By The Wiz

1. Awww… come on.. who needs a house when you’ve got an hour in the chapel every week to do your business?

   Comment #1 by CassieApril 18th, 2007 at 2:58 pm

2. Won’t it just suck when the Lord inspires you to buy a house there?

   I’m really surprised at that talk. Are you sure you weren’t at an FLDS ward? :-O

   Comment #2 by SallyGirlApril 18th, 2007 at 3:15 pm

3. Welcome back! I’m glad to hear the move hasn’t killed your sense of humor.

   We were once in a BYU ward where almost every couple had been married less than a year except for my husband and I who had been married for four. This meant there were NO kids and everyone spent the entire sacrament meeting making out. Adam and I would just sit in the back and gawk at all the ear tickling, hair caressing, secret kissing and thigh groping going on. One of the bishopric gave a talk once in which he said that he was watching to make sure that each couple entered the chapel HOLDING HANDS. Adam and I almost tossed our cookies on that one.

   Comment #3 by sarahApril 18th, 2007 at 3:38 pm

4. But just think of all the good you could do! They need you!

   Kissing…HILARIOUS!

   I’m betting the Bishopric member that assigned that guy to talk was listening in horror as well…

   Comment #4 by CherylApril 18th, 2007 at 3:51 pm

5. One of the bishopric gave a talk once in which he said that he was watching to make sure that each couple entered the chapel HOLDING HANDS.

   Wow. But I guess this can happen in a ward with no kids. I don’t remember the last time I held my husband’s hand in church.

   And Wiz, I’m glad you’re not buying a house in that ward.

   Comment #5 by VadaApril 18th, 2007 at 3:52 pm

6. When I was a teen there was a gal in our ward who, while on the stand and bearing her testimony, whipped out a boobie to begin nursing her two (YUP TWO) year old. That was fun.

   Then in our current ward a few years back was the gal who, upon her husband triumphant return after being inactive for ten years, decided to bear her thank-a-mony. She went on how much she loved him and then thanked him “…for our great sex…did I just say sex? SEX? I didn’t mean SEX! WE DON’T HAVE SEX! Well we HAVE sex, but what I meant was with the kids. We have sex kids. Not sex with our kids we have SIX KIDS AND NO SEX!!!”

   At that point everyone who was asleep prior was definately wide awake. The Bishop finally stood up and politely led her out into the hall, where we all assumed he took her down to the library and duct taped her mouth shut before counceling her husband that, in this case, inactivity is a good thing.

   Comment #6 by smeeApril 18th, 2007 at 3:52 pm

7. I can’t stop laughing, I think that I would have of thrown something, then I would have of blamed it on my 3 yr old daughter. I’ve never seen someone kiss in the chapel during sacrament meeting. Kissing out in the hall, yes. Did your kids notice all the smooching going on? My son would have of started making gagging noises, he’s currently in the “kissing is gross phase”.

   Comment #7 by moddyApril 18th, 2007 at 4:14 pm

8. oh yeah, what part of AZ are you house hunting in?

   Comment #8 by moddyApril 18th, 2007 at 4:14 pm

9. Wow. All I can say is wow. I have to be honest, though, those are the church moments I live for. They really spice up a boring meeting. I’ve got two good ones.

   #1 - In his talk, this guy starts telling about a late-night party he was at as a teenager and how as he was driving home, he experienced a UFO sighting. A real live spaceship, flashing lights and all. If that wasn’t enough, he went on to say that he understood what Joseph Smith had gone through after the First Vision because no one believed him about his UFO sighting. Yeah.

   #2 - A high councilman in my first married BYU ward said he’d been inspired to talk about homosexuality by a dream he’d had where a handsome man was coming on to him. He’d just felt so DIRTY and felt like this subject was something he needed to share with our ward. Can we say EEEWWW? I really didn’t need to hear about your kinky sex dreams, Brother.

   Comment #9 by ColleenApril 18th, 2007 at 4:17 pm

10. Colleen, how did you make is through either talk with out laughing out loud, or at least snorting if you are the snorting kind.

    Comment #10 by moddyApril 18th, 2007 at 4:23 pm

11. Gag!~

    Comment #11 by Tracy MApril 18th, 2007 at 4:49 pm

12. I’m just laughing over here! I’ve got nothing! No funny stories to tell at all. But the moments you’re all describing is what I crave for.
    If it were me, I would’ve kept counting and then walked up to the couple (or woman) later in the hall and say, “You must really love your spouse because you kissed 41 times.” And then let them think about if I was watching (and counting) them kiss because I was bored, appalled, or amused.

    Comment #12 by Natalie S.April 18th, 2007 at 4:53 pm

13. I’ve never seen anybody kissing in our ward, but somebody did say in Relief Society, and I quote, “Well, when you reach orga*m with your husband at the same time, we all know that’s just the best”.

    Sisters squirmed, the teacher said, “Yes, intimate sharing is always good!”, and the Stake Relief Society President was called. It goes down as the most bizarre moment of church attendence EVER for me.

    ‘Course I haven’t been to The Wiz’s new ward, yet.:)

    Comment #13 by Heather O.April 18th, 2007 at 4:59 pm

14. Uh oh, I have some crazy Arizona Ward stories. I was in some great wards there too, but, I almost feel like I should warn you about this one ward.

    The bishop gave all the youth (who, in this particular area were struggling big time as it was), ‘bishop kisses’. something to do with rubbing their earlobe, it was very creepy and inappropriate. 90% of the young men were inactive because of this alone, I’m pretty sure.

    Also, we had some, um, overzealous politicos. A certain individual, who had recently run for governor and lost lived near by and had friends in this ward. Enter the 2004 presidential elections. Our ward turned into republican party headquarters for the entire time I lived in it. We actually had sermons from the pulpit about why we had failed in our duty for not voting this man into office, and why it would be a sin not to vote in the upcoming election (because, he assumed as we were all active members, we would naturally vote for Bush). He had lots of interesting First Presidency stories (which Im just SURE were true - read sarcasm-) about how they instructed and directed and ’set apart’ the elected officials that are LDS. I’m sure this ward is a nightmare right now with Romney running for president. Even the RS was hijacked by his wife where we had lesson after lesson about our civic duty. The entire program of the church was abandoned, they only held one sunday school class every week that everyone had to go to and listen to the campaign speech.

    We actually moved to a whole new stake because it was so bad.

    Comment #14 by VeritasApril 18th, 2007 at 5:16 pm

15. Wow Veritas, my “voter registration forms in Sunday School” and “petition signature requests outside the RS room” really pale in comparison to that. And I live in Arizona. Coincidence? Probably not.

    Comment #15 by ZinkaApril 18th, 2007 at 5:29 pm

16. I think I speak for all of us when I say what in the sam hell is going on in Arizona?

    Comment #16 by Heather O.April 18th, 2007 at 5:34 pm

17. My favoriate story is a sacrament meeting in which the main speaker, a priesthood holder, was speaking on the power of the priesthood and what a blessing it was to have a righteous priesthood holder (like him) in the home. Of course sitting in the audience was my non-member (at the time) policeman hubby, and me, a prosecutor, who both knew that this particular righteous priesthood holder had an active arrest warrant out for soliciting sex with a prostitute.
    And to think, DH joined the church anyway. It must be true.

    Comment #17 by jamisueApril 18th, 2007 at 5:38 pm

18. hmm, what can i say, really, what can i say? all these stories have had me laughing so hard! as for the kiss fest in sacrament meeting–i know of one couple who seemed to have this strong urge to give massages to each other. now this bordered on the point of being termed ’sensual’ massages-and there was lots of sighing and stifled moaning coming from that pew. good luck finding a ward that feels like home to you.

    Comment #18 by AlisonApril 18th, 2007 at 5:47 pm

19. I honest to Gosh would have gone up to them and said “you guys kissed 40 times today during sacrament! Next week me and Bill will make out so you don’t have to be the only ones, okay?” If they get offended, oh well, people who make out in church give up their rights to privacy.

    It’s been so long since I’ve been on your site. I’ve struggled big time since this time last year with depression, long story, and have had so little energy for anything but the bare essentials. Which being a blogger isn’t much fun, I must say–when you HAVE to do it (don’t tell DKL).

    But you guys, this new site rocks. It’s way cool.

    I actually spent all day today on the computer making handouts for my RS lesson and doing research for Bill’s talk in church Sunday. That’s how I come to be here.

    Good job, guys.

    Comment #19 by annegbApril 18th, 2007 at 6:19 pm

20. I…can’t…stop…laughing…seriously! This is so funny.

    Comment #20 by CherylApril 18th, 2007 at 8:17 pm

21. I lived in a ward once with a sweet little old lady who would get on the podium and talk FOREVER. If she got up on fast Sunday, you could write off anyone after her being able to speak.

    Once she gave the closing prayer in SM. After about two full minutes, I glanced over at my husband. He began timing her on his watch. Final count? 8 minutes. So add the first 2 minutes, and I swear she was praying for 10 full minutes.

    Comment #21 by Susan MApril 18th, 2007 at 8:26 pm

22. Why do I hear all of these crazy stories and miss out on everything? I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m the crazy one.

    Comment #22 by glittersmamaApril 18th, 2007 at 9:39 pm

23. That’s hilarious! How did you keep from cracking up at that? I don’t even remember that kind of thing happening in my BYU married student ward.

    I echo whoever said, what the heck is going on in Arizona! There are some freaky stories coming out of there - though I’m sure you can find some gems just about anywhere…

    Comment #23 by MaryApril 18th, 2007 at 10:14 pm

24. In our AZ ward we had a seminary teacher stab his wife 40 times and then drown her in their swimming pool. This happened not too long after one of our primary teachers was sent to jail for having sexually abused his daughter for over a period of about 15 years. Enjoy your new home.

    Comment #24 by jbnApril 18th, 2007 at 10:41 pm

25. I thought my inactive, immature brother and his OCD pagan wife were the only oddballs in AZ, guess they’re not really the exception so much as the rule. Suddenly dh’s stories about his mission there make more sense…
    A friend was dating her future husband and took him to visit her family. That Sunday, in the middle of sacrament, her young niece started singing at the top of her lungs “I looked out the window and what did I see? Kerri kissin on her boyfriend Lee!!” They were utterly embarassed, but everyone else was pretty well amused.

    Comment #25 by mo mommyApril 18th, 2007 at 11:10 pm

26. jbn - I think I saw something on CourtTV about that guy. He tried to say it was because he was sleepwalking, right?

    Comment #26 by MegApril 18th, 2007 at 11:19 pm

27. The Wiz, Seriously, where in AZ was that ward? So crazy.
    I, too, live in Arizona and I know the familiy of the gubernatorial candidate who lost (and thank heaven he did, our governor now is awesome). I grew up in their ward and carpooled to HS with the oldest daughter. My parents live in that stake, but their ward seems to have remained unscathed by the political circus. (although on a ward campout once, someone suggested the Democratic Party as a modern day “secret combination”)
    My favorite sacrament meeting story is a woman who gets up in my ward and invites a young man to help her. She has a sword which she “stabs” him with (by sliding it through the arm that faces away from the congregation) She then summons the bishop to remove the sword, courtesy of his Priesthood Keys. It was hillarious. After that, we got the offical “no props” during sacrament meeting talks.
    My brother in law in Indiana just had a sacrament meeting where there was no bread after the hymn was over. AFter a while, the bishop left and the counselor announced “We’ll start with the water until the bread gets here.” And nobody blinked. They just went with it. Not as funny as it is strange.
    Anyway, I live on the Mesa/Gilbert border, so we’re pretty mainstream here, but I’m not surprised that there are lots of crazy things going on all over this state.
    The heat makes people do insane things.

    Comment #27 by JessawhyApril 18th, 2007 at 11:49 pm

28. Those are some interesting wards!! Mine is so dull compared to these stories I am hearing! I do have a good one that happened in my SIL’s sacrament meeting:
    A woman got up to bear her testimony and went on and on about how grateful she was to the ward for all of their recent help since her husband’s surgery on his “scrotum” - she repeated the word several times in the testimony. Right after she finished, her husband got up and said “I have have one word for you - STERNUM!!” Wouldn’t you just die?? I thought it was pretty hilarious. Hey, and don’t worry Wiz - I think crazy people are everywhere, NOT just Arizona!!

    Comment #28 by BubblesApril 19th, 2007 at 12:00 am

29. mo mommy when and where did your dh serve? mine also served there and some of the stories he has told are pretty funny.
    And Jessawhy, I love that your bishop actually gave a “no Props” talk in sacrament. It seems like most wards that I have been in at sometime or other have had to have the talk about what is okay and what is not for testimony meetings.

    Comment #29 by moddyApril 19th, 2007 at 12:13 am

30. The crazies are all over… when we were in Oregon we had a Bro give a talk with a prop. I think it was an eagle or a lion or something in a cage… and he talked about all the sins that could cage us in… by talking about his daughter that is a prostitute. :S Later in the talk he started to tear up… he took off his shoe, smelled it, and announced that he was better.

    Comment #30 by MelissaApril 19th, 2007 at 12:48 am

31. This is the best thread ever! Don’t let it end! I want to hear all of your stories!lol

    For me living in Colorado, 2004 election year in SS doing the B of M….it was the first time I had EVER heard that the democrats were today’s Gadianton Robbers and secret combinations! The teacher said it and so did a classmember–both hailed from Utah. The bishop upon hearing this
    cautioned the teacher that that was enough
    of that kind of talk! I was very happy when one of the GA’s in Conference spoke about how church members should stop this intolerance. I believe he said members who do this are standing on dangerous ground. It was high time a GA addressed this!
    But let’s hear more funny stuff!

    Comment #31 by maryApril 19th, 2007 at 1:44 am

32. we had a couple like that in an old ward. he once spent five minutes kissing each and every one of her fingertips veeeeery slowly. lots of thigh-massaging, too. they were icky!

    we were in a bizarre ward. we had a fight during homemaking where two adult women were rolling on the floor and someone had to call for one of the men to come tear them apart because none of the sisters were successful in doing it.

    we had a woman stand up in the endowment room during ward temple night and scream, “it’s not true! they’re all lies!” and then go running through the temple.

    um… had regular “cps wars” where each of the two female factions in the ward would take turns calling cps on each other, just because they were pissy.

    oh! one woman got a restraining order on another after afore-mentioned cps wars. second woman had to switch wards and the first woman quit showing up to church. after a few months, second woman asked if she could come back since first woman didn’t go anyway. bishopric said sure and first woman caught wind and, you guessed it, showed up to church only because second woman would be there. the cops came into sacrament meeting and hauled the second woman out.

    this was the only ward where i’ve seen people not only raise their hands in opposition to sustaining someone, but they also stood up to make sure they were seen.

    i was thankful to be in the primary presidency, where i could bury my head in the sand and pretend i knew not anyone.

    oh, and the dude in my TEMPLE PREP CLASS who rolled his eyes while discussing joseph’s first vision and said, “big deal, jesus appears to me all of the time.” dude. he went on and on about jesus hanging out in his house and stuff. weeeeeirdo.

    Comment #32 by makakonaApril 19th, 2007 at 2:09 am

33. Wow, I so live in the wrong AZ ward. Seriously I think the heat bakes some of us a little too much. People out here are just a little different. I admit I might have kissed my husband once or twice in the chapel, but 41 times!!!! I’m jealous. In 20 years of marriage I can’t remember kissing that much in an hour and ten minutes. Might try it though, maybe it would break up the monotony of some of the speakers. There are some interesting people out there.

    Comment #33 by pollyApril 19th, 2007 at 2:59 am

34. Well, in Tucson the first Sunday we showed up we got a really weird vibe, (and we should have known). It was testimony meeting and a young man in the ward had just committed suicide that week. A few months later some young man got up and bore his testimony about how he was tired of “dating fat chicks” and that he wanted “to date someone cute”. He droned on for 5 minutes before some sister put her arm around him and got him to sit down.

    Then there was the sunday when an older sister talked about her incestual relationship with her father, and then minutes later another sister talked about her husband was leaving her for someone who she visit taught and had been widowed for all of two months.

    I think that if we hadn’t left that ward my wife would have left me.

    Comment #34 by Patata BravaApril 19th, 2007 at 9:40 am

35. Holy. Crap. Makakona where do you live?

    My best story comes from our current ward. Last year a man was bearing his testimony and was going on and on and on about some physical ailments he had suffered the previous year and all the ward members who helped him during this time and how the doctors just treated him like a lab rat, and poked and prodded him “like an orgasm. . . .” (long pause) “I meant organism. (long pause) I’m a copy editor and I could get fired for a typo like that.” It was pretty funny and luckily a pretty good recovery, but not before a few good laughs and audible gasps.

    Comment #35 by MiggyApril 19th, 2007 at 9:40 am

36. My sister’s ward in CA had all the great stories. Here’s my two favorites:
    Two men in the ward went into business together. One of them pulled out and left the other hanging. In sacrament meeting the first man got up and started describing the situation, then said that he prayed about it and God revealed to him that “I’m supposed to kill brother X.” At first a few people laughed, then as he continued they realized he was serious.

    In the same ward a younger man got up to bear his testimony and said that he didn’t really know how to put it into words himself but there’s this great song that describes how he feels about Jesus perfectly. So he pulls out his boom box, puts it only the pulpit and turns on Shania Twain’s “Still the one.” He would have stayed up there and played the whole song, and kept fighting the bishop off.

    Comment #36 by StarfoxyApril 19th, 2007 at 12:12 pm

37. I laughed to tears about the sternum one!! Can someone tell me what “sam hell” is?

    In one of our wards the ward was just divided and the new ward was calling for a sustaining vote on its name, which was a creek running through the ward boundaries. One lady opposed because she didn’t think the creek really ran through the borders. She came to find out that it did.

    I taught a Gospel Doctrine class from the OT about Abraham and Sarah one time and a Bro. who had been trying to have children for a while, finally was successful, raised his hand and told us that those women who have been barren and then miraculously conceive are God’s chosen. I quickly corrected him before the dozen other hands shot up after his remark.

    We had two couples that switched partners with each other. Talk about scandal. They stopped coming to church.

    Is it as true for you as it is for me, that when you get the giggles in Sacrament Meeting, it is next to impossible to stop? My dh recognizes this when it happens and starts fake laughing just so I keep laughing. A lot of endorphins released though. Good times. I come home happy!

    Comment #37 by NuttyApril 19th, 2007 at 12:14 pm

38. One more. Our ward just split and before the split, the Bishop shared his feelings about being the Bishop. He said, calmly, “You guys are really stupid sometimes!” It was actually funny because he was the nicest man and could have said harsher things, but it was his humble (at least the way he made it sound) way of telling us to make better choices.

    Comment #38 by NuttyApril 19th, 2007 at 12:19 pm

39. Arizona is a great state, but weird. Where else can you get an Ev Mecham? I do love Phoenix though. Some of my best memories are from the Phoenix East Stake (where my grandma and other relatives live). The Stake center with the carnivals and barbecues. If you can find a place to live that still has irrigation for lawns - grab it. The established roots will see you through!

    Comment #39 by Ola senorApril 19th, 2007 at 12:41 pm

40. I was visiting a ward in another state. It was F&T Sunday, and a 30-ish woman read her “exit letter” from the pulpit, and then walked out the door.

    Comment #40 by BookslingerApril 19th, 2007 at 1:22 pm

41. Back in my Singles Ward days, a very odd couple got married. We were so happy they found each other but, apparently, no one attended their reception because they showed up the next day at sacrament meeting in their wedding clothes. Awk-ward!

    BTW, what KIND of kissing was going on? DH and I usually peck once or twice during SM. We have been married six years so we are past caring what people think of our relationship.

    Is that bad?

    Comment #41 by AngApril 19th, 2007 at 3:23 pm

42. In one ward we were in, a widow got up in F&T. She started asking if it was possible to get a temple divorce after her husband had died. She didn’t want to be with him anymore. She proceeded to tell us that “all he wanted her for was sex and a paycheck.” Everyone in the congregation was mortified. She is a sweet woman, though. Had a tough life.

    Same ward…an older lady giving a talk read a chapter from “The Work and the Glory”.

    We loved that ward. We have tons of great stories!

    Comment #42 by wabananaApril 19th, 2007 at 3:27 pm

43. Oh.My.Gosh. These are great stories…Last summer in my ward this guy got up and “bore” his testimony by reading–I kid you not–essentially a 10 minute talk. It was all about how he screwed up somehow in his marriage (he did mention it wasn’t infidelity or anything serious) but that he wanted to make it up to his wife by publicly apologizing to her. Apparently she had been so hurt by whatever he did that he felt he needed to do this. If it was me though, I would be more mad that he broadcasted it from the pulpit!

    Comment #43 by Jamie JApril 19th, 2007 at 5:02 pm

44. In our previous married BYU student UT ward, one young man got up to say “I’m so grateful we live in a state with Mormon leaders. Not a single one of our state legislators will vote until they know the church approves of what they’re voting on.” Fun for Mitt Romney.
    And it was in my UT parent’s ward that the dear RS sister would get up to bear her testimony about wonderful Rush Limbaugh.
    We moved to AZ in August, and maybe it’s too early to tell, but so far we’ve had nothing as interesting happen here as happened in our UT valley wards.

    Comment #44 by DayApril 19th, 2007 at 5:14 pm

45. These are all great! These stories could be put together to make a Crazy Church Stories Book.
    In my last ward, here in Salt Lake, we had a D&D type guy that gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting. For his whole talk he cited examples in order to disprove the Bible…to eventually get to his point that the Book of Mormon was true because it didn’t go through everything the Bible did.

    My most favorite isn’t funny but, it was cool. In that same ward a Baptist minister? turned LDS bore his testimony with raised arms and voice and with great fervor! It was exciting and awesome!

    Comment #45 by roster007April 19th, 2007 at 6:26 pm

46. Oh, wow, these are hilarious stories. My friend lives in Tucson, and in her ward there is an older lady who brings her dog to church–INTO sacrament meeting, etc. And it’s not a service dog, either–it’s a little yappy-type dog. But that’s the only weird thing she’s ever told me.

    Comment #46 by KerynApril 19th, 2007 at 6:58 pm

47. The only story I have to contribute comes from a singles ward at BYU. This guy was half way through his SM talk when he removed his tie and began unbuttoning his shirt. I nervously glanced at the bishop wondering if he was going to stop him from undressing further to parade around naked in one of the Clyde Building lecture rooms. The Bishop shifted in his chair but did not rise. Fortunately, the speaker’s unbuttoned shirt only revealed a Superman t-shirt. He proceeded to explain how Jesus is the ultimate super hero. As he finished his talk, he rebuttoned his shirt, hiding the Superman logo but leaving quite the impression.

    Comment #47 by KimarooApril 19th, 2007 at 7:36 pm

48. One ward I was in had a lady who stood up in sacrament meeting and started to share her testimony. It quickly turned into a rant about her husband, who was in jail because he was on crack. Emphasis on the crack, repeatedly. And then she started talking about her money trouble and eventually found her way to condemning the ward members because we hadn’t loaned her money.
    A few weeks ago someone’s testimony included the confession that they often felt like (seriously) slashing someone’s tires.
    And a friend told me about a testimony she’d witnessed that included an apology to the ward for being such a b****.
    Oh, and another of my favorites was a couple with some 7 kids who completely ignored their behavior (coloring in hymn books, kicking pews, fighting) in favor of canoodling. There was lots of kissing and at one point the lady even dug some earwax out of her husband’s ear.

    Comment #48 by a bystanderApril 19th, 2007 at 11:02 pm

49. I have to rain on just one exhibit in this parade. The scrotum/sternum story is an urban legend. My sister told me it happened in her ward (she doesn’t live in AZ). After hearing it from two other sources including an email forward, I asked her if it really happened. She admitted it hadn’t, but it was so funny she just couldn’t resist telling it.

    But the rest of these are amazing!

    Comment #49 by MelindaApril 19th, 2007 at 11:08 pm

50. My friend & I were talking today. She’s a transplant from AZ and she told me that all the wards she lived in out there had a LOT of crazies in them. (But I think that can be said for every ward…) For some reason I can’t remember the story about her AZ ward.
    But she did tell me about her old ward in Michigan. The bishop actually had to create a seperate Gospel Doctrine class because the attendees had their own views and he didn’t want them corrupting everyone else. To give you an example of their looniness, these people prayed to Heavenly Mother. I can’t even imagine what testimony meeting would be like in THAT ward…

    Comment #50 by Natalie S.April 19th, 2007 at 11:20 pm

51. In one of my BYU wards, a guy gave a talk about having the courage to do difficult things. Then he said he was going to practice what he preached. He then left the podium, went down into the congregation where his girlfriend was sitting, knelt on one knee, and proposed. I was sitting a few rows behind the girlfriend and could see her shoulders shaking, but I have no idea if she was laughing or crying or was just in shock. She eventually said yes. One of the weirder sacrament meetings I’ve been in!

    Comment #51 by RivkahApril 19th, 2007 at 11:48 pm

52. Most of my wards that I’ve been in have been fairly normal. But I’ve seen some weird stuff in my day. Once a lady got up and announced to the entire ward that she had been an alcoholic for years and was trying to get sober. She had seemed really active and such, so it was quite a shock.

    Last year in our ward a sweet man who didn’t speak that great of English was giving a talk about his conversion story. Part of it involved meeting his wife and moving to America. Then he proceeded to tell us about his wedding and that he “got my wife pregnant on our wedding night”. It probably wouldn’t have been all that bad, except that he stopped, turned bright read, and whispered, “I probably shouldn’t have said that”. We were all laughing so hard!

    Comment #52 by FoxyJApril 20th, 2007 at 12:02 am

53. Ok, this isn’t a sacrament meeting story, but an interesting one. My institute teacher said his brother was called to the Provo Utah mission. At one dinner appointment with a bishop, the wife and daughter finished setting the table with food and left the missionaries, the bishop and his two sons in the dining room. The bishop started to call on someone for the blessing and one of the missionaries asked, “Shouldn’t we wait for your wife and daughter?” The bishop then said, “Elders, this is a meeting for the brethren. Our women know where they belong.” Yikes!

    Comment #53 by CheckersApril 20th, 2007 at 12:17 am

54. In one of our family wards in Provo, a high councilman, on Father’s Day, introduced his talk by saying that his dad had lost his hand in World War II. Then, reaching into his bag, he said, “I know this is a ward with a lot of little kids, so I brought a visual aid.” Horrified (we thought we was going to pull out a 60-year-old amputated hand in a bottle of formaldehyde), we watched as he pulled out his father’s hook.

    The hook and its antics, rather than the father, were the focus of the rest of the talk.

    Comment #54 by mhuffApril 20th, 2007 at 2:26 am

55. Keryn - I can verify the story about the Tucson Dog lady. She wasn’t in my ward, but she was in our Stake. She is in a motorized wheelchair and doesn’t seem to be all there. I don’t remember the dog making much noise, although I didn’t spend that much time with her.

    Comment #55 by Patata BravaApril 20th, 2007 at 9:31 am

56. oops, i once referred to my oldest as our “honeymoon baby” during a talk. i’m super paranoid because i’ve had so many people either jokingly or seriously “do the math.”

    i agree about getting the giggles during sacrament meeting… it’s SO hard to stop! and we also had a ward member who converted from seventh day adventist (where he was a preacher/pastor/whatever they’re titled) and before that, southern baptist. he was VERY vocal and energetic and engaging when he spoke. great fun! i miss that!

    i have a girlfriend with a crazy mom who brings her pets to church. she just likes the attention.

    my husband and i used to kiss in the chapel once a week. he works sundays and used to be able to at least come for sacrament and leave partway through the first hour. someone suggested the kiss goodbye was inappropriate, but they can stuff it. my husband’s in law enforcement and if that’s the last time i see him, i’ll be hanging on to that last kiss for a long time.

    Comment #56 by makakonaApril 20th, 2007 at 10:43 am

57. Ah, makakona, no worries. Kissing in church isn’t bad. It’s making out that draws the line. DH and I would often kiss good-bye after Sacrament Meeting, too. But kissing 41 times in the meeting? Massages? Making out? Who ARE these people?!?

    This post is just wonderful and keeps getting better and better…

    Comment #57 by CherylApril 20th, 2007 at 11:56 am

58. I just remembered a couple more good ones. One was a baby blessing in which the father prefaced it with, “Welcome to Planet Earth.” My dad just about lost it.

    The other was just kind of weird. My friend’s dad was talking at her farewell and related a gristly story about a girl whose car was hit, throwing her out of the vehicle onto the highway. Then he said something about how a truck came and “squashed her like a bug.” I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped, but a friend who had come with me had to leave the chapel, she was laughing so hard. She just played it off like she was upset.

    Comment #58 by ColleenApril 20th, 2007 at 11:59 am

59. I think a quick peck is ok, but save the massaging and prolonged kissing for home!

    An interesting SM story: A few weeks back, a guy in our ward was giving his talk when he started to turn a greenish color. He loosened his tie and unbuttoned his top button, but looked like he might pass out. As he tried to continue his talk, he started to sway back and forth, and suddenly said, “I’m sorry…I don’t feel very well.” and sat down after only speaking for about 3 minutes! Everyone sat there in shock for about a minute, and then the bishop got up and gave an impromptu talk to fill the last 10 minutes of SM.

    Also, my hubby and I had hurried over for a Temple Rec. interview from a family party. We were appropriately dressed, but both had sandals on. (not flip-flops) The bishop was apparently so offended, that he gave a quick “talk” on Sunday about wearing respectable shoes to Temple Rec. interviews!

    In my ward outside of Dallas as a teen, I had a YW leader who always wore a swimsuit under her clothes…always! We had another leader who wore cockroach earings to church! Yuckk!

    Comment #59 by mother of the wild boysApril 20th, 2007 at 12:13 pm

60. I thought of another one… growing up, we had a family in our ward who’s oldest son was a gymnast - and really quite good. His mom was asked to give the closing prayer in Sacrament meeting. It happened to be the Sunday before one of his big meets. So, she prayed that he would do well and not be injured… then, I guess so the other kids wouldn’t feel left out, she prayed for each of them by name. She prayed for more than 10 minutes and mostly about her family…

    Comment #60 by MelissaApril 20th, 2007 at 12:24 pm

61. A man once stood up in Sacrament Meeting and unfolded and held up a bedsheet with his complete five-generation geneology chart.

    On my mission I was in a ward where the organist used to play the organ for the circus. The hymns were very staccato and lively and anything but slow or morose.

    Comment #61 by NuttyApril 20th, 2007 at 1:18 pm

62. There was a lady in our current ward who bore her testimony about the prophet Joseph Smith and then said, “I know my husband hates when I do this, but I’m going to do it anyway.” She started singing, “Suddenly a light descended, brighter far than noonday sun!” When she was done with that verse, she must have realized she missed the first verse and sang the first verse to end her serenade!

    Comment #62 by CheckersApril 20th, 2007 at 4:12 pm

63. Just wanted to say, I can well believe the dog at church story. Dogs are ubiquitous here in AZ. Women carry dogs around like they are purses. When I pick my daughter up at school, there are usually at least 3 moms carrying little dogs in their arms, and sometimes they even have a dog in a child’s stroller. All the stores have signs about only service dogs being allowed, but we’ve still seen dogs in people’s carts (I can sympathize that they don’t want to leave them in their cars here). There is a very nice children’s playground with a large dog park next to it. We have only seen children at the playground a couple of times, but there are always 10-15 people with 15-20 dogs at the “dog park.” It even has equipment for dogs. So I wonder if I would even really notice it if someone here brought a dog to church!

    Comment #63 by DayApril 20th, 2007 at 4:50 pm

64. Oooo, this is too good! Some of the stories on here are beyond belief. I loooove it when mormons do weird, weird things. So entertaining.

    My stories:
    A recent convert was bearing his testimony of his life history when he said the following: “…and I got down on my hands and knees and thanked God for…” No one laughed audibly, but boy, I was having a hard time stifling my giggles. (Provo ward)

    A friend served a mission in…oh dear. Montana or Wyoming–can’t remember which–and he told me this story. Testimony meeting, and a little girl (8?) gets up. She starts talking about how she believes in paryer, because she lost her lamb, and couldn’t find him anywhere, and that night she prayed and prayed for Heavenly Father to find her lamb. “And the next morning, I woke up and looked out the window, and there that son of a b**** was!” (Apparently, it was common for the members of this ward to swear–even at the pulpit.)

    In elder’s quorum (my husband told me this one) a gentleman got up and was talking about the blessing of repentance, and likened his sins to chains. He made a reference to Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” in the following way: “…draggin’ my chains around like Bob Marley…” (NV ward) “Buffalo Sinner,” anyone?

    And from RS: A teacher mentioned, in the course of her lesson, how much she loved learning about words and said, “I’m quite the entomologist.” Apparently not. (For those of you who are not word snobs like me, she meant “etymologist” and not a person who studies insects.)

    Comment #64 by wynneApril 20th, 2007 at 5:33 pm

65. Wiz, where are you moving to in AZ? If you’re moving to Phoenix, come to the Camelview (my) ward–I haven’t seen anyone kissing in sacrament meeting, I promise. And, we do have highly entertaining testimony meetings, though, like the time one marine veteran said (paraphrasing), “It’s not my job to judge Osama Bin Laden. It’s my job to hunt him down and kill him so God can judge him.”

    Wait…that’s not a good example to try and recruit someone to come to our ward. Sigh…

    Comment #65 by EmilyCCApril 20th, 2007 at 5:40 pm

66. Emily - sounds like some of my cousins are in your ward!

    Checkers - I think your story might be more truthful if not taken at face value. One of the counselors in the bishropic in one of my wards on mission said a similar thing. His sons then started laughing and his wife shot him an evil look as she left to go to a YW fireside.

    Arizona is an unique place for mormonism. Distant from SLC for a long time, the last refuge of some of the polygamists (including my forebears who stopped or came back after the mexican revolution), heavily mormon, but in a “gentile community”.

    Comment #66 by ola senorApril 20th, 2007 at 6:19 pm

67. I don’t want to live in AZ anymore. I tremble in fear.

    Comment #67 by The WizApril 20th, 2007 at 6:53 pm

68. wiz, we just moved into our house outside of Boise, and we have a great seemingly non-weird ward, though I haven’t been to a testimony meeting yet. The ward is huge, over 200 hundred kids in the primary. And it seems really friendly. Tell you husband that you’ve had a change of heart about moving to AZ and move to ID!

    Comment #68 by moddyApril 20th, 2007 at 9:01 pm

69. Wow. I’m really missing out…we have a plain, old normal ward. Washington’s really nice, Wiz.

    Comment #69 by Tracy MApril 20th, 2007 at 10:32 pm

70. So, here’s a story from my husband’s mission in Nicaragua (to help you feel better about moving to AZ).
    He was in priesthood session and a man’s young (younger than 12) son was acting up. My husband’s native mission companion stood up, took off his belt, and handed it to the father, who immediately started beating his son with it. In priesthood!
    Clearly, it could be worse than Arizona.

    Comment #70 by JessawhyApril 20th, 2007 at 11:05 pm

71. this is adam, sarah’s husband. this is the best thread of comments ever. here’s one for the the collection:

    in testimony meeting in my ward in frenchtown montana about 15 years ago, a lady got up to bear her testimony. she started off with the typical stuff, but then it got really emotional about how bad her life had been lately and how much she’d been struggling. then she said that she had fallen walking down the stairs to her car, and turned and showed everyone the mud on the back of her dress. then she said something to the effect of “and as i was driving to church this morning, i ran over this little critter.” and she pulled a live, but badly maimed, squirrel from her pocket. she gently stroked it as she finished bearing her testimony. then she put the little critter back in her sweater pocket, and went back to the pew and sat down like it was the most normal thing in the world to have a squirrel with its guts hanging out just sitting there writhing in your pocket.

    this is not an urban legend. i swear i was there.

    Comment #71 by SarahApril 20th, 2007 at 11:32 pm

72. Oh, Adam, that’s too much! Did she get blood on her dress from the squirrel guts?

    Comment #72 by Heather O.April 20th, 2007 at 11:39 pm

73. So my husband was reading over my shoulder, and said when he was on his mission in Venezuela, they had an Elder’s Quorom lesson on how to use a gun- the bishop actually brought ammo and proceeded to clean and then load the gun right there in the chapel.

    Comment #73 by popchickApril 20th, 2007 at 11:51 pm

74. Adam, that was the greatest story. (And the whole thread has been incredibly funny.)

    I’ve always lived in pretty normal wards. My parents who live near DC have some seriously crazy people in their ward, though. My dad was bishop for a long time, and there were times when I could just tell as someone got up in testimony meeting that he was thinking, “Oh great, what are they going to say today? And how am I going to get them to stop?”

    Comment #74 by VadaApril 21st, 2007 at 12:42 am

75. I’ve loved these. Two for the collection -
    Went to a civil wedding service once where the speaker was trying to convey the thought that as you marry there are a lot of adjustments to be made. Unfortunately he used an analogy of “how hot his wife was in bed”. He went on to explain about temperature adjustments in the bedroom! But there were a few stifled giggles around.

    Secondly, we had an elderley sister speak in SM before she left for her proselyting mission. She meant to say “I hope the Lord blesses me with lots of success on my mission” - it came out as “I hope the Lord blesses me with lots of sex on my mission”. Boy was she red-faced, spluttering afterwards trying to clear up the misconception! (Incidentally she met and converted her second husband on her mission).

    Comment #75 by AnnApril 21st, 2007 at 3:55 am

76. We should start voting for our favorite “sacrament/mormon story”! My husband and I vote for the “priesthood” leader who was wanted for soliciting a prostitute, and had a warrant out for his arrest!

    Comment #76 by LizApril 21st, 2007 at 3:56 pm

77. A friend of mine posted a story on her blog about a baby blessing in their ward where the baby was blessed with “a love of fine cheeses.” No joke. This was in Boston however, so it’s not just the westerners out there who are wiggidy-whacked.

    Comment #77 by MiggyApril 21st, 2007 at 4:31 pm

78. The best youth talk I ever heard involved the bishop’s son talking about good works. He went on to tell the story of hitting a dog with his car and walking door to door with the nearly dead animal to find the owner of the pet. He thought this was the ultimate example of good works, and became an instant classic in my home ward.

    Comment #78 by tiffanyApril 22nd, 2007 at 12:13 am

79. In my ward growing up, there was a failed-cop-turned-private-investigator who used to wear mirrored sunglasses all through church, and he always carried at least one “concealed” weapon. About midway through SM, he’d stand up, adjust his suit jacket so we could all see his gun, and slowly turn around, surveying the congregation. Funny, though, it didn’t make me feel any safer.

    Also, I’ve seen MORE THAN ONE old guy in my current ward clip his fingernails during sacrament meeting.

    And, one time a teenager announced in her testimony that “my dad thinks I’m a slut.”

    Comment #79 by AngieApril 22nd, 2007 at 12:49 am

80. Okay… just one more… promise… we had a home teacher come and talk to us about food storage. How it was important and it was a commandment and how he was going to shoot anyone that came to his house asking for food. He told us that everyone had plenty of time to prepare and he would kill anyone that tried to get food from his family.

    Comment #80 by MelissaApril 22nd, 2007 at 3:17 am

81. I have learned a lot in SM over the years. But perhaps the most important thing I ever learned was this: If you have a squirrel problem, set up a fish tank full of pirhanas. Make a small teeter-totter that hangs over the tank, and smear peanut butter on the end. As the squirrel runs to get the peanut butter, he will fall into the tank of pirhanas, and your problem is solved! The same brother taught me this lesson advised my husband to hide in a corner of the attic with a .22 and shoot the buggers.

    One F&T meeting a sister in my former ward was bearing her soul about all her mental health problems. They have become so problematic that she had had to give up her nursing career. She was having some financial problems as a result, and sure would love it if someone would hire her to be a nanny for their kids :s

    I am glad others have stories like this, because I have a million! Whenever I share with my friend, she swears I am making it up.

    Lisa

    Comment #81 by LisaApril 22nd, 2007 at 7:27 pm

82. I snuggled up against my husband during SM today, and he turned to me and whispered “I am NOT going to kiss you”.

    Comment #82 by popchickApril 22nd, 2007 at 9:44 pm

83. Wow…

    We live in “the divorce ward” now. In the last year, the bishop left his wife and ran off with the Primary presiden (not kidding) and they got married and STAYED IN THE WARD (again, not kidding). Awkward!!

    On my mission (in Scotland) we had one sacrament meeting where a woman got up and told the congregation that she just couldn’t hold it in any more, she was having an affiar with the (married) first councilor. Yes. If you want to compare crazy to crazy, I’ll take the UK everytime… another ward in Liverpool has almost NO priesthood that would come. We went through 8 branch presidents in one year….

    The squirrel story is the best….

    Comment #83 by bekApril 23rd, 2007 at 12:23 am

84. Okay… I know that I said no more, but I was talking to my family last night My sister had an experience I thought I’d share. They had just moved into a ward and a young man was giving a talk before he left on his mission. He got up and said, “I’d like to tell you how thankful I am that the church has changed their policy on letting people who are gay serve a mission.” The bishop got up and excused everyone to go to Sunday School and Primary!

    Comment #84 by MelissaApril 23rd, 2007 at 10:04 am

85. Is it too late for a couple more?

    In my home ward when I was a kid, there was an ongoing feud between a woman and the 2nd counselor. She gave the closing prayer in Sac meeting. She said some odd things, but I didn’t make much of it, as she was an odd person. I tuned in more when she asked that we would be “blessed to obey the laws of the land, and that we won’t let our kids ride their motorcycles on the road when they don’t have their licenses.” (This was part of her feud with the counselor.) She went on with “and bless us that when we eat our meals, we will not eat more than is needed, that we will not be gluttons.” (The counselor and his family were large people.)

    In a slightly loopy singles ward the sisters often complained that the priesthood brethren were not fulfilling their obligation to ask them (the sisters) out. In a F&T meeting a sister who was about to get married decided to chastise the brethren. She stood and angrily declared that she was “sorry to say that in a ward full of eligible bachelors, I had to go out and convert a spouse!” Reportedly, most of the sisters in the ward were quite pleased she had given us what-for. Of course, the brethren were quite pleased they had correctly avoided dating her.

    Comment #85 by BlahApril 24th, 2007 at 12:45 am

86. Please, don’t stop! We want more! This thread has had me laughing aloud, and I’m afraid I can’t add anything quite as what’s already up here.

    Comment #86 by meemsApril 24th, 2007 at 1:22 am

87. Moddy, dh served in the kingston(?) mission and returned in ‘96 I believe. His old mission is no more, having been split a couple times since waaaay back in the day, lol
    I remember a semi-active guy who once got up and started sharpening a HUGE hunting knife while he bore his testimony. It was, um, different. I thought weapons (firearms specifically) weren’t allowed in the church building? I was once chastized by an overzealous ward member just for having tattoo style revolvers as a decoration on my belt. I was just trying to hold up my skirt and that’s all I could find…..soooorry

    Comment #87 by mo mommyApril 24th, 2007 at 2:19 am

88. Oh the stories are legion…

    They divided my parents branch while I was gone on my mission. They found an older building that had once been some sort of protestant church and had been converted into a artist’s studio (the artist later joined the church…). The owner still used part of the building as living quarters, the part made available for meetings was just one big room with high ceilings.

    One of the first things that had to be done was to install a bathroom. For whatever architectural reason the bathroom was put in the front corner, between the makeshift podium/platform and the outerwall. There was a delay between the time that they installed the plumbing and walls (which didn’t reach to the ceiling) and the false ceiling.

    The effect was that there was a toilet, adjacent to the people sitting on the stand, with walls on four sides but no ceiling. This box opened up into the old church, acoustic space above it. If you listened carefully you could hear the toilet paper moving, never mind the more telling sounds of someone using the facilities. There might as well have been a microphone installed in the toilet bowl.

    Just to add to the ambiance, the RS president was scheduled to speak that week and was wearing a headband with felt reindeer antlers while sitting on the stand, I guess she was feeling festive.

    Comment #88 by MACApril 24th, 2007 at 4:26 pm

89. In a CA ward once there was a convert from overseas who got up to bear his testimony. He was very emotional as he said “Dis is da true shursh. I KNOW dis pecause I pray! I pelief Soseph Smiff was a prophet, Dis is true, dis is not bulls**t!” Needless to say he had a very strong conviction.

    Comment #89 by AugustineApril 24th, 2007 at 8:06 pm

90. ooh, augustine reminded me…

    an old ward had a MAJOR problem with how the ym dressed. untucked shirts to pass sacrament with the top button unbuttoned, loose ties, and so on. anyway, the ward mission leader spoke up in pec about it. the ym leader got WAY torqued and stood up, shouting, “well, i’ve seen your elders’ flat and it looks like s**t!” everyone was stunned and the ward mission leader quietly said, “call the mission president, they’re HIS elders.”

    Comment #90 by makakonaApril 24th, 2007 at 10:20 pm

91. Mo Mommy, dh served in Tempe 92-94.
    One of his favorite stories from his mission is at a funeral that was very well attended, with a lot of them attendies being nonmembers, the bishop got up to speak and during his talk mentioned that there were many resurrected beings in attendance at the funeral that day. And that he could see them.

    Comment #91 by moddyApril 24th, 2007 at 10:23 pm

92. The first counselor’s wife in one of my student wards at BYU was a treasure. She had discovered that oh-so-lucrative Secret years before it infected our world, informing the single women of our ward that if they simply taped a picture of a bride above their bed and looked at it each night, they would be married within the year. She also noted in Sacrament Meeting that it was women’s duty to “shut their yaps” and obey their priesthood leaders.

    I was visiting my parents’ ward when a newly reactivated lady got up to bear her testimony. She told us of how she was re-converted by a talking hummingbird. I guess if a donkey can talk for the good of the Kingdom, why not a hummingbird?

    My cousin worked at EFY when a girl in a testimony meeting proclaimed that she was unable to bear her testimony with words and proceeded to perform an interpretive testimony dance next to the pulpit.

    My sister’s first sacrament meeting talk was also memorable. She was about 12 years old, was very nervous, and kept referring to the Jews and the Genitals. Repeatedly. She didn’t hit the mark once. Everyone could tell how scared the poor thing was and to their credit I didn’t hear a single audible snicker, but there were many wide eyes and smiles. She was so befuddled that she had no idea what she’d done and my mother made us swear that we wouldn’t mention it to her. I kept my word for years until we were late in our teens and in a fit of anger I said, “I know something really embarrassing about you that you don’t know…” She wishes I hadn’t told her.

    This same sister had an encounter with the scrotum/sternum word similarity (though not in a church setting). In high school English the teacher was talking about how Poe felt that the words “cellar door” were the most beautiful in the English language and then had each student say what word they most love the sound of. One girl got up and said “My favorite word is scrotum.” When the class burst into laughter, she tapped her chest and said, “You know — scrotum! Scrotum!”

    Comment #92 by MarieApril 25th, 2007 at 1:32 am

93. My cousin worked at EFY when a girl in a testimony meeting proclaimed that she was unable to bear her testimony with words and proceeded to perform an interpretive testimony dance next to the pulpit.

    Best ever!

    Comment #93 by Susan MApril 25th, 2007 at 11:26 am

94. Okay, since we are sharing mission stories… I went to the Sendai Japan mission in the North and there was a man that came to SM every Sunday and he would write “cabbage” on pieces of wood and then raise his hand up as high as he could and hit himself on the head as HARD as he could. He also liked to tell the sister missionaries in his best English, “I rub you!” (I love you)

    I also taught a woman who LOVED coming to church because when she went into the church “the voices” would stop talking to her.

    When my mom lived in Montana she had a Primary counselor who didn’t believe in Joseph Smith. Everything else was fine, but she wouldn’t sing the Primary songs that sang about Joseph Smith.

    I also knew a Japanese Sister missionary on my mission who didn’t know who Joseph Smith was! She went home early. I guess some people fall through the cracks.

    Keep ‘em coming! I can’t get enough of these stories! They are AWESOME!

    Comment #94 by roster007April 25th, 2007 at 11:35 am

95. MAC, is your parent’s branch in North Virginia? Because my sister was in a branch that had the same bathroom set up. She said it was hilarious that while someone was in the middle of a sweet (or really bizarre) testimony a mom would just walk up onto the stand with a kid to take them potty, flushing noise and all would accompnay the “amen”.

    In a singles ward in Boise a man showed up and bore his testimony that he would be reunited with his illegitimate children and that we were all going to burn in the acid rain that was falling on our children. He cried the whole time and basically shouted at all the men for being too afraid to cry and that he was proud of his tears. He then hit on all the sisters in the ward and when he was rebuffed by all he stopped coming.

    In Saratoga, NY we had a lady get up in F&T and condemn the entire ward to hades because her daighter was asked to start attending Relief Society when she became pregnant at 17.

    In Seattle, WA we had several funnies. One gal got up and bore her testimony on organic food and she would bring her mice in a cage to Enrichment meetings (yuck). Another lady got up in F&T to tell us how she was blessed because she had found the gold chain that Joseph Smith was wearing when he died (she found it on the street). She said it was a sign and that she found fourteen more chains that day. She also told her VT that she would kill the VT’s husband because he had got her pregnant. She did a lot of other things too.

    In my current ward things are pretty quiet. A cute mistake though was when a youth speaker was giving a talk on bad language and he vehemently said “It just really SUCKS that kids have to use foul language” Adults were gasping but I don’t think he realized that what he said was foul (hee hee).

    Oh, and in another Boise ward we had a make out couple but they liked to leave their mark, as in hickeys. I served as librarian with this sister and one week I counted up to 9 hickeys. TUTLENECKS were invented for this people!

    I have ahd so much fun reading these =)

    Comment #95 by LizzyApril 25th, 2007 at 7:05 pm

96. Lizzy,

    No, not Northern Virginia.

    But you did remind me of another one.

    There was a woman who would bring a live hamster and plastic bedpan to church and let the primary kids practice baptizing.

    Apparently she had a whole apartment full of hamsters and when one died she would perform her own little necropsy.

    Comment #96 by MACApril 25th, 2007 at 7:21 pm

97. These are HILARIOUS!!! I have been laughing so hard at all these crazy people! Here’s my contribution: When a baby was being blessed, the nervous father accidently gave the baby the priesthood. All the men stopped and took their hands off the baby in silence so the grandfather waved both hands over the baby and said “undone”. Apparently that was good enough, because they continued on with the blessing. My best friend growing up was probably only 7 or so when she bore her testimony and said “and I hope Santa Clause is true.” I still tease her about that one. My favorite was when one of my 5 y.o. primary kids did a perfect headstand in one of the back pews while his parents were looking the other way. He stuck it for a good minute before they realized what was happening, and my husband and I were laughing uncontrollably. Good Times!!

    Comment #97 by AngieApril 26th, 2007 at 2:54 am

98. I have to admit I really liked that: “undone.” If only it would work for burnt dinners, bad paint choices, and potty-training accidents.

    Comment #98 by wynneApril 26th, 2007 at 7:08 pm

99. wynne pointed me to you. i am still laughing! my first time to your blog tonight (this post). i will be back definitely. i am still laughing. thanks for calling it.

    cheers

    Comment #99 by so grateful to be Mormon!April 27th, 2007 at 1:55 am

100. This is just hilarious stuff. Thanks.

     Comment #100 by danithewApril 27th, 2007 at 1:59 pm

101. My non-member wife thinks F&T meeting is the best meeting of all, usually because something crazy happens to break up the normal monotony that is SM.

     We have one particular sister that gets up every month and always has something interesting to say. A few of her greatest hits from the past two years:

     “Mothers, don’t ever say that you wish your children would grow up, because I’ve got a son that grew up to be a lousy good for nothing deadbeat, and you don’t want that.”

     “I have decided that I would like to serve a mission. But I don’t think its fair that older sisters have to be companions with younger sisters that they have nothing in common with. So I’ve been praying that Heavenly Father will send me a husband. I don’t think its too much to ask for. He doesn’t even have to be attractive, rich, or even treat me all that well, he just needs to be willing to serve a mission.”

     “Money, money, money!! Is that all this world cares about these days? I have a daughter that is pushing me to sell my house and give her the money because she doesn’t think I need it. Well I’ll tell you all one thing, it will be a cold day in HELL before she gets one cent!!”

     Awesome. And the next F&T meeting is only a few days away, can’t wait!

     Comment #101 by TalonApril 27th, 2007 at 2:18 pm

102. Seriously, the best blog I’ve ever read! I actually called my husband and read him some while he was at work. Ahhh. . . good times!

     Comment #102 by mommy to 3April 27th, 2007 at 2:46 pm

103. Wow some of these are really classic!! On my mission to the Dominican Republic a recently baptized family wanted their children to be blessed. One of the kids was about 11. Not only was he blessed but they actually held him in their arms, like they do with the babies! There was also a kid who was baptized and the missionaries could not manage to get him confirmed because he would play baseball on Sunday. They finally managed to do so, the kid was confirmed in his uniform with cleats on.

     Also here in utah we had a high councilman tell us that he was sure that Jesus could not hit a curveball!!

     Comment #103 by TylerApril 27th, 2007 at 2:49 pm

104. Can I chip in a few? These are greatest hits from fast-and-testimony meetings:

     (1) Stalwart woman attempts to express a good development in her marriage. The words she chooses: “This week my husband touched me. He touched me in a way that he hasn’t touched me since we were dating.” Apparently in that ward only my wife and I have sufficiently dirty minds to appreciate that. The chapel is silent as we both fight back laughter (not entirely successfully).

     (2) Convert (who also happens to be a homeless man) gives rambling testimony in which he describes getting trapped in a porta-potty during the torado that tore through SLC several years ago. Complete with poo-intensive descriptions of what happens when a porta-potty gets upended by a torado. The congregation is thrilled when he brings it all back around to “and that’s why I know the church is true!” After twenty minutes and a remarkable display of restraint, the bishop gently ushers him away from the pulpit. Our best friends in the ward blessed a baby that day. Their family (visiting from much more staid suburban Davis County wards) are apalled.

     (3) Woman bears testimony about how she knew it was right to marry her husband. “Lord,” she prayed as she drove, “if I should marry him, put some roadkill in the street around the next corner.” And roadkill there was! Poor guy.

     (4) Guy declares in his testimony that he no longer sleeps in same room with his wife. He later tries to backtrack, explaining that it has something to do with his alleged snoring. But it sounded like a cry for help to me!

     Comment #104 by S.P. BaileyApril 27th, 2007 at 3:21 pm

105. Back to the original posting . . .

     You may not all know that the seating in the Washington DC Temple endowment rooms is set up so that husbands and wives can sit next to each other. Instead of a middle aisle, there’s a small barrier on each row marking the two sides.

     One session my wife and I took the seats on either side of the barrier in the back row. There were four or five other couples who did something similar. The one closest to us, though, kissed at every possible opportunity. That included when they seperated to go to the seperate changing rooms.

     Comment #105 by John TaberApril 27th, 2007 at 3:52 pm

106. The memories keep flooding back.

     I remember moving to a small urban branch as a kid.

     There was a sister who’s daughter made chocolates out of her kitchen. For Easter she would make a bunch of chocolate lambs and bunnies and the sort. The mom would sneak out of Sacrament Meeting early, set up a table in the foyer (location is everything) so that everyone exiting had an opportunity to purchase some Easter candy.

     My mom would never let us buy any, which I always thought was unfair.

     Comment #106 by MACApril 27th, 2007 at 3:52 pm

107. I lived in a ward where a woman would occassionally come with a parakeet on her shoulder. I kind of liked it.

     Comment #107 by True StoryApril 27th, 2007 at 4:21 pm

108. selling cookies at church, that’s one I’d never heard of!!!

     Comment #108 by moddyApril 27th, 2007 at 4:22 pm

109. Keryn and Patata Brava - I can give first-hand confirmation that the dog lady is still alive and well in a certain ward here in Tucson. I know because I was in that ward. When we moved in, I asked someone about it and they said she used to bring in two dogs, one of which was not a small lap dog at all but a large one. But the Bishop or someone talked to her about it - at least they drew the line somewhere.

     Comment #109 by MonaApril 27th, 2007 at 4:33 pm

110. * My father’s nervous when speaking publicly. This caused him twice as a bishopric counselor to ask the ward to sustain the advancement of a young man “from a teacher to a preacher.”

     * One investigator on my mission told us he knew the Church was true after visiting SM — he had seen Joseph Smith walking around on the stand.

     * One of my parents’ friends told me about his mission to a southern state before escorts helped people through the temple for the first time. While visiting a member coulple, they told him that they’d been married in the SLC temple. As they talked further about it, he realized that they had gone through the endowment, passed through the veil, and gone straight home to start their family.

     * Not funny, but an example of how our culture can adapt. I heard a woman in a poor neighborhood tell in F&T about how her son was acting out on drugs in the middle of the street that week. Police had surrounded him when she arrived and one of the cops told her that if he didn’t settle down soon, they would start escalating the force the used to restrain him, which could result at least in serious injury to her son. His friend pulled up just then, jumped out of his truck and shouted for him to stand still and to hold his arms out from his sides. The son did this and the cops cuffed him without incident. This good sister then said, “and aren’t we in the Church lucky to have someone like the Prophet to tell us what to do so we can stay out of trouble.” Likened to their understanding!

     Comment #110 by manaenApril 27th, 2007 at 6:04 pm

111. S.P. Bailey…
     How the heck are you guys? I saw your post and KNEW it was the Bailey’s from our ward downtown. Kid you not, I was going to post that EXACT same story about Bro. Proctor and the tornado incident! Man those testimonies were always the best in the 4th ward! For those of you who never got the chance to experience testimony meeting with Bro. Proctor, he used to be a Southern Baptist from the south, so every testimony meeting, he would get up, yell into the pulpit, and pound his fists on the podium, and swear that the Book of Mormon was true! Those were the good ole’ days!
     Tell Andrea Hello from the Downers!

     Comment #111 by LizApril 27th, 2007 at 6:18 pm

112. I have nothing to match some of these. Some of the funniest moments I’ve had have been:

     -I’m in Primary as the pianist, and the counselor teaching sharing time is talking about forgiving. She says, as an example, “if your mom is zipping your jacket and gets your stomach with it.”

     Primary president’s little boy (4 y-o) helpfully pipes up, “one time my mom was zipping my pants up and got my pee-pee stuck in the zipper.”

     -Testimony meeting in the Bronx. Woman ends her testimony with “and you don’t need to take no sh*t from nobody.”

     -Bishop in the Bronx informs the priesthood that they shouldn’t listen to country music, as it will make them want to get drunk and commit adultery.

     -EQ lesson on how men need to take charge and not let their wives tell them what to do, and how women need to do what their husbands tell them, because God wants the men to be in charge.

     Comment #112 by KaimiApril 27th, 2007 at 7:06 pm

113. Must resist urge to join in -

     can’t -

     1. At her daughter’s mission farwell, one lady (I recall) gave a talk on how it was wrong to kill anything, including insects and vermin. She discussed how she lived in a run-down trailer overrun by roaches, rats and other assorted creepy crawlies.

     She put out some rat poison and roach traps, only to come home one day and find her cat dead from eating some of the rat poison. She realized that her cat’s death was God punishing her for trying to kill the rats, etc. So she made a deal with God: if all the rats and vermin stayed at one end of the trailer, she would leave them alone as long as she could have the other half.

     Then her daughter came up and wept at what a beautiful and touching story her mother had just given.

     2. One guy who was talking about the need to keep children quiet during meetings. He ended by saying “now those of you without children - you should heed this as well. I see too many of you making faces at other kids and getting them riled up.”

     So far, so good. Then he said: “It’s like this: I have a deal with my wife. If she won’t play with other people’s kids during sacrament meeting, I won’t play with her.”

     Everyone broke into laughter at that point, but it took him a few seconds before his face went red and he said “NO! Not like that….”

     Comment #113 by Ivan WolfeApril 27th, 2007 at 7:33 pm

114. On my mission I served it a ward that had more than its fair share of weirdos. We really had to worry about “Dan the Blessing Man” as we called him. He had been on LSD once and it did some damage. He would try to give blessings to everyone members, inactives, investigators and people on the street. His testimonies were very weird. Then there was a certain strange family. The rather large wife performed a belly dance for a ward talent show. She also said in the testimony that Christ was going to go to Africa first for the Second Coming. Needless to say, the members in this ward were very hesitant to invite friends to church. I didn’t blame them one bit.

     In another ward, the bishop blessed a baby with a nice blessing for a girl. The parents were very fidgety during the blessing, because their baby was a girl. The bishop then gave a similar blessing again for a boy. He was really embarrassed. Fortunately the parents were good sports about it.

     Comment #114 by rkApril 27th, 2007 at 7:41 pm

115. Funny stuff.

     In a singles ward a few years back, a new Relief Society President had been called because the old one had gotten engaged and would thus be leaving. After announcing who would be called, the Bishop then remarked, and we don’t know how long ______ will serve as RS President because she might get engaged too. “You know, miracles DO happen.” When he realized what he said, he turned red and started to stutter a bit.

     Comment #115 by Tim J.April 27th, 2007 at 7:43 pm

116. Correction: the baby that the bishop blessed was actually a boy.

     I also remembered going to a meeting in a rented build that the branch used. There were black and white pictures of nude women on the wall. No one besides the missionaries seemed to notice

     Comment #116 by rkApril 27th, 2007 at 8:06 pm

117. Miggy: “a love of fine cheeses” was probably “a love to find Jesus.”

     Comment #117 by BookslingerApril 27th, 2007 at 11:43 pm

118. I just found this awesome thread from the BCC sideblog. My favorites are the squirrel and the “undone.”

     I’ve seen lots of unintended expressions of the word “sex,” but I do have two specific stories to add to the collection.

     A sister in our ward was talking about her trip to Florida or some place. I forget why it was relevant, but she mentioned that she was searing thongs. After a moment she realized the double meaning and turned bright red.

     When I was a teenager, a single man who was a recent convert in his 20s spoke. His talk was all about his experiences at BYU. He would take girls out on dates, and invariably some time during the date they would caress his thigh. At first he thought it was sexual, but eventually he realized that they were checking for telltale signs of garments so as to figure out whether he was an RM (he wasn’t). So once he figured that out, he found a place that sold t-shirts with a low scoop neck, and he would put rubber bands on his thighs just above his knees, so the girls would caress his thighs and think he was wearing garments. And he got a lot of action that way.

     I swear to high heavens, this was his talk over the pulpit. We teenage boys paid more attention to that talk than to any other from our youth…

     Comment #118 by Kevin BarneyApril 27th, 2007 at 11:45 pm

119. Oops, that should be “wearing thongs.”

     And I assumed it was Kaimi who gave the blessing about fine cheeses.

     Comment #119 by Kevin BarneyApril 27th, 2007 at 11:47 pm

120. I’m thanking all of you for making me laugh tonight! These are great!
     My grandpa gave a baby blessing (not his own baby) and forgot what the name was. He looked out over the congregation, saw someone whose name he liked and used that name. Luckily the mother was a good sport (or maybe she just thought he was “inspired”).
     My DH was setting someone apart and he actually had to write the names down on his hands because there were so many names to remember.

     Comment #120 by Natalie S.April 28th, 2007 at 12:01 am

121. Not a SM incident, but a generation gap at work: my daughters were horrified to see that on the list of things to bring to YW camp last year was “rubber thongs to wear in the shower.”

     Comment #121 by IdahospudApril 28th, 2007 at 2:12 am

122. We had a nonmember guest attend SM with us once. It was the first (and maybe only) time he had ever attended. A young neighbor of ours was giving a talk on avoiding profanity. I think he may have been assigned that topic so that he would become better at it. His notes were on several small cards and he must have had them out of order or something because when he went from one card to the next he hesitated and started shuffling through the cards as if looking for the next words. He became so frustrated that he muttered, “Oh, sh*t!” Unfortunately, he had bent over to look better at the cards and his mouth was practically touching the microphone. Many of us, including our friend were fighting, mostly unsuccessfully, to stifle laughter. It was a meeting to remember.

     Comment #122 by NormanApril 28th, 2007 at 2:39 am

123. Some years ago our primary music conductor was a recently converted teenager. During the song practice some of the older primary boys were stood next to her supposedly to demonstrate singing the song. The one nearest to her started acting the fool so in the middle of conducting the song she gave him a sharp slap on the side of the head - she didn’t even miss a beat! He sure quietened down - fortunately the parents reckoned he deserved it!

     Comment #123 by AnnApril 28th, 2007 at 4:15 am

124. Can I another one? A young sister in my ward (about 15 years ago) received her mission call to Western Europe. The Bishop enthusiastically announced that Sister -Blank- received her call to the Lesbian, Portugal mission.

     Comment #124 by Patata BravaApril 28th, 2007 at 1:01 pm

125. Liz Downer,
     Hi! Great to hear from you. I know this sounds horrible, but I actually do a fairly convincing Brother-Proctor-bearing-his-testimony impersonation.

     Comment #125 by S.P. BaileyApril 28th, 2007 at 4:07 pm

126. This happened at a singles ward at Utah State. A sister came up rather quickly to the podium to bear her testimony first. The first words out of her mouth were, “I thought I would hurry and get up here before a whole butt-load of people came up”.

     Comment #126 by camilleApril 29th, 2007 at 12:53 am

127. I have to add a couple more. My sister lived in So Cal and her just released bishop was sitting with his family when their little boy started acting up. The dad stood up to take the boy out when the little guy yelled loudly, “No, Daddy don’t beat the sh*t out of me.” They came to the conclusion that these were the words the dad was whispering in the little guy’s ear. Also, my husband and I were doing a temple session where the older lady in front of me farted loudly every time she stood up and sat down. It was so distracting and even my husband could hear it from across the room. We were both trying so hard not to laugh at the poor woman. Needless to say, I didn’t get much out of that day.

     Comment #127 by AngieApril 29th, 2007 at 1:43 am

128. These are fabulous.
     My favorite fast meeting included a heartfelt and tearful testimony from a young wife bemoaning the difficulty she and her husband were having getting pregnant and her sorrow that she had “just worn her husband out.” Yes, now in brilliant red, he sat right beside her.
     My second favorite is a little bittersweet as it was one in which we blessed a child and the first Mormon meeting my mother ever attended. During a lull in the meeting, a sister rose to announce that she hated to see such valuable time go to waste so she might as well tell us about the vitamins she was now selling. Mom has never returned. But it could have been worse: my husband’s grandmother told us of a similar lull filled by a brother who announced his bull was at stud.
     My husband suggested I add the sacrament meeting in which a high councilor suggested with a straight face the children of the bishop’s daughter and her husband, all sitting in the front row, might not actually be the husband’s.

     Comment #128 by Molly BennionApril 29th, 2007 at 2:02 am

129. A couple of months ago, I guy returned to our singles ward in WA from a long stay in Utah and bore his testimony in F & T. He told everyone that the purpose of his testimony was for the Spirit to touch some sister in the audience with the desire to be his wife, and that he had faith that this would happen– and instructed whoever the girl might be to come find him after testimony meeting. He informed everyone that he wasn’t wearing his glasses that day, so his judgements wouldn’t get in the way in case she was unattractive.
     Needless to say none of the girls talked to him for a long time.

     Comment #129 by MelanieApril 29th, 2007 at 2:32 am

130. I finally thought of a good story to share. It involves not only a ward I was in, but my own family. My little brother didn’t like sitting still when he was little, and acted up in sacrament meeting a lot. When he did my dad would take him out in the hall and hold him on his lap with his arms around my brothers’ so that my brother was completely stuck. One time my brother decided he didn’t want to be taken out, and as my dad stood up with him he yelled (quite loudly), “Bishop, help!” Luckily the bishop was a family friend who knew that my brother wasn’t actually going to be abused or anything, and just laughed. My dad, on the other hand, was quite thoroughly embarassed.

     Comment #130 by VadaApril 29th, 2007 at 10:24 am

131. there’s a reason my husband calls it “fast and crazimony meeting,” i guess!

     in our current ward, one guy introduced himself in a talk as “the hot, single dad you want to introduce to all of your friends, not the bitter single dad with custody of his kids.”

     one elderly couple used to, every month, insist that the prophet driving a white car was indicative that we should ALL drive white cars “because if you crash your car off the side of the highway, they’ll be more likely to find you.” unless you’re in a snowstorm, i guess…?

     upon asking an (asian) investigator how church was, they said it was pleasant except for the man next to him who kept talking about “killing all the japs.” good ol’ brother timms, at it again! he was pretty far into senility. the bishop once had to visit the hospital to talk him into toe amputation because the toes were gangrenous and brother timms had threatened the medical staff if they came near him. his whole family (a good portion of the ward) moved to jackson county in 1999 to prepare for “y2k.”

     the confirmation in cleats isn’t so bad… my husband will likely be blessing our baby while he’s in full police uniform (he works sundays). whatever works, i guess!

     my father-in-law was inactive when he died. his funeral was held at the stake center and all speakers were buddies of his from work. they went on and on about drunken nights and bottles of booze stashed away in their government work vehicles. one guy quoted my father-in-law, complete with swear words. it was hilarious to watch the bishop’s face change colors. they’d asked before, out of respect, what was on and off limits and they were given a green light.

     what ARE the rules for blessing converts? i recently saw a six year old named and blessed.

     Comment #131 by makakonaApril 29th, 2007 at 5:30 pm

132. After reading all these comments it makes one wonder if there are any normal Mormons out there! Actually, our ward in Provo isn’t too incredibly strange. I loved the story of the guy who said the purpose of his testimony was for the Spirit to touch some girl’s heart and convince her she needed to marry him. It reminded me of a story of when I was in the MTC and there was an elder in my same branch who I didn’t know before the MTC and maybe spoke to once the entire time he was there who wrote me after he left and said that the Spirit had confirmed that he was supposed to write me on his mission. He added that he didn’t understand why, but he knew that I was supposed to write him, too, and that if I wanted to be obedient to the Lord I would do it. Then he drew a picture of two people (us, I guess) standing far apart, each holding the end of a rainbow that connected us, as if to represent our frienddship. It was one of the most bizarre thing that’s ever happened to me. Needless to say, I didn’t write him back. He must’ve thought that I was only on a mission because I couldn’t get married, so he’d take care of that for me.
     And to add to the Sacrament Meeting fun, I was in a single’s ward when the speaker was talking about Joseph and Potipher’s wife, and he said that when she tried to seduce him, Joseph didn’t even hesitate but he “ran like hell” to get out of there. He realized what he’d said over the pulpit and slowly turned to look at the bishop, and we all looked at him to see his response as well, but not even missing a beat he stood up next to the poor guy, put his arm around his shoulder, and with a sly smile said, “Well, that’s what he did.” We all erupted in laughter at that response.

     Comment #132 by StarababaApril 30th, 2007 at 12:29 am

133. Our bishop has been at a loss at how to bring some of the storytellers in line. Next month he is going to try something new. We will try a hymn-based F&T meeting, where everyone will be invited to discuss a favorite hymn and why it is important to them, after which we will sing one verse. As the organist, I am very interested in how this comes out. It has the potential to either be very good, or a source of more stories for this thread.

     Comment #133 by CS EricApril 30th, 2007 at 5:07 pm

134. CS Eric-

     My aunt’s ward does that every year, I think for the first F&T meeting of the year. She says it is always inspirational, mostly because you spend the entire sacrament meeting singing hymns, which is always uplifting.

     Comment #134 by Heather O.April 30th, 2007 at 6:18 pm

135. wow, i LOVE that idea for a “hymnal” f&t! i can’t wait to try it… i know our bishop will be on board as soon as he hears the idea! thanks for sharing, eric!

     Comment #135 by makakonaMay 1st, 2007 at 12:00 am

136. Had to laugh at the prayer to “not over eat.” I was in that meeting and laughed about it with the other teens in the ward.

     In our last ward, one sister shared her testimony of Chiropractic medicine. It had cured her cancer that her estranged husband had given her by mixing chemicals from Tooele Army Depot into her food for over 40 years. It also had “cured” her of the “physical and emotional scars of sexual abuse from 1948.” Talk about modern miracles.

     Comment #136 by JohnboyMay 1st, 2007 at 12:26 am

137. Oh dang! I just have to tell this story now.

     This was over a Christmas visit home to Green Bay, Wisconsin. All the Saints around here are either converted Lutherans, or Utahns who’ve made it long enough that they’ve become Lutherans by osmosis. Think Lake Woebegone, just with Mormon hymns.

     There was a lady who’d been going to the ward for a few months who everybody knew was a little funny (she’d dress all in white, Easter bonnet and everything, which was so very un-Lutheran). One day she got up and gave her testimony. Thankfully it was in Relief Society rather than F&T.

     During previous sisters’ testimonies, she’d interject little “Amen!”s and “That’s right, sister”s. Also not very Lutheran, but we understood and appreciated her enthusiasm. Then she got up and said she wanted to thank the Lord, ’cause he’d saved her in the city and saved her in the wilderness. (”Oh boy, another thankimony.”) He’d saved her from lions and tigers and Kodiak bears. (”Uh-oh.”) In fact, it was a little bit of a long story, but he had brought her powers back. You see, one time the doctor folks took a brain scan and said there was too much ultraviolet light in her brain, so they put her on these drugs that took it all away. Sadly, her powers had disappeared along with it. But ever since she’d been seeing the elders, her telepathy and her ESP had been coming back and things were getting right as rain again.

     Yeehaw! The best part was the investigator in the room, of which we have approximately .25 per year. Also the Spanish-speaking sisters- we didn’t have a Spanish branch yet, so a brother in the ward sat in on Relief Society and would translate over headsets. A couple were sitting behind him, and when the translation got really wonky they gave him a couple whacks on the shoulder since they figured it was his fault.

     Now that I got thinking, there was something else bizarre going on that Sunday. Here we go: Brother and Sister X had about 8 or so kids, then got divorced. Dad moved to Salt Lake, mom and kids stayed in Green Bay. Kids grew up. One daugher went on a mission to Temple Square, where she ran into her dad and was prompted to introduce him to somebody she knew out there. We’ll call her Ms. Y. Brother X and Ms. Y get married. Brother X comes back to Green Bay with Ms. Y in tow to visit the famiiily (apparently he and Sister X were on fairly good terms at this point).

     Brother X proceeds to tell the story of meeting Ms. Y, and about how it “really gets down to the core of my testimony.” In front of the ex-wife, and all his kids. Honestly this story weirds me out more than the crazy lady, ’cause at least she had an excuse for socially inappropriate behavior.

     Comment #137 by Ms TaberMay 1st, 2007 at 1:26 am

138. Once in my single’s ward, a sister got up and bore her testamony about her “lingerie shopping” the previous day.

     Once in my dh’s home ward, the closing prayer turned into a five minute rant asking the Lord to stop “the bell” that would ring during the sacrament. Mostly I felt sorry for the guy, clearly he wasn’t all there.

     Comment #138 by fMhLisaMay 1st, 2007 at 2:09 am

139. A well-meaning Primary teacher opened a sharing-time discussion of the priesthood by asking the kids to name that special thing that only boys get to have that starts with a p.

     Whoops.

     Comment #139 by EveMay 1st, 2007 at 2:59 am

140. I started my primary lesson a few weeks ago with a round of hang man. The word my nine-year-olds had to solve: compassion. The first two letter guesed? “A” and “S.”

     Father: what did you learn about in primary today?
     Son: Ass! I mean, compASSion!

     Comment #140 by S.P. BaileyMay 1st, 2007 at 3:17 am

141. My brother goes to BYU and he’s in the same ward as Donny Osmond’s son. The Osmond kid was giving a talk in sacrament meeting about service and his talk had this analogy in it “Service is like peeing your pants. Everyone knows you did it, but only you get that warm feeling.” Quite hard to focus on the rest of the meeting with that lovely image going through your head.

     Comment #141 by fluffychickyMay 1st, 2007 at 10:44 am

142. fluffychicky-
     I heard that analogy years ago in seminary. I’m glad it’s still floating around!

     This is the best thread ever…I love reading more stories everyday! It’s awesome…

     Comment #142 by CherylMay 1st, 2007 at 12:44 pm

143. I just was blog hopping and found your site. I hope you don’t mind it I add a story of my own.

     A previous bishop of my home ward felt overly comfortable in our ward and must have felt he was the exception to the rule. Every F&T meeting he would give a legnthy travel log and tell story after story.

     One week he was asked to give a talk, and he started off by announcing it was his birthday, and then proceeded to sing himself “Happy Birthday” in front of the entire congregation. After realizing it was someone elses birthday in the ward, he apalogized and then resang the song again for them as well.

     My family was dying as we hung out heads to hide our faces of disbelief, as my brother leaned over and asked if he should raise his hand and remind him it was his birthday too.

     Comment #143 by holleyMay 1st, 2007 at 1:01 pm

144. Some of these comments make me realize how comfortable people get in their home wards. They really are acting in the casual way you’d expect someone to act in his/her own private home - rather than in a respected and public sacred space.

     Comment #144 by danithewMay 1st, 2007 at 2:57 pm

145. My sister sent me the link to this and Ive been cracking up all day long. I think the squirrel one is the best so far.

     After reading about the couple making out and leaving hickeys,I had to write.

     When I was a Laurel in YW’s our advisor was divorsed and dating her now current husband. One sunday we noticed she had come to church with a hickey on her neck. I cant remember what the lesson was that day as we all just stared at it. I dont think it was on morality though.

     Comment #145 by superspouseMay 1st, 2007 at 5:04 pm

146. People: Am I the only person who will admit to lots of kisses and backrubs with my spouse during SM? And at least once accidentally going to a church w/a hickey (sans turtleneck)?
     Note: The one time I knew I went w/a hickey, one of my friends commented on my unusual “birthmark” (oops!)

     Comment #146 by pilgrimgirlMay 1st, 2007 at 7:38 pm

147. So very funny.

     My husband and I have been going through our plethora of funny SM experiences, and here are the winners:

     My husband’s little brother was ticked off about something during the sacrament, hiding under the pew. As his siblings tried to get him up to take the sacrament he screamed at the top of his lungs, “I’m not hungry!”

     Two deacons in our ward taught our three year old how to hold up his middle finger at people, and he proudly displayed his new skill during SM the next week as he flipped off the bishopric. He did it for about ten seconds before we noticed. Humiliating.

     A lady got up and bore her testimony for about thirty minutes. When she finally sat down the ward let out a collective sigh of relief. About two minutes later, she got back up, walked up to the pulpit again and announced, “I forgot to say something…”

     This old man in our ward stood up and started off his testimony with, “I hate it when people say g**d**** it, but I REALLY hate it when people say g**d*** it all to hell.”

     Two teachers I work with told me that a guy came to to their singles ward in Logan wearing a black hood. Disturbing as that was, everyone tried to ignore it. However, the guy got up in the middle of a talk, slowly walked up to the front and stood behind the guy giving the talk- just staring at him. Everyone got really scared, and finally he left. Hmmmm.

     If you think AZ is weird, try living in a military ward out in the “mission field.” Our first Sunday in our new ward in Omaha, the bishop got up after SM meeting and motioned to the ushers to shut the doors like a mafia boss signaling his cronies to do somebody in. He then leaned over and spoke with a deep, scary voice into the microphone: “I know what happened last night…..and if you don’t think I’ll cancel every athletic event in this ward, you’re wrong.” We were terrified, and we didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. Later, in a combined P/RS mtg, he came in and announced that, “There is a lot of porn in this ward, and I’m SICK of it!”

     Finally, and this is the most unbelievablly sad and yet simultaneously hilarious thing I’ve ever heard, a crazy lady in my husband’s ward announced from the pulpit that God had revealed she was supposed to break up this guy’s marriage. Immediately after SM she went out into the foyer, stood in front of the man and his family, and proceeded to lift up her skirt and display herself in all her glory to them. Needless to say, it was a revelation to everyone.

     One time, a lady in our ward who looked like Jabba the Hut got up to speak. She looked from side to side slowly like she was scanning her kingdom and my husband leaned over and laughed (quietly) exactly like Jabba the Hut does when he has Hans Solo in the hyperbaric chamber. I started laughing so hard that I couldn’t breathe. Then he started laughing too and we thoroughly disgraced ourselves.

     Church is funny sometimes. So very, very funny……

     Comment #147 by Mormon Pope LadyMay 2nd, 2007 at 12:46 am

148. My daughter is starting to potty-train and she likes to wear underwear over her diaper. Well, we were in SM (it was the “farewell” of the Bishop’s son that day so the congregation went 1/2 way into the gym) and she was rummaging around in the diaper bag and found a spare pair. My daughter then held the underwear high above her head and shouted “Look mama! Pannniieeeess!” Everyone around us started to snicker and giggle and I grabbed the offending article of clothing and stuffed it back in the diaper bag. Well, my daughter would have nothing of that and started to scream “Mama!!! I neeeed my paannniieeess!! Please gimme myyyy paaannniiees!” Then she started to sob like I had stolen her favorite toy. It was just a dandy experience.

     Comment #148 by fluffychickyMay 2nd, 2007 at 9:00 am

149. poor fluffychick! that reminded me of when my daughter forgot to put underwear when she got dressed for church. we always sit in the front, right in front of the bishop, and we didn’t notice till she had pulled her knees to her chest and we (along with several other people) actually SAW that she hadn’t any underpants on! aack!

     and they once LOUDLY argued about the word placenta during general conference. we were in the stake center and the only other people there were missionaries and elderly folks. lovely.

     Comment #149 by makakonaMay 2nd, 2007 at 5:20 pm

150. My son is no better you know…this one happened after church, but it still counts. My daughter had lost one of her earrings in nursery and her leader was lucky enough to find it and she brought it over to our house right after church. Well, right when I answered the front door, my son decided that it was a good time to strip and go running around the house slapping his own naked butt yelling “Yeehaw!” I thought the nursery leaders eyes were going to pop out of her head.

     Comment #150 by fluffychickyMay 2nd, 2007 at 5:47 pm

151. …stood in front of the man and his family, and proceeded to lift up her skirt and display herself in all her glory to them.

     Who-o-o-o-a.

     If we are going to go on the potty-training tangent…well, we once lost a bit of poo at church on the way to the bathrooms from SM. Once we got to the restrooms and I found the offensive thing was missing, I looked and looked and over the place but couldn’t find the dumb thing anywhere.

     Um, if you were the one to find it, I’m really, really sorry.

     Comment #151 by wynneMay 2nd, 2007 at 7:39 pm

152. I have been reading and laughing for days now, and my son just reminded me about his sister.

     In nursery one week, she exchanged underwear with her best friend. Nobody knew about it until we got home and noticed she was wearing someone else’s panties.

     Comment #152 by RayMay 2nd, 2007 at 7:56 pm

153. Ok, this just reminded me of my three favorite kids-in-church stories. Two of which are from when I was the Sunbeam teacher.

     We were doing the SM program, and the sunbeams were supposed to say, with my help, and cute little sentence about a picture they were holding. They each took turns going with me to the little free mic in the corner of the stand. One of the kids was, well, a little big of a challenge. He stood at the mike, I whispered in his ear (I was crouched down by his side) what he should say. He then grabbed the mic, growled loudly into, tackled me in my skirt to the ground and starting biting my neck like an animal. The ward didn’t stop laughing for several minutes.

     During sharing time, the primary president remarked to the kids that they were ’so smart’. One precocious child in my class screamed out “my mom says I’m a smart ass!”. The prez was appalled when I started laughing out loud.

     And finally…my favorite ever…My nephew was getting restless during the closing prayer in SM and so my sister whispered in his hear that church was almost over. Excited, he then sang very loudly “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!” Many audible snickers were heard, including the individual giving the closing prayer.

     Comment #153 by VeritasMay 3rd, 2007 at 12:11 am

154. My 5 year old daughter decided to get mad at me during the quietest part of SM and yell, “MOMMY! DON’T TOUCH ME!” and then a few minutes later, “MOMMY! I DON’T LIKE YOU!”
     Later on before Sunday School started I asked a sister who sits on the other side in SM if she could hear my daughter yell. She said, “Yes I heard it and I immediately looked around for my own daughter but, it wasn’t her… whew!”

     Comment #154 by roster007May 3rd, 2007 at 1:57 am

155. These potty training stories remind me of my nephew during the annual Primary sacrament meeting program. He understood that he wasn’t supposed to pee in his pants anymore, but pull his pants down and go, but he hadn’t quite got the part where you only go into the toilet. There he was, on the front row of kids on the stand, when he felt the urge, pulled down his pants and relieved himself.

     Comment #155 by CS EricMay 3rd, 2007 at 11:15 am

156. My hubby’s best friend was teaching the sunbeams during Easter time. He asked if anyone knew what Easter was celebrating. One little boy proudly declared “Jesus’ Erection!” The teacher just said, “Yes, Jesus’ RESurrection. Very good.”

     Comment #156 by MiggyMay 3rd, 2007 at 3:05 pm

157. You’re moving? =(

     Comment #157 by Tammy and ParkerMay 4th, 2007 at 3:43 pm

158. I have been returning to this often and it is hilarious! There is a books’ worth of material here!
     In a friend’s ward in Spanish Fork, she was teaching a primary class and during her lesson asked the kids about any nicknames they have (can’t remember what the lesson was about). One kids says “my parents call me ’shiffer brains’”. Hilarious and yet terribly, horribly sad!

     Comment #158 by JessicaMay 4th, 2007 at 5:05 pm

159. As a Santaquin-raised graduate of Payson High School, I must remind you that Jessica’s example comes from Spanish Fork.

     (I recognize the urge to respond that such a comment might generate and can only plead for more understanding and restraint than I showed. Also, I was the first, so anyone replying in kind is merely a copycat. So, there!)

     :-)

     Comment #159 by RayMay 4th, 2007 at 6:13 pm

160. As long as the talk is about “naughty” kids. During my mission there was a family in northern New Hampshire that had absolutely NO control of their kids. After the meetings the kids would go running through the trees screaming and yelling at each other, usually about how they were going too kill each other. One Sunday we were leaving the chapel when a car drove in. It was the gentleman who lived closest to the church about .25 mile away. He got out of his car, walked over to where we were standing and asked if “Someone could please get those kids to be quiet.” Turns out he was having a wake for a dead realative and the kids were disturbing it.

     In another area, a kid that had just been baptized walked to the top stair of the font, turned around, let out a huge Tarzan yell, and did a near perfect swan dive back into the font.

     Comment #160 by JohnboyMay 6th, 2007 at 5:38 pm

161. During the sacrament today I heard coming from the back of the chapel, “I WANT MY DADDY! I WANT MY DADDY!” Turns out her daddy was holding her.

     Comment #161 by Natalie S.May 6th, 2007 at 8:38 pm

162. These are getting funnier by the day!! LOVE the animal attacking the teacher! Two weeks ago my 2 y.o. was especially rowdy in SM and let out a gargantuan burp that the whole overflow heard and laughed at. Then, he threw a plastic doorstopper into the air, which hit the light switch, leaving us in darkness. I was smacking my DH to go get him as he was laughing out loud. At least the kid has good aim.

     Comment #162 by AngieMay 10th, 2007 at 2:33 am

163. In Sunday School class there was a sister who is on oxygen sitting behind me. Several times during class her oxygen machine was making farting sounds.

     Comment #163 by BookslingerMay 14th, 2007 at 4:15 pm

164. I apologize for printing under anonymous:

     Last week in Sunday School, our teacher asked if someone ever had an experience where they were in any physical or extreme danger over their testimony. The teacher was referring to the New Testament where the man born blind was healed by Christ and then put under amazing scrutiny and threats. Note that the teacher did not say “Testimony of Christ” but just “testimony.”
     This elderly sister behind me raised her hand and went on about this UFO sighting she experienced down the street from our building and how nobody believed her and others were denying it, etc. The teacher, very seriously asked “And how did this strengthen your testimony?” and she went on to say how she had to defend herself about the UFO. Everybody in the class was wide-eyed and just trying so hard not to laugh –the poor teacher was, well, speechless and graciously moved on after this lady’s “testimony”.

     Comment #164 by AnonymousMay 14th, 2007 at 6:41 pm

165. On Mother’s Day Sunday we had a HC speaker and he had called several men in the ward to write letters to their wives for him to read over the pulpit. While reading one he said “The first time I laid my wife - I mean, the first time I laid EYES ON my wife….” The bishopric was trying so hard not to laugh and were bright red and one had tears running down his face trying to keep from bursting out laughing!

     Comment #165 by RubiaMay 16th, 2007 at 1:03 pm

166. My sister-in-law has a 3-year-old son. One day in SM he stood up on the bench during the final speaker’s talk and yelled at the top of his lungs, “I want you to stop talking, so say “Amen” and sit down!”

     My sister-in-law told us she would have told everyone she knew about “the funniest thing she ever heard in church” - if it had been any other child.

     Comment #166 by MIchelleMay 19th, 2007 at 5:59 pm

167. This is great! The stories are hilarious! It is nice to see a good clean blog about things we see in our Sacrament Meetings. The two couple kissing..that’s not nice…I would’ve politely walked over there and kindly whispered to them to please take it outside or just go home……my boys would’ve noticed it and they surely would’ve just loudly commented on them kissing….

     Keep those funny stories coming! I just found this site and will be returning to check out the new stories!
     Thanks!

     Comment #167 by linaMay 29th, 2007 at 1:30 am

168. I have been CRYING from laughing so hard reading these!

     Here are two that I have heard second hand from a good friend of mine. If anyone is from Livonia, Michigan, you can verify if they are true.

     In one SM, the bishop got up with a little girl who had just been baptized and said, “Now your daddy is going to give you the Gift of the Holy Ghost because he has something very special that starts with a P.” The little girl replied “A penis?” Without missing a beat, the bishop said, “Yes, AND the Priesthood!”

     Another time, the ward was singing the national anthem because it was the 4th of July. At the end of the song, one of the bishop’s kids in the back yelled out, “Play Ball!”

     Comment #168 by AndreaRMay 29th, 2007 at 4:24 am

169. […] I live in Arizona. I had never seen this kind of sacrament meeting before moving here. We already know that Arizona is strange; I was wondering where else it has been done, or where it might have originated. If your ward hasn’t ever had a sacrament meeting like this, you might suggest it to your bishop. He may be thrilled to get to schedule a meeting that doesn’t require scheduling speakers, although it does ask a lot of the organist or pianist and chorister. […]

     Pingback #169 by Zelophehad’s Daughters » Blog Archive » Hymns by request in sacrament meetingMay 29th, 2007 at 6:06 am

170. The story about the bishopric trying not to laugh reminded me of a classic from my ward growning up. A family had recently moved to our MN ward from TX, and to welcome/introduce them to our (small) ward, they were asked to participate in a SM. The mother and father both spoke, and their two small boys (about 5 and 7, I think) sang a primary song while their mom played the piano for them. They sang “Nephi’s Courage,” and it was the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. They sang “I will go, I will do,” with this enormous Texas drawl (I’m not even sure how to reproduce it in print), and in the short piano interludes the older boy would hit the younger one and whisper (very loudly) “Sing louder, Ty, sing louder!” The younger one would then hit the older one and say “I am, Quentin, I am!” at which point it would be time for them to sing again and they would turn back to the congregation and sing out “I will go, I will do…” Perhaps the funniest part is that both the bishop and the first counselor were mostly deaf and had their hearing aids turned down, so they had no idea what was going on. My dad was the second counselor and bit his finger so hard it bled trying to keep from laughing. He knew if he lost it the entire congregation would.

     Comment #170 by VadaMay 29th, 2007 at 4:03 pm

171. LOL w/ TRDMF

     This is a great collection of stories from all over Mormondom. A few to add.

     Offensive: During a session at the SLC temple, the group ahead of us was running long and so we were stuck in a room waiting to move on. It drags on a little and, just after having made covenents not to, the guy in front of me take’s the Lord’s name in vain in describing how long we are having to wait.

     Exposure: While on a mission in the Philippines, a sister got up to say the closing prayer, she had just been nursing her baby. It is common there to lower the neck of the shirt to nurse and she forgets to ‘tuck in’. She walks to the front of the meeting, folds her arms, realizes that she isn’t modest, tucks it in, bows her head and prays.

     New Convert: In MI ward, a new member bore his testimony that if we would buy a bus ticket for him to get to Boston, he had a contract to play center for the Celtics. He was wearing an Allen Iverson 76′ers jersey, was at least 350, and no taller than 6′.

     Funny: In our married BYU ward, the primary president had posted a sign on the pulpit for our primary program that said, no joke, “Don’t Laugh at the Children”. Aparently there had been problems in the past with the congregation losing it over the little things kids can do. All goes well for most of the program when, a few minutes before the end of the meeting, a boy at the microphone whispers back to his mom who was prompting him “I have to go pee.” Sign, or no sign, the results were predictable.

     PS If you don’t call it the ‘mission field’, I wont call it the Zion Curtain.

     Comment #171 by emensiMay 29th, 2007 at 6:58 pm

172. My two-year-old daughter used to hang over the edge of the pew and hold out her arms, begging the deacons for more bread, yelling in her best Oliver Twist voice, “Please! Please!”

     Another kid in our ward took the sacrament bread one time, ate it, and pronounced loudly enough for all to hear, “Mmm! Tastes like chicken!”

     A woman bore her testimony about the evils of partial-birth abortion. She went into extreme gory detail. I had my hands over my daughter’s ears, and was breathing deeply, trying not to pass out. There was a lot of banging around in the back of the chapel, where people were stumbling out, presumably trying to get to the restrooms, or at least somewhere they could decently put their heads between their knees. Finally the brand-new bishop got up and asked her to stop. She said, “Oh. Well, anyway, I know that abortion is wrong.” and sat down.

     One of my best friends served a mission in Argentina. During a SM close to Christmastime, the branch president brought a Christmas tree into the chapel, and the members all took out their wallets and began throwing them at the tree. Then the branch president got up and said, “God is great. Buddah is great, too.”

     Comment #172 by daltongirlMay 30th, 2007 at 11:27 am

173. I’m so glad the weirdness is turning out to be not just an Arizona thing, but I have to add another Tucson story. (Maybe I’m trying to adjust the balance back in Arizona’s favor? I love living here, weirdness and all.)

     My dad swears that once, thirty years ago when I was about three, he had to carry me out of SM during the passing of the Sacrament because I refused to be quiet. As he was carrying me toward the back of the chapel, I started to scream, “Don’t beat me, Daddy, don’t beat me! Please don’t beat me! I’ll be good!”

     I can only imagine how mortified he must have been and the stifled laughter that was probably going on around the congregation.

     And now I’m going to forward him this site, because he will laugh, laugh, laugh at the rest of these stories.

     Comment #173 by KaraSuMay 31st, 2007 at 2:41 pm

174. Reading this has really brightened my day.

     Talking about little kids, I have a niece who was about 2 or 3 at the time and had just been learning about how the sacrament represented Jesus Christ. She was visiting her Grandma’s ward in Utah and was sitting by her very proper adult uncle, Michael, when they began passing the sacrament. She saw this and in a very loud voice tried to convey her new knowledge to Michael by exclaiming, “Jesus Christ, Michael, Jesus Christ.” Needless to say, Michael’s head quickly disappeared below the top of the pew.

     While I was Primay President here in Utah, we had a little non-member girl about 5 visiting our ward on Father’s Day. The lady doing sharing time asked the group what kinds of things they could do today to show their dad they loved him. The visiting girl eagerly raised her hand and when called on proudly proclaimed, “I’d just go to the fridge and get him a cold beer.” It was a good thing I was at the back of the room because I had to cover my mouth to muffle the laughter.

     Another sharing time we were discussing the Word of Wisdom and asking what things the WOW told us to avoid. A 6 year old boy told us with great emphasis that we should never ever use tabasco sauce. I’m not quite sure if he had a bad experience with it or had it confused with something else, but luckily I was in the back of the room again.

     Comment #174 by NopeteMay 31st, 2007 at 6:35 pm

175. Not quite a crazy ward story, more a crazy Primary story. In Northern Virginia, during Sharing Time, singing time leader was trying to get the junior primary children to name the song “Pioneer Children Sang as They Walked”. When she asked, “What did pioneer children do?” a boy in my class said, in an exasperated voice, “They walked and walked and walked and then they died.”

     Unfortunately, truer words were never spoken. His mother, in the presidency, and I laughed for the next twenty minutes.

     Comment #175 by OliverJune 1st, 2007 at 11:53 pm

176. From Northern Virginia: During FT meeting, a brother from Utah (NOTE: I am not claiming ownership of this guy … to use a phrase from another comment, he’s from behind the Zion Curtain) stood up and bore his testimony on the special gift he was given: he remembers his birth and the pre-mortal existence, complete with details of remember the birthing room at the hospital, etc. I always prayed there were no investigators when he stood to bear his testimony.

     Comment #176 by OliverJune 1st, 2007 at 11:56 pm

177. Reading these have made laugh so long and hard. Loved it.

     I grew up in Tucson,AZ but never met the dog lady. Craziness is all relative. Growing up, I thought we were normal and the Utah relatives were the crazies. (Mom, how come they drink iced tea and coffee in Utah?)

     My sacrament story has to do with my youngest son Ben. I can’t remember whether it was in Provo or here in Oregon. But I was the ward organist and had 4 young children whom I had sit on the stand with me. One SM I went to the organ and was playing the intro for the closing hymn, when out of the corner of my eye I could see something…. Young son Ben (age 4 or 5) always took his shoes off because his feet got hot. He had recently learned to stand on his head at his gym class.

     There he was on the back row of the EMPTY choir seats, standing on his head–bare feet rocking back and forth.

     I’m not sure which was more entertaining, me trying to play the organ with one hand while trying to get my other kids’ attention and pointing to Ben with the other hand. Finally one of the older kids saw him and got him down. Those members of the ward who saw it have never forgotten.

     Comment #177 by KatybirdJune 2nd, 2007 at 12:58 am

178. It’s a little late to post on this, but I’m going to cross-link to this thread on the blog I write for. But I have a story from my sister’s relief society meeting. One sister was asked to read something from one of the teachings of the presidents manuals and every time she got to “sexual immorality” she read it as “sexual immortality.” According to my sister quite a number of sisters were wondering how to gain this gift.

     Comment #178 by FenevadJune 2nd, 2007 at 10:31 pm

179. […] Thanks to frequent commenter Jessawhy, I have a link to a great list of funny sacrament meeting stories over on Mormon Mommy Wars. I think that this posting has a lot of relevance to Glenn’s recent posts on Mormon humor. Like any group, Mormons have their own genres (or types) of stories, that have some overall similarity in structure such that we can recognize them as a group. Many of the stories exemplify the incongruity theory that Glenn has discussed. I think most members have stories that fit the “sacrament meeting horror story” genre. Other genres include the “how I knew I was supposed to marry my wife/husband” and the “mission companion from hades.” […]

     Pingback #179 by Mormon Folklore » Blog Archive » Genre and LDS storiesJune 2nd, 2007 at 10:45 pm

180. Yesterday, in SM a sister was reciting her latest travels and was so grateful that her legs didn’t give out on her while she was doing so much walking. She explained that it is because she has been walking around the neighborhood, and has become a street-walker. Having grown up amidst many a “street-walker,” I had to bite my lip, but my shoulders were unstoppable.

     Comment #180 by MamasolJune 5th, 2007 at 12:05 am

181. […] the things that happen in church I came across this discussion at Mormon Mommy Wars - the crazy things people have seen happen in church.  Genius! […]

     Pingback #181 by the things that happen in church « B+June 5th, 2007 at 2:32 pm

182. The Hyde Park ward in London has quite a few African immigrants, and they’re renowned for monopolizing F&T meetings. They usually wear authentic robes (with matching turbans) and have been known to speak for more than half an hour, sing all 4 verses of their favorite hymns, say their (really long) testimony in English and then translate it for anyone who was hoping for a bilingual experience, etc. Kinda neat that there’s a venue for such expressions of faith, but tiresome if you’re in the congregation listening to the same thing month after month.

     Comment #182 by aadrwJune 6th, 2007 at 12:06 am

183. I was attending the Primary Christmas program at a ward in Europe where many African members attended. The two children playing Mary and Joseph were also African and Mary was holding a doll representing Jesus. In the middle of SM a 5 year old yells: “Why is Jesus white?” So funny!!

     Comment #183 by TaraJune 6th, 2007 at 5:40 pm

184. Fantastic, thanks for the laugh !!!!!!!!!!

     Comment #184 by CherylJune 7th, 2007 at 11:01 am

185. “Why is Jesus white?”

     … ah from the mouths of babes. Made me smile lots!

     Comment #185 by bpositiveJune 7th, 2007 at 5:51 pm

186. My brother sent me a link to this particular page and I laughed so hard. I can definitely relate. I LOVE my current ward but served a mission in Colorado and had some interesting experiences in some of the wards out there. I’d like to add this blog to my blog link list if you don’t mind. That way it makes it easy for me to check in and read your blogs. Fun stuff!

     Comment #186 by KamiJune 8th, 2007 at 4:40 pm

187. […] My brother sent me this link today for a laugh: http://www.mormonmommywars.com/?p=659 and after reading the blog and about half the responses I was laughing pretty hard and wanted to write my own blog about this topic. You really ought to click on the link and read the blog. It’s hilarious! If you don’t, I’ll just say that the blogger had paid a visit to a strange ward in Arizona while she was scoping out houses and noticed a couple near her who couldn’t stop kissing. In the hour and ten minutes of sacrament meeting the couple had kissed fourty-one times and the speaker was talking about “How to be a man” which was not only completely bizarre for a gospel subject but inappropriate for the congregation which was loaded with women. Those who read this blog also responded with similar stories of the bizarre and inappropriate moments they experienced. Here are a few of mine that make me laugh. Feel free to share your stories. […]

     Pingback #187 by God is laughing at me » Blog Archive » Strange Sacrament MeetingsJune 14th, 2007 at 11:13 pm

188. One of my favorites from one of my old wards:

     A woman had been reading a lot in her bible recently. She had been particularly struck by some description of women covering their heads with scarves. She pulled out an example of one she had started and informed us that she had begun to make one for each woman in the ward.
     Isn’t it sweet when someone makes presents for each sister of the RS?

     Comment #188 by jane doughJune 17th, 2007 at 2:42 am

189. ok, I know I’m new, and I’ve written A LOT, but I just love ya’ll and being that I’m a native southerner, I got a few good ones too, but here’s my best:
     When hubby and I were dating, we’d alternate between the wards of our families (no single’s wards in NW Florida) so I go with him to his parent’s ward (2 hrs from where I lived) and being F&T meeting, we had time in RS for testimonies too (which I am not a big fan of, wasn’t an hour of pain enough?) so I’m sitting there with my future MIL in RS when the RS president gets up and gives this storimony that went something to the effect of:
     one night several years ago, her son’s friend called and wanted her son (the pres’) to sleep over. the RS President felt like she just wanted every one home that night and so she told her son no, that she felt like he needed to be home. well, later that night, the boy who invited her son- their family’s house burnt down and the boy, her son’s friend, died saving his family. (just wait it’s comming) so I’m thinking she must be thankful for her prompting…. right???
     Wrong. She then plows on ahead to say that she now knows through deep soul searching and revelation that her (now inactive and aparantly troublesome adult) son was supposed to have died in that fire with his friend, because back then he was pure and his soul would have been safe with the Lord, and now because of her selfish choice to keep all her family home that fated night, her son’s soul was lost forever, when all the Lord wanted to do was to take him and keep him safe from the sins he would eventually commit.
     and I’m sitting there… and looking around… and everyone looks totally normal, as if this was the most natural conclusion to come to! As soon as we were alone, I declared to my hubby that we were NOT ever going to live in his parent’s ward
     (there have been other stories too- like shouting matches in GD over differing points of view on the topic)

     this, and many more exciting stories are why my hubby and I call F&T Meeting
     “Open Mike Sunday”

     P.S. My In Laws are normal, unlike the rest of the ward.

     Comment #189 by ashleyJune 19th, 2007 at 1:55 am

190. Oh I’m going to get in trouble. I’ve been reading this at work and it is so hard to stifle the laughs! I just couldn’t resist though and had to add a few of my own.

     Once while doing Sharing Time in Primary I asked the kids to list some commandments. One little girl got so excited and said, “Thou shalt never, ever, ever elope.” And another Sharing Time I asked what a “peacemaker” was. This little 4 yo boy on the front row jumped up and said, “I know, I know, it’s a snake.” Then he proceeded to throw himself on the floor and wriggle around demonstrating to everyone how to be a peacemaker.

     My uncle is a bishop in Oregon and one Sunday this old heavy lady on crutches got up to bear her testimony and started out by saying she wanted to talk to the children. She then proceeded to tell the children that their parents lie to them and the church isn’t true and the President Hinckley had hired a hitman who has tried to kill her. She started getting a bit hysterical and some mothers quickly escorted their children out. As the first counselor led the woman out of sacrament meeting. Now, here’s the funny part. My uncle got up and said, “well, now you know her story isn’t true because there’s no way a hit man would miss her.” Talk about dispelling the tension!

     Then of course, there’s always the story of my sister who threw up all over the floor right at the deacon’s feet as he was passing the sacrament. We’d had peas the night before and somehow they’d stayed whole. They rolled out all across the floor and moms had to grab their toddlers who were finding them and eating them.

     Oh, then there was the guy in our Orem ward who bore his testimony of … Reader’s Digest. Yup, that’s right. He said that the Book of Mormon and the Reader’s Digest are the two greatest works of our day and we need to read them both.

     Comment #190 by emilyJune 22nd, 2007 at 3:14 pm

191. one sunday in primary the old PP had come back to do one final sharing time with the kids and read the “you are special” book. And asked the kids if they had ever done anything to make someone else feel bad, but she told them that they didn’t need to raise their hands to tell us, just to think about what they had done and maybe what they could do different next time. A 9 yr old girl’s hand shot up and she blurted out “I told my sister (who is 16) that her eyebrows were crooked this morning.”

     Comment #191 by moddyJune 22nd, 2007 at 3:28 pm

192. […] Apparently our neighborhood was built for our kids.  I just hope the ward is normal, and nobody does any freaky things.  […]

     Pingback #192 by Mormon Mommy Wars » We Made It!July 14th, 2007 at 3:47 pm

193. “But she did tell me about her old ward in Michigan. The bishop actually had to create a seperate Gospel Doctrine class because the attendees had their own views and he didn’t want them corrupting everyone else. To give you an example of their looniness, these people prayed to Heavenly Mother. I can’t even imagine what testimony meeting would be like in THAT ward.”

     There was a religion teacher at BYU probably 10+ years ago (before my time) that encouraged the girls to pray to Heavenly Mother. Needless to say she was fired.

     Comment #193 by LeslieJuly 16th, 2007 at 3:20 pm

194. i thought of a good SM story. My sister was probably about 16 at the time and was giving a talk. I think we were in a new ward (we were in the Army). We were living in NC and she was talking about goals or something and said “I want to have sex, I mean six kids.” yeah, funny how things change, now she doesn’t want to have kids (she’ll be 30 in December).

     Comment #194 by LeslieJuly 16th, 2007 at 4:43 pm

195. I just stumbled upon this blog – talk about opening the floodgates! It has been both hysterically funny and jaw-droppingly horrific to read your experiences. And I thought our ward was weird…well, anyway, this is my contribution.

     I was dating my future DH and made my first visit to his ward. It just so happened it was F&T (my favourite, ha ha) and the RS pres got up to, ahem, bear her testimony, for want of a better expression. She proceeded to inform us all that she had only that week discovered that she had, and I quote, “Satan under my sink”. There was a bit of a stunned silence at this and I quickly looked at the couple we were sitting with to see if this was some kind of joke, but I couldn’t tell if they thought it was, and I waited in vain for the punch line. The RS pres then went on to let us all know that she had been told that a certain household products company – who shall remain anonymous, but whose name starts with “Proctor” and ends with “amble” – had as its corporate logo a satanic emblem of a moon and some stars. She had found that she had their soap powder in the cupboard under her kitchen sink, and had now made sure there were none of these products in her home as she didn’t want to have that kind of evil influence about her, and admonished us all to go back to our homes and do the same.

     A few months later, a small piece appeared in the Ensign’s “News of the Church” section advising members to stop spreading this urban legend as it was wholly untrue. Needless to say, the RS pres didn’t bother to tell us this – if she even read it. She’s still with us today, and still giving the adversary his fifteen minutes of fame on a regular basis; she must be his best PR person in the entire Church! We still have a sharp intake of breath whenever she opens her mouth in any meeting…

     Comment #195 by trillianJuly 25th, 2007 at 1:02 pm

196. This just happened today during fast and testimony meeting—and as soon as it did, I knew it belonged on this thread. A man got up to bear his testimony and during it said, “By profession I am a home inspector, and so if I come out to your house to do an inspection, don’t fart in the basement before I come, because it makes it impossible to detect a gas leak…” He said it without pausing or changing his tone of voice and hardly anyone in the congregation laughed.

     Comment #196 by Hannah GAugust 5th, 2007 at 4:24 pm

197. You know it’s funny, the first councillor today droned on for 15 minutes on keeping the testimony short. He NEVER changed his tone. For all I know he could have said fart. I totally zoned out. I guess the heat is getting to us out here. But I think that is really funny. So just what did he have a testimony about?

     Comment #197 by pollyAugust 5th, 2007 at 5:04 pm

198. Yesterday during the Sacrament, my almost 3 year old happily drank the water, and then, without missing a beat, burped loudly and beamed proudly. Everyone around us stifled their giggles –including me. Inappropriate? Yes. Adorable? Totally.

     Comment #198 by cherylAugust 6th, 2007 at 11:57 am

199. I am very late to this party — I searched for this thread after a friend told me it had made her laugh so hard she cried. What a great collection of stories. My husband and I were both brought to tears by the squirrel story.

     Several years ago, after Sacrament Meeting one day, a friend who’d been sitting behind us told my husband and I that while we had been intently listening to the talks, my toddler son had been licking the back of the bench, running his tongue back and forth along the edge of it in long, thorough strokes. (I still get sick thinking of this, but my son does seem to have developed a pretty good immune system.)

     In Primary, the chorister brought a picture book of Daniel and the Lion’s Den to read to the kids. She came to the first instance of the word “kill” and said, “Oh, we don’t say that word at our house,” and for the rest of the story (which contained the word “kill” probably 20 times) she replaced the word “kill” with “K-word” in every instance. (I’d love to hear her kids recite the Ten Commandments.)

     But my favorite story of all time happened about 20 years ago, in my Mom’s friend’s Provo ward:

     A little kid got up in testimony meeting and said, “I know that Heavenly Father answers prayers, because the other day I went outside and my dog was stuck to another dog. I tried and tried to get them apart, but I couldn’t, so I came inside and said a prayer. Then I came back outside, and my dog and the other dog weren’t stuck together anymore!”

     Comment #199 by Zina WAugust 19th, 2007 at 2:06 pm

200. In one of my student wards a fellow got up to bear his testimony not long after he was baptized. It started out as a run-of-the-mill testimony, but some of us started to get just a little uneasy when he started talking about seeing light coming from a crucifix above his bed . . . and then the culmination was his final testimony that he himself was Jesus Christ. We had a wise bishop, who immediately got up, put his arm around the fellow’s shoulder, and informed him that he was wrong. The fellow proceeded to prophesy that we would all discover in time that he was he was indeed who he said he was, then the bishop countered again with his own testimony, and it ended amicably enough with both of them sitting down again. (Immediately after that it was my privilege to teach Gospel Doctrine. I think I made some sort of inane comment about how we forget sometimes that some of the things we believe as latter-day saints sound just as bizarre to people the first time they hear them, but fortunately we and those who earnestly seek the truth are able to discern by the Spirit between what is true, but wonderful, and what is simply crazy.)

     The story has a good ending–he got the help he needed, got back on his medication, apologized to the ward a couple of months later, and last I heard he was married in the temple and doing well.

     I also remember a sacrament meeting where the mother of the departing missionary was trying to convey what a wonderful sense of humor her son had by telling a story about how, when she noticed that the car ahead of them was the same as the car from several traffic lights ago and wondered if her son, who was driving, had noticed the same, he replied “Yes, and it’s pissing me off.”

     That speaker was my mother. I was the missionary.

     (I assure you that it had been very funny for those of there in the car, if only for the shock value of those words coming out of my mouth. The shock value of those same words coming out of my mother’s mouth at my farewell, by contrast, was not as funny then as it is now.)

     About uncontrollable laughter in sacrament meeting: a friend of mine has a sister with two dachshunds, one named Cornelius. She attended church for the first time in a long time for the missionary farewell of her sister my friend, but wound up stifling laughter the whole time starting with the opening hymn: “…and then the ear, then the full Corn shall appear…” which made her picture a wiener dog gradually popping out of someone’s pocket.

     Comment #200 by TracyAugust 19th, 2007 at 5:22 pm

201. We were visiting a ward in California on Mother’s Day once where a man gave a bizarre talk outlining the differences between a “mother” (”mothers” are bad) and a “mom” (”moms” are good). He used both his own mother and his ex-wife as examples of “mothers.”

     Comment #201 by MaryAugust 20th, 2007 at 6:38 am

202. This story didn’t happen in SM, but in the nursery. I was helping a little boy with his coloring, and he wanted me to draw his daddy, so I obliged as well as I could, with my limited artistic skills. Then he wanted me to draw his daddy in the shower. Then he wanted me to draw his mommy in the shower with his daddy. He was pretty forceful–I don’t remember what I did to distract him. I usually like to share anecdotes with parents when they come to pick up their children after meetings, but I decided not to share this one.

     My three-year-old has recently decided that he is a girl, and my six-year-old daughter is more than happy to share her wardrobe with him. When our home teachers came to the door one Sunday, he was wearing a frilly tiered skirt with a cute little embroidered t-shirt. Then he left to use the bathroom and came back with nothing on from the waist down, holding up a pair of his sister’s panties for me to help him into.

     Comment #202 by SusannaAugust 20th, 2007 at 12:02 pm

203. These are so great! A classic thread! I don’t have any stories to tell, but I just want to say that I love all the weird people in church. I am so grateful to them for being all weird and astonishing and funny and cool. Normal people are nice too but like…. you normal people just plain aren’t as entertaining as you could be. Come on and take it up a notch!

     Comment #203 by TatianaAugust 25th, 2007 at 9:50 am

204. This is awesome! I love all these stories.

     Several years ago, one of my nephews (who was 4 at the time, I think) was asked to give a talk in primary. His mother was unwilling to help him give it (she’s pagan), but she was willing to come listen. I prepared the talk and then helped him give it. At one point he was unable to say some word (celestial, I think), so instead he said, “I don’t want to say that s**t.” I somehow managed to stifle my laughter, but my sister was about rolling on the floor, and was, I think, quite proud of him saying that, especially in primary.

     Comment #204 by kristine NAugust 25th, 2007 at 1:29 pm

205. At a fast and testimony meeting in my ward in Oregon, a man stood up and bore his testimony about the aliens who had visited Roswell, and how he knew that they were just watching out for us, what with the atomic bomb that we had set off and been testing during that time, and what a feeling of love he had for them. Awkward.

     Comment #205 by lwAugust 25th, 2007 at 9:35 pm

206. In one of those “special” talks aimed at the youth, a visiting High Councilman, during Stake Conference, gave a talk aimed at keeping us chaste. In an updated twist on the dreaded ‘girls who’ve messed about are like chewed gum or brownies with poo in them’ theme, the speaker pulled out a crystal tumbler and a bottle of apple juice. He poured out a glass of juice and described it glowingly - didn’t EVERYONE want a sip of that lovely juice?? He held it up lovingly so that all could see of its loveliness.

     He then leaned in very close to the microphone, and starting from way down deep in his diaphragm, he cleared his throat and hawked up several loogies with great, dramatic, disgusting volume, and spat several huge wads of phlegm into the apple juice, while all the people in the audience just stared, aghast, at him (and tried not to gag). He held the glass up to the light again, now visibly full of gobs of spit and other nastiness:

     “NOW who wants a sip?!?”

     Comment #206 by REAugust 26th, 2007 at 2:20 am

207. Love reading these stories! This is truly the best way to start one’s day! Took notes while I was reading others’ posts so I could remember the funnies I’ve experienced…

     The year I met my DH at BYU, our Stake President gave his chastity talk to the gals and guys separately. The gals received a warm fatherly talk which included the permission to give a black eye to any guy who was inappropriate on a date. DH related that they were told not to go running around like wild indians banging anything that moves. As a Native American he kept his objections to himself.

     When I was 8 months pregnant with our first baby, we went to DH’s home ward to spend Christmas with his family. A man giving a talk in SM related how his father came home drunk on Christmas Eve one year and began urinating on the Christmas tree. I lost it to the point of uncontrollable laughter with tears and everything. My inactive BIL can still bring me to tears when he recounts this meeting.

     My toddler son (whom I was pregnant with in the previous story) stood up during a lull in my aunt’s long funeral and said, “All done!”

     This same son was fussy at the end of a long Conference meeting at BYU where Elder Eyring had been one of the speakers. The closing prayer finally came and my son had just had enough. My DH took him out of the Marriott Center and began to walk around the hallway. The prayer continued long enough for him to do a couple of laps around the Big Mac at a slow, bouncing pace. Lovely woman, long talk… err I mean prayer (at least 10 minutes).

     Another fun talk in Provo was from a guy who just didn’t know when to sit down. He’d had his time limit, went over, exceeded, and completely ignored the Bishopric’s attempts to get him to stop talking. They moved the pulpit. Then they turned it off. Then they gave him a 2 minute warning as he pontificated sans mic. Finally, the Bishop came up to him and told him he was done and closed the meeting.

     In our current ward, we recently had a nursery aged boy chuck a softball at a woman’s head 2 rows back. Someone caught it before it hit her. He was quickly removed from the meeting.

     Comment #207 by PetuniaAugust 28th, 2007 at 7:14 am

208. In a small branch in Newbury, England, we had a sister who was always calling everyone (except herself) to repentance. There was also a sort of crazy guy in the ward who would frequently yell things during sacrament meeting (keep in mind that we are talking about maybe 30 people in the meeting which was held in a small school). One day, these two streams of weirdness collided. After Sister X got done excoriating the congregation again during testimony meeting, Brother Y yelled “Hey, what can we say? Some of us are just born losers!”

     Comment #208 by CostanzaAugust 28th, 2007 at 10:33 am

209. On Mother’s Day in our Ward in Logan, UT a man gave a talk in which he condemned the evils of a husband-less Murphy Brown (Yes, that’s right, a fictitious character)adopting a child. He then said, and I will never forget, “Single motherhood is a counterfeit form of motherhood.” I was so angry (mostly on behalf of the single moms in the ward) that I stood right up before I knew what I was doing. Realizing that I was standing in the middle of the chapel, I grabbed one of my kids and walked out as if we had needed to use the potty or something.
     Another comment in our ward here in Boise elicited from me a very audible, “What?!” (Maybe I’m the freak someone else will post about!). A HC was giving a talk on…something…I still don’t know what. He did manage to tell us that his mother never wore pants and boys should only wear Docker-type pants. The zinger came when he told a story of how his teenage daughter had wanted a certain dress for a dance and how he had taken her on a walk to talk about modesty. He then told US that he told HER of some chastity issues he had had as a young man (GROSS!) and then said, “And I told her that I would not have had that problem if the young lady I was dating had dressed modestly.” WHAT?? Did you just blame your immorality on someone else? No, I’m not good at delayed reactions to pig heads. Grrr.

     Comment #209 by SoleilAugust 31st, 2007 at 5:42 pm

210. I had a couple of people send me this blog and tell me that I should hadd my sotry to it so her goes.

     My youngest son was abou 4 at the time. He had asked me to go up with him so he could bear his testimony. I had just not had a good morning and asked my 10 year old to take him up for me. I was horrified as he stood and said “My name is Warren and I know the difference between a good touch and a bad touch. A good touch is when you give someone a hug but a bad touch is if you touch someones boobies or butt.” I was DYING!!!!! I literrally shrunk down in the pew from embarresment. He just kept going on and on as I am looking at my friend who was in the bishopric trying to get his attentions to make my son stop. I finally had to stand up in the middle of the chapel and motion to him with my hand that it was enough.

     I will never forget this moment…because noone will let me !!!!!!!!!

     Comment #210 by LisaSeptember 7th, 2007 at 12:49 pm

211. Great stories! Here are some from wards we have been in:

     When my husband’s father returned home from WWII, he brought with him a swearing problem. During the quiet reverent atmosphere of the sacrament, a hymnbook fell from his young daughter’s lap. A loud bang as it hit the floor was followed by her little girl voice saying, “Oh damn!”

     Same father, different daughter who told her Primary teacher that Heavenly Father’s name was “Oswald.” Her dad, having overcome the swearing problem, when frustrated or angry would look heavenward and say, “Oh, Oswald!”

     In our married BYU ward, the bishop, in his testimony, was grateful for his wife’s loving support–but with his small-town Utah accent, it came out sounding like “Lovin’ sport.” You can imagine the reaction of the young married couples who heard that!

     And my favorite: A brother stood to bear his testimony because he felt he needed to make a public confession. “I have committed adultery with Sister —.” That was followed by his taking a deep breath and a silence that felt like eternity, during which time Sister —, our RS president, turned deathly pale and fainted. She did not hear as he continued, “I have committed adultery with Sister — in my heart.” !!!

     Comment #211 by DonnaSeptember 16th, 2007 at 1:55 am

212. Donna, I’ve heard that last story too many times now and from too many sources to believe it. Did it actually happen in your ward? I always thought it was an urban legend.

     Comment #212 by The WizSeptember 18th, 2007 at 6:26 am

213. In sharing time they related a sports story told by a recent prophet about how you shouldn’t drop the ball, and how in the gospel you can “drop the ball” by not attending to daily things.

     So they gave the kids some paper baseballs and had them write on them the ways in which they will never drop the ball. You know, “read the scriptures, help my mom, say my prayers.” The litany.

     Then they invited the bishop in and gave him these paper baseballs all tucked into a paper mitt.

     He stood there and told them that when they were teenagers, he’d be interviewing them yearly, and that he’d keep the mitt and, wait for it…

     “I’m gonna take your balls out.”

     Which he kept repeating without any awareness of what he was saying, despite the shaking and squirming and snorts from the 9 to 11 year old boys seated not 10 feet from him.

     None of the Primary presidency seemed to notice it, either. It took me (pianist) a couple minutes to scoop my jaw off the floor.

     Comment #213 by dicentraOctober 11th, 2007 at 3:35 pm

214. My most memorable encounter in SM was when a high counselor was speaking and a member of the congregation arose, walked to the front of the congregation and stopped in front of the speaker to say in a loud voice , while pointing up to the speaker, “THIS MAN IS A HYPOCRITE!” It seams that the High counselor, a married man, had made inappropriate sexual advances on the member’s teenage daughter. The member was not happy about the advances and even less happy about the man speaking in our ward. The Bishop sent his second oounsellor after the man, but the excitement had already come and gone. Quite a memorable SM.

     Comment #214 by Stranger in ZionOctober 22nd, 2007 at 5:54 pm

215. My little brother has always had problems with being reverent in sacrament meeting. It is not uncommon for him to yell insults at my other siblings or comment loudly about poop, but one incident really seems to top them all. The deacons were coming around with the bread, and when the tray got to him, he scooped up a handful and threw it all over the poor deacon. Me and my siblings were laughing so hard, but it was a little sad.

     Comment #215 by CamillaOctober 27th, 2007 at 7:49 pm

216. In my grandma’s old ward, a young, newly called stake president had a memorable experience. It was Fast and Testimony Meeting, and he was on the stand in his ward and his young (about 5 year-old) daughter was sitting up there with him. She got up and started to bear her testimony. “Our family has been much happier since we’ve stopped using the ‘F’ word and the ‘S’ word” The congregation went silent and then started whispering and snickering. The stake president stood up after she finished and said “I just want to clarify that the ‘F’ word in our family is ‘fart’ and the ‘S’ word is ’stupid’” It was very amusing!

     Comment #216 by DallinNovember 2nd, 2007 at 5:01 pm

217. All the fun seems to happen during Fast and Testimony meeting. Not long after we moved into our current ward, during just such a meeting, there was a lady that stood up and proceeded to rattle off the different trials and sufferings she’s been through as of late. Nothing special, right?

     Well, near the end of her tale of woe, she starts telling how they’ve had to start going to another ward because her teenage son, in school sports, had been accused of sexual harassment against some other lady’s son in the ward and there was disciplinary action or a lawsuit ensuing. She starts going on about how preposterous it is and it was just a touch on the butt or the shoulder or something (you know how guys slap each other on the butt during games, at least I’ve seen that,) and she gets into details that are probably a little too graphic or informative for sacrament meeting, all the while getting louder and more animated. She says it’s caused her family all this grief and that she’s had a hard time feeling the spirit. (You can tell she’s building up inside and doesn’t seem to be restraining herself very well.) And then she says, emotionally distraught and all dramatic-like, “I know I should forgive and I will probably be able to someday… but right now I just can’t forgive you Sister So-and-So!” naming this lady in the ward and looking right at her.
     I start whispering to my husband and looking around discreetly and then I hear Sister So-and-So start sobbing directly behind me. In the meantime, the lady, having finished her “testimony,” steps down from the podium and walks down the aisle and right out the door. There are a few moments of stunned silence interspersed by the sobbing and then thankfully some guy gets up and starts off on something completely unrelated so as to salvage the spirit there. Even still, the sister behind me kept sobbing on and off until the end and various people came over afterward to offer condolences, etc. I don’t think I’ve seen the first lady since and I don’t imagine we ever will again. What a welcome to a new ward!

     Comment #217 by NovaNovember 7th, 2007 at 11:35 am

218. In my sisters Y Mount ward in Provo, an older visiting sister got up an bore her testimony about her love for her children and the blessings of temple garments. She closed her testimony by saying something to the tune of, “I’m grateful for my children who were all conceived thru the hole in my garments.”
     In my former ward in England, we had a new high council member, and he was getting used to the whole sustaining process, when he asked if anyone objected to raise their hand, he raised his hand, and then quickly corrected himself and apologized to the congregation. But the Bishop wouldn’t let him live it down, and kept mentioning it every time he was at the mic during the meeting!
     In that same ward the EQ pres and first counselor were more than less active, but not quite inactive, and they didn’t have a 2nd counselor, just a secretary, and they never called to say they weren’t coming to church, so the Secretary would have to figure out what to do for 3rd hour, he was slow, so my husband always came home with interesting stories from Priesthood! The same pres and counselor both got up in F&T meeting (different Sundays) and bore testimony about how they didn’t have a testimony of God and the BofM, but loved their wives!
     In a fireside a GAs wife was speaking and she told us that the Atonement wasn’t necessary (English wasn’t her first language, but still) and no one corrected her!
     The previous poster who said that the church in the UK is the craziest, is totally correct, I could add so many stories, and I only lived there for 2 years!

     Comment #218 by ChelseaPNovember 15th, 2007 at 10:41 am

219. It was so funny! During her terrible two’s my little sister was really active and always had trouble sitting still. She got out of my mother’s grasp and stealthly made her way to the front of the chapel during SM. Both my mom and I lost sight of her for a few minutes one Sunday and then realized, amidst stifled laughter of the congregation, that she was climbing up the podium! We just watched in stunned horror as she got to the top of the 7 ft high podium and yelled “HI” to the speaker! Needless to say the speaker, who was a very serious, no nonsense man burst out laughing, told my father, a young bishop of 35 to get his child and hold on tight because the next time that happens it might result in a heart attack! Hahaha. I can still picture this little girl with angelic features climbing the podium and with a sense of accomplishment and achievment yell “HI”. Nobody has ever forgotten!

     Comment #219 by Canuck in CanadaDecember 3rd, 2007 at 2:52 pm

220. […] Random.org supplied the winning number.  I deleted my comments plus any multiples.  And to answer Susan M, no,this did not have the most comments ever.  Adventures in Arizona still has that distinction.  We Mormons are indeed a peculiar people. […]

     Pingback #220 by Mormon Mommy Wars » Who Gets the Free Dress?December 13th, 2007 at 4:00 am

221. When I was about eight or so, I had a Sunday School teacher who was less active. One Sunday when he was actually at church, he told us in class that there were several Masters of Mahan (Master Mahans? Anyway, as referred to in Moses 5) over the course of history, and that John Lennon was one of them.

     Comment #221 by AndreaDecember 16th, 2007 at 5:26 pm

222. An investigator couple came to our ward in California for testimony meeting. Partway through there was moaning coming from the back that got louder and louder. Finally the woman burst out with, “SAVE ME JESUS, SAVE ME LORD!” Everyone turned to see her swaying in her seat while her husband began quickly and fiercly casting her devils out one at a time by putting his hands on her head and crying “In the name of Jesus come out!” repeatedly. That was the loudest of the outbursts. About 10 minutes before the scheduled end of the meeting (and after the wife calmed down) the husband stood up and walked to the stand to bear his testimony. Before he could get to the microphone the bishop motioned him over to talk while the first counselor deftly closed the meeting.

     In another experience, an older gentleman in the ward was asked to give the closing prayer. He took his Ensign up with him and read from it as he prayed for about 5 minutes.

     Comment #222 by JordanDecember 20th, 2007 at 12:38 pm

223. I’m reading this thread in SM on my smartphone, trying not to laugh outloud during the bishop’s talk. I sat my 2 year old on my lap to hide behind as I snicker to myself. As I type, the bishop noticed people weren’t paying attention to him, but looking at the youth speaker who had fallen asleep on the stand…he woke him up then went back to his talk.

     HEE LARRY US

     Comment #223 by DonDecember 30th, 2007 at 10:44 am

224. Don, I think you just unwittingly added another example for the thread - a picture of someone reading a blog during the Bishop’s talk while hiding behind a 2-year-old.

     Comment #224 by RayDecember 30th, 2007 at 1:15 pm

225. In regards to surfing the net during sacrament meeting, I was searching for something about sacrament hymns that was related to the previous talk when I found this thread. I have to admit that seriously it is so funny that I couldn’t help but read it, even during the middle of the meeting. That was my whole point. The kid sleeping just happened literally while I was writing about how funny the thread is, so I added it in.

     Anyway, a funny prayer recently at the end of a youth fireside, the young man asked to “bless the refreshments that they will be good.” I actually like that better than asking to bless donuts to do our body good, when that’s probably not going to happen.

     Comment #225 by DonJanuary 1st, 2008 at 9:20 pm

226. From the husband:
     During Sacrament meeting some time ago, I was sitting next to our 2.5-year-old boy. Our son, bless his fussy heart, was in a good mood and was crawling around on the bench. He then ripped a big one, leaned over to me, started laughing, and said “Hee hee hee! Daddy, I fawted!” Aren’t children wonderful. At least they keep us busy during boring talks.

     Also, while I was on my mission in Thailand, a sister in the ward got up during testimony meeting and related how she took it upon herself to make sure that the sister missionaries were protected. She told us of how she drove the sisters to all their appointments and how she would protect them with the huge knife she carried in her purse! This just proved that she really was crazy. At least she wasn’t breastfeeding her baby (uncovered) during the meeting like the Branch President’s wife was.

     Comment #226 by NovaJanuary 19th, 2008 at 3:47 am

227. Something like this happened in my ward. I happened to know that the couple were doing it to make his former wife feel bad.

     Comment #227 by DougJanuary 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am

228. since this thread is still getting comments, here’s my best F&T story.

     in my husband’s family’s ward, the population was mostly elderly caucasians and poor minority families. because of the economic climate, the area also seemed to attract more than its fair share of the mentally ill.

     one such gentleman stood up to bear his testimony and eventually got to talking about how he could read people’s auras and tell their futures, and how not everybody wanted him to do that, and he met some girl on the bus whose aura was bright blue and that meant… the bishop finally got up and whispered in his ear, at which point the brother snorted and said “Bishop just told me to shut up!” he then talked a few more minutes about how insulting this was and finally sat down. it was all i could do to keep my composure.

     “reading auras” is still one of our best SM in-jokes.

     Comment #228 by colleenJanuary 24th, 2008 at 12:24 pm

229. colleen, I personally hope this thread keeps getting comments into the Millennium. It is the single funniest thing I have ever read anywhere on the web - with the possible exception of Dave Berry’s 2007 in Review.

     Comment #229 by RayJanuary 24th, 2008 at 12:38 pm

230. When I was younger, during sacrament meeting one of the sisters, plus her five kids, arrived late, and sat in one of the first few rows. She then proceeds to hand out plates, and dishes up spaghetti! You could see the Bishopric on the stand, going “is she doing what I think she’s doing?” I mean, passing out Cheerios is one thing, but a whole meal is another.

     This happened in Spanish Fork, Ut, by the way.

     And another time, I think it was at a missionary farewell, the missionary-to-be got stung by a bee during his talk, which pretty much broke up the meeting.

     Another time, the outgoing missionary fainted during his talk. Just fell down right at the pulpit.

     Comment #230 by LindsayJanuary 27th, 2008 at 7:43 am

231. “This happened in Spanish Fork, Ut, by the way.”

     That explains it - says someone who graduated from Payson High School.

     Comment #231 by RayJanuary 27th, 2008 at 9:14 am

232. I just got through reading this entire thread to my teenage kids. The squirrel and hamster experiences were their favorites. Thanks for a wonderful Family Home Evening!

     Comment #232 by Michelle AMJanuary 27th, 2008 at 11:27 am

233. Lindsay, at least the mother didn’t pull out McDonald’s bags - on Sunday.

     Comment #233 by JessicaDJanuary 27th, 2008 at 11:29 am

234. The day I was supposed to give my missionary farewell talk, the power went out in the whole building. We had sacrament meeting last, and the bishopric and others were scrambling trying to figure out what to do. There were no windows in the chapel, so it would have been very dark. The solution they came up with was to borrow a small generator and hook it up to one of the spotlights. Thus, I would be speaking in the dark with just a spotlight illuminating me. Luckily, the lights came back on at the very last minute! I was mortified to think of giving a talk in that circumstance.

     My son pulled the fire alarm in the middle of Sacrament meeting, resulting in the evacuation of the entire congregation. I thought that was pretty unique until I learned a friend’s child had done the same thing.

     While on my mission in the midwest, I attended a ward where an older couple, who were stalwart members and long-time converts but obviously still held on to their evangelical roots, always softly said things like “Hallelujah!, Praise the Lord!, Amen!”, etc. throughout the meeting. They did it quite reverently, and I actually thought it was kind of neat, but it definitely made me sit up and take notice the first time it happened.

     Comment #234 by eljeeJanuary 27th, 2008 at 11:42 am

235. Wait, it isn’t normal to say, “Hallelujah” and, “Amen” loudly in the middle of a person’s talk? Oops…

     Comment #235 by LaurenJanuary 28th, 2008 at 4:47 am

236. I was at a fireside about 10-15 years ago in Sandy Utah. Ty Detmer (a Heisman tropy winner/BYU football hero)was the speaker so the place was packed. After his talk, which I remember NOTHING about, he answered questions from the audience. A little boy from the very back of the room was picked and the microphone was passed back to him. The kid asked something like “How did you feel throwing five interceptions and only two touchdowns right after winning the Heisman?” (something like that)……there was a split second of awkward silence and then Ty said “How old are you kid?” The room erupted in laughter. That’s all I remember.

     Comment #236 by Jessica YFebruary 11th, 2008 at 8:21 am

237. This is so awesome. My wife and I were laughing about this thread for a good while.

     My favorite story was told to me by my aunt who was in a sacrament meeting where the chorister was leading the music and milk started squirting straight through her dress and out about several inches as she was leading the music. She didn’t notice it for a few seconds but then she quickly grabbed the hymn book and held it against her chest with one hand as she continued to lead the music with the other until the song ended. She quickly left the podium after the hymn, beet-red. Ouch!

     My ward had a family that also had a big meal in the middle of Sacrament Meeting. The mom started making peanut butter sandwiches in the middle of the meeting, then brought out a GALLON of milk and poured all the kids individual cups. The bishop was fuming and gave them a good talking to after the meeting.

     Comment #237 by KentMarch 20th, 2008 at 12:45 pm

238. In a ward in Nebraska, a young man who was preparing for his mission got up to bear his testimony. His family were all great examples to many, and you could tell they genuinely loved one another. Imagine our surprise when he expressed how much he loved his family, and how great is was that there was so much bondage among them. His mother was horrified; his father laughed out loud.

     Comment #238 by Bull MooseMarch 21st, 2008 at 11:55 am

239. One Sunday, the sister missionaries were speaking. The second sister spoke for about 3 minutes before saying, “I don’t feel so good,” and fainted (but not before hitting her head on the podium on the way down). A doctor and nurse in the ward were called up. Instead of dismissing the meeting 15 minutes early, the bishop asked the final speaker to get up. So he gives his talk, all while the paramedics come in, put the sister missionary on the stretcher and wheel her out.

     Another time in the same ward, a young women got up during F&T to tell us about an episode of America’s Most Wanted. She told us about a girl who was kidnapped and raped. She proceeded to say “and they RAPED her. RAPED her,” several times to get the point across. I think the story tied in to the church because a Mormon family found the girl when she was left and got her to a hospital. That’s how the ward member knew the church was true.

     In a freshman ward at BYU a girl got up and showed a laminated leaf. She told us how her young womens leaders had gone to the Sacred Grove the past summer and brought them back leaves. She then said, “This leaf was a witness to Christ.” My friend and I burst out laughing (and got several dirty looks).

     Comment #239 by AmandaApril 20th, 2008 at 9:11 pm

240. A few months ago in my singles ward during F&T meeting, a girl stood up and mentioned how things had been rather hard lately, especially with the death of her grandpa. She finished her testimony, the meeting ended without any hiccups. But as I was walking out of the chapel I overheard Awkward Boy go up to her and say, “So, uh, your grandpa died, huh?” in the same tone that someone would say, “You like to play basketball, eh?”
     Worst pick-up line ever.
     I had to bolt into the foyer because I was losing it.

     Comment #240 by VanessaApril 26th, 2008 at 12:47 am

241. My friend sent me this link and I’ve been laughing all night reading. I was reminded of two funny “Mormon” stories..

     My sister served a mission in California. One night, she and her companion were having dinner with a family and her companion was sharing a story about a time when she saw an octopus. It wasn’t funny until she claimed that the octopus’ “testicles were flailing all over the place”.

     My second story- We lived in Alabama and there was a 70-something yr old woman who bore her testimony every f&t meeting. One Sunday she stood up and said that her son was drinking and doing drugs and living a bad life. So she prayed to the Lord to just knock him down and make him realize what a mess his life was. She proceeded to explain that during the previous week, the Lord answered her prayers while he was working construction and he lost his footing and fell three stories. She was so proud that the Lord had “knocked him down” just as she had asked!

     Comment #241 by CindiMay 12th, 2008 at 10:12 pm

242. The moral of Cindi’s last story: Don’t tick off grandma!

     Comment #242 by RayMay 13th, 2008 at 4:52 am

243. Several years ago we regularly had the missionaries over for dinner. As usual we had a friend over, it was a Monday night, and the missionaries were responsible for a final “inspirational thought” to conclude FHE.

     This one elder flips open his scriptures, apparently a little too vigorously because something flies out of them and lands on the floor. Before he has the chance to pick it up everyone, except his companion, recognizes that he has just flung a condom out of his scriptures. His companion just kept saying “what? what?” until someone finally told him. I can still see the look of horror on their faces. I laughed ’til I cried. To this day, he (the one with the condom) is one of my favorite missionaries of all times.

     Comment #243 by S.K.May 25th, 2008 at 10:39 pm

244. These are great! Here is my story to add from my student singles ward:
     During sacrament meeting a guy gave a talk using the story of david and goliath. I can’t remember how david and goliath was related to the main talk, but as he spoke, he began to swing a sling with a tennis ball. It just kept going round and round over his head. He brought the story to the climax, he let the tennis ball go and it flew out over the congregation and smacked the back wall. This was in a lecture hall with each row a step higher than the row in front of it and he just nearly missed a couple in the back!

     Comment #244 by LFMay 28th, 2008 at 6:40 pm

245. I have been reading this thread off and on all day…I haven’t laughed this hard in a while!

     A couple stories of my own, from my BYU singles ward days:

     A kid in my freshman ward (he was a little loopy…later got lost on Y Mtn because he followed a goat — they called in search and rescue helicopters and everything) gave a talk one week in SM. I don’t remember anything but the “illustrating story” he used, which was all about a cute little chihuahua that fell over a waterfall.

     In another singles ward, there was this guy who bore his testimony every month. And every month I cringed when I saw him stand up. One month, he told about the huge breakfast he’d had that morning…eggs and bacon and biscuits and all sorts of stuff. He talked about how good it was, and then he’s all, “And none of you got to have any because it’s fast Sunday.” Then he went on to bear his actual testimony, but it was a bit disjointed. Another Sunday he was in the middle of a very sincere, beautiful testimony, when all of a sudden he says, “…and once I had a pet turtle, and he was a good turtle because [insert several random reasons here], but then he ran away….and that has nothing to do with what I want to say to you today…” and jumped back into his testimony!

     What is it with these people?

     Comment #245 by KattyMay 30th, 2008 at 8:12 pm

246. I don’t know how I happened onto this site randomly, but 1.5 hours later my kids are starving and I am trying to recover from my fits of laughter!

     I’ve got a couple to add.

     My good friend was the primary president in our ward, she always got a little nervous talking in front of groups. One day she stood up in primary and introduced “Our new Primary pinis who will be helping us with the music.” The rest of us in the presidency could not contain ourselves because the new PIANIST was the only man in the room!!

     Also one from my husband-he was in SM during his mission and a recently converted Hispanic lady was bearing her testimony- so grateful that the blessed Virgin Mary had sent the missionaries to her door.

     Comment #246 by chrisJune 18th, 2008 at 6:21 pm

247. “We had a stake president famous for this. He was a talker himself, and then he’d ask people to come stand by him while he told stories and then he’d ask the person to say something. One time a boy stood there so long that he fainted and went over the stand. People came up to help while the stake president kept talking. Finally he said, “I guess I’d better stop, huh?” Uhh, yep . . .”

     http://www.timesandseasons.org/?p=4623#comment-267835

     Comment #247 by From a Times & Seasons threadJune 23rd, 2008 at 7:22 am

248. “Adventures in Arizona” - the thread that just won’t die.

     THANK GOODNESS!!

     Comment #248 by RayJune 23rd, 2008 at 9:53 pm

249. i’m still recovering from Pres. Monson reiterating “but Dick wouldn’t come! Dick wouldn’t come!” in General Conference last year. We need a few more worldly editors for GC talks just to scrub a few unintended double-meanings.

     Comment #249 by normJune 25th, 2008 at 4:15 am

250. Ok, I can’t resist. In my old ward one of the counselors in the bishopric was always good for something inappropriate. My personal favorites:

     The time he read a newspaper article in SM that was about some little girls at church and the phrase “sexual assault” was used at least 6 times. My six year old leaned over, “Mom, what’s sexual assault?” Fun times.

     A few weeks later he fell asleep on the stand when he was supposed to be conducting. The sacrament had just been passed and all the Deacons were lined up, waiting and waiting.

     Still later, a soon to be missionary finished speaking and the counselor went to the stand to conclude. “Have fun on your mission, Brother—-, and enjoy eating all those monkey brains.”

     Comment #250 by mJune 26th, 2008 at 11:19 am

251. Our very first Sunday in our new Arizona ward (we were fresh out of BYU), a sister broke into singing a Mormon pop song — a capella and not really in tune — in the middle of her SM talk. When she finished, she went right back to her talk without skipping a beat.

     In defense of AZ wards though, in the four years since we moved here this has never happened again.

     Comment #251 by Jacob FJune 27th, 2008 at 1:18 pm

252. This is why, if I were ever a bishop, my rules would be:

     - No one speaks for more than 10 minutes. Including the bishop.
     - No testimonies lasting more than 3 minutes.
     - No testimonies from people who haven’t been baptized yet.
     - No missionary “farewells” or “homecomings”. The missionary speaks. No one else from the family. And the family doesn’t ever get input on the songs or prayers.

     Comment #252 by queunoJune 28th, 2008 at 4:10 pm

253. Reprinted here by permission from Ardis, since I am “the official collector of weird Sacrament Meeting stories in the Bloggernacle” and an ardent and unabashed champion of this post:

     One of our speakers (today), a woman close to 90, explained that what was wrong with American government is that when men unzip their pants, their brains fall out.

     http://www.bycommonconsent.com/2008/06/envisioning-a-politically-thoughtful-church-culture/#comment-184885

     Comment #253 by RayJune 29th, 2008 at 5:01 pm

254. queuno has some good rules. maybe you could give the organist a timer and he could start playing once the three and ten minutes were up? there’s got to be an appropriate hymn that would work as the big shepherd’s crook…

     Comment #254 by makakonaJune 30th, 2008 at 1:32 pm

255. Perhaps “Be Thou Humble”, “Choose the Right”, “Come Away to the Sunday School”, “Come, Follow Me”, “Do What is Right”, “Ere the Sun Goes Down”, “For All the Saints”, “Go Forth With Faith”, “Have I Done Any Good?”, “Let Us All Press On”, “Rejoice! A Glorious Sound is Heard”, “The Time is Far Spent”, “Though Deepening Trials”, “Today, While the Sun Shines”, “Up, Awake, Ye Defenders of Zion”, “We Ever Pray for Thee”, or “Ye Simple Souls Who Stray” would suffice. LOL!

     Comment #255 by PetuniaJune 30th, 2008 at 5:10 pm

256. Dallin: That comment about the the Stake pres’ daughter is an urban ledgend, I think. I’ve gotten like four chain letters about that story.

     I have a good story though, about a stake pres’ daughter. My friend is the youngest by far in their family and has two much older brothers. At the time when the story happened, her dad was the bishop in their ward and she would have been about four or five. One time in SM her older brother sat on her because they were fighting over a seat or something, and she yelled out at the top of her lungs, “get your fat a** of of me!” Needless to say, she got taken out to the foyer after that.

     Comment #256 by 8cowwifeJuly 1st, 2008 at 5:25 pm

257. I don’t know if this counts, but it was on the Arizona border in Southern Utah. During SS we were studying the NT and a guy mentioned the anti-women scriptures and the SP’s wife stood up and hissed (literally) and said that men just went here and there scattering sperm. Yes, she said sperm and then stormed out of the room. The SP just sat there with his head down. Good times!

     Comment #257 by cchJuly 3rd, 2008 at 7:19 pm

258. One of my favorite SM moments was on my mission in a small branch in Kentucky. One lady got up to talk about her missionary son. She spent several minutes detailing how he was the perfect son, and then read the letter she had received from her son’s mission president thanking her for her great son (I assume this type of letter is a form letter that gets sent out to every faithfully returning missionary’s parents). So far, this testimony was not that out of the ordinary. After this lady sat down a man got up and began his testimony by saying “Sister ________ , if that boy’s not walking on water when he gets home, we’re going to stone you as a false prophet.”

     Comment #258 by DonJuly 7th, 2008 at 12:39 pm

259. Once when I was a teenager, the bishop got up at the beginning of sacrament meeting and announced that our ward team had won the stake basketball tournament. He showed the trophy as evidence and congratulated the team. It was a typical basketball trophy with the figure of an athlete holding a basketball in one hand above his head. The bishop set the trophy on horizontal lectern beside the pulpit and we went on with the meeting. When the first speaker approached the microphone, they lowered the motorized pulpit to adjust for the speaker’s height. Suddenly, the motor started making noises as if straining against some unknown resistance. Before anybody realized what was happening, the trophy broke under the strain of the pulpit above it, sending the small basketball and a portion of the athlete’s arm forcefully out into the congregation, and making a sound like a gunshot (amplified by the microphone). Too late, they reversed the direction of the pulpit. At this point, the trophy levitated above the lectern, the stub of the athlete’s arm embedded in the underside of the pulpit. I imagine there’s a hole in the underside of that pulpit to this day.

     This isn’t a sacrament meeting story, but the story about the “F-word” reminded me of a conversation I had a year or two ago. Brothers C, D, and M are all stalwart members of my ward. One day, Brother C was unhappy with the direction the high priests lesson took. I saw him whisper something to Brother D and leave the room. Later, Brother D was talking to Brother M and me. He said that Brother C was so upset, he made a comment containing “the C-word,” and walked out of the room. Brother M is a Navy man, and I’m sure has heard every C-word there is. We probably both looked a little stunned at the thought of Brother C using the “C-word.” How would that word have fit into the context of the story anyway? Perhaps Brother D noticed our surprise, and added:

     “You know: The C-word. He said, ‘I’ve had enough of this C-R-A-P!’ –but he didn’t spell it!”

     Comment #259 by Left FieldJuly 7th, 2008 at 2:01 pm

260. There have been several instances of people “literally seeing a glowing aura” around people who have been at the pulpit, or in other situations. I think the people who have seen these auras are from the same family. I have to say, I’ve wondered if I’m just not spiritually in tune enough to see auras because whenever these are mentioned, everybody just seems to act like it is a normal occurence.

     We do have one slightly crazy woman in our ward whose pet issue is modesty. Once in Relief Society she told us how sleeves that aren’t long enough are bad because men are very attracted to the underarm area on women, it is very stimulating to them. There was at least one loud gasp.

     Comment #260 by L.D.July 8th, 2008 at 9:53 am

261. When we lived in Boca Raton, Florida, our ward endured large quantities of “bug people” ever summer. Those were college-ish kids interning with Orkin. They were notorious for their mating habits which, apparently, required ceremonial intimacy during sacrament meeting.

     One couple even grossed out my nearly teenagers because the girl sat ON her husband at church, while they made out. On. his. lap. in. the. pew.

     I only have one more thing to say. On my own blog, when I complain about being bored in church or use the word “hell”–even in context of a place in the universe–I get scolded for my lack of piousness.

     Wow, the readers here are so tolerant of Mormon shenanigans.

     Comment #261 by Alison Moore SmithJuly 9th, 2008 at 8:10 am

262. When i was younger, about 15, my brother had just returned home from his mission and we had sister missionaries in our ward. This was the first time, and only time we ever had sisters.

     One night we had them over for dinner and one of the sisters began telling us how she was engaged. My Dad arched an eyebrow, but played along and said, “oh… who are you engaged to, and how did you meet?” she said, “My district leader.” Then she began talking about how they used to lie on their beds talking on the phone at night and knew that they were right for eachother. All the while my Brother, a freshly returned, straight-laced former AP was dying. After the sisters left he couldn’t get over the whole ordeal. he said, “That isn’t how mission phones are supposed to be used!”

     The story has a very sweet ending though. Lover-boy DL went home and dear-Jane’d sister lover-girl and married someone else. The sisters lasted in our ward maybe 8 weeks and we had elders back.

     On my mission in NM on the NA reservation we had a man who wore a tin-foil hat (if you know what I mean) in the ward. He got up one time and said, “many of you have borne testimony of the Savior and of the light. but there are other things which must be testified of. It is my duty to testify of the darkness and secret works!. I have said for a long time, and reaffirm that the government is spying on us. That Televisions are two-way communications and the government learns our thoughts through them.” The SP was on the stand that day, and neither he nor the Bishop said amen.

     Comment #262 by TrevorMJuly 9th, 2008 at 8:59 am

263. i just saw comment 35, which asked about my 32. all of comment 32 happened in hawai’i. LOVED that ward, nutjobs and all. it was half military and half polynesian. our second counselor there was also our family practitioner and caught our two oldest babies when they were born. during one exam, while i was still covered by a sheet, he said, “i’m going to change hats now… we wanted to extend a calling to you.” um, can i at least put some pants on first? good thing we liked him so much!

     Comment #263 by makakonaJuly 10th, 2008 at 12:55 am

264. Ok, so I just read through this entire thing and kept thinking “I want to post something, but I’m sure no one has posted anything since it’s so old” Boy was I wrong!

     We moved into our new ward in Salt Lake and my older son was home with my dh. My 2 year old was not happy and was getting all upset during the sacrament. When it was totally silent (because it often is in this ward) He screamed “I want to go home!”
     I hadn’t even met anyone in the ward. I got up and took him home and came back to the meeting. Everyone kept telling me he was just saying out loud what everyone else was thinking.

     Comment #264 by MarlyJuly 14th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

265. Not relevant directly to Sac Mtg or F&T Mtg, but the following post over at Times and Seasons has some very funny references to church activities.

     http://www.timesandseasons.org/?p=4665

     Comment #265 by RayJuly 17th, 2008 at 7:57 pm

266. I came upon this thread while googling surpliers of LDS Wedding Announcements…not quite sure why this came up, but I’m happily trapped. Not surprising when kids or the mentally ill liven up our meetings, but the creativity of ordinary members can be amazing. 25 years ago we were sitting in sudden darkness in a Colorado chapel (transformer burned out on the pole), right in the middle of the high councilman’s talk. Without missing a beat, he pulled a flashlight from his pocket and scanned the congregation, calling out people’s names to make sure no one would fall asleep as he finished his talk.

     About 5 years ago, in a fancy Denver suburb, I watched in horror as the young mama in front of me changed a diaper right on the pew during the prelude music. “Well, it’s only just a wet one,” she explained to me.

     My kids probably disrupted plenty of SMs, but I have blessedly forgotten. We will never forget the baptism of our oldest daughter, however. When she returned to the restroom to change into dry clothes, her clothes were gone, every stitch. Her younger sister loaned her the clothes off her back, and stayed in the restroom, shivering, while big sister was confirmed. I’ll always believe it was the custodian who mistook our “Sunday best” as rags fit for the trash bin…This made quite an impression on our non-member guests…I think he was getting back at me for the time I made playclay out of powdered milk and peanut butter –unforgettable mess in the nursery that day!

     The Gospel must be true. Otherwise, the Church would not survive the foibles of the mere mortals who make up its membership…

     Comment #266 by SusanJuly 25th, 2008 at 2:36 pm

267. From a thread at FMH today - “Toddlers and Testimonies”:

     (JC) - “I remember in my teens timing testimonies. The longest: 19 minutes by a long winded bishop. That doesn’t beat the time a mentally challenged sister removed her shirt (wearing nothing beneath it) at the pulpit. She stopped coming to church for years and then she showed up one Sunday and bore her testimony of Satan.”

     (Janet): “I thought our old ward had the weirdest experience when a fellow showed up to tell us our bishop was in league with satan and the government’s black helicopters, rambling on with increasingly violent diction until most of the big burley “silent type” men of the ward had quietly and quickly moved up to the stand. When the conspiracy theorist finished up he left quietly, and all the big dudes were then obligated to actually *bear their testimonies* rather than tackle him.”

     Comment #267 by RaySeptember 8th, 2008 at 8:52 am

268. Just found this thread from the fMh post referenced above. Hilarious!

     My favorite sacrament meeting ever was when my little sister’s friend gave her first youth talk in Sacrament Meeting. Her topic was about missionary work, and she used one of the prophets (Heber J. Grant, maybe?) as an example of one who was very dedicated to the work.

     “He went out prostituting every day, no matter what. Once his companion got very sick, so he went out on the street by himself to prostitute….”

     She meant proselytize, of course, but she kept saying prostitute — over and over and over. And as people’s faces in the congregation got red and as everyone lost control of their giggles (I had to put my head down; I was laughing so hard I was crying) she could tell that she was saying something wrong, but she had no idea what. So she kept pressing on, kept talking about how the prophet prostituted himself as a young man….

     The poor kid! Only 12 years old, and she experiences every public speaker’s worst nightmare. Nowhere to go from there but up, I guess!

     And seriously, it was the best Sacrament Meeting talk EVER.

     Comment #268 by RCHSeptember 8th, 2008 at 10:09 am

269. Before I converted, I attended F&T at an SVU ward in Virginia. During the passing of the sacrament, a little boy upended the bread tray, and his mother grabbed him and hissed “YOU JUST SPILLED THE BODY OF CHRIST! PICK IT UP!” We were dying laughing.

     Not long after I converted, we had an interesting testimony at my tiny ward in Western North Carolina. While Romney was running for president, several of the Baptist churches in the area were having anti-mormon lectures, so one man who was Jewish but had a Baptist wife came to see what all the fuss was about. He got up on the podium, told us why he was there, and how he was so happy to be in a Mormon temple and see how much we talked about Jesus Christ. It was actually very touching, except you could see the congregation flinching every time he mentioned being in a “temple.”

     Comment #269 by MelissaSeptember 8th, 2008 at 1:29 pm

270. In my freshman BYU ward, one of the speakers put up two illustrations during his talk: one of a fully clothed, missionary looking person, the other with a couple of strategically placed black boxes on her body. I don’t remember what the talk was about, bt apparently the visual aids were effective!

     In that same ward, I was giving a talk when a girl started having a seizure. It was a little rough trying to finish!

     Comment #270 by T V FreeSeptember 8th, 2008 at 4:54 pm

271. Somebody over at FMH just linked to this thread, so even though it’s old, I’m posting my stories. I’ve got two:

     In the first ward on my mission in El Salvador, the viejo who played the organ (the crappy little Casio electric piano), had a background in music - marching band stuff, IIRC. He would play the opening and sacrament hymns, and then when the meeting got going he would turn the volume (almost) all the way down and play marching band tunes all through the meeting. We couldn’t really hear the music, but we could hear the quiet “thuk thuk thuk” that the keys of the Casio would give off when pushed. It was obnoxious.

     In this ward people would also stage blessing and confirmation pictures after the meeting. They USED to take pictures in the middle of the ordinances, but the missionaries put a stop to that.

     The second story is the young girl in my Provo ward who got up and gave a long rambling testimony about the straggly little stray cat that latched onto her and became her cat and then ran away and she was so sad, and what does this have to do with the gospel? It ended with the phrase, “my testimony is on my cat.” Wha-huh?

     Comment #271 by tisheliSeptember 8th, 2008 at 7:27 pm

272. Two funny stories:

     We were in a ward outside Baltimore that had 4 times as many inactive as active members. The men all had 6 families to home teach, most of whom did not want to be visited. Needless to say it was easy to not do your home teaching. One Sunday this woman whom I had never seen in seven years of attending that ward gets up and bears her testimony about how hard life is in the projects, how her daughter is on drugs and how her home teachers never come to visit her. I about nearly fell off my chair. Afterwards the bishop introduced himself and the Elder’s Quorom president almost ran over to meet.

     When my son was about 9 months old he struggled with having bowel movements. We were sitting in the front of the chair section, and he was standing on the chair next to me, holding on to the back. All of a sudden he makes that grunting sound that everyone knows and his eyes are squinched shut and his face is getting red. I just grabbed him in one arm and the diaper bag in the other and ran out amidst the snickering.

     Comment #272 by J LynnSeptember 9th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

273. OK, I have been laughing so hard at all these stories and I have a few…

     My husband served his mission in Kentucky, and visited a ward once where they had a 9 year old GIRL passing the sacrament.

     When we lived in Ohio, we had this elderly sister who would get up almost every F&T and ramble for half the meeting about off the wall stuff. My favorite was when she bore testimony of curing her cancer by eating orange peels.

     The same sister also bore testimony once about the truthfulness of a movie she saw on Lifetime involving a prince who fell in love with an average citizen.

     And when I was in high school (in Boise) I had one of the girls in my Mia Maid class leave sacrament meeting towards the beginning, walk home, drop a ton of acid, shave her head bald, and come back at the end of sacrament meeting screaming through the chapel about all the snakes she just cut off.

     Good times.

     Comment #273 by NicoleSeptember 9th, 2008 at 8:45 pm

274. My little sister (age 2) was newly potty-trained. We weren’t bringing a diaper bag to church anymore, just a change of “big girl” panties if needed. The chapel pews had padded backs and seats. Very nice and velvety. She had diarrea(?) during SM and my siblings and I had no idea how to handle it discreetly. (Mom was on the stand as organist, Dad was gone that day) I drug her up the aisle because she was crying loudly and refused to walk. There was a trail of liquid darkness that followed us out the chapel, down the hall and into the bathroom. My brothers stayed put, pretending nothing happened. The stench was BAD, and after the meeting finally ended, my mother instructed us to wipe up the bench using paper towels. Not very effective. Needless to say, we left church immediately. It took two weeks for the custodian to get the bench professionally cleaned. It took a lot longer for people to trust the bench again. We never sat on that side of the chapel again. It has been 30 years since that day and I can still recall every miserable moment.

     Comment #274 by livin in zionSeptember 10th, 2008 at 7:42 am

275. These are great!

     My son, a rambunctious 4 yr old, has a difficult time sitting still and does not much enjoy SM. One Sunday, after an entire SM of trying to keep him quiet and *somewhat* reverent, he waited patiently for the closing prayer to finish. After everybody else said “Amen”, he chimed in with “That’s a wrap!” I figure it could have been worse!

     Comment #275 by LadybugSeptember 10th, 2008 at 11:52 am

276. I thought of a another “Ward Weirdo” example from our Ohio days…

     One year at Christmas we made a plate of homemade goodies for a new single convert. Just a small gesture of friendship, right?

     Wrong. About 4 hours later, we got a phone call from this guy, who proceeded to clear his throat and read a letter he had written that cited all the reasons our “gesture” had shaken his testimony.

     He went on to tell us how disappointed he was when we told him we had something for him after church, and how he had been expecting a nice book or something, and when we handed him “a plate full of sin” he just went inside and gave it to the Young Men.

     He told me we clearly had no intention of following the Word of Wisdom, and he was ashamed he had been “tricked” into thinking we were good members. He went on to tell me that after praying about it, he had been directed to get up the next Sunday in F & T and call out specific members of the ward who were fat (he named them in alphabetical order) and call them to repentance.

     My husband grabbed the phone at this point and spent about an hour talking this guy off the ledge. He quit coming shortly thereafter because he couldn’t handle the hypocrisy of overweight ward members.

     And that’s how I know the church is true!

     Comment #276 by NicoleSeptember 10th, 2008 at 12:33 pm

277. The ward I grew up in had the Young Men’s leaders bless the sacrament occasionally - usually about once a month or so. The day of my younger brother’s missionary farewell, a newly called leader was to offer the prayer over the bread, but they couldn’t find the card with the prayer typed on it. So, he must have figured the since he’d been a Priest, he’d served a mission, he’d offered the sacrament prayers dozens of times - he could just wing it from memory. Bad idea. He started out OK, but then after the first few phrases seemed to lose his train of thought. It still sounded mostly OK, nothing that would raise a red flag unless you were listening closely. And then all of the sudden he gave up any pretense of knowing the blessing and started saying things like “please bless this bread to nourish and strengthen our bodies.” Heads were whipping up all over the chapel as people realized what he was doing, while all three members of the bisopric were scrambling through their scriptures to find the prayer to hand this poor guy. There was no salvadging it. He kept going on and on, rambling about having a good meeting, everyone traveling home in safety, etc., I guess figuring he’d get it all covered eventually, and then closed. The deacons were all laughing so hard, I think one was choking on his retainer. They had to remove all the deacons, the bishop and his first counselor gave the proper sacrament blessings, and the Melchezidek priesthood passed the sacrament. All this to a chapel packed to overflowing with my brother’s extended family and friends. Nobody remembers anything from the talks that day (including my brother’s), but 20 years later, everyone STILL remembers that sacrament blessing!

     Comment #277 by kimbobimSeptember 10th, 2008 at 12:39 pm

278. Do you have any idea how incredibly happy I am to live on the East Coast right now? Oh, and to to be a Democrat. Out here, we don’t discuss politics at church. And, we don’t play kissy-face.

     Comment #278 by mariposa23September 13th, 2008 at 6:15 pm

279. While attending a singles ward, the EQ instructor handed me a white shirt and tie and asked if I wouldn’t mind changing into it as it was going to be part of the lesson. The room was set with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a cake sitting on the table. He began the class with a viewing of an old 1970’s Ann Margaret movie clip. In it she is tied to a chair in a darkened room…male voices are heard in the background, then all of a sudden her body convulses as she is riveted with bullets! The class sat in stunned silence. The entertainment didn’t stop there. After the instructor indicated that violence and pornography are horrible things, he took the vase of flowers and began ripping the petals off. Afterwards he put his hands into the cake (which was made of motor oil) and ran them down my white shirt, and proceeded to cut my tie off with a pair of scissors! Lastly…and I’m not joking, he took a real pig’s heart from a container and stabbed it with a long metal stake. He was trying to demonstrate the need for us to become like vampire slayers and slay pornagraphy! I guess it worked because I’ve never forgotten the lesson!!!

     Comment #279 by EphraimtheoxSeptember 30th, 2008 at 5:54 pm

280. 279…yeah, ummm…I’m gonna call your bluff on that one.

     Comment #280 by mellocelloSeptember 30th, 2008 at 7:10 pm

281. The pig story is indeed true. Calgary singles ward, early 90’s…the heart was purchased in China Town the day before. (Keep in mind this was before the internet!!)

     Comment #281 by EphraimtheoxOctober 2nd, 2008 at 10:49 am

282. Not a SM story, but at a YSA fireside/large group family home evening (at a chapel) I was attending, the male YSA conducting introduced the topic of the evening - “Testimonies” then after a few scriptures and comments, asked for a couple of volunteers to hop up and bear their testimony. A keen female proceeded to bear a very sincere testimony, and then after she said amen, the YSA male conducting said “Thank you Sister X, now what did we all think of that testimony? What would you rate it - say out of 10?” Would you believe no one else wanted to get up and have their testimony rated!!!??? But no, another YSA male got up and the same thing happened… Most people in the congregation were squirming with horror at the way the meeting was going but a few people were actually making comments about the testimonies eg. She shouldn’t really have included “I’m so thankful for….” otherwise it’s not a pure testimony!!! I’ll never forget that night… one of my friends was the stake YSA rep and he gave the organizer a bit of a ‘rebuke’ for the whole thing!!! It’s funny to look back on that weird night and I hope the two YSA’s who had their testimony rated are ok now….

     Comment #282 by KylesNovember 15th, 2008 at 6:18 am

283. This is my 1st time on this site and this is amazingly funny.
     I believe it, my hubby in and I had just to this stake in Alabama for his job for a 4 and half month project and while we where there we had stake conference. I dont know why this happened but the stake president kissed me on the check and my hubby is a very protective 6′3′ 300lb guy and he about punched him. My hubby later got a hold of him and major words exchanged. We had more problems later when the stake pres. came to our ward and give a talk on not to question our leader not even 3 wks later. We were so happy to move home 6 wks later.

     Comment #283 by Lindsay CDecember 9th, 2008 at 10:10 pm

284. Boy am I glad I live in the Midwest. I’m halfway down the page of replies and so far the only one I saw specifically mentioning Indiana was one where they didn’t have the bread available, but that could just be a case of miscommunication I am sure. The Indianapolis stake has always been wonderful (and normal in my opinion), and reading these stories about the West make me a bit scared, and entertained to say the least. I’ve been a member my whole life, and have never been to Utah, but have heard lots of stories from there. And I suppose I have now heard many stories of Arizona. I don’t suspect that I’ll be moving there anytime soon. Great posts everyone!

     Comment #284 by WhitneyJanuary 10th, 2009 at 10:08 pm

285. Ray this is for you.

     This didn’t actually happen at church, but I was an apartment Manager, and our owner was a Bishop. He had us move a couple in, that he knew. Well they had moved out a while later, and I was talking with the owner about them, as they were divorcing. He told me “She’ll show you her titties if you want her too”,

     I chuckle everytime I think about that. A bishop saying that.

     Comment #285 by SarahFebruary 5th, 2009 at 11:57 pm

286. I love these stories–thanks Sarah for the link.

     Here are my contributions:

     -I had a SS teacher who once spent a class showing us slides of his recent scuba diving trip.

     -At a singles ward I once attended, the passing of the sacrament was always accompanied by the sounds of cell phones ringing, people playing games on their phones and palms, and by the flapping noises of the flip-flops which several of the young men, who always passed the sacrament, wore. And after one F&T meeting dragged past 2 hours and the testimonies were growing more outrageous my sister and I stood up and left. The Bishop was clueless during everything. Does anyone else think singles wards should be eradicated?

     -I attended an endowment session where an old man yelled out a couple times that men in front of him were doing their parts wrong–he had to be silenced by a temple worker.

     -At a stake conference the stake president announced that all high councilmen would sit on the stand during that and all future conferences. The councilmen took there seats and within 20 minutes they all fell asleep. Needless to say the edict was quietly forgotten before the next conference.

     -My last story is thanks to my sister (urm, Sarah). One Sunday when we were teenagers we were entertaining ourselves during SM by drawing on each others backs. I wasn’t paying close attention to what my sister was drawing on my back until I felt a draft and realized she had unzipped my dress! By the way, we always sat in the 3rd row so it was in plain view of everyone.

     Comment #286 by JFernPMarch 14th, 2009 at 5:31 pm

287. OK one more…

     A good friend told me this story. She woke up feeling sick on the day of the Primary SM program. Her parents were in charge of the Primary music and she was too young to stay home by herself so they took her to church anyway. My friend was in the first row of children on the stand. They all stood up to sing a song but a wave of nausea came over my friend. She new she had to get to a toilet but then she started feeling “sick” at the “other end” too. All she could do was jam her legs together and slowly crumple to the floor. The Bishop saw something was wrong with her so he jumped up and grabbed her. As he did so she “exploded” at both ends. Poor girl…and poor bishop!

     Comment #287 by JFernPMarch 14th, 2009 at 6:01 pm

288. There is a thread on Mormon Matters today that has some hilarious statements from Fast & Testimony meetings:

     http://mormonmatters.org/2009/03/30/speculation-and-testimonies-the-good-the-bad-the-unique/

     Comment #288 by RayMarch 30th, 2009 at 2:42 pm

289. In my single’s ward we had a couple like that. They didn’t kiss a lot but they were ALL OVER each other. Not only that, but they sat in the very first row!

     Comment #289 by ShannonApril 1st, 2009 at 10:50 pm

290. This thread is amazing! I can’t believe I haven’t stumbled onto it before. Good stuff.

     I grew up in a ward (east coast) that was extremely eccentric. My dad was the bishop and says he’d sit on the stand looking over the congregation and the theme from “The Addams Family” would run through his head. Needless to say our F&T meetings were rarely boring.

     One woman liked to get up and talk about all her spiritual gifts. The one that I remember most was when she talked about a deer she had hit and killed with her car. She felt horrible about it. Later that day she was out in her yard and the deer (who was apparently resurrected now) came up to her and ate an apple out of her hand and told her she was forgiven. So she knew the church was true because the deer was resurrected and forgave her of her sins.

     Another one was a young girl (Beehive age I believe) who got up and tearfully said “Mom and Dad, please, please, please, I want us to have Family Home Evening and scripture study. Please. I just want us to stop fighting and be a forever family!” Her parents, who were stalwart members of the ward, looked like they wanted to disappear.

     And last but not least was a friend of mine who gave his entire talk about Nephi getting the plates from Laban in the form of a rap. Nothing like a half-black guy rapping that “Laban be whack!” to wake up the old ladies in SM.

     Comment #290 by ChelseaApril 2nd, 2009 at 6:29 am

291. While serving my mission in Spain, a member blessed his baby in sacrament meeting by holding him up high in the air like Kunta Kinte or the Lion King - as if offering him to the gods.

     Comment #291 by RoseApril 6th, 2009 at 7:30 pm

292. I have been trying to resist posting this. Discretion lost.

     This was a long time ago in another ward far away, at least the next stake over. A sterling brother from the EQ, a young father at the time, was giving a talk. His last name was Johnson. I have forgotten exactly what his topic was, but he used, for an illustrative anecdote, a story about his old high school coach who would give the boys a pep talk about perseverance by telling them they needed to “boss their johnson.” Our speaker continued to expand this theme by saying how this concept resonated with him especially, due to his last name, and from that time forward whenever he wished to make himself do something good and necessary, that he wasn’t naturally inclined to do, he’d remember his old coach telling him he needed to Boss his Johnson. For the rest of his talk, he repeatedly referred to the concept of personal willpower as “bossing your johnson.” Over and over. Many times. So many times that this is all I really remember from his talk. His notes are probably in his talk file under “Bossing Your Johnson.”

     Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I was much younger and this was a (slightly) more sheltered time (pre-rap music), and I was juggling toddlers in the pew, so I didn’t immediately connect his terminology with the more worldly meaning. Kind of like some of you are doing now. But he repeated that phrase so many times that the very next time I came upon the worldly meaning of ‘johnson’, I thought of his talk. And laughed. And wondered how many there were in the congregation that day stifling a major fit of laughter. He couldn’t have been aware of what he was doing because he just wasn’t subversive enough to pull that off. (Was he?) Totally straight face all the way till the last amen. But I regret that I wasn’t watching the faces of the bishopric seated behind him more closely.

     Comment #292 by mommie dearestMay 30th, 2009 at 1:48 am

293. I got one. I got one. A beautiful, older, larger built, woman joined the church in the Southern States. She has a history of hearing stories of “weird mormons”. I’m especially sensitive to that and trying to make her first temple baptism experience wholly spiritual.
     We arrive at the baptistry, go to the door where they hand out white baptism jumpers and a teen behind me asks me a question and I turn away for a split second when this occurs.

     Temple matron to new member: Sister, what size do you need and are you endowed?
     New member: (Looking down at her own chest) Obviously I’m endowed. You better make it a large.

     I turn quickly to keep the matron from handing her garments to be baptized in and said quietly “She’s not endowed”, to which new sister says “Yes I am”.

     She’s fine now but did confess to wondering for a second or two about weird mormons.

     Comment #293 by LBJuly 3rd, 2009 at 11:30 pm

294. […] So you think your ward is weird? [Mods, if this is in the wrong place, please do move it to where it should be, and sorry for the fumble.] I found my way to this blog post, and the stories are amazing! I’ve spent my whole post-conversion life in California, and haven’t had anything remotely like some of these stories happen in any meeting I’ve been in! __________________ Seanette On Twitter as FelixAndAva My excuse for a blog […]

     Pingback #294 by So you think your ward is weird? - LDS Mormon ForumsJuly 22nd, 2009 at 9:58 am

295. Can’t swear to this one, since I was not the reporter, but it seems plausible. Sighted on “Overheard in the Ward” (http://overheardintheward.com):

     Sister stopping Bishop’s testimony on family history: “Bishop, I’m going to interrupt you. Internet searches show that pornography is the number one search hit, and family history is number two. So that just shows how important family history is.”

     Comment #295 by SeanetteJuly 23rd, 2009 at 9:23 am

296. This happened just last Sunday. My kids and I were visiting the ward that we are going to be moving into in a few weeks. During the opening prayer (which really was more like a short talk) the brother blessed the prophet to always have the spirit with him, then blessed the bishop to have the same. Then right after he says this: ” please bless all the little people, um the regular people in the church.” I seriously had to open my eyes to see if anyone else was laughing at this too. Nope, I’m hoping that it’s because they are just used to his prayers. But I am looking forwards to fast Sunday.

     Comment #296 by ModdyJuly 23rd, 2009 at 7:50 pm

297. When I was the Primary chorister we had a kid get up to give the scripture which was all about giving heed to the word of God. Only she pronounced “heed” as “head.” “Let us continuously give head…” I was VERY careful to not make eye contact with anyone else in the room for fear I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face.

     In my parents’ ward they were having a lesson on fast sunday and a newly converted member raised her hand and asked if it was okay to have sex on fast sunday.

     Comment #297 by BeckyAugust 13th, 2009 at 4:02 pm

298. Some friends were in Africa serving a mission and visited a ward where women were passing the sacrament. After the meeting, they graciously and gently told the bishop and only priesthood bearers should pass the sacrament. He apologized for his mistake and told them it would never happen again.

     The next month they visited the ward, and women were still passing the sacrament. After the meeting, they spoke with the bishop, asking him why women were still passing the sacrament. “Oh, it’s all right,” replied. “We ordained them to the priesthood last week.”

     Comment #298 by CarolSeptember 4th, 2009 at 3:20 pm

299. In our Sandy, Utah, ward, Elder L. Tom Perry was sitting on the stand during sacrament meeting because his niece’s baby was being blessed that day. Shortly after the meeting began, my friend took her 22-month old daughter into the women’s restroom to change her. While the mother turned around to get a diaper for her naked baby (who had diarhea) the little girl raced out the bathroom door, into the chapel, down the aisle, in front of the podium, up the other aisle, and then out the door while her mother chased her. All of us were laughing, and even Elder Perry was smiling at this sight.

     That little girl is now a young women. Elder Perry sealed her and her husband in the Salt Lake Temple.

     Comment #299 by CarolSeptember 4th, 2009 at 3:43 pm

300. My husband attended a SM in California where the cheerful choirister was named Hope. She was very pregnant and when they sang the line from “We Thank Thee, O God, For a Prophet,” “There is hope smiling brightly beforee us, and we know that deliverance is nigh,” the entire congregation burst into laughter.

     Comment #300 by CarolSeptember 4th, 2009 at 11:31 pm

301. From a recent thread on Mormon Matters about testimony meeting:

     “Every now and then, you can find me sitting in testimony meeting with a note card on my lap and a pen in my hand, tallying the number of times that various phrases are repeated.

     One Sunday there was one of those uncomfortable lulls in the testimony meeting where nobody was getting up. I looked across the aisle at an old friend who has never been baptized, but who attends every Sunday (his wife is a member). As I looked at him, I motioned up toward the podium with a sideways nod of my head, so as to suggest that he go up and bare his testimony. At the time, he had his cheek resting in the palm of his hand, and in response to my invitation for him to take the podium, he slowly cranked up the middle finger of the hand in which his cheek was resting. As I silently laughed, he whispered across the aisle to me: ‘Hey, write THAT down on your notecard!’”

     Comment #301 by RaySeptember 6th, 2009 at 12:24 pm

302. In our previous ward, we had a member that every F&T meeting would march up to the pulpit then scream at us for being horrible people. Oddly, the bishop never stopped him. We got to the point that we would sit in the very back in fear that one day he was going to finally snap and go postal on us.

     In that same ward a guy while giving his talk would squirt the congregaton with a water gun!

     Comment #302 by iheartprimarySeptember 6th, 2009 at 9:54 pm

303. We live in Weber county and the totally crazy Fast and Testimony stories we end up with are countless!

     One woman got up and said that commandments are different for everyone- that some people need to refrain from certain activities on Sundays, to keep the Sabbath Day Holy, but that other people can do those things on Sundays and it’s ok. It all just ‘depends’. This same woman said that her mentally challenged 14 year old son told her he didn’t want to go to church, and asked if Heavenly Father would be disappointed in him if he didn’t go to Church. And her response to him was “I really don’t know. I know Heavenly Father wants ME to go to Church, but maybe it’s different for you.”

     We have one guy that likes to get up and tell what new medications he has started, for his mental illnesses. He also shows everyone, over the pulpit, his latest drawings. His most recent was a tiger. Before that it was his father…

     Then there is the lady who brings her dog to church. A black lab. No, it’s not a seeing eye dog or any special dog. She just brings him. AND FEEDS HIM THE SACRAMENT.

     Yes… good times in Weber County…

     Comment #303 by SuzanneSeptember 9th, 2009 at 10:00 am

304. I’m glad this thread is so going. Our closing speaker in sacrament today delivered a surprising anecdote, one too good not to share.

     The elderly brother is about to leave on a mission with his wife. His wife preceeded him and spoke about the many facets of their lives that have recently fallen into place so that they could be ready to serve a mission. As if to add to this, shortly after he began his talk, and in the spirit of counseling the rest of us, he stated, “The #1 reason that senior couples don’t serve missions, is…. PETS!” He proceeded to relate that they have a pet cat, one they’ve had for 7 years, and who loves her freedom and just wouldn’t be happy with anyone else. He shared how they came to the realization that the solution here is to send her back to be with her heavenly family.

     At this point, the entire congregation perked up. This brother has a history of sharing some unexpected interpretations of doctrine in previous F&T meetings.

     He then shared how he recently had a heart-to-heart talk with his cat, in which he explained the importance of them leaving on a mission, and how they would have to euthanize her. ‘It was like she understood!’ He told how ever since their talk, his cat has been acting different - she now licks them on the face and shows affection when she had never done this before. He explained that this was evidence that the cat understood that she had to sacrifice her life for the Lord’s work, and that she was accepting of her plight.

     Comment #304 by TotipocincySeptember 13th, 2009 at 6:12 pm

305. Being from AZ I have enjoyed all these comments and look forward to seeing what will occur, but…most of my experiences have come from when we lived back east.

     The one that my husband and I (and others) joke about is when we lived in Virginia. We had a older brother and his sister, who truly believed that the WOW included Peanut Butter and Chocolate. So much that they would not eat anything of the such. But the real kicker was he believed that having sex on a Sunday and other than for creation was a definate no-no and because of his firm testimony of such he had to divorce his wife.

     Comment #305 by ChrisOctober 8th, 2009 at 5:24 pm

306. Hilarious! I’ve been laughing out loud to myself and calling my Dad with these awesome stories! Ok adding a few of my own….I think there’s crazies everywhere in every kind of setting, religion atmosphere etc. so please don’t read these and base your testimony and/or opinion of Mormons on these stories. We really are a good people!
     Missouri or Georgia (can’t remember) My sister and BIL had just moved to a new ward and my then 2 or 3 yr old nephew was in my sister’s arms at the door of the chapel leaving SM when he pointed and yelled loudly at a morbidly obese woman, “Mom look at that FAT lady!” My sister horribly embarassed quickly apologized to the woman and said he’s only 3, I’m so sorry he doesn’t understand. WAIT that’s not it…..the HUGE woman goes to my nephew and starts pointing her finger hard into his chest saying, “You are a rude little boy and you can’t talk like that,” (paraphrasing I’m sure it was a lot more mean and immature than that.) My sister couldn’t believe this grown woman was tapping her finger into his chest and yelling at him like she was the school bully! Needless to say… a few weeks later my sister got her new calling in the RS presidency and had to fellowship this woman back to church! LOL…awkard for her!!!

     Seattle, WA I was dating a non-member and not acting completely active myself. We went to church every week and my kids told me one day after church how they had a lesson on the WOW and how they told their teacher that they knew what beer was because mom’s boyfriend had it in our fridge when he stayed the night! AHHH!!! Needless to say…. I realized my actions affected EVERYONE in the house and primary and the Lord had a great way of reminding me of that thru my kids! I promptly straightened up and broke up with him not allowing that kind of thing and/or language etc. in my home around my kids showing them that I could be an example to them to use FOR GOOD in primary lessons now.

     My 3 or 4 yr old daughter- when I was not able to partake of the sacrament briefly, she says loudly one SM “Mommy, why do I have to take the sacrament and you don’t?!” MORTIFYING…..! Kids say the darndest things at the darndest times!

     A few weeks ago my 5 yr old son belches super loud during the Sacrament and we sit in the front row! He then laughs loudly and says even louder, EXCUSE ME!!! (well I guess I was happy he had still remembered his manners while the whole ward was stifling laughs during the reverent sacrament passing.)
     ok enough for now, but oh so many more from our craziiesss!!! Keep ‘em coming! I still love the dead squirrel one!

     Comment #306 by BonesFebruary 19th, 2010 at 12:23 am

307. Earlier this year in F&T meeting, I told of a couple of my book-placement encounters, that I felt inspired to recount. By the looks on the faces of some members of the congregation, I learned that _I’m_ now one of “those crazy people who say weird things in F&T meeting.”

     At least I _hope_ that was inspiration. But with us “crazy people”, you never know.

     Comment #307 by BookslingerApril 5th, 2010 at 3:03 pm

308. There is a thread on By Common Consent entitled “Balaam’s Butt” - focused on Mormons and the extent to which many go to avoid using “swear words”. (Don’t get me started . . .)

     As I read the comments, I immediately thought of this thread, so anyone who is interested can read the comments at:

     http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/06/04/balaams-butt/

     Comment #105 from that thread certainly fits into this thread. It says:

     “Scene: Today at Sunday School during lesson about Eli and his wayward sons.

     Comment: “blah, blah, blah, apparently Eli didn’t have the balls to discipline his sons whereas we see Samuel being bold at a young age blah, blah, blah…” The commenter didn’t even pause when he delivered this bon mot. Oh, and to be clear about the class/education of the commenter, he is taking his PhD this week from a respected research university and one of most brilliant people that I have ever met.

     Reaction: Chuckles and looks of shock all around, except for the two sets of grandparents visiting the ward, they looked like they might be sick. I didn’t have the heart to turn around and take a look at his wife’s face.

     It was a good day at church.”

     Comment #308 by RayJune 19th, 2010 at 4:19 pm

309. Here’s another thread Ray found at By Common Consent that deals with stuff people hear at church:

     http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/07/16/good-bad-and-so-bad-theyre-awesome-gospel-analogies/

     Funny post and very funny comments. He again thought of his favorite thread ever and asked me to give everyone the link.

     Comment #309 by Michelle AMJuly 17th, 2010 at 11:53 pm

310. I live in Washington, a strong Democratic state. I am not a Republican or Democrat since I actually have a brain and use it to decide on each individual and issue separately. In RS, a lady in our ward was teaching her lesson on our civic responsibility and told us that “you should vote even though YOUR VOTE WILL NOT COUNT”. Glad to know we aren’t a cult, and can make up our own minds about things pollitically huh?!

     Comment #310 by djringJuly 28th, 2010 at 12:36 pm

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