By The Wiz
Breastfeeding is the only option, and if you try anything else, both you and your child are doomed forever.
Breastfeeding is not the only option, and if you tell me it is, I will kill you.
Sleep training is child abuse.
Sleep training is the best way to get your child to sleep, and if you don’t do it, both you and your child are doomed forever.
Sleeping with your baby is the best way for you to bond, and if you put her in her own bed before she can ask for it, both you and your child are doomed forever.
Sleeping with your baby is the worst possible thing you could ever do, and if you don’t put him in his crib from day one, both you and your child are doomed forever.
If you nurse your baby past the age of one, you are a freak and not to be trusted.
If you don’t nurse your baby until at least age 3 (which, is, after all, the BIBLICAL weaning age), clearly you and child are doomed forever.
BYU is evil.
BYU is the best University on earth, and if you feel differently, well, you know the outcome. Dooooommmm………
Organic vegetables and fruits are the best and only thing you should ever eat. Eating our animal equals is just wrong, and the “vegetables” you buy in the regular grocery store will kill you before you realize your potential doom.
Vegetarians are freaks and not to be trusted.
The earth is doomed.
Environmentalists are freaks and not to be trusted.
America is evil, and if you feel differently, you are just not educated enough.
America is the best place on earth, and if you feel differently, you are unpatriotic and should be shot at dawn.
Women are, and ever should be, subservient to men.
All men have oppressed women forever, basically, and are the root of all evil, and they should all be shot at dawn.
If you let your child watch TV, you have doomed her to a life of obesity and ADHD.
TV is a lifesaver, and anything under 3 hours a day is unacceptable. How else will your child learn to read?
If your family is not happy 100% of the time, you are not living the gospel.
If you are not sad 100% of the time, you are uneducated and just plain stupid. After all, who could ever be in a good mood with all the crap that’s out there?
People should dress up to go to church so as to show respect for the Lord.
People should dress down to go to church so as to not offend the people who can’t afford to dress up.
Sunscreen causes skin cancer.
Lack of sunscreen causes skin cancer.
Mammograms cause breast cancer.
Mammograms prevent breast cancer.
If you don’t circumcize your boy, well, then, just accept your doom. Good luck with that.
If you circumcize your boy, I hope you like DOOM, because that’s what you just chose.
You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t. Doooommmmm……..doooommm
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