each other’s histories and aware of how that affects our lives and how we treat each other.

    Our situation with our teen DD is not the norm. She has some very severe mental health issues and behaviors that are harmful to herself and others. Some of her behaviors could result in people being harmed or innocent people going to jail for things they didn’t do if I don’t keep on top of things. I snoop, pry, inspect, etc. everything and all the time. I do this with her standing in the room and make her explain anything suspect that I find. DD hates and resents it, but the reality is that I can’t not do it. DD knows that nothing is private except what she tells her therapist and not even that if it involves harming herself or others in any way, or illegal activities; the therapist will inform me ASAP. Obviously, the majority of families aren’t in this situation.

    DS has an email through the school that I have access to. I haven’t ever had reason to snoop and he frequently logs on to show me stuff. DS doesn’t have a phone and uses mine to text his adult brother who lives out of state.

    Comment #33 by JCFebruary 24th, 2011 at 7:05 pm

34. I’ve never read my kids journals…..but backpacks and rooms were my business. They had no privacy there. I have always had a really good, open relationship with both my girls.

    Comment #34 by Lisa SFebruary 24th, 2011 at 11:54 pm

35. I have Mr. Wonderful’s permission to open all mail (he considers me his personal secretary)including email. I wouldn’t read his journal without asking. He has a separate email account for private church things.

    When it comes to my kids, I have full access to all passwords so I can read email, FB, whatever. I take their phones regularly to see who they are calling and if they are breaking the family rule of calling/receiving calls after 9:00 p.m.. I would not read their journal without permission.

    Comment #35 by ScarehaircareFebruary 25th, 2011 at 6:45 am

36. DH and I are both logged into e-mail at all times- I don’t care if he reads mine, he doesn’t care if I read his. Same thing with FB. and neither of us are good at journaling. but really, while we are individuals, I’ve got nothing to hide.

    As for kids, mine aren’t too that age yet, but computer and cell use get monitored. journals are if there are serious concerns about life choices, (aka drugs and such) but for the most part, safe.

    Comment #36 by Scooby SaundersFebruary 25th, 2011 at 7:33 am

37. You know, call me crazy, but I plan on NEVER reading my children’s journals. I don’t care what they’re into in relation to reading the journal….I think they need a place to be able to let off steam, spill their guts, complain, whatever…without fear of censure from snooping. I am hoping that I have a good enough relationship with my kids that they will come to me when they are having issues, and that I’ll know if something is “off” if they don’t come to me. I’d rather have them choose to confide in me rather than snooping around then having a nasty or offtone confrontation. Personally I think the risk of relationship damage from journal reading is too great. But that is just me.

    Comment #37 by AmyFebruary 25th, 2011 at 11:11 am

38. Amy, I think you have a good point and I understand where you are coming from. I think that, hopefully, most of us won’t have to snoop. I would never routinely check my child’s journal (unless I were in the situation JC described, which I completely understand).
    However, if I suspected that my child was involved in dangerous and destructive behavior such as drugs, I would be breaking those privacy boundaries. If my child is already into those things, the relationship is already damaged and I doubt that my kid would be confiding in me at that point. My first priority would be to save my child and the relationship would come second.
    I think you make a good point about making sure you have a good, communicative relationship with your child. That is something I strive for, but I’m not perfect and my kids certainly don’t tell me everything.
    But sometimes, despite parents’ best efforts, kids withdraw and make bad choices. If it requires snooping to save them and help them, then so be it. I’ll worry about them liking me later.

    Comment #38 by Tiffany W.February 25th, 2011 at 12:39 pm

39. No, I think that even if they’re into drugs I won’t read their journals. If they’re getting into things that are a little off “in the deep end” I’ll confront them straight out, tell them that I want them to take random drug tests & will exhert my parental controls to force them to pee in the cup or get their blood drawn, whatever it takes. But I won’t read their journal. I want them to have a private place to vent. I think more damage is caused by people feeling like they have nowhere to retreat to and become their own person, the adult they will be. And ultimately, my children won’t be living in my house forever…I can’t control everything they do, say, or peer at. But we’ll talk about things openly, and if they still decide to “wander” as some may call it, then I believe they need a journal to pour their confusion into, uncensored. Whether I read their journal or not won’t change the drug test results, or the porn addiction. But hopefully if I foster an open environment & tell my kids straight forwardly that I expect them to live by certain rules in my house then they will respond in kind. But if not, they’ll have to live with consequences. However, for me, intruding on their personal journal is crossing a boundary you can’t get back. Reading their journal won’t make me a better mom, or give us a better relationship regardless of circumstance. Therefore I won’t do it.

    Comment #39 by AmyFebruary 25th, 2011 at 11:11 pm

40. By the way, by “give us a better relationship” I meant one that fosters trust, respect, & open communication.

    Comment #40 by AmyFebruary 25th, 2011 at 11:12 pm

41. Amy, I have to agree with you. Plus, I find it hard to believe that a child who knows there journal is being read is writing anything private in it. At least in my experience, when my mom read my journal-it was no longer a safe place. Beforehand, I was a very good at writing in my journal often. But afterwards, I was very careful as to what I wrote. Things are so vague that reading them now, I don’t even know what I am talking about. Eventually, I stopped writing a journal altogether. That trust was broken. I also agree with you as to have a safe place to vent. I can’t tell you how much it helped in my teen years to be able to journal something and let it all out on paper, “knowing” it would be a safe place to write it. Maybe it depends on the kid–but for me, that experience was devastating–and I was 19. I can’t imagine what it’d have been if I was 15 or 16.

    Comment #41 by HaybayFebruary 26th, 2011 at 9:13 am

42. My husband and I have a very open relationship and our view is similar to what others have described here. He has access to my personal email and me to his but I have no access to his work email as it is all privacy protected due to business contracts, etc. I have read his email before and I know he has read mine but I don’t think it is a regular thing. We have the option but don’t really. Neither of us is bothered by it (or at least not that he has said) and I am careful never to read any church emails he gets (he is the executive secretary and sometimes Bishop sends him detailed emails). I have a FB account and he does not but he has access to mine whenever he wants since we have had a few friends who have cheated and it began on FB.
    As for children, I tend to agree that their privacy is much more limited. Once my children are old enough for computer, email and cell phone/text interaction we will be monitoring it. I do not really plan to read journals but I would as a last resort if things became perilous. My kids will know that they are being monitored and hopefully between that and an open line of communication we will be able to make it through the next 10-15 years!!!

    Comment #42 by Domestic DivaFebruary 28th, 2011 at 5:19 pm

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