By Tracy M
Writing is cathartic for me- it’s how I figure out who I am, and how I fit in the world. My mind is a cyclone, and unless I write things out, I tend to forget who I am, and be carried away on where ever the daily breezes blow. The thing is, I can’t write about the bucket of rocks that is my situation right now. It’s not even “mommy” related, unless the fact that I am a daughter and I have a mom counts- but it is LDS related, and certainly Christ related.
As a convert to this wonderful faith, the above scripture is particularly poignant to me. Maybe it’s easy to gloss over sometimes, but these are Christ’s own words- and while we stress and focus on the peace and love our Savior certainly brings, right now I’m living the sword. And it’s sharp.
I would love to hash all my feelings out, but I can’t. If I were to try and share (as my husband and best friend both think I should), I would shred any last hope of finding peace with “those of my own house”. Those of my own house are set at odds with me in part because I have accepted this gospel and changed my life around to reflect that obedience.
In a church that stresses familial bonds and “family is forever” how do I find my way with my own family? I’m not turning back. I’m not leaving. If anything, in a weird way, this familial opposition only makes me more resolute and firm in my choices to be here, be a member, and live my life the way I see right.
But still… It sure does hurt. And I sure do miss my mama.
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