By The Wiz
Breastfeeding is the only option, and if you try anything else, both you and your child are doomed forever.
Breastfeeding is not the only option, and if you tell me it is, I will kill you.
Sleep training is child abuse.
Sleep training is the best way to get your child to sleep, and if you don’t do it, both you and your child are doomed forever.
Sleeping with your baby is the best way for you to bond, and if you put her in her own bed before she can ask for it, both you and your child are doomed forever.
Sleeping with your baby is the worst possible thing you could ever do, and if you don’t put him in his crib from day one, both you and your child are doomed forever.
If you nurse your baby past the age of one, you are a freak and not to be trusted.
If you don’t nurse your baby until at least age 3 (which, is, after all, the BIBLICAL weaning age), clearly you and child are doomed forever.
BYU is evil.
BYU is the best University on earth, and if you feel differently, well, you know the outcome. Dooooommmm………
Organic vegetables and fruits are the best and only thing you should ever eat. Eating our animal equals is just wrong, and the “vegetables” you buy in the regular grocery store will kill you before you realize your potential doom.
Vegetarians are freaks and not to be trusted.
The earth is doomed.
Environmentalists are freaks and not to be trusted.
America is evil, and if you feel differently, you are just not educated enough.
America is the best place on earth, and if you feel differently, you are unpatriotic and should be shot at dawn.
Women are, and ever should be, subservient to men.
All men have oppressed women forever, basically, and are the root of all evil, and they should all be shot at dawn.
If you let your child watch TV, you have doomed her to a life of obesity and ADHD.
TV is a lifesaver, and anything under 3 hours a day is unacceptable. How else will your child learn to read?
If your family is not happy 100% of the time, you are not living the gospel.
If you are not sad 100% of the time, you are uneducated and just plain stupid. After all, who could ever be in a good mood with all the crap that’s out there?
People should dress up to go to church so as to show respect for the Lord.
People should dress down to go to church so as to not offend the people who can’t afford to dress up.
Sunscreen causes skin cancer.
Lack of sunscreen causes skin cancer.
Mammograms cause breast cancer.
Mammograms prevent breast cancer.
If you don’t circumcize your boy, well, then, just accept your doom. Good luck with that.
If you circumcize your boy, I hope you like DOOM, because that’s what you just chose.
You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t. Doooommmmm……..doooommm
Your doomed for forgetting to include homebirth and elective c-sections.
Comment #1 by Julie M. SmithJune 20th, 2006 at 9:21 pmOh crud and I’m doomed for the stupidest spelling mistake ever.
Comment #2 by Julie M. SmithJune 20th, 2006 at 9:22 pmJulie, after I posted, I was like CRAP! I forgot the doom of epidurals and the doom of home births! Glad you brought it up.:)
Also, clearly you are an uneducated dolt who has doomed her children forever to spelling errors and illiteracy. Oh! The Home School Doom!
Comment #3 by The WizJune 20th, 2006 at 9:30 pmHow FUN was that to write!?
Comment #4 by Tracy MJune 20th, 2006 at 10:08 pmYou could retitle the post something along the lines of:
The Complete Works of the Bloggernacle, abridged.
Well, maybe you would have to include SSM and abortion for that title to be appropriate….
Comment #5 by Laura WJune 20th, 2006 at 10:33 pmI am still laughing…:)
Thanks for some perspective!
Comment #6 by CherylJune 20th, 2006 at 11:02 pmWhat about birth control, and family planning. That just stinks of doom to me.
Comment #7 by AbbyJune 20th, 2006 at 11:03 pmToo funny. And I must be an uneducated dolt too, cause I can’t find Julie M’s spelling mistake . . .
Comment #8 by Trivial MomJune 20th, 2006 at 11:06 pmbwahahaha! Milk just came out my nose! giggle.
Comment #9 by nestleJune 20th, 2006 at 11:56 pmYour versus You’re…. (sorry, I’m a grammatical freak at times! I don’t think you are dolts!)
Comment #10 by CherylJune 21st, 2006 at 12:08 am“The Complete Works of the Bloggernacle, abridged.” Do I smell a reduced shakespeare company fan in our midst? Kudos.
Comment #11 by Mo MommyJune 21st, 2006 at 2:43 amAbsolutely and truly everything I’ve read on the nacle in the last year that has caused a ruckus, except perhaps that recent letter that I missed in sacrament and whether or not the snarker is funny. But over all a pretty good synopsis.
*raises hand* oh, oh…doom ME for something will you! Wait, I may have already done that several times over on my own, judging by your list…….
Hilarious!
Comment #12 by MaryJune 21st, 2006 at 8:48 amTracy - it was pretty fun to write, yes.:)
Mo mommy- Reduced shakespeare compnay! I love them - they’re hilarious. I haven’t seen them perform in about 10 years, though. Sigh….
Comment #13 by The WizJune 21st, 2006 at 12:01 pmThe only people worse than bloggers are people who comment on blogs. And the only people worse than people who comment on blogs, are people who don’t blog at all.
Comment #14 by GeorgeJune 21st, 2006 at 2:35 pmThat was too funny. I am pregnant at the moment, and having major hormonal fluctuations (read… I AM A BRAT!) This summed up my feelings about life at the moment quite succinctly.
Comment #15 by gingerJune 21st, 2006 at 3:29 pmHope you don’t mind, I linked it on my blog.
Thanks for a great laugh!
That was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
Comment #16 by Jamie JJune 21st, 2006 at 4:54 pmI was just talking on the phone with a friend about feeling guilty over child spacing or some such nonsense. And my part of the conversation, weighing pros and cons, went a lot like your inflammatory comments. And thank heavens I have a wonderful and wise friend who convinced me of my own strength to decide for myself without guilt or remorse.
I need a weekly installment of inflammatory comments and wise friends so that I can keep my head on straight. Thanks…
Comment #17 by MaraliseJune 21st, 2006 at 8:02 pmWhat about mommies who work (either outside the home or inside the home for money) either part time or full time?
Comment #18 by Elizabeth-WJune 22nd, 2006 at 1:04 amOoh - and the DOOOOOOMMMMM of not having a big number of kids, and not being a quilter and scrapbooker!
And maybe the dooooom of not having the foresight to have hand-cart pushing Mormon pioneer ancestors…. bit hard to come by in Australia, but it’s ALL MY FAULT!!!DOOM ON ME!!!!!=P
Comment #19 by SelwynJune 22nd, 2006 at 6:11 amDear Miz Wiz,
Wow, I hope you are feeling much better getting all out in the open. =) Musta been a HUGE sigh of relief.
Oh a little different note I guess you could play the “doom” card on me for refusing more in depth testing when I was pg with Parker. My mom and I had Parker in the PICU up at Primary’s when a visiting (ahem) Fellow asked me if I had understood that I had ‘options’ and if I did understand that I had ‘options’ with Parker while in utero, why didn’t I take advantage of them.
She was was doing the ‘doom’ thing on me for bringing this total joy into the world……and I am sure my response put a bit of doom into her life when it reached the ears of the attending physican that day.
In today’s world you can be doomed for bringing a child with T21 into the world, and doomed for opting out of the opportunity of bringing one into the world.
You know where I stand on that one.
Comment #20 by Tammy and ParkerJune 23rd, 2006 at 12:36 am[…] In conclusion: Anything you do for the environment will doom both you and your future generations forever. Dooom. Dooommm…. […]
Pingback #21 by Mormon Mommy Wars » I Give UpOctober 4th, 2008 at 12:06 amOMgosh…this is hysterical….it could go on for days.
Comment #22 by valOctober 20th, 2008 at 1:53 pmwhat about the doom of drinking red wine and then the doom of drinking ANY wine
or the emails that warn you that you’ll be doomed it you don’t forward it within 2 minutes to 10 people…but if you DO forward it, those SAME people will kill you.