By The Wiz
If Heather can admit she’s addicted to Buffy, then I can admit something too: I am addicted to countdown shows. I love the AFI countdown shows, best movie songs, best movie villains, best movie lines, etc.(By the way, the fact that ‘My name is Inigo Montoya”…was not on that list REALLY hurts my feelings. It’s just inconceivable!).
But I also like Vh1’s countdown of “Awesomely Bad” stuff. (Yes, I watch Vh1, want to fight?) So, in the spirit of the mood I happen to be in, having just watched “Blame it on the Rain” dubbed the most awesomely bad break up song ever, I thought I’d make up a short list of “worst movie lines ever.” (If you’re offended that this isn’t about motherhood, well…I don’t know what to tell you. Sorry?)
WORST MOVIE LINES EVER: (disclaimer —->) FROM MOVIES I’VE ACTUALLY SEEN:
10. From “Legally Blonde”: “It’s called the ‘Bend and Snap.’… Come on ladies, bennndd, and snap!” Manages to be degrading, and unfunny, and painful, all at the same time. Watching Reese Witherspoon teach women how to ’snap’ *shudder*
9.From “Only You” : “I know he would fight tigers for you.” What? Who’s fighting tigers? And why? This is a silly/fun romantic comedy. Tigers? Where? What?
8. From “Somewhere in Time”: “Is it you?” Now, I actually like this movie - again, want to fight? -, but just the cheesy way Jane Seymour delivers that line when she first sees Christopher Reeve…but I don’t know that any actress could have delivered it better. What a strange thing to say to a total stranger - he could have just mugged her right then and there. ‘Is it you?’ ‘Yep, it’s me. Just hand over your purse and nobody gets hurt.’
7. From “The World is Not Enough (James Bond)” : “I’ve always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey.” (Christmas is the woman’s name, for those of you that are intellectual and don’t go to Bond films. Also, awesomely bad casting, making Denise Richards a rocket scientist) Actually, I’d like to say here that we could make a list of horrible lines from James Bond movies alone. Somehow the fact that horrible one liners and pornographic women’s names are in a Bond film makes them acceptable. Inconceivable!
6.From “Jerry Maguire” : “You had me at Hello.” Now, this one made AFI’s list of best lines, but eeeewwwww!!! Who talks like that? Your marriage is on the brink of disaster, your husband is clearly not the perfect man you’ve dreamed him up to be, and everything is solved with “you had me at hello?” What’s that about? It’s about bad writing. Can’t you just see the screen-writers? ‘Somebody write something to make this sappy speech stop!’ ‘I know, I’ll write a line that solves everything and will make Renee Zellweger famous.’ ‘Perfect! Just as long as it doesn’t sound real.’
5.From Rodger’s and Hammerstein’s The King and I: My name is Tuptim. I already speak English. Yes, with some accent you made up, thank you very much. Also, she delivers some very cheesy lines throughout the movie. This is one of my favorite movies of all time, (get the boxing gloves out) but the whole Tuptim thing is just….wrong.
4. From “Star Wars: Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith” : Anakin Skywalker: You are so… beautiful.
Senator Amidala: It’s only because I’m so in love.
Anakin Skywalker: No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.
I don’t care who you are, what Oscars you’ve won - NOBODY can make writing like that palatable. Don’t writers ever listen to the way people talk? This is definitely the strongest of the prequels, but come on, people! You’re so beautiful? Because I’m in love? No, it’s because she’s Natalie Portman! Of COURSE Natalie Portman’s beautiful! It’s a given.
3. Pretty much the entire script of “Star Wars: Episode 2 -Attack of the Clones” But the worst line was when Obi-Wan said: “Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me?” This isn’t a Bond movie! Cheesy one liners are not acceptable! I don’t even like them in Bond movies! I HATE this movie! I can’t quote you anything else directly because I just remember writhing in pain the entire time I was in the theater. I wanted to pull my ears off and watch them bleed. I wanted to pull an Ewok out of my butt and see it dance on the seat in front of me. Anything that would MAKE.IT.STOP. And I paid money to see it! AAAAAAAAAAA!
2.From Titanic : “I’m King of the World!!!” This one actually only half
counts, because fortunately, I did not pay to see this movie (it’s my thing about drowning) and turned it off halfway through, before all the people turned blue and died. But I did get to see Leonardo make a fool of himself. And this also counts because James Cameron made an even bigger fool of himself by shouting this line at the Oscars when he won for best director, and then he had nothing to say when it won best picture. And yet, these people make far more money than I do. *sigh*
1.From Star Wars:Episode III - Revenge of the Sith : “Not if anything to say about it I have!” The greatest Jedi Master ever! And he can’t form a sentence, or even think of a reasonable thing to say, even with his strange grammar? When the bad guy’s yelling at you about the end of the Jedi, just strike him down with the force! Don’t use your wit! You have bad writers - didn’t you hear Padme spouting nonsense earlier?
OK, well, thanks for reading this entire post. I might have to make it about motherhood, so Heather won’t kill me. I guess the point is - teach your children discriminating taste.
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