By The Wiz
Well, I’ve calmed down enough to be able to talk about it, now. The sad fact is, my dog, my sweet, loving dog, who loves everybody, is, in fact, a menace to society.
A little background - Maggie is an indoor dog. She is very much an indoor dog. She is inside 23 and 1/2 hours a day - minimum. She won’t go outside unless we go with her, and then she just goes outside, does her thing, and runs back inside, for fear that she might have to be outside for longer than a nanosecond. Unless there’s a cat around, in which case she turns into psycho-dog-from-hell, but to me, hey, that’s just the sign of a good dog.
So, the other day, I’m in the shower. Let me just say that it was 9:00 a.m., which, while not particularly early, is not particularly LATE, either. There are many days where I have not showered by 9 a.m.,(and many when I have, but this is not a post about my hygienic habits) especially in the summer. My little 4yo daughter comes into the bathroom, and tells me there’s a man here, and he’s allergic to grass, and has to get shots, and he wants to talk to me. It took me a second to process.
“And you opened the door for him?”
I quickly turn off the shower, grab a towel for my hair, wrap myself in a bathrobe, and run downstairs to see what on earth is going on. It is not an evil kidnapper, pedophile, or burglar, it is something far more surprising - animal control.
Animal Control Guy: You sure have friendly children. We’ve had a complaint about your dog.
Me: My dog? What, did she get someone’s cat or something? (And those “friendly children are in some serious trouble right now)
ACG: Well, I don’t know about that, we just got a call that she’s out all the time.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Maggie? Out all the time? This has got to be a mistake. But fine, do whatever, just let me go get dressed.
ACG: We have to discuss the licensing issue.
Maggie’s license is expired. It had expired the week before. I hadn’t gotten around to taking her to the vet to get her rabies shot. Three kids and a vet trip is an adventure I rarely choose to take on. But it was on my list!
Me (in my head): We have to discuss the fact that I’m naked and dripping wet and you are clearly not polite enough to notice that this is not a good time for me to discuss licensing issues or any other issue. It’s not like she attacked anyone. GO AWAY!!!
Me: (actually speaking) Yeah, I know her license is expired. But it’s not like it’s even 30 days overdue or anything.
He goes on to tell me about the fine involved, and to explain random stuff about good dog ownership, and to tell me again what friendly children I have. Those same friendly children are also now getting to be seriously late to gymnastics, since this time was to be used for breakfast and getting ready, not talking to $%?*!!Animal Control!! Plus, Maggie seems to be in love with him, she’s just licking his shoes and wagging her tail all over the place.
ACG: (filling out form) How old is Maggie?
ACG: Wow. She doesn’t look that old.
Me: Thanks. (Is it polite to mention that your dog is aging gracefully? Yeah, we smear Oil of Olay Anti-Aging cream on her every night, plus she’s had several Botox injections.)
6YO: She’s old enough to get baptized!
We both just turned and looked at her. ACG burst out laughing.
ACG: That’s one I’ve never heard before.
Me (in my head): Yes, just add that to the story of the crazy lady in the bathrobe and wet hair that I know you will be telling to all your fellow animal control cronies later today. And why are you still talking? Can’t you tell THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME? Can you not hear the baby crying in his crib upstairs? Are you just trying to see if you can see something through the bathrobe?
Me (actually speaking): Ha Ha
ACG: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Me: Mm-hmm…..(WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?)
Finally he leaves, and I turn to face my children. They have been happily playing the whole time, blissfully ignorant of Mommy’s Mortification. I am shaking, I am so angry and embarrassed.
“NEVER, and I mean, NEVER open the door for someone while Mommy’s in the shower.”
They are astute enough to notice that I am livid.
It resulted in a talk about stranger danger, and safety rules regarding the house. But that’s another post. Right now I have a menace to society to deal with who is currently licking my toddler’s foot.
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