By The Wiz
Well, Heather’s post a while ago about howwhiny her husband gets when he’s sick got me thinking about all the things I had in the file entitled: Things I Did Not Know When I Got Married. Here are a few examples:
If you put an egg in water, and turn it on, and boil it, in the hopes of having a hard boiled egg, and then forget that you wanted a hard boiled egg, the water will eventually boil dry and the egg will explode.
Just because you balance your checkbook on a regular basis does not mean that your husband does. Separate accounts and separate bills may be the answer to avoiding many arguments. If you must combine accounts (which happened when I stopped working), Quicken and on-line banking are a god-send. Use them, and use them wisely.
Being married really IS way better than being single, but occasionally you will long for your single life, and will remember it as being way more glamorous than it actually was.
If you are the first of your friends to get married, they will still be your friends, but for the first year of your marriage, they will treat you like someone else has landed on earth and taken over your body. For the first few months of your marriage, they will avoid you entirely, because they are worried that they might interrupt something they don’t want to think about.
When people call you by your new last name for the first little while, you will look around wondering where your mother-in-law is. You really do go through an identity crisis with the name change.
Things I Did Not Know When I Had a Baby:
Peeing is a major event after delivery. As well it should be.
Motherhood is IMMEDIATE. I know this sounds silly, logically you know that of course it’s immediate, but when they put that baby on your chest 5 seconds after it’s delivered - all of a sudden, your life as you know it is over. There is absolutely NO rest time after delivery to start feeling like yourself again before motherhood has become your life.
Your baby is a stranger to you. You do not know this child, even though you thought you would, what with the pregnancy and all.
Breast-feeding is hard. It’s painful. So is weaning.
People care far less about you than you thought. All of a sudden, nobody wants to visit YOU, they just want to see the baby.
Breast milk, when it has been spit up and stuck in your baby’s neck folds for hours on end, does not smell good. And it is dang hard to get that stuff out of your baby’s neck.
I believe there is a secret conspiracy to conceal the fact that while your baby is breast-feeding, what he’s REALLY doing is sucking away all your brain cells. That’s why they say breast-fed kids are smarter, and it’s why motherhood makes you stupid.
I have a growing number of files:Things I Did Not Know Until I Had a Toddler, Things I Did Not Know Until I Had More Than One Child, Things I Did Not Know Until I Had a School-Age Child, and I can list many, many things under them. I know the number of files will continue to grow as my kids do, and all I can say is: Heaven help my children, because what I don’t know can fill many, many books.
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