By Heather O.
My mother can’t sew. All growing up, we heard hilarious tales about her harrowing experiences trying to sew things. My favorite was the one where she wrestled with a pinafore needed for a church performance, and finally woke my father up in the middle of the night, half crazed and covered with thread saying, “If you value your wife’s sanity and our marriage, you will let me go out and BUY a pinafore!”
Her daughters carried on this long and glorious tradition of ineptitude at the sewing machine when in 7th grade Home Ec. class, I sewed a linen napkin to itself (we were only supposed to learn how to use the different stitches on the machine), and my twin sister cut off the bottom half of some sweat pants with the serger(sp?).
They banned 7th graders from the serger after that.
So as an adult, I have shunned sewing most of my life until my son was born. Then some good friends in Boston “helped” me make his bumper set (which means they did all the work while I babysat their kids and cut off loose threads), and told me repeatedly, “It’s really not that hard. You can do it.”
Ok, how hard can it really be? So last year I plucked up my courage, bought a simple beginners sewing machine, and enrolled myself in a sewing class at the local fabric store. The teacher carefully walked me through my first project, a table runner, and I graduated from the class with a table decoration and only a few wobbly seams.
So, armed with a false sense of security, I have recently embarked on another simple sewing project:making pillows for our deck chairs.
It has taken me over a week to finish one.
My ineptitude with the sewing machine has indeed been proved yet again, so I offer this list of reasons why I should never try to sew:
10) I’m trying to make 4 pillows. I ran out of fabric after I cut enough for 2.
9) I accidentally sewed without fabric under the needle, and screwed up my bobbin. Twice.
8) In trying to fix my bobbin, I did something funky to the machine and broke it. DH had to fix it. When he laughed at me, I threatened to stab him with a butter knife.
7) I installed a zipper without measuring exactly where it should go, so the zipper is not even close to the center of the seam or pillow edge.
6) There is a huge lump where the fabric ends and the zipper begins. I have no idea how it got there, and I sure as hell don’t know how to get rid of it.
5) I let Jacob play with my pin cushion. It took me 2 days to find it stuck behind a mirror in our hallway.
4) The fabric I’m using is striped. The stripes don’t line up. At all.
3) I sewed two sides of the pillow before I realized my needle wasn’t thread correctly.
2) In pinning the zipper into the pillow, I accidentally pinned the rest of the fabric to my shirt.
And the Number 1 reason I should never sew:
1) In pinning the zipper into the pillow, I accidentally pinned the rest of the fabric to my shirt. Again.
But at least I got one done, and so I have to finish the rest. I just hope we can all live through the experience, and I can get them done before we move and throw out our deck furniture. Or before I lose my mind. Or before I pin everything to my own *&%#@ pants.
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