By The Wiz
I do not care that birthdays mark you as one year older. I do not care that they mean my kids are older, and closer to leaving the house. I Do care, however, that they mean parties. And birthday parties are death.
I am preparing for my daughter’s 6th birthday party. She’s upset that everyone tells her she looks four, but that’s a different subject altogether. She has chosen a ‘flower’ theme, which could not be more appropriate for 17 degree weather. So we are pretending it’s Spring, which is kind of fun.
So I just bought all the supplies and what not, and let me tell you, these people are making money hand over fist. Every teeny little thing, costing $2.49, adds up pretty quickly.
The questions abound: What to send in the gft bags? Not too much, and not crappy stuff, since it just gets tossed in the trash. I went for little cloth gift bags this year, hopefully the kids will like them and keep them a little longer.
What to do at the party? How long will each actvity take? 15 minutes or 2 seconds? And should I have back up activites?
Who to invite? And do I have to make cute invitations, or can I just send cards? I actually did make little flowers for the invite, my first foray into the cutesy. Normally I do pre-printed cards, but this looked easy, so I did it.
And so, we are having 8 children, not including my 3. The gift bags have 3 items in them, and nothing plastic in them, not including the pinata candy. I have 4 activities planned, hopefully with the cake and present opening, I can kill 2 hours. Hopefully I will survive this ordeal. I am so having a girls night out when it’s over.
We do have a rule. Friends birthday parties only when they turn an even number, beginning at age four. (For heaven’s sake, a one year old does not need a huge party. A one year old needs a nap.). Other than that, family parties only. That way, I only have to endure the madness every other year.
So, I send my plea to you moms: help me stop the birthday party arms race! Please don’t have huge elaborate parties with clowns, magicians, 3 bouncy castles, and gift bags with game boys in them. Help me spread the idea that having a small party at your house is normal, acceptable, and even a privilege. And must we do gift bags? How many “bad mommy points” do I get if I skip those next time?




You violated one of our rules when our kids were young: no more guests (excluding family) than your age.
Comment #1 by JrLJanuary 23rd, 2007 at 6:54 pmI’m with you. Parties can be fun, but wow, are they exhausting! We had 15 kids when J turned 4, just because I felt bad about leaving anybody out. Needless to say, that will not be happening again. We are probably going to have 7 this year, including J. All boys, too. Everybody who knows each other, and are already friends with each other. That way, nobody cries when J doesn’t pay him any attention.
Any thoughts on not giving gifts? One mom recently said that she didn’t want anybody bringing gifts because she was “drowning in toys”. I’ve never heard that before, and I applaud her for doing it.
Comment #2 by Heather O.January 23rd, 2007 at 7:03 pmYou’re a nice mom. In our house, growing up, we got a party at 1 (so Mom could take a picture of us with cake all over our face), 5 (cuz we started school), 8 (cuz we were getting baptized), 12 (entering YM/YW), 16 (self-explanatory), and 18 (self-explanatory). Although, I think she enlisted that rule after having her 4th or 5th child. It worked out to no more than two parties a year, and sometimes none (especially when my sister and I didn’t really have any friends to have a 16th or 18th birthday party).
Those flower invites are way cute. I say use those. They look easy enough.
Comment #3 by EMKJanuary 23rd, 2007 at 7:16 pmOur rule is: one year, family party. The next year, a big event to which you invite one friend (like a train museum, Wiggles concert, etc.) The third year, a party with friends.
Comment #4 by CylJanuary 23rd, 2007 at 7:20 pmWe’ve adopted the same party plan that my mother-in-law did with her children. A friend birthday party at 4,8,12,16. That’s when she does a theme and goes all out. Not all out like clowns and bouncy castles. But all out like decorations and goody bags and games. We’ve decided to combine it with my family tradition of only inviting as many children as the age they are turning ie. four kids on their fourth birthday.
Anyways, I think before age four they have a hard time sharing and don’t understand why the present they brought isn’t for them. Age 8 they will be baptized, age 12 young women/young men, age 16 dating/driving. In between these years we will have strictly family celebrations.
Comment #5 by NikkiJanuary 23rd, 2007 at 7:37 pmI thought this article from Time was pertinent to the discussion. And I heartily support the parties w/ friends every other, or every few years.
Comment #6 by StarfoxyJanuary 23rd, 2007 at 7:59 pmI love those invites.
I have done big, and small parties. The celebration my older kids remember and love the most are the going places, with the family and a friend, ones.
My daughter doesn’t remember much about her princess party. Where she had a princess cake, and all the crap with it.
I even made crowns and wands.
Ugg.
GOod Lucky WIzzy. I really do like the flower invites.
I have made MILLONS of those paper flowers, on the top, for various things. THey are simple to make
Comment #7 by Lisa MJanuary 23rd, 2007 at 8:33 pmMy girls know some years you get an “invite” party and some you just don’t. What they ALWAYS get is a date with daddy and we cater to them all day; favorite meal, no chores, spanked
celebrate them. Make it about them and not so much pleasing other moms ya know? I know, I know it’s fun to impress! Have fun, and enjoy your night out when it’s done!
Comment #8 by PJJanuary 23rd, 2007 at 8:53 pmI think I’m about ready to implement an every other year rule - after two princess parties last year. I have a hard time whittling down the guest list - I don’t want any hurt feelings in our gigantic primary.
Anyway, as to the actual question - one activity we did at both parties that the girls all really enjoyed - as they come in, they sat at the table and started making necklaces or bracelets from beads (they even have the flower shaped ones). That way, they have something to keep busy with as people arrive and get settled, and they all have something to take home. We played a modified version of hot potato where they tossed a little tupperwear jar around the circle, and when they were out, they opened it up and took out a little prize (a ring with lipgloss in it - my feminist credentials should be shredded probably) before leaving the circle to go sit at the table and decorate a crown. By the time they left they had a necklace, ring, wand, and crown - and that’s enough!!!
Comment #9 by SueJanuary 23rd, 2007 at 9:40 pmWe do the every other year thing as well which works out well. I ALWAYS limit the number of kids invited to actual friends. I don’t care if I don’t invite the whole pre-school/school or primary class. If they don’t play with my child then they are not invited. I am not offended if someone that my child doesn’t play with has a party and doesn’t invite my child.
I have also found that when all is said and done, it is sometimes cheaper (and always less stressful)to go to the party places. Their place gets messy instead of my house, they make the gift bags, they provide the food. And after all the supplies and gift bags that you buy for an at home party the cost ends up almost the same.
Comment #10 by DedeJanuary 23rd, 2007 at 10:34 pmmy son is turning 6 in a week and I never even mentioned to him that he could have a party. Am I mean, probably, but oh well. I’ll let him have one next year when life isn’t so crazy, (dh is moving to Boise next month and me and the 2 kids are staying behind to sell house) Growing up we did parties on our even years and on the odd we got to invite a friend to our birthday dinner.
Comment #11 by moddyJanuary 24th, 2007 at 12:35 amA lady in my last ward would put on the invitations for each child to bring a small gift, wrapped, value no more than $5 for a “white elephant” game. Each child went home with a gift and she wasn’t over loaded with presents that her sons didn’t need.
I fly to California and let my mom throw the kids thier parties at her house. Not one bd-party have I had to host. It’s a good solution, and worth the airfare, imho!
Comment #12 by Tracy MJanuary 24th, 2007 at 12:51 amwe had two fun parties recently. the bishop’s kid turned three and they invited the other nursery kids to a city beach clean-up, then hosted a breakfast at the playground, no gifts please. SO fun!
next was also no gifts, just pizza and cupcakes and the kids running wild in the backyard. they had one of those home bouncehouses, but then just their regular outdoor toys. at that age, just being with the other kids is plenty fun.
another party’s giftbag was a small rubber bouncy four-square type of ball in cellophane with a bow. LOVED it!
we’re with tracy and the grands throw the family parties. we had a big party for my oldest’s first, but had family in town and it was fourth of july weekend anyway. my daughter turned two last month and asked for a yellow party, which turned out to be SO cute!
Comment #13 by makakonaJanuary 24th, 2007 at 2:14 amI haven’t really decided what we’ll do when my girls get older. We had a huge birthday party when Googie turned one and again when she turned two. But in all honesty, those were more an excuse for me to get all of my adult friends together. I think one other kid came to Googie’s first party, and she wasn’t even old enough to eat cake, but we had 10+ guests. With her second party more of my friends had kids, so there were more kids invited, but still it was more about the adults then the kids.
We’ll see what ends up happening as the girls get older. But I see birthday parties more as playdates with cake and ice cream than me having to have activities, gift bags, and themes, etc. I’ll probably be looked down on in the mommy world, but all kids really want to do is play, so why not let them?
Comment #14 by Trivial MomJanuary 24th, 2007 at 2:08 pmSummer birthdays are the best! Fill up the wading pool in the backyard, add a bucket of water ballons, ice cream cones and you’re all set.
Sigh, wish all my kids had summer birthdays.
The best at home indoor party was so simple, we just did everything backwards. Answered the door saying “Goodbye!” Made nametags with everyone’s name spelled backwards (except dd’s friend Hannah, who chose to use pig latin instead) and parades backwards around the house, played pin the donkey on the tail and then ate cake & ice cream from cups and drank punch from bowls. And then we said “hello” to everyone and sent them off.
No decorations, no treat bags, invitations just handwritten (backwards, of course) on cardstock.
That was three years ago, and some of dd’s friends still call me by my backwards name when they see me!
Comment #15 by RNJanuary 24th, 2007 at 5:22 pmWe’re of the “every other year” variety around here. I have an extended play date with cake when they’re two, and go from there. Nothing big, nothing hired, always at home.
But then, I’m an oddity: I like planning and throwing parties.
Comment #16 by MelissaJanuary 24th, 2007 at 5:38 pmI SO got sucked up in the ‘keep up with the Jones’ horse and pony show’ birthdays when my 3 oldest kids were little.
I’m much smarter now. Summer parties = ’splash’ parties in the BACK YARD. Drop off a group of kids at the dollar movie and pay one of my teenagers and their friend for crowd control. Simple. Fun. Cheap.
Comment #17 by Tammy and ParkerJanuary 24th, 2007 at 6:08 pmWe do the every other year party-thing, too..
I have to suggest something I’ve fallen in LOVE with —birthdayexpress.com. Seriously, I’ve used them a couple times now, and I’m a fan. Some of it is NOT cheap, but everything from invitations, thank you cards, plates, utensils, balloons, table cover, cake toppers, goody bags, pinatas, etc. THE WORKS, are mailed directly to your house.
Since I’m having a baby just before my daughter’s fourth b-day, I decided my money was better spent on them then the gas to drive to different dollar stores looking for things. PLUS I then don’t feel guilty for going “all out” for the party, since I just picked what I wanted and click –it’s here!
However, I will say it’s good to tone it down for younger kids –and limit the number of guests. But I’ll tell you right now, if it wasn’t for birthdayexpress, I wouldn’t be throwing her a party this year. I just don’t have the energy…
Comment #18 by CherylJanuary 25th, 2007 at 5:28 pmYou know, I’ve never understood all the anger created over children’s birthday parties. I figure it’s either jealousy or pride on the parents part–wanting to “save face” and thinking that all the world is watching and analyzing your every move. My kids have gone to parties at amusement park-type places and they had a great time. They’ve gone to home-made parties and had a great time. Kids aren’t aware of how much different party venues cost and they don’t care. Neither do I. All I felt toward the parents was GRATITUDE that they put forth the effort & my child benefitted. If your child comes home with a cute goody bag does it make you feel like less of a person? Help me understand– I don’t get it!
Comment #19 by CarolynJanuary 25th, 2007 at 11:54 pmI’ve done both kinds of parties and when I did-it-myself I was wiped out for 48 hours and so was the entire family (all our birthdays are summertime and I don’t want our house destroyed). We were out in the heat, even though it was morning…Ugh. don’t get me started! So now I only do parties “elsewhere”. If the parents feel jealous and threatened, let them. I have a very soft voice and I do not have personality of a circus ringleader & i know it. I’ve learned from past failures and let somebody who has a big voice and big personality corral the kids while I do all the background work. Why we judging each other about birthday parties??? If birthday parties make you judgmental and feel threatened… **Sigh**
Why do we do this to each other? We should be cheering each other on & helping each other.
Cheryl-
I have to disagree with you that kids don’t understand how much things cost and the difference in party venues. I distinctly remember a party at Chuck E Cheese as a kid where the kids had unlimited tokens (we would just grab whatever we needed from a big huge sack the mom had). I thought, at the time, “Wow, this party was expensive! These people must be rich!” I went to some pretty elaborate parties as a kid, and although I always had fun, I was constantly thinking, “I wish my family could afford this”, which they definitely could not.
My own son just went to a birthday party with over 30 kids where the parents had rented out an entire sports complex, complete with free food at the grill. Just walk in, whatever you want, it’s free! He has been talking about that party, and wanting it. Sorry, I just don’t have an extra $1000 kickin’ around for stuff like that. And he’s bummed.
It doesn’t make me feel bad when my kid comes home with a cute goody bag. It doesn’t make me feel bad when he doesn’t come with a goodie bag. I just get frustrated with over the top parties that change our kid’s expectations about birthdays, and re-enforce the “gimme, gimme, gimme” attitude that is so prevalent these days. It’s a hard time to raise a kid who is not obsessed with “stuff”, and having to deal with over the top parties where the kid gets a million presents and obviously big money has been spent for the party makes it just a little bit harder to fight the narcissitic trend.
Comment #20 by Heather O.January 26th, 2007 at 12:39 pmI’m not opposed to having parties elsewhere. I am a fan of it, actually. Usually it ends up being cheaper or the same cost, and the effort is far less. But I am not a fan of huge, over the top parties. I guess the definition of ‘over the top’ is different for everyone. (renting out an entire spports complex is too much)
I just hate the stress. Will my kid have fun? Will the other kids have fun? Will the fact that I’m just doing a pinata at my house make the other kids think my kid is lame and then treat her poorly at school? Will this feed the need for more ’stuff’ in a bad way, or will it just make her feel special?
(That kind of stuff happens. I was told as a child that nobody wanted to come to my house because we had ‘cobwebs in our food’) And yes, I know people who think like that are not people you want to hang out with, but when they’re the ones you go to school with, and you are 6, you don’t really think like that.
Comment #21 by The WizJanuary 26th, 2007 at 1:20 pmUmmm…heather…that was Carolyn…not me. Just pointing that out.
I know I pointed out that I don’t mind doing birthday parties (if there’s little work in it for me), but I’ve come across something I hate: Who do we leave out? I mean, you can’t afford to have ALL 12 sunbeams and 2 friends, and 4 cousins come to the thing…so I had to limit the guests to a certain number –including the siblings (all siblings are invited to the parties until they start to get older). Now, how many Subeams at Church are going to hear about a party they weren’t invited to? I just hate that. I was left out a lot when I was a kid and I just don’t want anyone else to feel that way –not that the 3 year old will even remember in a week.
Comment #22 by CherylJanuary 26th, 2007 at 5:39 pm~sigh~ Yeah.
Let’s just add this underneath the stuff mom’s do that add guilt to our lives…