“I’ll get her a cup.”
The director wrote the line into our junior high play so I’d have a token speaking part. I practiced saying it for over a month trying out different intonations, pacings and accompanying body language. It was going to be the best cup-offering ever known to Saxe Middle School.
Nobody in the audience noticed since the line was unimportant. My parents had been prepped on the magnitude of my one glorious line but they had the sense not to make a big fuss about it. I pretended to be devastated at my mental slip. I’d blown my chance at Broadway! Could the world ever forgive me?
I’ve always wanted the limelight but somehow once I capture it I shrink with fear and inadequacy. In high school I decided to compete in a solo violin competition. My mom dropped me off at the competition on Saturday morning for my private performance for a panel of judges. I walked into the building, found the closest broom closet, and hid behind a garbage can until I’d missed my scheduled performance. Then I called my mom to pick me up and told her with an apologetic expression that I’d done my best but hadn’t won anything.
This pattern still holds true in my life. Boy, oh boy do I want to be noticed but could you please make all these people stop looking at me? I’m due with a baby in 7 weeks but can’t imagine having a baby shower and actually having to sit in a circle with all my friends looking expectantly at me. I prepare a talk for church, spending hours and hours creating an incredible discourse on life and the gospel but make sure to be scheduled last on the program. When I inevitably end up with two minutes to speak before the close of the meeting, I just look at the clock, shrug, bear my testimony and sit down.
But here I am. Mormon Mommy Wars wants a show and as their newest contributing blogger I’m dedicating myself to giving them what they want. Just don’t be surprised when you find me hiding in to corner every once and a while. Please just pretend you don’t see me.
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