By Tracy M
Tonight, after picking up the umpteenth dirty sock-wad, after doing my third load of dishes, after telling the boys for the 6th time to get their jammies on, after stepping in yogurt blobs on the floor after I TOLD them not to eat in the living room, I lost it.
Feeling bad, but still simmering, I went upstairs to get myself ready for bed- only to find my room torn apart; stuff from under the bed strewn about, a box I received in the mail opened and scattered, and my new tights I bought for cooler weather opened and tied around the bed posts, I really lost it.
Really. Lots and lots of yelling. And tears. Mine on both parts.
What was I doing while all this destruction took place, you ask? Why, I was cooking dinner and changing a diaper. Sitting on the couch holding my baby while she had some milk. I was letting my guard down for half a second.
It’s weird. I’m not sure how to reconcile how I feel at the moment. They’re little kids- I know that- but they also know what’s expected of them. At least I think they do. Don’t they? This, again, is where motherhood departs dramatically from any other job. If they don’t get it, if they continually act out and are disobedient, aren’t I the one the ball comes back to?
So that makes me tapped out, weary, tired, angry, and somehow responsible for their actions. If my children don’t get what is decent behavior, what is expected of them, and I am their primary caregiver, somehow, I’m not doing my job correctly. And that sucks. (Can I say that here? I am anyway.)
Motherhood is so stinking hard. So much of it is feeling around in the dark, hoping you get the right switch. Some days, I wish I could just pack up and “go to work”. Leave the house. You know, like I did once upon a time. At least I would be alone in the car for my commute. There my problems would not barf on me, pee on me or roll around screaming on the floor like a big, snotty noodle.
But here I am. And here I stay. I do this because I know I am supposed to- because I committed to doing this before they were ever born, and because I know it’s the right thing to do. I love my kids- Like all mom’s, I would give my life for them without a second thought…
(That thought stops me in mid-sentence)
As a matter of fact, that’s pretty much what I’m doing.
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