By The Wiz
I once read a book that I bought for $5.00 in an airport, it looked fun, NYT bestseller. Bestsellers can’t be all bad, right? It was total crap. I mean, truly. It was predictable, the heroine was the whiniest little chick (and a vampire) you’ve ever seen. Somehow her super handsome fiance was deeply in love with her and put up with her being a high maintenance, indecisive, needy little nightmare and told her constantly how there was no comparison, and I was like, dude, I would have dumped her decades ago. Do NOT waste immortality on this chick.
I couldn’t believe I wasted precious traveling alone time, let alone $5.00 on this. I purposely left the book on the plane, never wanting to see it again. And the kicker was the back of the book had an excerpt from the sequel.
I spent the rest of the plane ride contemplating how crap like this got published. And this chick got on the NYT list, which means somebody’s making lots of money writing schlock……
And so I think I will spend the rest of my life writing crappy books. I need to jump on this gravy train now.
I’ve got the formula:
1.Whiny Chick. Cute, young, but whiny and annoying. (nobody publishes anything unless the person in it is cute and young, and make her annoying so as to make her appear “human”. People need to “relate”.)
2. Handsome Dude. Think Mr. Darcy meets Indiana Jones. Loves Whiny Chick with a passion even though all normal men would have dumped her, because he sees past all the annoyances to the truly good heart she has, even though no evidence of good heart is ever established. Loves to talk about his feelings all the time, and spends much time brooding over Whiny Chick.
3. Circle of Friends to support Whiny chick in her whinyness, and Handsome Dude in sorting out his feelings.
1. They are in love.
2. Something comes between them, preferably a beautiful new co-worker of Handsome Dude, somebody to create trouble in paradise. This co-worker is gorgeous, but not “cute”. Stunning in a plastic sort of way.
(You see, the audience must know that cute is good, but beautiful is bad. That way, they can tell good guys from bad guys. Remember, always assume your audience is stupid. Like, really, really, stupid.)
3. They break up over silly misunderstanding, jealousy related, both terrified that if they actually communicated, something bad would happen. They live miserably lonely lives for about 100 pages. Circle of Friends coo sympathy.
4. Misunderstanding cleared up, beautiful villain gets bad nose job and her looks disappear, and all is well, although no communication ever actually happens, just some apologies, and a few hormones that got tired of going unsatisfied.
The end. You might need a campy twist, like the heroine has a long lost (equally “cute”) twin, or Handsome Dude is an alien, or somebody can do voo-doo, or a psychic predicts trouble, all these are good. You know, something to shake up the monotony of the whole thing.
Book tours, here I come! I will now write several of these crappy books, and make millions of dollars. Never fear - they WILL have pink covers. Pink covers are crucial.